What Would You Do?

[cmwise1]

I met a man who I like intellectually but who is mediocre, at best, in the bedroom. This sounds very immature, but he is really small. I promised myself that if I entered into another relationship, at my age, i would want it to be long-term. Can the mind part over-come the physical? If he just had a huge penis and we had nothing in common, I wouldn't like that, either.

The hard thing ( ) is that he thinks it is good in the bedroom, so he is ready for charging forward. Since we have only been sexual once, i wonder if more practice might help...but I am afraid at the same time that creating more physical intimacy will only confuse the picture. I am not at the same place as he is emotionally...and I keep trying to slow things down.

My basic question: Since I am a very sexual person. I want someone who can full fill my needs in the bedroom. All of them. I didn't have that before in my relationships and I want it, now. I don't know that this guy can't live up to my expectations, because i've only slept with him once. But I wonder if continuing the sexual relationship is prudent, because what if it doesn't get any better? Can I live with that?

Building the emotional intimacy that would be required for me takes time and that is what i am trying to do, but why should I bother if it is going to be bad in the bedroom? That would hurt terribly, to become close emotionally yet not be happy physically...can you overlook shortcomings in an essential part of the relationship? Even if you WANT to, can you really?

I hope this makes some sort of sense....it's not just a question is a big cock necessary.....can one give up ideals (and that is what they are) and settle for what is in front of them and be happy?

[flutterbie]

This is just my opinion, but I learned the hard way never to settle.

[Angelina]

i did...we've been together 13 years and i'm just now getting the guts to approch him about sex.

you have a leg upon me though you know what you need and (it seems) you're not afraid tdodo ask for it.

if the emtional part is there and you have the guts it could be sweet!

if you do PLEASE don't be a chicken like me.

[Tyger]

I guess the question would be what will happen if he still isn't satisfying you in bed in 3 mos? Great lovers are made, not born. A man with a small penis can be just as good of a lover as a man with an 8"+ penis, if he knows where to touch his woman. Each woman likes to be touched a different way. He may not know how YOU like to be touched. Until he knows that things are less than spectacular, you are half responsible, even if you put on your best moves on him. Gently show him how to touch you, suggest things, point his tongue, fingers, and penis in the areas and positions YOU like the best!

Many a'time, the first time a couple has sex, everyone's so nervous, that it's a disappointing experience for one, or both. Especially if one fakes it (not saying you did).

You also need to figure out if this man is compatable with you emotionally & intellectually. Don't let a one time sexual snafu kill a positively great relationship.

BEST WISHES!!

[chloegirl]

Pinky, all I know is that if I ever had to do it again I would NEVER settle for less than totally satisfying otherwise you're back in that boat of "yeah he's a really nice guy, but...." I mean you can have all the male friends in the world but the one in your bed better be able to take you there or it's just another "friendship". You might give him another chance....sometimes that first time is just that too shy to let go thing, but if it still doesn't fly I'd look elsewhere for a lover. Good luck girl! Hope you find the mother lode!

[Amylynn920]

How is he in other areas? Oral? Finger play etc. And how "mediocre" is he inquiring minds what to know..

[angelkisses98]

How is he in other areas? Oral? Finger play etc. And how "mediocre" is he inquiring minds what to know..

yes, more details please

[cmwise1]

yes, more details please

Well, let's see...it was the first time and we hadn't met before that night...we had e-mailed and IMed. He drove for 2 hours to get to my place and arrived at 2 am. He was very handsome, charming, enthusiastic. We talked for about 2 hours, had a good time, but no immediate click for me. Apparently there was for him. It was obvious where we were going to sleep. In the bedroom, however, oral lasted about 10 minutes for me...then nothing else..it was very late, like 4 am. In the morning, regular vanilla sex...4 on a scale of 10, then it was all about me giving him anal for about 30 minutes with a vibrator (mine!!) We got dressed, had coffee, then back to the bedroom...I'm like, great, my turn....but more anal for him. He did ask me a question..something like was there anything he could do for me...but i was freaked a bit by the anal(because it was MY vibrator and I didn't know him all that well yet and was surprised by his request...not that I have a problem with it.) so i said no, I thought that was what he meant...I could have been mistaken.

