Need Sex

[rayray]

I need some advice.... im 21 years old i've been engaged to my fiancee for 3 years this April. He is 33 years old. We have 2 children together, our son is 14 months and our daughter is almost 2 months. When we first got together the sex was amazing! every day atleast twice! we would cuddle naked afterwards and fall asleep in eachothers arms.... just beautiful. Now, 3 years and 2 kids later im lucky if I get it once a month. It sucks because I feel like im not pretty anymore ive got more stretchmarks and we have both gained some weight... I feel like because we are not having sex we are not close anymore. Im always leaning in for a kiss or trying to make the effort to cuddle or just hug. He doesnt refuse my kisses or hugs but I just realize that im the only one making the effort. yes every once in a great while he will kiss me on the back of my neck and give me a little smooch here and there.... but what happned to the passion and the effortless kisses and hugs and SEX? He is always making up excuses. First its because im pregnant and he doesnt want to hurt the baby...then its I dont want another baby, You need to get an IUD, because he wont wear a condom because there uncomfortable. Then im sure when i get the IUD it will be because our daughter is sleeping in our room and he doesnt want to do it in front of her. (which was an excuse he used with our son when he was younger) Whats wrong with me? is it me? I mean im 21... my sexdrive is amazing I would have it every night and somtimes in the morning forever if i could. He is still young hes only 33, is that such a difference? it wasnt a couple of years ago. I mean im getting desparate now. i've baught some toys now they are in the mail as we speak. And i know that when they come i will be using them by myself and more often then getting the real thing that is sleeping in the bed next to me. Im too young to be having sex once a month.I had more sex when i was single- sad to say but very true. And im not even married to him yet.... I NEED HELP!

[Jaca]

It is all too true that sometimes life just gets in the way.

Having small children can make an enormous difference to your relationship. How you prioritise his needs outside the bedroom may be a factor - I know I always put the children first. My husband understood this, but still harboured some resentment that he was no longer my main focus. This was very difficult for him to express as he loves the children and was ashamed of being jealous of them.

Did he witness the birth? This can completely freak some men out. I have friends whose partners won't go near them after seeing them give birth. There is a big psychological barrier there - after seeing their woman in such a way that makes it hard for him to see her as a sexually desirable again. "Mother" and "Sexy" don't really blend well for most men and he may be finding it hard to align his perception of who you are now.

My husband also got stressed after the second one arrived about the pressure this put on him to provide for his family. Being the sole income earner with mouths to feed etc. It just took some time, reassurance and understanding all round.

His "excuses" may be genuine issues for him. If he is uncomfortable having sex with the baby in the room, move the baby. If he is worried about getting you pregnant again - you need to address the birth control issue together.

Most of these are not SEX issues - they are about your life, closeness, relationship. Sex is just a symptom of barriers elsewhere. You need to rebuild the intimacy and the sex will follow.

My children are 3 and 6, it is only this year that my husband said to me, "You are the perfect mother, and a wonderful wife. But is has been a long time since you have been such a WOMAN". It is difficult to be all things, and it is hard for both parties to go from wiping baby spit to giving off the sexy vibe!

iha is right - he probably hasn't analysed his feelings and behaviour to such an extent as to understand exactly what the cause of the problem is. Talk to him. Raise some of the thoughts you have had, but don't expect an instant resolution. He will probably need a few days to ponder what you say and decide if any of them apply.

Communication is always the key.

[Tyger]

"I don't believe that kids should be given Priority over your spouse. Sorry, but without both parents, the kids aren't there, and can't survive on their own. And it does take two parents to raise kids. So, any parent that says he/she is giving priority to children over his/her spouse, is wrong, and heading for a divorce lawyer's office, if it doesn't change." "Giving a spouse priority when you have the responsibility of babies, and infants requires a lot of communication and work scheduling time to be together. But its worth it. People make excuses that they can't afford a babysitter to get out for an evening. B.S.!!!

