Virginity Dilemma

[SusanJ]

I have a question that has been bothering me for a while and I'm hoping you can help me.

I'm 32, I have never had sexual intercourse with a guy but maybe by some standards I'm no longer a virgin, I'll explain in a moment.

I've dated a couple of times, once the guy tried to masturbate me but it just hurt getting touched, I come from a very religious family and never thought I would be able to even use tampons until days ago when I was so turned on I inserted a finger and a small ball inside the vagina (not much, but still in), I couldn't believe how great it felt, for years I was worried I was frigid and this was such a great relief that I barely think about regret.

And this is what's bothering me, I want to get myself a sex toy (beads to be precise), I'm tired of waiting for a guy to share my sexuality with and I feel I keep wasting the chance to enjoy what I do have, I know it's not necessary to use penetration of any kind to achieve pleasure but chances of meeting the love of my life are not that great and I wouldn't have sex just for the sake of it either.

I've been pondering the option for a few years now, but the thought of pain always stopped me before, and since that's no longer an issue I wonder if it would be very regrettable. I know I don't want to meet my future husband and explain how I decided to have a sex life with myself but how long is too long?, do I wait until I'm 35?, 40?.

What do you think?, is this very wrong?.

[thurisas]

I think you need to get out of the mindset that you need a man to experience pleasure. Right now you're just starting to touch the tip of the iceberg for your self exploration. To really be a successful lover later, you have to know your body. That takes practice because great lovers are made, not born.

Unfortunately religious upbringing and values can be a stumbling block for many people and they have a hard time getting past the guilt. The fact is that there is nothing to feel guilty about. Unfortunately you have to come to that realization yourself.

My suggestion is that you learn your body. Also, stop trying to find a man because the second you stop looking, one will likely fall in your lap...and he'll be all the happier when you do have sex with him that you know what you like and you can teach him to bring you to orgasms. After that its exploration for both of you and you will likely find mind-blowing orgasms that you never thought possible.

Thurisas.

[Mikayla1]

Hello and welcome! This is a situation that many women find themselves in. I suggest you read my article on "Virginity and Values" and see if any of my conclusions or ideas help you. Ultimately, it is your decision on what 'you' classify as virginity. Here is a link for ya:

Virginity and Values

[Bugs0825]

hey susan,

WOW!!!! I think that its great that a women would love her husband enough to wait for him. That is something that is so rare today. Way to go. Given the things that I have gone through, I would wait if I could do it all over again. I have only had sex with my wife but because we didn't wait I feel like it took away from the from the specialness of it.

As far as pleasing yourself, I say go for it. This way when you do find the perfect guy, lucky him, you will know yourself enough to teach him what you like. Keep the faith and i'm sure that you will be blessed.

oh, and as far as explaining yourself goes, I can guarantee you that he has pleased himself a few times too. LOL

Bugs

[SusanJ]

Thank you all for your replies and the warm welcome, I feel a lot less weird now .

It is true I still have to get over the guilt caused by my religion, and I'm sure that if I ever meet a guy I can marry chances are small he will be a virgin, or even if he is maybe I should pay more attention to what my opinion of myself is rather than his.

I'll be thinking about what you all said.

Mikayla, I appreciate very much that you directed me to that article you wrote, I've read so many of those but none was as clear and non-judgemental as yours, some just say "You lose your virginity if you do this and that" but don't seem open to different views, it was definitely very helpful, I guess it's time to decide what feels like a right definition for me.

I have a big smile now , thank you again for taking the time to reply and for giving me so much advice.

[SusanJ]

Please consider locating a female Pastoral Counselor who is certified and practices within a mainstream, moderate denomination, or, if you are comfortable, a certified female sex therapist. You deserve to have your early learning about sex and religion corrected.

I guess I could at least try to find a religious or spiritual open mind to talk to but I know it won't be easy since I live in a place that seems to have remained the same for the past 300 years.

But it does seem to be an issue that I need to address with an expert.

iha, thanks for the advice, it was amazing coming from somebody with such a profound background.

[jad20fan]

I have struggled with the same strict religious beliefs. In high school, I freaked out one time when a guy put his hand up the back of my shirt. I just knew I was nver going to be comfortable with a man. I haven't dated much in my life and was a virgin until last month. I am 46 years old. I always believed I would be a virgin until my wedding night.

Now I am in a relationship with a wonderful man that I will most likely spend the rest of my life with. Am I happy I played with myself before I met him, yes because I know my body and can guide him in how to touch me and what I like. Am I happy I had sex with someone else before him, no. I wish I had waited for him but I can't change that fact and he knows the guys I've been with. I can't change the fact that I had sex so I'm not letting it get me depressed or anything. It happened, I learned from the experiences and I'm going on with life.

