Members Orlando Posted July 3, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 First - me - I'm 58, in good physical shape, not skinny but not fat by any means. I run two or three marathons a year, eat well, don't drink much and stay in shape. Her - she's 59, trim, sexy as hell, but has a chronic problem that recurs every few weeks and puts her out of commission for a week or two. We met a year ago and have been having (or trying to have) sex for 10 months. But there are problems. I have issues with ED on a frequent basis since my wife left me and she hadn't had sex for 3 years. So the first time we had sex I had trouble getting it up, then once that success was achieved, she discovered that sex now hurts her if we don't use lube. So basically - no spontaneous sex for us.My ED problem bothered her a lot. She thought it was her not being sexy enough. I tried and tried to reassure her, and I think she understands it is really mostly me. The ED bothered ME a lot too. Aside from the embarrassment, the ED is a huge mental problem for me because I get incredibly horny and want sex but sometimes I don't get an erection (that happened about 90% of the time 9 months ago, down to about 10% of the time now). Our sexual problems had us talking about sex more than doing it. There was an undercurrent of unspoken nostalgia for our sexual pasts. One night she got really drunk and started babbling about how great sex used to be for her and how men USED to find her sexy. She and the guy in her last relationship fought like animals but they had sex every day in every conceivable fashion and they were fucking all the time. That was just what I needed to hear. It made my ED even worse. In my head I kept comparing myself - an old guy who needs a pill and a lot of stimulation to get going - to her past guy who apparently walked around with a stiff dick all day long and fucked her any time of the day, in any way, in any room in the house, or the lawn, on the porch, in the car, on the beach .... you get the picture. Between having to compete with that and not knowing if I'll be able to perform AT ALL, I have become incredibly shy about initiating sex.I want my old sex life back and I think she wants hers back too. It is a huge problem in our relationship. She seems to be losing interest in sex with me pretty fast. In the beginning she initiated sex about once a week, but sometimes I couldn't do it. She hasn't initiated in over two months and I think it's because she's getting frustrated over my lack of performance. Ironically, the ED has been getting better lately as I've taken a less serious attitude toward the relationship and I've begun to worry less about if it's going to last. I'm just letting it be what it is. We could now be having sex as much as she wants, but she doesn't want!My wife and I had relationship problems (we fought like animals too) but the sex was great. We'd have long sessions some nights, and sometimes I'd just lift her up on the kitchen counter or bend her over the back of the sofa and have at her. She never had an orgasm with the quickies, but liked them and laughed and giggled and it really turned me on. When we had long sessions she had many orgasms. God, I miss that carefree, fun sex. Now, if we have sex, we have to plan for it like it was the D-day invasion and sometimes I can't get it up. Why does everything have to be so hard? I have a crappy relationship with great sex, or a great relationship with disappointing sex. OK, specific questions here. I've had sex a thousand times but never even thought about how I initiated sex before. So now that I'm thinking about it I don't know what to do and I really don't want to get turned down! I want to let her know I want her and make the idea of having sex RIGHT NOW appealing to her. Ladies, how do you want your man to let you know he wants you? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted July 3, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Hey there, first off don't be so hard on yourself! (no pun intended ) A couple questions... Are you on meds now for ED? I think Ciallis is one that can help you to be more spontaneous. I believe it works for 36 hours. For her, needing lube is VERY common! Especially at her age. Assuming she is post menopausal her hormones are just not what they used to be. Lube is great! I use it, need it or not! KY silk is my favorite! Also I have heard taking a soy supplement (like Estroven) can help balance her out. I personally like it when My husband subtly lets me know what's in store for me later. A whisper in my ear, an email telling me that he is thinking of me, what he wants to do to me etc... Do you guys use toys? Oral for her? I think If you blow her mind a few times either by oral or toy play, or both! She will be begging for more!!! I know I do! I hope that helps! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted July 3, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Hey Orlando.Welcome to TT. You've got a lot going on. There are lots of people here who will have excellent advice for you. Have you read the articles yet? ED is discussed as are some other things and they are great resources.As for your specific question, I like it when sex is a planned event. Getting showered, shaved, dressed up, having dinner....all the while knowing what waits at the end. As for more spontaneous sex, it usually just starts with a certain touch or knowing smile.Hope that's somewhat helpful, but I'm sure you'll get good advice from others. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cmwise1 Posted July 3, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Welcome to TT, Orlando. I am glad that you have sought advice....I hope we can help you.ED..as Sun said, are you on a med like Viagra, cialis, etc.? Those can help give a reliable performance and cut down on last minute anxiety.SO's pain..postmenopausal lack of topical estrogen can cause a lot of pain during sex. Lube helps a lot, but getting a topical estrogen cream in there is a good idea, too. Using Estrace, which is synthetic estrogen, can thicken up the vaginal lining and make sex much more comfortable..plus it can help the libido.Nostalgia..I think sex can get better as we age, but it depends on ones mindset...and the partner. I believe that for me, a relationship would require sex, and i know it won't be as spontaneous as when i was 25. But it still can be HOT! Both of you are looking back too often and not looking forward with each other.As for initiating? I love little hints all through the day..some not so subtle. Then a kiss on the neck and a whisper in the ear would do it for me.Good luck to you! I hope some of this helps in any way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Orlando Posted July 3, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Thank you for the great