Orlando

I was on the other end of one of these situations. I got sexually involved with a woman about 5 years older than me - we were basically toys for each other. It lasted about 2 years. She said her husband knew about it and was OK with it, but I was skeptical and kind of avoided being around him. At a christmas party he came up to me and told me how happy he was that his wife and I were having sex a couple times a week. Said he'd never seen her happier. He said he liked me, was glad it was me that his wife was sleeping with, and wanted to be friends with me (which I kinda took as a warm-up to suggesting a three-some). The three of us started having breakfast together. She and I would come from spending the night at my house and meet hubby in a restaurant, talk, and chit-chat like old friends. I was never totally comfortable with it. I'm sitting there thinking, "Damn, 20 minutes ago I was balls deep in your wife and we all know it and now we're talking about the stock market." The sex was "adventurous" and fun but I met someone and fell in love. The sex with my SO was just so much more satisfying, of course then I ended it with the toy.

I am acquainted with a man whose wife divorced him (allegedly) because he wanted sex once or twice a day and she didn't want it that much. I don't remember the details, but there was some talk about him having an addiction. Given one of the definitions of addiction (a behavior that you continue to engage in even if it is harmful to you or your family), I think it could have been called an addiction.

It used to when I was with my wife. I miss it.

I didn't mean to imply that it would give you hemorrhoids. I meant to say if you already have that problem, you don't want anyone messing with your butt. That's why some people won't try anal.

Sorry, you misunderstood my response I've already GOT hemorrhoids. Just a normal daily routine is painful sometimes. So no, no messing with my ass thanks.

We talked. Finally. Found out there are huge differences in the way my SO and I think about sex, and that is the root of the problem I talked about in the beginning of this thread. For me, sex is a central part of a romantic relationship. It's a bonding experience that enhances the relationship and brings the couple together. It is a way of expressing love. For her, sex is more of a service you provide to each other. Expressing love, to her, is done differently. One example she gave me is being in bed naked together and holding each other and NOT having sex (OK, that's about the weirdest way of expressing your love for someone that I've ever heard of - am I nuts?). So all this time I've been expecting her to show some interest making love in a romantic, emotional setting and she hasn't been on the same page at all. She's been expecting me to say, "Turn over I want sex now." I've always heard the direct approach like that turned women off so I didn't take it. Neither one of us was getting our expectations met so neither of us was happy. I'm going to try to work this out. We talked about what good sex would be like for her which, for one example, would be me calling from the office and telling her I'm up for sex, coming home for lunch, doing it, and going back to work. For me it would be candlelight and some music - the usual American romantic ideal. I'm going to miss romantic love making. I may miss it so much that I finally end this relationship and start over. Hate to do it, I've put so much into this so far.

Wow. I think I miscommunicated a bit here. I do think I said she has good orgasms about every time we have sex. I do my best to make sure she gets off almost every time (like 90%). Sex is never a chore for me. I did say I'm aware of the time and what I'm doing - I don't get completely lost in it the way I have in the past - but I do enjoy every minute of pleasuring her, she has a great body and turns me on to no end. But how do I take it when she doesn't want to be pleasured very often and seems uncomfortable with it? It may be all in my head, because she DOES have orgasms - she's told me she's had the most incredible orgasms with me that she's ever had. I got a little bullet vibrator from this web site for her and we used once and she went wild! I thought she was having a seizure! But we used it that once and she has never mentioned it again. We DO seem emotionally detached when having sex. And she DOES refer to it as "having sex" - she'll say, "Do you want sex this morning?" Not, "Let's make love this morning." It's so weird because our relationship otherwise is wonderful. We have fun together, bike, hike, travel together and we have wonderful sensuous evenings that don't lead to sex, we read to each other, and enjoy just talking. I'm sure part of the problem is me. That's mostly why I'm here, to get advice on how I can better understand her (yeah, and doing some venting of my frustrations too). Part of the problem may be that she was born and raised in a different country. She's been here for 35 years, but she may still have different attitudes toward sex. Thanks

This brings up a good question. What is the difference between not-so-good sex and fantastic sex? I'll bet everyone has a different answer. It would be interesting to see what everyone says.