My friends are not happy that I am having sex outside of marriage because they have very strong religious beliefs. I keep telling them I am an adult and able to make adult decisions. Whatever decision you make, be sure you are okay with it. Think about it, what the ramifications are, how will it change who you are, etc. Don't let others pressure you into making the decision they want you to make. You're the one that has to live with the decision. Take the opinions/advice you get and think about it. Thre are a lot of different viewpoints and ideas but the decision is ultimatly yours.

[SusanJ]

Timidgal, thanks for your reply. It was a very nice surprise to know there is somebody out there who went through the same thing than me, I know there must be others but virginity seems rare after a certain age.

There's still hope for me then, and I'm glad you don't regret the decisions you've made because I can't imagine they were taken lightly.

You now found a man you love and that's what matters.

I will think carefully before making any kind of decision so I really appreciate your words.

[jad20fan]

You're welcome. Please feel free to send me a message through here if you want to talk or ask more questions. I'm very happy to talk about it with you and share some of the struggles I went through.

I really hope you find a great guy like I did. It is a wonderful blessing in life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[SusanJ]

You can't buy better advice than you get here. There's not much more to add but here's my 2 cents. It doesn't matter how old you are. When you discover what makes you feel good about yourself you have arrived. It all works out.

I agree with you, and very much appreciate your thoughts.

[froggystyle1977]

Having countless young women who have been sexually abused ask me if they are still virgins has taught me this truth: "yes, yes, yes, you are still a virgin!"

You amaze me more and more!!

When I first made the decision to have sex, I was not a physical virgin. I was raped so the physical aspect was not there but I made myself very clear in that I was still a virgin!! Mentally and as IHA so righty put it in my heart.

The decision to pleasure yourself is yours and I wish you the best of luck!!!!!!!! You are a testament that somethings are worth waiting for!!

[ch83]

I'm a bit younger than you but I understand where you're coming from. I bought my first toy years before I had sex. I was raised in a very religious Catholic family and while I did date in high school, my sexual experiences never went beyond oral. I didn't date in college and since then I have lost a lot of weight and have started to get back out on the dating scene. Anyway, last summer, I ended up in a "relationship" with a guy who I had sex with for the first time (at the age of 23). Looking back now, it wasn't worth it...but I do not regret having used toys before - and he had no clue that I had used them.

[SusanJ]

Thanks for all the recent replies.

Howard4570 I can very much relate to what you said about those girls because I have that religion too and today there are still a lot of myths around (even concerning masturbation). I know way too much about the tragedy of this women when sex life begins and their husbands are as clueless as them; You are right ignorance is not appalling.

froggystyle1977, I'm very sorry to hear about what happened, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

ch83, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!, your personal experience has made me feel a lot better.

[junior88]

There have been a lot of good posts already but I will still put my 2 cents in.

Coming from a guy's perspective with a good understanding of religious issues and sex my advice is A. don't give up on finding a guy (if that is what you want) and B. understanding your sexuality prior to marriage is one of the best things you can do for yourself. This does not mean to have sex prior to marriage, just be comfortable with it. I have seen many examples of couples who are very much in love, get married, and both are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with the idea of sex because of 20 years worth of being told it is wrong. The first 5 years of marriage are the hardest years you will go through and the issues you face during that time will only be made worse if you have hangups about sex. I am not saying you have to be some kind of nympho who is in to anything but you would be wise to be very comfortable with the idea of sex.

The religious side of this under New Testament teachings says that if a man looks at a woman with lust in his heart he has already commited the act so the test of virginity also is mental vs physical in the case of non-consentual or non-sexual vaginal penetration. That being said I think that if you want to remain a "virgin", masturbate however you want with whatever you want but don't take it any further.

[Judy_2]

I know what all of you are saying and my husband and i grew up with those beleifs...he is a little closed minded about the sex...he feels uncomfortable to use toys...one of the toys that I had brought to the bed he didnt like...how much pleasure it gave me when he used it on me that he threw it away...so since then I have been apprehensive about bringing anything to the bed.

[junior88]

I know what all of you are saying and my husband and i grew up with those beleifs...he is a little closed minded about the sex...he feels uncomfortable to use toys...one of the toys that I had brought to the bed he didnt like...how much pleasure it gave me when he used it on me that he threw it away...so since then I have been apprehensive about bringing anything to the bed.

I started the toy play in my relationship and I have to admit that at first I was a little unsure of the idea. I didn't like the idea of her using a dildo that was larger than I was because it made me feel a bit insufficient. I don't want to digress in to a discussion of penis size but prior to this I never have had any reason to feel that way because I am above average. . At first I also looked at a dildo somewhat like I would another penis, it is competition. A lot of guys feel that way about women's sex toys. My fear was that I would be replaced by the toys.

