How To Make Him Want Sex...?

[Carebear]

I'm new to this forum and this type of thing...

But here goes...

My guy, who I live with and hope to marry, is having a sort of problem with sex. It' very complicated... sometimes it feels like he just doesn't want to be with me, It was not a problem in the past because he's been with many people. With my ex, I never wanted sex because (as bad as this sounds) I wasn't really attracted to him in that "DRive me crazy" way. But, once I got going, the sex was good. But I never initiated it and I could go a long time without it. But with J******, it's different. I'm crazy about him. I think about having sex with him all of the time.

The problem started about 7 months ago (when we had only been dating 3 months). I just felt like for us being a new couple, we didn't have sex very often. When I say often I mean we were having it 2 x a week. On St. Patrick's day, I came over and was ready, but he had wasn't, and it became an issue because he said he didn't want to feel pressured into having sex. Since then, I've been scared to initiate it. Everytime it happens, he initiates it. And it gives him a sort of power over me becuase he knows I want it all the time. I have a problem with initiating anyway because of a fear of rejection. I know that being confident is sexy, but I can't get there until I know what it is that turns him on, etc. And I know he doesn't like initiating it all the time.

Multiple times, we've had sex and he doesn't get off. He doesn't sleep very well at night either, I don't know if this has any relevance or not. He says he's just not a very sexual person. But I find it hard to believe because a.) he's been with many women, b.) he knows quite a bit.

Am I just being paranoid in thinking that he is just not attracted to me... maybe I'm not exciting enough for him... Or maybe I'm the girlfriend who just doesn't "Drive him crazy". Although he says he loves me and wants to marry me.

It's been a problem, and we have discussed it numerous times, and it's not even that much of a problem anymore b/c I am getting used to having sex only once or twice a week. He says he knows that he has a problem, that it will get better. But I feel like I am nagging him whenever I want to discuss it, and I know that probably makes him want it less. When I ask him if its me, if he wants anything different, he just says that it's him. But I don't see how it's going to get any better unless he does something to fix, or I do.

But, I'm curious if any one has any suggestions. I know he likes new positions and everytime we have sex it has to be different. I'm thinking that he thinks its getting old or something. I am somewhat of a prude, I guess. It's just that it is really hard for me to let go. I want to, but once again, fear of rejection I suppose. I've only been with one other man (my ex) and sometimes I feel inferior, like I don't know enough as I should. That's what I've been doing today. Trying to enlighten myself to the world of sex that is not common for me.

Maybe I'm just being insecure. But if someone thinks that I could do something, then just let me know. I'll take any kind of suggestion...

[Mikayla1]

Ok, there is a lot of things going on here...the first thing is, if he doesn't want you to inititiate sex then he is taking your ability to "ask" for or be able to present him with you feelings. He is only allowing it to happen when HE feels like it is time. This is either a) a major control issue or he has some kind of sex fetish where he has to be in control or c) perhaps performance anxiety and when he thinks he has to perform to please you, it just doesn't happen.

Many men have the problem where if they have to think about having sex and pleasing their partner they can't do it. This would go along with him not being able to climax. Is he on any medications? Certain medications, especially those for depression can not only inhibit sex drive but inhibit climax.

Also, you should not let him take away your sexual confidence. If this is happening there has to be some serious discussions about what you need and expect from him, especially if there is going to be marriage. If you love him, then he should be able to open up to you about some things. If you don;t air this all now what will end up happening is neither of you will initiate sex, you will end up pent up and horny, plus feel rejected, then the sex will happen less and less until it doesnt happen anymore. I am sure you do not want that to happen.

My suggestion is to talk to J, ask him what turns him on. Ask him if he is on meds. Premise all this with "I love you and I want us to be as fullfilled as possible in our relationship" If you are willing to stay with him no matter what he tells you, then things will work out.

If after time he still won't discuss it and things don't get better, you will have to decide what you really want out of this relationship...a best friend or a friend and sex partner. Sex is a part of marriage. Sex that is fullfilling to BOTH partners. Ask him how he would feel if he walked around with blue balls and you did nothing!

Eventually this will all work out if you address these issues now.

Hopefully this advice will help. Let me know how it turns out!

Mikayla

[Rob]

Hi Carebear,

I am glad that you are aware that this is a problem. You will really need to ask yourself if this is the right person for you. I had to laugh when you said that he told you it would get better. Don't be fooled by this. Things like this do not magically get better. This was simply his way of putting off addressing this issue.

