Orlando

I was on the other end of one of these situations. I got sexually involved with a woman about 5 years older than me - we were basically toys for each other. It lasted about 2 years. She said her husband knew about it and was OK with it, but I was skeptical and kind of avoided being around him. At a christmas party he came up to me and told me how happy he was that his wife and I were having sex a couple times a week. Said he'd never seen her happier. He said he liked me, was glad it was me that his wife was sleeping with, and wanted to be friends with me (which I kinda took as a warm-up to suggesting a three-some). The three of us started having breakfast together. She and I would come from spending the night at my house and meet hubby in a restaurant, talk, and chit-chat like old friends. I was never totally comfortable with it. I'm sitting there thinking, "Damn, 20 minutes ago I was balls deep in your wife and we all know it and now we're talking about the stock market." The sex was "adventurous" and fun but I met someone and fell in love. The sex with my SO was just so much more satisfying, of course then I ended it with the toy.

I am acquainted with a man whose wife divorced him (allegedly) because he wanted sex once or twice a day and she didn't want it that much. I don't remember the details, but there was some talk about him having an addiction. Given one of the definitions of addiction (a behavior that you continue to engage in even if it is harmful to you or your family), I think it could have been called an addiction.

It used to when I was with my wife. I miss it.

I didn't mean to imply that it would give you hemorrhoids. I meant to say if you already have that problem, you don't want anyone messing with your butt. That's why some people won't try anal.

Sorry, you misunderstood my response I've already GOT hemorrhoids. Just a normal daily routine is painful sometimes. So no, no messing with my ass thanks.

We talked. Finally. Found out there are huge differences in the way my SO and I think about sex, and that is the root of the problem I talked about in the beginning of this thread. For me, sex is a central part of a romantic relationship. It's a bonding experience that enhances the relationship and brings the couple together. It is a way of expressing love. For her, sex is more of a service you provide to each other. Expressing love, to her, is done differently. One example she gave me is being in bed naked together and holding each other and NOT having sex (OK, that's about the weirdest way of expressing your love for someone that I've ever heard of - am I nuts?). So all this time I've been expecting her to show some interest making love in a romantic, emotional setting and she hasn't been on the same page at all. She's been expecting me to say, "Turn over I want sex now." I've always heard the direct approach like that turned women off so I didn't take it. Neither one of us was getting our expectations met so neither of us was happy. I'm going to try to work this out. We talked about what good sex would be like for her which, for one example, would be me calling from the office and telling her I'm up for sex, coming home for lunch, doing it, and going back to work. For me it would be candlelight and some music - the usual American romantic ideal. I'm going to miss romantic love making. I may miss it so much that I finally end this relationship and start over. Hate to do it, I've put so much into this so far.

Wow. I think I miscommunicated a bit here. I do think I said she has good orgasms about every time we have sex. I do my best to make sure she gets off almost every time (like 90%). Sex is never a chore for me. I did say I'm aware of the time and what I'm doing - I don't get completely lost in it the way I have in the past - but I do enjoy every minute of pleasuring her, she has a great body and turns me on to no end. But how do I take it when she doesn't want to be pleasured very often and seems uncomfortable with it? It may be all in my head, because she DOES have orgasms - she's told me she's had the most incredible orgasms with me that she's ever had. I got a little bullet vibrator from this web site for her and we used once and she went wild! I thought she was having a seizure! But we used it that once and she has never mentioned it again. We DO seem emotionally detached when having sex. And she DOES refer to it as "having sex" - she'll say, "Do you want sex this morning?" Not, "Let's make love this morning." It's so weird because our relationship otherwise is wonderful. We have fun together, bike, hike, travel together and we have wonderful sensuous evenings that don't lead to sex, we read to each other, and enjoy just talking. I'm sure part of the problem is me. That's mostly why I'm here, to get advice on how I can better understand her (yeah, and doing some venting of my frustrations too). Part of the problem may be that she was born and raised in a different country. She's been here for 35 years, but she may still have different attitudes toward sex. Thanks

This brings up a good question. What is the difference between not-so-good sex and fantastic sex? I'll bet everyone has a different answer. It would be interesting to see what everyone says.