Where I do agree that America is really on a downward spiral, as far as families go, I think that the wording here is incorrect. I don't think that "prioritizing" one's children over spouses is really the appropriate wording. I think the phrase that should be used is "slotting your time to include some kid-free time for you & your SO".

Having kids AND A successful relationship definitely takes time and effort to continue!

In a lot of the "Real World" now, there are many people that honestly can't afford OR don't trust the circle of people that they have TO babysit! A lot of Americans are now living paycheck to paycheck, in debt, and, for those really young parents whom either have left where they live to try and start anew, and can't get out other than to work, they don't have that family/friends network that can be trusted to babysit. In the cases of young couples, if you have kids, and your friends don't, well, you get left out of the loop very quickly.

It is getting a lot harder to actually FIND a babysitter that will be responsible enough to watch your children & is reasonable in price. It's a BIG trust issue to allow someone no matter who they are, to watch your children. Now, I am NOT saying that it's not possible, but not overly realistic in many cases. It can be very dicouraging to find someone to watch your child, an then, add another child, or it be a baby, then it can get harder. Many sitters have an "age limit" to how young they want to "deal" with when they babysit. Many people that haven't had kids at all, or have "kids" that are now around my age (34), forget how hard it really can be to do so.

And, I am NOT saying that couples should just resign themselves to staying home 24/7. Can't afford a sitter or dinner once a week? What about a walk as a family? Or, have a late-night dinner AFTER the kids are in bed. TV off, and just a nice meal between the 2 of you. Or, no sitter, but you want to have someone else prepare? Take-out anyone? Sometimes it's nice to bring home a bunch of Chinese food, and have your own buffet!

When our daughter was first born, I was on WIC, and do you know what? 5 yrs ago I found one of my now best friends at a "seminar" WIC was trying to establish. I wanted to meet other mothers going thru what I was too. We connected almost instantaniously!! We both were pleasantly surprised at how well and strongly we connected, thus developing a wonderful friendship. Before I moved way down here, our kids played together a lot. Unforutately, with the way our husband's shifts ran, we never got to do the whole "kid switching", but, we both knew that if we needed/wanted too, we could.

You DO need to make an effort to get out there, and TRY to find ways to reconnect, even if you have to steal those moments. Like, say you take your kids to the zoo; why not hold hands, or put a hand on the small of your partner's back? How sexy is it for a man to caress, or hold the hand of the mother of his kids? Hubba hubba!!

Or, trying to make some time after the kids are in bed. While you're winding down, rest your head in his lap, or have him rest his in yours. It may or may not lead to something. Reconnecting as a couple is what's important here. If you're not connected as a couple, the sex life will suffer. Just showing affection for one another is a very important part of being a couple.

"Any guy who is complaining about not wanting another baby, has two healthy kids, but won't wear a condom is being a total jerk."

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH THIS STATEMENT!!!

"There is NO guy who is really being hurt by wearing a condom. They even have large sized condoms for truly big men. He needs to find another excuse. That one is so lame, it would get him laughed out of any locker room."

I don't know about being laughed at, since most guys prefer the feel of real to wrapped, but, I think that this is a ridiculous and selfish statement. My hubby wants more kids but I don't. However, he wears the condoms (and needs the Magnums, and they fit him just fine), AND I use foam. This may not be overly spontaneous, but the head on the shoulders needs to be in charge of the head in the groan, if no more kids are desired. If he truly doesn't want ANY more kids, then he should bite the bullet and get the big V. It's a lot easier, and less intrusive than having a woman get her tubes tied. I'm assuming that you went on the IUD you talked about? If so, then there should be no more worries about pregnancy anyway.

