When A Partner Becomes Too Much Work

[Amylynn920]

I'm having trouble in the bedroom, and I don't know what more I can do to make things better.

I'm with a wonderful man who I know loves me more than anything in the world. He's good to me, takes wonderful care of my son and is what I feel my soul mate.

But lately I just feel not worth the time or the effort when it comes to sex.

I'm his first real relationship, he's my second, after I came out of a bad 21 year marriage.

When we were first together, he was always attentive to me in bed. He romanced me, kissed me, spent a lot of time on foreplay and basically made me feel like sex on wheels.

Out of the bedroom he's always hugging and kissing me. Not passionate kissing but a kiss is always great no matter how it's delivered, but in the bedroom it's a different story.

Over the past couple of months sex has been not very good for me most of the time, sometimes it is, when I have foreplay it's great, and we have discussed what's wrong in my opinion, in detail. He listens, says he knows he needs to do more and wants to, but when we get in bad nothing changes.

I was talking with a close friend, basically stating that I feel that there's something wrong with me, because his behavior is the same as my first husband's in the bedroom. It must be me 2 out of 2 men doing the same thing.

I am the one that gives him foreplay, 98% of the time I give him oral, and I think I do a good job at it, at least my heart and soul is in it, and I know he LOVES it because he told me he never got that from his other relationships, and he's grateful.

I know how he feels. Before he came along I never experienced it. With him, I've gotten oral twice in a year and a half. I want to have that more often, I really love it, and he's great at it. When I've talked about it with him he says "I know, I feel really bad, because I think to myself I really should be going down on you, but then I forget about it" How can someone forget what they want to do that's so special that they know their partner loves?

Foreplay consists of nipple play with his fingers, which I love, i have sensitive nipples, and once in a while he'll finger me. I've had a couple G spots orgasms this way, and I love it.

But after the nipple play, I move on to a Bj for him, then usually it's side by side sex, or missionary or doggie style. I can't come with just intercourse, and he doesn't truly like bringing the toys into it as he feels that he should be enough.

Well he IS when he's giving me a lot of foreplay, I get so hot that it's easy to come. I really miss the deep kisses, licking of the nipples, oral sex all the things everyone else does regularly.

So we have sex the past few nights and he comes, twice the other night and then falls asleep and I just lay there feeling so damn bad about myself. This is happening more and more lately. He gets off, and I don't.

I don't reach for my toys after, tho I have plenty since I'm a reviewer, because it feels so anonymous, me getting off with no emotional attachment to the toys, and he's lying beside me.

I just feel so damn unattractive to him. I feel I must be, otherwise he'd want to kiss and play with me.

I was going to stop giving him oral, because that's really the only foreplay we do lately, and tho it's great for him, I feel left out.

But part of me is saying that's immature, and mean. I want him to have the most pleasure I can possibly give him, and I know he really loves it. But I'm getting resentful that I'm giving 100% and getting back 5%.

I don't know what to do anymore. We've talked, nothings changing. And I feel like I'm broken or defective. I just want some excitement and passion back in the bedroom and I don't know what else to do.

I don't want our sex life becoming what I had with my first husband. I can't talk to him anymore because we've discussed it alot. He's opening up to toys, using them a bit more with me, but I know he isn't into it, I know he really feels they're a replacement, but I want him. Toys are fun and all but they aren't my husband. But if he's not giving me foreplay I have to do it myself. But I'd rather it be him than a piece of plastic.

We have talked like I said many times, about what I'd like, and he agrees, but when we get to bed nothing changes. So that tells me he's not listening or he doesn't care. And that says to me "You're not worth it" otherwise things would change

I just feel so bad about myself, maybe I'm not attractive anymore. Or maybe he thinks I'm skanky because I want to try new things. Or maybe I smell bad down there or I taste bad or something. I don't think I do.

Do some men really feel deep down that their women are too much work and it's just not worth the time?

[Mikayla1]

Ok honey, I see that there is a lot going here, and I will do the best I can to address what I think are the major issues.

First, NO this is 'not all about you' - meaning, from what I can see, there is no reason you should be feeling responsible for his lack of interest. The fact is, you are having sex, he is coming to you for sex, and men do not have sex with women they don't want to (well, most times anyway) but I think in your case he is lazy. What do I mean by lazy? Well, here you are giving him a BJ, allowing him to do the quick nipple tease, then on sex. Then, when asked, 'why didn't you go down on me?' He says, 'I know, I forgot.' I call BULLSHIT. He knows he should, he is getting what he wants (BJ) and you are letting him have sex with you with minimal effort from him.