Thank all of you all for taking the time to think about the problem I posted. To answer your questions, she talks about being very sexual in other relationships. (In her last relationship they had sex every day.) With me, she seems interested about twice a month. When we do have sex she has incredible orgasms most times - they seem to go on forever. The thing is, I not only want sex more often, I want HER to want it more often. That may be too much to ask. I know it takes a lot to get her going and I know she worries about that. I wanted to give her oral once and she said, "No, it might take half an hour." As if that was a bad thing! You are probably right, she has hangups that I don't realize. I think she has an attitude that men just need to get off now and then and it's her job as a woman to be there as the facilitator or vessel or something - that sex isn't really for her enjoyment except on certain occasions. I don't like that. As I said, she is happy to get me off, but it isn't very pleasurable to me if I feel like I'm just being serviced. If she isn't interested in it for her own pleasure then I really rather not do it. One the other hand, I very much enjoy going down on her, getting her off, and then falling asleep with my head on her tummy. I don't know, the more I think about this the more confused I get.

I've been with my SO for a year now. Sex has never been really mentally/emotionally comfortable for me, and I suspect it's never been comfortable for her. It almost always seems awkward and contrived. We go through the motions and we are both pretty technically skilled - maybe not porn stars but we've covered most of the "wish list" items on that other thread. But am never really, totally "into" it like I've been with other women. I suspect, from her reactions (or lack of reactions) that she isn't into it either. With the ex I got totally lost when we were making love. I could be on another planet for all I knew. With my current SO I'm aware of every minute. Often, I will initiate sex and she will take control, roll me over, give me a BJ, spit in the sink, and go to sleep. It's like she just wants to get it over with and doesn't want the bother of me kissing her, going down on her, or otherwise giving her attention. She says she likes pleasing me, but it's so totally mechanical it isn't pleasurable at all. I've tried to have discussions with her about it, but she always says things are fine for her. It's to the point where I avoid situations that might lead to sex. I just don't need the hassle and disappointment. In other areas we get along fine and I don't like to be reminded that in THIS area things seem so wrong. I don't know whether to live with it, end the relationship, or if there is something that can be done to make sex fun again.

I'm enjoying this discussion. I'm one of those who goes limp. (At least any more. I don't remember how I responded 10 years ago.) As I've gotten more experience I no longer think there is not a direct connection between physical arousal and sexual excitement. Lots of times, especially when a guy is younger, yeah, they can seem like pretty much the same thing. But as men get older it takes more stimulation to get and keep the physical arousal part even though the attraction and excitement are still there. The state of his penis is really not a good barometer of how emotionally aroused a guy is. So if your guy seems interested and seems to be enjoying sex with you, don't take it personally if his wick goes limp for a while.

I'm loving this thread. Would like to know more about the "speak-love make-love" game before ordering it. We've been together less than a year and the SO and I are still a little shy with each other.

My answer is "no." When I was younger I thought I enjoyed sex without the emotional connection. Once I experienced sex in a good, loving relationship I guess I was spoiled. I had an FWB for a while after my marriage ended, but the sex wasn't all that satisfying and the stress of maintaining it was pretty hard. I was an FWB for a woman for a year and didn't know it. She was secretly engaged to another man and was using me for playtime. I thought we were developing a relationship. It ended badly, but as I look back it's kind of gratifying that she thought sex with me was good enough that she risked her engagement to sleep with me.

Easy to answer for me. Hemorrhoids. Blood and pain - not sexy, not fun. No thanks .

I am so sorry for the lack of response you got to your letter Aiden. It was such a wonderful thing to do!! You were so honest, and mixed your needs and desires with humor is such a way that possibly threatening feelings were just playful and fun loving. It was a work of art and clearly an act of love. You deserve a thoughtful response, or at least the offer to sit down with you and read it together and discuss it. I was so inspired when I read it that I thought I would try to write a similar letter to my SO. My letter was probably not as good as yours, but I got the same sort of response. "I read it. Maybe we can talk about it someday." It's disappointing, to say the least. Good luck. You did great.