Sex and making love is very much a part of who we are and how we feel about ourselves and our relationship with our partner. By you coming here and making this post really shows what can happen to a person that is in a relationship that has bedroom issues.

Him only having sex with you when he is ready is selfish to say the least. Even if he had an erection problem, there are ways to satisfy you with our using his penis.

For whatever reason, your sexual desire does not match with his. He may just not be that into you. I know you don't what to hear that, but this is something you should think about. Like Mikayla said, talk to him openly and honestly about your feelings. If it doesn't feel right, you may want to move on.

The bottom line, don't settle for anything short of complete happiness and sexual fulfillment.

I wish you the very best. keep us posted on what happens.

Rob

[Carebear]

In response to Mikaylah, about meds...

He used to smoke marijuana everyday. And he has since tried to quit since we have gotten together. I'm sure he hasn't quit completely (I know he hasn't) but I know he doesn't do it as often. Very seldom. I think this may have something to do with it, but I'm not positive.

Performance anxiety is part of it. He has mentioned that he hates to just give me a quickie b/c he thinks that I wont be satisfied. And, sometimes he's right. But I think that is just me, and has nothing to do with him. I enjoy it, I just don't get off every time...

Right now, he is doing his weekend (he is in the Airforce Reserves) and I can't really have good talk with him over the phone, so I will let you know what happens when he gets back.

I'm really in love with him, but I realize that if this aspect of our relationship doesn't get better, then I don't know how we will face even more difficult problems.... It just sucks sometimes. And I'm a type of person to avoid conflict and problems. I know that I have to address it more forcefully than I have in the past. It's just scary sometimes. Thank you.

[Mikayla1]

Pot smoking can DEFINITELY take away not only the desire to have sex, but the ability to have it. Make sure he is not still doing the pot. If he is off the pot, and it is a performance issue, perhaps you can try having "non intercourse" evenings. These are nights when you premise the whole night by saying, we will NOT have sex. You fondle, you touch, you lick, you suck, you do everything you want without sex. A few nights of this and he will be beggin to have sex. Plus, it takes the anxiety out of it. It will teach him to enjoy the feeling of you, to enjoy the touch of you. If you can just enjoy the sensations, then it will just get better and better. Eventually you can move into sex again, maybe not even tell him. Just have one of those non sex nights and jump on his cock! It might work, takes the anxiety away for him anyway!

Hope this helps, keep me updated!

Mikayla

[Carebear]

In response to Rob...

Same as Mikayla. Only, I want to add that I realize that when he says it is going to get better, I feel frustrated. Because, I ask him what it is that he needs... Do I need to do something. Would he rather be with someone else? I ask, but he just says that it isn't me, it's him... he's just not a sexual person. That is all, then he turns things around on me and says that I need sex in order to believe that he loves me. Yes, in a way that is true. Sometimes, I wonder. If he doesn't want to make love to me, then it's either because he wants someone else, or he doesn't want me. I suppose.

It's really difficult for me to confront these problems, and by finding this website (I was lookign for something, anything, to interest him sexually) I can at least express how crappy I feel to people I know have no clue who I am. And it's not so bad. I realize not all people are sexual gods and goddess's (like many of you are from what I've read) but at the same time, I know there is more than what I'm getting here...

[Mikayla1]

It seems as if your man is trying to put the responsibility for his lack of wanting to have sex on you...as if your high sex drive is his problem. He is trying to guilt you, "I love you, but I don't always want to have sex, but if that is all you want...." it is reverse psychology. You have to tell him that sex is not all you want, but that it makes you feel "whole" that you are a woman and many of your intimate feelings are intertwined with sex. There is a saying that to most men, sex = sex, and to most women, sex = love. In many ways, this is true. For me, the more I love a guy, the more I want to have sex with him. Does this mean I can;t have sex without love? No, but if I love the guy, I want to show him in all the ways possible. So, explain to him that a fullfilling sex life is important to you because it is not only healthy, but a recognition of your love for each other. For him to minimalize your reasonable desires is ridiculous. I am sure there are many men out there that would be grateful to have a woman who wants to have sex more, instead of less!

Mikayla

[Rob]

Carebear,

I think that it is great you are aware that this is not a problem you can overlook any longer. I asked a couple of 'guys' to see if they had a different perspective than I and sizing up your boyfriend. They were much more harsh in saying you should just move on with your life and leave him behind.