THe whole "he doesn't want to do it infront of his daughter" excuse is a bit lame, but I can see his point. Even though it sounds silly, it feels wierd. I didn't like doing it in our room when our daughter slept in our room too. But, we'd go to the living room while she slept, or the bathroom, or the other bedroom. Somewhere where we didn't see her. Though, I did understand that, even at 14 mos, kids don't KNOW what exactly you're doing. So, even if caught, don't feel like you've traumatized them. LOL

I think the point that you're not married yet was lost, however, you seriously need to talk with your fiance' and find out what his issues are. Non-confrontational as possible, but still getting your point across. If he gives the same old responses of "I dunno" or "I'm just too tired", ask him HOW he thinks that this can be fixed. Sometimes "I don't know" is an honest answer, but it's not one that should be allowed to continue. And it's also sometimes used to dismiss the issue (which I know pisses me off when my DH does it). Get him to think about his answers, without attacking him.

Maybe go to a church you belong to, and talk with the minister there? They would rather counsel couples before they get married, then see divorces happen (at least good ones should).

Let me also say that, 12 yrs between the 2 of you doesn't SOUND like a big difference, but, and please don't take this the wrong way, the age differences in maturity levels are probably a factor too. I did NOT have the same feelings/maturity level I did at age 21.

I know what you mean about the stretch markes and whatnot. But, there are things you can control/fix, and others you just can't. Get some lotion specially designed for scars and/or stretch marks to try and lighten them. I used Palmer's for stretch marks (while pregnant), and it worked well. If there's some extra weight, then go for walks, do some extra leg lifts in the house while doing dishes. Exercise with your baby. There are ways to do this. Again, with effort. To "look" sexy, you need to FEEL sexy, inside!

Once a month sex is not acceptable, no matter what your age, so long as you're both healthy, and are together! I will admit that I have some health issues that prevent us from having sex as often as we'd like too, but, we do try. I also encourage him to masturbate, and sometimes I help him with that too.

So, BEFORE you get married, these things really need to be resolved. Because they WON'T get better when you ARE married. It's not like the ring will magically make it all disappear, that's for sure.

Why did I drag this out so long? Well, for that I do apologize. I wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone, and that there are many many of us that do understand your situation & have BTDT.

Best wishes darlin'.

[froggystyle1977]

This post has been on my mind for a couple days, I tried to answer as a mom with small

kids but something bothered me and I figured it out this morning.

You were barely healed from your first child when you got PG with your second and now your barely healed from the second.

You state that your fiance was nervous about having sex while you were PG, this is a normal reaction for many men and is why you haven't really had much sex with him in the last couple years. The barefoot and PG thing comes to mind.

I think there are more issues here, First your not happy with your body and considering you have a newborn I am not suprised by this. I have issues with my after kids body as well. Your fiance is a being a brat concerning using condoms. If its an IUD you seek then go get it, though I question why you didn't get it at your 6 week checkup. You won't know how your sex life is until after you put things in motion. When your able to have sex without your fiance being concerned with more babies it may make a huge difference.

As too what Howard and Tyger posted about the finding time and making your spouse a priority. No offense to Howard but he is not a parent and has no idea how that really works. Its not about making your spouse a priority over your kids, its about you making yourself a priority. Once your happy with you then the rest will fall into place. Its very hard to find sitters and make time for one another.

My kids are 13-5-1 and believe me we never get no kid time, I have a large family all with families of thier own. its very hard to coodinate time!! As far as friends go I don't have many, most have lives and kids of thier own, coordinating babysitters is impossible.

I am still breastfeeding our youngest as well. Our sex life has not been the same since I got PG with our 5 yr old!! It is now getting better because I am happy with myself.

Relationships go through times of drought especially when little ones are involved, your sex life will never be like it was when it was new. It can change and grow but that first have sex all the time passion thing wanes over time. This can and most likely will get better it just takes time.

You may also have a form of postpartum depression and should speak to your doctor about what your feeling.

I wish you all the luck in the world give yourself some time, your just getting over being PG and hormones do a number on you!! In most cases sex life and relationship time don't get better until after your kids are much older (2-3) I know this is sad but if you try hard it may be sooner for you.

Froggy