Thank all of you all for taking the time to think about the problem I posted. To answer your questions, she talks about being very sexual in other relationships. (In her last relationship they had sex every day.) With me, she seems interested about twice a month. When we do have sex she has incredible orgasms most times - they seem to go on forever. The thing is, I not only want sex more often, I want HER to want it more often. That may be too much to ask. I know it takes a lot to get her going and I know she worries about that. I wanted to give her oral once and she said, "No, it might take half an hour." As if that was a bad thing! You are probably right, she has hangups that I don't realize. I think she has an attitude that men just need to get off now and then and it's her job as a woman to be there as the facilitator or vessel or something - that sex isn't really for her enjoyment except on certain occasions. I don't like that. As I said, she is happy to get me off, but it isn't very pleasurable to me if I feel like I'm just being serviced. If she isn't interested in it for her own pleasure then I really rather not do it. One the other hand, I very much enjoy going down on her, getting her off, and then falling asleep with my head on her tummy. I don't know, the more I think about this the more confused I get.

I've been with my SO for a year now. Sex has never been really mentally/emotionally comfortable for me, and I suspect it's never been comfortable for her. It almost always seems awkward and contrived. We go through the motions and we are both pretty technically skilled - maybe not porn stars but we've covered most of the "wish list" items on that other thread. But am never really, totally "into" it like I've been with other women. I suspect, from her reactions (or lack of reactions) that she isn't into it either. With the ex I got totally lost when we were making love. I could be on another planet for all I knew. With my current SO I'm aware of every minute. Often, I will initiate sex and she will take control, roll me over, give me a BJ, spit in the sink, and go to sleep. It's like she just wants to get it over with and doesn't want the bother of me kissing her, going down on her, or otherwise giving her attention. She says she likes pleasing me, but it's so totally mechanical it isn't pleasurable at all. I've tried to have discussions with her about it, but she always says things are fine for her. It's to the point where I avoid situations that might lead to sex. I just don't need the hassle and disappointment. In other areas we get along fine and I don't like to be reminded that in THIS area things seem so wrong. I don't know whether to live with it, end the relationship, or if there is something that can be done to make sex fun again.

I'm enjoying this discussion. I'm one of those who goes limp. (At least any more. I don't remember how I responded 10 years ago.) As I've gotten more experience I no longer think there is not a direct connection between physical arousal and sexual excitement. Lots of times, especially when a guy is younger, yeah, they can seem like pretty much the same thing. But as men get older it takes more stimulation to get and keep the physical arousal part even though the attraction and excitement are still there. The state of his penis is really not a good barometer of how emotionally aroused a guy is. So if your guy seems interested and seems to be enjoying sex with you, don't take it personally if his wick goes limp for a while.

I'm loving this thread. Would like to know more about the "speak-love make-love" game before ordering it. We've been together less than a year and the SO and I are still a little shy with each other.

My answer is "no." When I was younger I thought I enjoyed sex without the emotional connection. Once I experienced sex in a good, loving relationship I guess I was spoiled. I had an FWB for a while after my marriage ended, but the sex wasn't all that satisfying and the stress of maintaining it was pretty hard. I was an FWB for a woman for a year and didn't know it. She was secretly engaged to another man and was using me for playtime. I thought we were developing a relationship. It ended badly, but as I look back it's kind of gratifying that she thought sex with me was good enough that she risked her engagement to sleep with me.

Easy to answer for me. Hemorrhoids. Blood and pain - not sexy, not fun. No thanks .

I am so sorry for the lack of response you got to your letter Aiden. It was such a wonderful thing to do!! You were so honest, and mixed your needs and desires with humor is such a way that possibly threatening feelings were just playful and fun loving. It was a work of art and clearly an act of love. You deserve a thoughtful response, or at least the offer to sit down with you and read it together and discuss it. I was so inspired when I read it that I thought I would try to write a similar letter to my SO. My letter was probably not as good as yours, but I got the same sort of response. "I read it. Maybe we can talk about it someday." It's disappointing, to say the least. Good luck. You did great.