Then in later conversations on the phone, we would have phone sex and it was like.."tell me what you want to do to me" instead of "this is what i want to do to you".

I know there is not much of a difference, but it seemed more about him and not about us, having fun together. I aint no genius..by that time all I had to do is say "I'll fuck you in the ass" and he was happy as a clam.

I'm a bit tipsy as I write this...a good friend is moving away and her husband's B-day party was tonight..I had a drink too many..but I just wonder, is it worth trying it all another time? According to him, the sex was great...and i will admit, I said only 2 things after: A lady always comes first, and I don't mind anal at all. But i wasn't exactly forthcoming with all the details/specifics of what I like because there didn't seem to be a chance where I could do this. I am so confused. I wish the sex hadn't happened, because that seems to be the only negative. But that one factor is so very important to me..I did not have a good sex life before and I want one now, and I don't want to spend 10 years teaching someone what I like. Is that too much to ask?? Probably, at my age!!

[chloegirl]

Woah Pinky! This doesn't sound like a guy worth messing with....you'd think that the first time around he would be trying a little harder to "impress" you not just lay back and take everything without reciprocating, as if you were there for the express purpose of servicing him. Sounds like a selfish jerk to me....you deserve better, I'd pass on this one!

[flutterbie]

I agree, I'd pass too. Sounds a bit too selfish to me.

[mystofpric]

Pinky I always bare in mind that the first time can suck, but that doesn't mean it won't get better. give it time, if you like him outside of the bedd room, give him a chance (and feedback) to make it better.

[Amylynn920]

I wouldn't see him again. Sounds to me like it's all about him. And if he's trying to impress which most people are first time out, well he flunked. Just my .02

[cmwise1]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice. No, Poon, I hardly ever drink and when I do, it's usually hard lemonade. Last night was special because of the combined going away/birthday party.

I don't want to be a jerk about it. We are still in communication and I have asked that we slow down. He has complied with everything I have asked of him so far. I think he really is a nice guy. I'm just so disappointed...I am almost afraid to have sex again..if it is bad I'll feel I have wasted my time. I know all this sounds immature...but I am no spring chicken, and when you get to be my age, relationships can move a little faster than when you are young because you know yourself better (hopefully) and are more comfortable and secure. I did not mention last night, but I did try my hardest...I forgot to mention oral for him twice and lots of attention...back rub, touching, etc. I also felt personally very bad because I had violated my own personal codes of safety and ethics..my girlfriends reemed me out pretty well about on-line dating and safety. Perhaps all of that has colored my perception of the weekend.

Because of the negative feeling about this one, i may have to write it off as an experience. Which is a shame, because men don't fall on my doorstep.

[thurisas]

I have to agree with poon here. He did ask if there was anything he could do for you. You made an assumption as to what that meant instead of taking charge and telling him what it was. You could very well be leading him to believe that you're a giver and not so much of a receiver. Boo on you for that.

That being said, something just doesn't sound quite right here, and I think you know it as well. You know yourself, your personality, your likes, your dislikes and all of that better than we do. You post makes it sound like you've already made up your mind about the whole situation and are just trying to come to terms with the decision you've already made.

My advice is life is too short. Don't settle with something you're already not happy with. There are many other men out there and you've shown already that you're an attractive, intelligent woman. Go find someone worth your while.

Randy.

[vanilla_bean]

After reading the details, Pinky, I'm not at all surprised that he thought the sex was great. I'm sure it was great for him. I'm of two minds really. On one hand, if you've got something going with this guy and can discuss things openly with him then that shows a lot of potential.The first time could have been a blip and maybe, with guidance and honest communication, he'll be a considerate, fulfilling lover. On the other hand, I've learned the hard way that it's important to listen to your gut. What's it telling you? If instinct (and not just nerves) is telling you to close the door on this guy then that trumps everything.

Hope all goes well.