This has got to stop. My rule has ALWAYS been - no oral for me, no oral for you. Now, I don't mean that some days he is the only one getting oral, or I am, but the general priciple of 'what is good for you....' So, no it is not mean to withold oral if HE is refusing or 'forgetting' to give you oral. He needs to know that oral sex is a two-way street - period.

Secondly, foreplay is important to sex - and to have proper foreplay both partners have to be engaged. You are capable of pleasing hm, and he of you. You mention that he is great at fingering you - if you like that, tell him you want more of it. Talk about your wants, needs and expectations. Tell him you love him, desire him and want a full sex life - then make sure he remembers to go down on you by making it the first round of foreplay! If he wants that BJ, then he will do oral on you. If he continues to refuse, or 'forget' then there is something else going on.

My gut tells me that he wants to get off with minimal effort. IF I tweak her nipples, kiss her a little then we fuck it is all good....where is the 'work' in that for him? Foreplay and sex are work - fun work -but work nonetheless. You have to think about your partner's pleasure AND your pleasure at the same time. It is instrumental that both of you are pulling your weight to please on another.

Third, you have a typical 'routine' of sex - and this is very common for many couples. Kiss, fondle, oral, sex. GET OUT OF THE ROUTINE! It is the routine that allows him to be lazy! Try something new. Try to begin your night of fun by kissing and making out - like when you were first together. Do not start the same way every time. Deviation from the norm can really make things interesting and hot again. Try new things - bring toys into the bed for foreplay. If you don't already, consider shaving your pussy. Change thing up, it will be much more inspiring if you try to get out of the 1-2-3 sex routine.

Fourth, DO NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF! First, in his eyes he has done his duty - he climaxes, you had sex, now he is asleep - this really has nothing to do with you. If you are having sex and not climaxing, try to find a way to get that. Bring your bullet to bed with you, make SURE you have orgasms before sex if you have trouble during sex. OR, tell him when he is done that you did not climax and can he 'help you out.' - via toys or tongue! I mean, come on now! Do not feel badly about you because he is being....well, a typical man.

Now, this does not mean that this is 'your fault' per se, he definitely has responsibility for things, but I always say that sex is what you make of it! I think that this can certainly be fixed, it is a matter of communication, change of routine, not giving what you are not giving and making sex FUN again!

I hope that helped!

[Amylynn920]

Yes it did Mikayla and thanks. I just feel it's me. Like I'm too much trouble, too much work. Or I'm freaky for wanting new things.

I do feel sex is a two way street, I just am a giving person to my partner. I won't stop til they're done no matter what it takes and I just wish it were that way all around. I could never go blissfully off to sleep if he hadn't come and was frustrated. I don't care if I had to stand on my head. (tho that would be a feat )

Thanks for answering.

[Amylynn920]

'Aiden'

Yes it did Mikayla and thanks. I just feel it's me. Nope Like I'm too much trouble, Nope too much work. Nope Or I'm freaky for wanting new things. Nope

I do feel sex is a two way street, Yep I just am a giving person to my partner.Yep I won't stop til they're done no matter what it takes and I just wish it were that way all around. I could never go blissfully off to sleep if he hadn't come and was frustrated. because you're unselfish I don't care if I had to stand on my head. (tho that would be a feat )

Sounds like you're very giving and the guys figure that out... and yes, LAZZZY!!

I'll KicK him in the balls for you. K?

Nymph;)

What's so very depressing Nymph is that outside of the bedroom when we talk he understands, we have heart to hearts on it, he says he wants to be the best he can be for me, and I tell him. I have no issues saying what I want, but when we get in the bedroom all is forgotten. And sometimes when I mention something I'd like to try, he looks at me, chuckles and says "you're crazy" so that makes me feel like a freak. So that starts me thinking.. bad girl, skank, slut you name it.