<<But, when it comes to sex, it is the same as it has always been. It’s great, but it is still just sex. There is no caressing, very little kissing, no hugging afterward. It is still down and dirty, raw sex. It makes me think I am reading too much into the phone calls and chit-chat stuff. I only have two friends I can talk with about this and one is way too straight-laced to be able to talk about the sex part with and the other is too close to the situation to give an unbiased answer.>> Maybe "just sex" is the only way he knows how to do sex. I mention this because my SO was in a relationship in which I KNOW the guy adored her, but she confided to me that the sex was really great, but when it was over he was snoring in five minutes. I'm puzzled at how sex can be great and not have any follow up, no talking, no closeness afterwards. Sounds like disappointing sex to me. Wish I knew more about how women tick. Anyway, just know that guys can be deeply in love and have no idea how to express it sexually.

Vanilla with sprinkles here - when it happens. I'm reading through Mikayla's articles now on how to deal with differing libidos.

Two of the things that get my girl going are for me to read romantic/erotic short stories to her and for us to watch sexy movies together. I've read her one of the stories I found on this site, plus some I've found elsewhere. We are looking for stories and movies of people who are connecting emotionally and having sex, not just descriptions or depictions of sex acts. The commonly available slam-bam porn turns both of us off, so I'm looking for suggestions for sexy movies and stories that we can share - something with a story as well as some sexual tension that may or may not lead to graphic sex. These sorts of things seem to be hard to find.

Hi. I just wanted to say thanks for all the help. The problem is mostly in my head, and your encouragement and words of wisdom (and experience!) have been a great help. This is a great forum.

Thank you for the great responses! She has talked to her doc and uses estrogen cream. We have AstroGlide and a couple of varieties of KY by the bed. I tried Viagra (don't like it), Levitra (don't like it much), and Cialis (WOO HOOO!!!) My problem is largely mental. I do think a lot about her past and mine. She is very open sexually, and early in our relationship she talked about wanting to watch porn together and use toys - things I've never done with a woman before (but I guess she and her ex did regularly). With her I have let a woman watch me masterbate and watched her masterbate for the first time. I'm intrigued and ready for new experiences, but it's hard for me to get into it when she's only interested in any kind of sex about once a month and I never know if my equipment is going to work if she is. Plus, I want us to share new experiences together, and from what she told me on that drunken night there isn't much she and her ex haven't done - multiple times. When I do try to get a bit adventurous - nothing. I fulfilled a fantasy with her a couple of months ago - tied her hands behind her back, fucked her mouth until I was about to cum and then jacked off on her tits. She didn't say a word. To this day I don't know if she thought it was hot, stupid, or boring. I need some feedback here because what is going through my mind is that she's thinking I'm either incredibly boring or incredibly stupid compared to the ex. One thing that works for us is oral sex. I learned a lot of what has been posted here about it with my ex. I can help my SO cum for 5 or 10 minutes - until she pushes my head away and says, "enough!" She says it's great, amazing, wonderful and I think she's sincere, but she's only up for that once every month or so. I seem to be very touchy mentally - some things she can say or some things that go through my head just turn everything off. I don't know what to do about that. I don't WANT to be sensitive, but it just happens. I think much of the problem is that I don't have much confidence anymore. I thought I was a good husband and thought I was good at sex, but my wife left me (to go live alone) anyway. I must have been sucked pretty badly at both the sex and the husband thing if she'd rather have no one than me. I knew it would take time to work that out, but hearing about how great my SO's ex was in the sex department has made it a great deal harder.