[pappyld04]

I just figured I'd weigh in and say that you have gotten your answer from everyone here already. I know some couples that are exact opposites and can make that work in their favor but this sounds like a convenience thing more than love.

[mystofpric]

Well this will teach me to read everything before forming an opinion. Run. Run far run fast. If you want to stay friend, that I can understand, you did say he was a decent human being outside of the bedroom. BUt lock your bedroom door to him cause damn. n If you want to give it one more try, lay down ground rules, or tell him that it's his turn to do the work.

[sun_flower969]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice. No, Poon, I hardly ever drink and when I do, it's usually hard lemonade. Last night was special because of the combined going away/birthday party.

I don't want to be a jerk about it. We are still in communication and I have asked that we slow down. He has complied with everything I have asked of him so far. I think he really is a nice guy. I'm just so disappointed...I am almost afraid to have sex again..if it is bad I'll feel I have wasted my time. I know all this sounds immature...but I am no spring chicken, and when you get to be my age, relationships can move a little faster than when you are young because you know yourself better (hopefully) and are more comfortable and secure. I did not mention last night, but I did try my hardest...I forgot to mention oral for him twice and lots of attention...back rub, touching, etc. I also felt personally very bad because I had violated my own personal codes of safety and ethics..my girlfriends reemed me out pretty well about on-line dating and safety. Perhaps all of that has colored my perception of the weekend.

Because of the negative feeling about this one, i may have to write it off as an experience. Which is a shame, because men don't fall on my doorstep.

I always say give everything a second chance. Whether food, a toy or a friend etc, you get the picture. I get the impression that you don't know this guy all that well. If it was me I think I would try to give him the benefit of the doubt and get together once more. Not necessarily for sex but just to have a date. If this guy is just about getting laid or whatever I think it will become obvious. Also it may have been the newness of it all making you nervous so it wasn't as good. This guy was probably overwhelmed with your fab body and how great you are in bed. He was most likely thinking, "How did I get so lucky?" I do feel that it was a bit bold of him to ask for the anal w/the vibe so soon off the bat. I guess I feel I would need a little warming up to that, not the first time we had sex but that's just me.

[chloegirl]

...I do feel that it was a bit bold of him to ask for the anal w/the vibe so soon off the bat. I guess I feel I would need a little warming up to that, not the first time we had sex but that's just me.

I agree with Sun on this point (especially cause he asked for it twice and nada for you). And even though he asked "what he could do for you" I mean come on....at the very least he could have tried to be a little more "giving" even with plain old vanilla sex without having to be TOLD what to do. Communication and learning a new partner's preferences and desires are all good and important, but really....if you have to be told to perform basic stuff then that's a sign the person may well be super repressed, selfish, or just plain sexually retarded and I agree...at our age it's just not worth having to go thru the time to have to teach them. If you like him as a person and are attracted to him maybe give him the benefit of the doubt but like the others have said....go with your gut... if you have to try too hard right out of the gate I'd say it's just not worth going there.

[ManofHerdreams]

Pinky,

After reading this, I could go on and on about this guy and what I think he is after but to sum it up in a nutshell. He's self centered with a big ego that is out to please himself rather than anyone else.

Seems to me that a lot men with less than average endowment are this way. Seems like it may their way of coping with or avoiding the issue. If he isn't having to use it he isn't thinking about it or worried about coming up short so to speak.

Just my opinion but this guy isn't the one for you. Don't Settle for less than you desire in your heart.

Man

[jj53]

Hi Pinky

I SETTLED once and it was terrible. I was her first sexual partner and after the first time it was all about her, not a care in the world how I felt or if I enjoyed. Thank god I was sent over seas and she couldn't handle it and divorced me. A few years later I met and married Di and it's been wild and fun every since. So if you feel like your settling; don't, keep trying until you find someone who wants to share, not be the center of the relationship. By the way don't listen to iha, at 48 you have half of your life or more ahead of you, you don't have to rush into anything, take your time and find the guy who lights your fire and promises to do it for the rest of your lives, ENJOY.