I dunno. I finally at 45 found my sexual freedom or thought I did with him, but maybe I'm too freaky? Maybe I should be more of the "good girl"? But I don't want to be a good girl. I want to be everything to him that he's dreamed about or fantasized about. I want to play in the bedroom. I don't want vanilla sex. I want to be so much more. But then again, I don't know what he fantasizes about or dreams about. I ask, and I get "I dunno" or "nothing" so I don't know what to be other than me.

[pappyld04]

This sounds to me like a lady who needs to learn to take control over the situation. He is not about to put theeffort in until you make it clear that you want it your way. You have tried a lot of things and they haven't worked. Perhaps Mikayla could be a good mentor and teach you to take control of this one!

[Amylynn920]

Update and how we're working on this, I hope it helps some people that may be going through this too.

The issue was my esteem and communication. And it's funny because both he and I say so often that couples don't communicate, and we thought we did pretty well.

Here were the base problems.

I can't orgasm without some form of clitoral stimulation, either me doing it, him or a toy.

I don't always want to do it because some times I just want to be "done" if that makes sense. He can't always be doing it because sometimes his hands are occupied. So that leaves a toy. I prefer him first, then a bullet second.

The bullet acts like a third hand.

His issue was that he felt he should be adequate, which he is, but he only has two hands. So we knew he was ok with a bullet or a vibe, he doesn't like dildo's because to him they look too much like a penis, which some do, and he said the thought of holding a man's penis made him turn off sexually which I can understand.

So we agreed that we won't use something together that resembles a penis, I can live with that.

Ok the next issue was oral. I love to freely give, it's something he never got for more than a few minutes from his other partners, which is a crying shame. To see how much he loves it when I'm doing it to him is incredible.

I love oral on me. I never got it in my first marriage. EVER. This is my second serious marriage and he does a fantastic job at oral, but it went by the wayside because I need to tell him that I want it. And for some reason I felt that he didn't want to do it, so me being considerate of him (or so I thought) didn't ask for it, so he didn't put it foremost in his mind.

So that was the first communication block. We agreed that if he doesn't do it on his own for whatever reason, just have me ask. So I said that's fine too. I explained to him that that particular act is something no toy or each individual could replicate very well. It's a gift that a partner gives another. And he understood.

Then we talked about routine positions and how we both get comfortable doing something that works, and yes it is boring. So ...we have decided to purchase down the road an Esse, or a wooden Tantra Chair.

It's something we both want. Esse

And we have decided to make our bedroom our haven. To be used for basically two things. Sleeping and making love.

I brought in a gorgeous woven basket and filled it with oils for massages, bought some beautiful candles and a small fountain.

We are changing the room decor too. We're buying a chest that locks that will blend with the room decor for our toys that are our private things.

And we are making it a point to tell my son, tho he can always come for us if he needs us, this is NOT his playroom.

After we talked for about an hour we went into the bedroom to see what we could change, and make notes for colors and some inexpensive decor changes, and we ended up having one of the best sex sessions we've ever had.

Lots of kissing, stroking, skin to skin contact. And a lot of great foreplay for me. A good hour of oral, and two orgasms for me. Then we moved into some intercourse, and laughed and held each other and just connected.

Afterwards he held me and I drifted off into some of the best sleep I've had in a long time. It's so great to fall asleep in each other's arms.

This morning I woke up spooned with him, with him holding my breast and snuggled in next to me.

It all comes down to communication. And to anyone going through this, with dissatisfaction or feelings of inadequacy PLEASE PLEASE, and I can't emphasize this enough talk to your partner. This is a person that you allow into or you are allowed into your or their body. If you both do that, you can talk about anything.

We used alot of "I feel" words when we talked, no blame on the other, just stated what we both were feeling, our thoughts, and fears and now we can move forward.

Our sex was always good, it just needed tweaking.

I wanted to update like I said and hopefully have helped someone.

I cannot WAIT to get the Esse or the Tantra Chair. I'm about 35 minutes from Newbury Street and we are planning a trip there in the next couple of weeks. We want that chair, some more massage oils and see what other things strike our fancy.

Thanks to all who posted suggestions, all of your words were taken to heart.

[Mikayla1]

This is WONDERFUL! Not only are you communicating, but you realize what many people don't - that the bedroom is for sex and sleeping - not for bill paying, computer time, etc!

You have taken a very important first step here - it will continue to be a work in progress - but at least you know that you can talk to one another and your ultimate goal is the same! To be pleasured and to please! I am so happy for you!