responses! She has talked to her doc and uses estrogen cream. We have AstroGlide and a couple of varieties of KY by the bed. I tried Viagra (don't like it), Levitra (don't like it much), and Cialis (WOO HOOO!!!) My problem is largely mental. I do think a lot about her past and mine. She is very open sexually, and early in our relationship she talked about wanting to watch porn together and use toys - things I've never done with a woman before (but I guess she and her ex did regularly). With her I have let a woman watch me masterbate and watched her masterbate for the first time. I'm intrigued and ready for new experiences, but it's hard for me to get into it when she's only interested in any kind of sex about once a month and I never know if my equipment is going to work if she is. Plus, I want us to share new experiences together, and from what she told me on that drunken night there isn't much she and her ex haven't done - multiple times. When I do try to get a bit adventurous - nothing. I fulfilled a fantasy with her a couple of months ago - tied her hands behind her back, fucked her mouth until I was about to cum and then jacked off on her tits. She didn't say a word. To this day I don't know if she thought it was hot, stupid, or boring. I need some feedback here because what is going through my mind is that she's thinking I'm either incredibly boring or incredibly stupid compared to the ex. One thing that works for us is oral sex. I learned a lot of what has been posted here about it with my ex. I can help my SO cum for 5 or 10 minutes - until she pushes my head away and says, "enough!" She says it's great, amazing, wonderful and I think she's sincere, but she's only up for that once every month or so.I seem to be very touchy mentally - some things she can say or some things that go through my head just turn everything off. I don't know what to do about that. I don't WANT to be sensitive, but it just happens. I think much of the problem is that I don't have much confidence anymore. I thought I was a good husband and thought I was good at sex, but my wife left me (to go live alone) anyway. I must have been sucked pretty badly at both the sex and the husband thing if she'd rather have no one than me. I knew it would take time to work that out, but hearing about how great my SO's ex was in the sex department has made it a great deal harder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted July 3, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 I fulfilled a fantasy with her a couple of months ago - tied her hands behind her back, fucked her mouth until I was about to cum and then jacked off on her tits. She didn't say a word. To this day I don't know if she thought it was hot, stupid, or boring. I need some feedback here because what is going through my mind is that she's thinking I'm either incredibly boring or incredibly stupid compared to the ex.Sounds pretty damn HOT to me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ToyQueen Posted July 3, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 3, 2008 Sounds hot to me too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ohshelly Posted July 5, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2008 Me, too!! I would have expressed my appreciation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted July 6, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 Plus, I want us to share new experiences together, and from what she told me on that drunken night there isn't much she and her ex haven't done - multiple times. how great my SO's ex was in the sex department has made it a great deal harder. If you're doing stuff together for the first time, it is a new experience IMO. Trust me, you'll bring something new to it.And you know what? Your ex is gone, for whatever reason. Try to let her go. Her leaving may have had nothing to do with your abilities as a lover or a husband. It was more likely about her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cmwise1 Posted July 6, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 If you're doing stuff together for the first time, it is a new experience IMO. Trust me, you'll bring something new to it.And you know what? Your ex is gone, for whatever reason. Try to let her go. Her leaving may have had nothing to do with your abilities as a lover or a husband. It was more likely about her.Absolutely!! I am divorced and i left my husband because of many other issues, but sex was not one of them. I am alone now just because i am looking for the right man.If you want to know whether she liked your fantasy (and it IS HOT, BTW) ask her...maybe she liked it, maybe not. But there must be some communication here on a regular basis, not only when too much wine is flowing. Sun is right. She may be experienced, but each act is new with you and therefore a new experience. Talk outside of the bedroom, when the pressure is not on, and ask her what she wants and tell her that you would be more than happy to give it to her. I know i make it sound easy on here and it is hard to do in real life, but give it a try. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sun_flower969 Posted July 6, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 6, 2008 Absolutely!! I am divorced and i left my husband because of many other issues, but sex was not one of them. I am alone now just because i am looking for the right man.If you want to know whether she liked your fantasy (and it IS HOT, BTW) ask her...maybe she liked it, maybe not. But there must be some communication here on a regular basis, not only when too much wine is flowing. Sun is right. She may be experienced, but each act is new with you and therefore a new experience. Talk outside of the bedroom, when the pressure is not on, and ask her what she wants and tell her that you would be more than happy to give it to her. I know i make it sound easy on here and it is hard to do in real life, but give it a try.Actually Pinky that was Van who said that... Just giving credit where it is due! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Orlando Posted July 8, 2008 Author Members Report Share Posted July 8, 2008 Hi. I just wanted to say thanks for all the help. The problem is mostly in my head, and your encouragement and words of wisdom (and experience!) have been a great help. This is a great forum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members vanilla_bean Posted July 8, 2008 Members Report Share Posted July 8, 2008 Hi. I just wanted to say thanks for all the help. The problem is mostly in my head, and your encouragement and words of wisdom (and experience!) have been a great help. This is a great forum. Our pleasure (if I can speak for others). Yes, this is a great forum! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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