My point is that if I felt this way and I initiated the toy play, your husband may feel the same way only to a greater degree because you initiated it. You might try using toys that are smaller than your husband and that don't really resemble a penis. You could buy him a masturbator for you to use on him when you are "unavailible". That may make him a bit more comfortable and not feel left out. You might try letting him buy a toy to use and see what he gets. If it is a dildo that is smaller than him, size may be what bothers him. I think the fact that he did not refuse outright and it was the pleasure you got that bothered him indicates that his concern is not about the moral implications but rather a fear like I had.

[Judy_2]

I started the toy play in my relationship and I have to admit that at first I was a little unsure of the idea. I didn't like the idea of her using a dildo that was larger than I was because it made me feel a bit insufficient. I don't want to digress in to a discussion of penis size but prior to this I never have had any reason to feel that way because I am above average. . At first I also looked at a dildo somewhat like I would another penis, it is competition. A lot of guys feel that way about women's sex toys. My fear was that I would be replaced by the toys.

My point is that if I felt this way and I initiated the toy play, your husband may feel the same way only to a greater degree because you initiated it. You might try using toys that are smaller than your husband and that don't really resemble a penis. You could buy him a masturbator for you to use on him when you are "unavailible". That may make him a bit more comfortable and not feel left out. You might try letting him buy a toy to use and see what he gets. If it is a dildo that is smaller than him, size may be what bothers him. I think the fact that he did not refuse outright and it was the pleasure you got that bothered him indicates that his concern is not about the moral implications but rather a fear like I had.

Thanx so much for your feedback Junior88, I relly appreciate it. I dont see how a man could think he can be replaced by toys...because toys dont love you back like your Significant Other would. I'm going to take you up on it and maybe get him a masturbator...although I wanted to ask you what kind of toys do you recomend, you know when you started with the toys...which ones were good to start with? Judy

[cfhayback]

Virginity is a state of mind...

A girl I met in college was a virgin. She took great pride in the fact, and at one of the many floor parties, she and I were really connecting, and went to her room. Well, let me tell you this was a dirty little girl, and we did everything BUT have vaginal intercourse... including anal sex, which she informed me she'd done several times before... virgin? really?

Not in my mind... that arbitrary "line in the sand" she set of not allowing a penis into her vagina seemed ridiculous to me.

She eventually wanted me to go there, but in the beginning, I had to (inwardly) laugh at the situation.

Then there was this girl from VT a year later who was pure as snow, who liked to kiss alot, but was afraid to go further. She, too, was worried about the pain of losing her virginity, and therefore, stayed away from any situation where things could lead to sex.

When we finally had sex, she wondered what the worry was about... a bit of pain, but more good feelings than bad...

So, if you want to save yourself for a future husband, great, but if you're waiting because of fear, wait no longer.

Virginity is what you make it, and if you want to "lose" it, you should ask why you haven't. At 32, you're probably ready... if not, what has happened to you, emotionally to keep you from proceeding. The pain is really no reason not to, but if you fear sex, you might want to see a therapist to look into the root of that trepidation.

Like the old adage goes... "come on in, the water's fine!"

And fun too.

[junior88]

Thanx so much for your feedback Junior88, I relly appreciate it. I dont see how a man could think he can be replaced by toys...because toys dont love you back like your Significant Other would. I'm going to take you up on it and maybe get him a masturbator...although I wanted to ask you what kind of toys do you recomend, you know when you started with the toys...which ones were good to start with? Judy

Sorry I haven't responded sooner. Been very busy. The replaced feelings are wierd and hard to explain because they don't make a lot of sense. They just are what they are.

We bought a dildo right off the bat because we wanted to try using it while I performed oral but like I say I had some awkward feelings about it. After that we went for a Diving Dolphin (a vibrating cock ring) which we both really enjoyed and allowed us to add toys in to our "normal" routine. I liked this toy because both of us could enjoy it at the same time. Then we got some cheap hand cuffs and took it easy for a while with what we had. I wanted to try a masturbator and once we got that I didn't feel so wierd about the dildos because I could see that the masturbator didn't phase my SO at all.

Another thing that helped was that I knew that she was not using the toys without me. I would strongly recommend that you not use them alone. The important thing in a marriage is that neither partner feels that the trust has been violated and my concern is that if you use them alone without him being OK with it you may violate that trust a bit and make this alot harder in the long run.

We also bought some sex games to play that incorporated toys. I think it was easier for us to explore the various areas of sexuality that we had not been to yet when it was the game telling us we "had" to do something vs us trying to get started ourselves. It kind of broke the ice each time.

Don't worry, eventually that part of the male brain that enjoys watching women play with themselves will take over and you will be good to go. :-)