It is absolutely absurd he tries to throw the weight of this problem on your shoulders. I bet this is not the first time he has done this to you. I hope you find the strength to address this issue and not feel you have to settle for something that ultimately will leave you sad, unhappy and sexually chained.

I hope we are helping you. Mikayla has been making some great comments. She should be working for us!

Rob

[Mikayla1]

It it ironic that Rob asked some of his guy friends about this topic, as I quizzzed some of my guy friends and girl friends. Almost all of them said "move on." I don't know if this is the answer for you...I think that relationships deserve time and energy to see if they will work, however, too much time and energy ends up waste. I always looked at my past relationships as such: if I look at the relationship as a whole and I spent more time being sad, unhappy, unfullfilled, angry disappointed, or whatever than I did happy, fullfilled, and overjoyed to be with my man...I would move on. We get one chance in this life...I wasn't going to waste it.

Now, does this mean I suggest you have to move on? No. You are the only one to make that decision. I just hope you can make the right one before you get married, have kids, and then decided this wasn't right for you!

Good luck,

Mikayla

P.S. Thanks for the compliment, Rob!

[Chris4u]

Okay, there are many things going on here and several factors to address if your problem is to be solved.

Now there's nothing wrong with having sex 1-2 times a week. I don't know what your ages are or what your jobs entail, but those two things have enormous implications on peoples sex lives. The older you get doesn't mean it will get worse or better. Years before retirement a person could be tired after a long day at work and really have no drive. Once retirement hits though, you really don't have much else to do

So getting back to work for a sec....that could add to it, maybe. I don't know your personal lives besides what you've written.

Now it sounds like your man has a stubborness problem, something for the life of it you may never be able to change, much less phase it much at all. Some guys are stubborn and just don't want to discuss such things and it pisses them off when you even merely mention it in passing. Counciling can help, but it may piss him off more.

He has that problem to address.

The fact that he doesn't think the world of sex is because he doesn't find it to be a neccessity in your relationship. You feel the need for it a lot, whereas he on the otherhand likes it in the right moments.

That's the key...the right moments. You could have many more of them if you address your fear of initiation. Your lack of self-confidence adds to your delema. You don't need to come on strong. Some think strong signals give rise to fast results.

That's not always the case, and to many not as sexy. You want to target him with subtle signals and work your way up as he engages more in this game we play. If he doesn't seem to be interested, make them a little more obvious, but if increasing the heat doesn't work, then just forget about it

At this point I'd try later on when he's maybe more inclined.

You don't need to dump him. If your crazy about him, that's great. Sex doesn't make a relationship. It's the finishing touches, the icing on the cake if you will.

You got to give the problem time to mend, but you can't leave it alone, both of you must address each others problems as well as correcting the ones you yourselves are burdened with.

[Carebear]

Thank you Chris4u. I really appreciate what you wrote. It puts things in perspective. You are right, sex is not what makes a relationship. And, I suppose if I got right down to what the problem really is, it would probably be the lack of communication as to why he doesn't want it as often. Perhaps it could be our pasts... I was in a relationship where I never wanted it (and now that I want to, I can't get enough) whereas, his past relationships consisted mainly of sex (and now, he realizes that sex is not the focus of a relationship and therefore doesn't want it as often.) Perhaps.

I think counseling would help, just because we are both too much alike and do not like to address problems. He's a little better at it than I am, and I admit that. I don't say things when I think them, I wait until I become upset after dwelling on it for some time. But the problem with counseling is that it sounds great, but actually getting down to it and going to a therapist, etc. isn't that easy.

As for fear of initiation. That is tricky. I mean, I do give subtle hints. And, sometimes I give even more than subtle hints. It's the times when he completely ignores them, or doesn't give me a hint to proceed, when I feel rejected.

I don't want to leave him. Yes, I'm frustrated and sometimes I feel like, oh yeah, I could find someone who would want me all the time. But, I don't want someone else. I know it is a problem that I am willing to work through. He is a wonderful guy. The kind of guy I've always wanted. Not just some dream guy... but my dream guy with all the weird idiosyncrasies that are attractive to me.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. I'll let you know what happens. I'm thankful for all the replies because it points out various factors that I didn't think of when I began dwelling on this problem! It is a problem, and I think we could both compromise a little in order please eachother. It just feels like right now, I'm the one compromising sexual felicity!

Another question:

Any suggestions on what I could do that would just drive him wild? A little input from a guy or from a woman that knows what works would be GREATLY appreciated!! (I'm talking about something that would render rejection obsolete... ha!)