First - me - I'm 58, in good physical shape, not skinny but not fat by any means. I run two or three marathons a year, eat well, don't drink much and stay in shape. Her - she's 59, trim, sexy as hell, but has a chronic problem that recurs every few weeks and puts her out of commission for a week or two. We met a year ago and have been having (or trying to have) sex for 10 months. But there are problems. I have issues with ED on a frequent basis since my wife left me and she hadn't had sex for 3 years. So the first time we had sex I had trouble getting it up, then once that success was achieved, she discovered that sex now hurts her if we don't use lube. So basically - no spontaneous sex for us. My ED problem bothered her a lot. She thought it was her not being sexy enough. I tried and tried to reassure her, and I think she understands it is really mostly me. The ED bothered ME a lot too. Aside from the embarrassment, the ED is a huge mental problem for me because I get incredibly horny and want sex but sometimes I don't get an erection (that happened about 90% of the time 9 months ago, down to about 10% of the time now). Our sexual problems had us talking about sex more than doing it. There was an undercurrent of unspoken nostalgia for our sexual pasts. One night she got really drunk and started babbling about how great sex used to be for her and how men USED to find her sexy. She and the guy in her last relationship fought like animals but they had sex every day in every conceivable fashion and they were fucking all the time. That was just what I needed to hear. It made my ED even worse. In my head I kept comparing myself - an old guy who needs a pill and a lot of stimulation to get going - to her past guy who apparently walked around with a stiff dick all day long and fucked her any time of the day, in any way, in any room in the house, or the lawn, on the porch, in the car, on the beach .... you get the picture. Between having to compete with that and not knowing if I'll be able to perform AT ALL, I have become incredibly shy about initiating sex. I want my old sex life back and I think she wants hers back too. It is a huge problem in our relationship. She seems to be losing interest in sex with me pretty fast. In the beginning she initiated sex about once a week, but sometimes I couldn't do it. She hasn't initiated in over two months and I think it's because she's getting frustrated over my lack of performance. Ironically, the ED has been getting better lately as I've taken a less serious attitude toward the relationship and I've begun to worry less about if it's going to last. I'm just letting it be what it is. We could now be having sex as much as she wants, but she doesn't want! My wife and I had relationship problems (we fought like animals too) but the sex was great. We'd have long sessions some nights, and sometimes I'd just lift her up on the kitchen counter or bend her over the back of the sofa and have at her. She never had an orgasm with the quickies, but liked them and laughed and giggled and it really turned me on. When we had long sessions she had many orgasms. God, I miss that carefree, fun sex. Now, if we have sex, we have to plan for it like it was the D-day invasion and sometimes I can't get it up. Why does everything have to be so hard? I have a crappy relationship with great sex, or a great relationship with disappointing sex. OK, specific questions here. I've had sex a thousand times but never even thought about how I initiated sex before. So now that I'm thinking about it I don't know what to do and I really don't want to get turned down! I want to let her know I want her and make the idea of having sex RIGHT NOW appealing to her. Ladies, how do you want your man to let you know he wants you?

Eastwood

I agree that porn is a lousy way to learn how to give a BJ. I've never seen anything in a porn moving that can match the long, slow, loving attention that my partner gives me. When she wants me she touches me outside my clothes and looks in my eyes - licks her lips and smiles sometimes. Then she slips her hand under my clothes and touches me, grabs me, holds me, and moans a little when she feels me getting harder. Then she gets me naked (or naked enough) and touches and strokes me while looking at me admiringly. She gives me little kisses up and down the shaft, pulling back to look at and touch the spot she kissed as if her kiss had changed it somehow. When I've about lost my mind from the sensations and the anticipation, she takes me in her mouth. Sometimes she'll deep throat me for a few seconds. That doesn't feel all that exciting physically, but it's a great psychological turn-on to have her want me deep inside her. For sensation I like her working me over with her lips and tongue. She does it slowly at first, but goes faster and faster as she feels me getting more aroused. By the time she's finished with me half an hour has passed and I am exhausted, but WAYYYY satisfied. I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world to have this woman. Sometimes she swallows, sometimes she doesn't. I haven't asked her about that. What do other women think? How and why do you decide to swallow or not?