[Amylynn920]

He is a wonderful man, and like I said sex was always good, but it needs to be fullfilling for both parties.

[pappyld04]

Dam girl. That's an amazing turn of events. Looks like you solved the problem yourself. GOOD JOB!

[chloegirl]

Way to go Aiden!!! I just love happy endings!

[Tyger]

Along with all the GREAT advice already given, let me just add that, even though y'all have talked all this out, 2 days does not make a HUGE change. He may try for a bit, then slack off. We've all done it. It's hard not to! Communication is very important. Having the other person understand is also very important. Retaining and practicing the suggestion to make things better makes for the change a long-term success. So, make sure to talk, make sure he understands, and make sure he follows thru!!

Oh, and just because you're learning what you like, and what gets you off doesn't make you a freak, it makes you a sexually knowlegable woman!

Best wishes on the continued success!!

[pappyld04]

If you're a freak I must say you are in good company here. It's just my opinion but I think everyone is a freak in some way. Some are just a lot harder to notice. Who would we be to define what a freak is. And I have to wonder if it's a bad thing? This is only a quality that isn't seen on the same terms by you and your SO. It's just something to be worked on from both sides if you choose to,

[Amylynn920]

Thanks guys, one day at at a time, and this is a work in progress I think.

[angelkisses98]

aiden, i went through that with my hubby to. i finally just started laying there and staring up that the ceiling, or just pushed him off me all together. i finally looked at him, and said i am tired of telling him over and over again what i wanted, when he was ready to finally listen and give me what i was asking for to let me know. he changed his tune real quick. sometimes we gotta pull the bitch card.

im glad everything is going great for you!! when you see im "slipping" just give him a reminder

[Amylynn920]

I wanted to update again, because my husband and I are really discovering so much about each other. We were always close, but now the sex is so much more emotionally connecting, as well as physically satisfying for us both.

I know talking is a hard thing to do as couples some times but it's really a necessity.

Last night we watched a couple movies together, cuddled up on the couch. Two girly romance movies, that he picked out because he knows I like them, and that consideration meant so much to me.

When we went to bed, we were both tired and both agreed we just wanted some nice go to sleep orgasms as we call them. Orgasms that are obtained easily and lovingly just without intercourse. So we did some oral and mutual masturbation, and took our time. When we were done we both just drifted off to a really deep sleep.

What was really cool was that for the first time I was able to fully deep throat him, and he came in my throat versus my mouth which was an awesome experience.

Communication is so necessary and helps us connect on so many levels.

[Kinky_Kitty]

I have to say that I know what you are talking about since I go through that all the time. In my opinion we (women) tend to give too much and do too much to please them and then feel bad for not getting it back and THEN, when we are fed up, we make the big mistake to "talk about it" and they, of course, will listen to you the first time, but when we talk about it too much, they tend to not listen anymore, or I guess in your case, say what he knows or thinks you want to hear, and all that conversation was apparently a waste of time. So I recommend that when you feel that way again, talk to him in a more casual way so that he won't feel overwhelmed when you are addressing certain issues and will remember for next time.

[Amylynn920]

I have to say that I know what you are talking about since I go through that all the time. In my opinion we (women) tend to give too much and do too much to please them and then feel bad for not getting it back and THEN, when we are fed up, we make the big mistake to "talk about it" and they, of course, will listen to you the first time, but when we talk about it too much, they tend to not listen anymore, or I guess in your case, say what he knows or thinks you want to hear, and all that conversation was apparently a waste of time. So I recommend that when you feel that way again, talk to him in a more casual way so that he won't feel overwhelmed when you are addressing certain issues and will remember for next time.

Actually our talks are very casual, he just felt that since I wasn't directly asking I didn't directly want. My feedback was important to him too. I just needed to step up to the plate and give it.

[Amylynn920]

Last night rocked! I am happy to say things are going so much better. 120% better. Last night was a focus on just me and it was awesome.

I experienced my legs shaved for me on the couch, along with some great thigh and clitoral teasing, on to the bedroom for a long bout of oral on me, my gosh is he good at that then another fantastic orgasm through intercourse that left us both on cloud 9 and me paralyzed for a half hour

It's so wonderful being able to be pampered for a night.

Thanks hon!

[mailahn97]

That is great to hear. I am glad that things are working out for you.