My Sex Life Is Not Working

[alexjerez]

My fiance is not a sexual person at all. We have had long conversations about that and in some ocassions we have been on the border of the total separation. When we started, sex life was not as common as I was used to but at least I can say that we had a good average of encounters but now I find myself in a situation that I can't get out of. Her stamina for sex is almost 0!!!!....Honestly, I don't know what to do with all this!..I've tried everything possible and her only excuse is: "I'm sorry, I amnot as driven as you are for sex".....A few weeks ago I expressed my frustration and suddenly, her stamina was up..we did it a couple of times (in a week) and then....next week..NOTHING!!!!!..........Also, to be with her, I had to change my entire sex life..I love sex and I really enjoy giving, getting, positions, etc...With her is only one position, she does not like oral sex at all and does not like to switch positions during the intercourse.....I recommended visiting a doctor but she never has time to go.....I know I'm stupid for been with her and sacrifice my sex emotions but, one last try: anyone knows what can I do to revitalize this dead end road?????

[shedoc]

My fiance is not a sexual person at all. We have had long conversations about that and in some ocassions we have been on the border of the total separation. When we started, sex life was not as common as I was used to but at least I can say that we had a good average of encounters but now I find myself in a situation that I can't get out of. Her stamina for sex is almost 0!!!!....Honestly, I don't know what to do with all this!..I've tried everything possible and her only excuse is: "I'm sorry, I amnot as driven as you are for sex".....A few weeks ago I expressed my frustration and suddenly, her stamina was up..we did it a couple of times (in a week) and then....next week..NOTHING!!!!!..........Also, to be with her, I had to change my entire sex life..I love sex and I really enjoy giving, getting, positions, etc...With her is only one position, she does not like oral sex at all and does not like to switch positions during the intercourse.....I recommended visiting a doctor but she never has time to go.....I know I'm stupid for been with her and sacrifice my sex emotions but, one last try: anyone knows what can I do to revitalize this dead end road?????

I would suggest continuing to be as honest as possible with her. Although confrontation is not usually the best course of action, a realistic assesment of where you are in your relationship and the fact that you are ready to walk out the door if something does not change, might be enough to jolt her into some action.

Marriage is a commitment to be with one person emotionally, spiritually and sexually. Although many people may not like to admit it, sex is a really important part of intimacy. Love is absolutely the foundation for any lasting relationship but if you lack this physical and spiritual intimacy, this necessary connection- love will probably not be enough to sustain your relationship over the long haul. If you try to keep hanging in there, you will probably end up resenting her for forcing you to hide that part of yourself and you cannot be really open with someone if you cannot show them all of you.

It sounds like you have tried to talk to her about it and going to the doctor is certainly an excellent suggestion- there may be a medical basis for her energy issues (i.e., anemia or some hormonal imbalance). Have you thought about going to a couples' counselor with her? Maybe she has some other issues about sex (shame, prior bad experiences etc.) that limit her ability to satisfy your needs.

As one last ditch suggestion, a little bit of romance couldn't hurt either. Find out one of her fantasies and try to make it come true.

[Mikayla1]

How did I miss this post? Let me ask you this, how was the sex before you got engaged? Was it hot then, or has it always been like this? I think that Shedoc is right, you have to be upfront and honest about this - sex is a very, very important part of a healthy marriage, especially if one partner has a very high sex drive and the other a very low sex drive. There are many things that can be negotiated in marriage - a lack of desire for oral sex can be compromised with a willingness to do many other things - however, she seems like she has no willingness to do any kind of sex. If she is not willing to have oral sex, regular sex, change positions during sex - there is a problem she and you need to address.

Marriage is such a strain on a relationship - sex is supposed to be one of the fun and easy parts. Money issues, children careers - all these things put such a strain on a relationship. If you put sex problems in the mix, you are just asking for problems. I suggest you settle this now. Try couples counseling. If she is unwilling to make time to go, then she will be unwilling to make time for you later in the relationship as well. It is a precursor of what is to come. she needs to know upfront what you expect from this relationship - in all aspects.

Maybe she just needs to know how fun sex can be. How relaxing, stress relieving. Try to open her eyes to new possibilities. Perhaps then she will be more willing to take the journey with you.

Good luck!

Mikayla

[teastlake]

My fiance is not a sexual person at all. We have had long conversations about that and in some ocassions we have been on the border of the total separation. When we started, sex life was not as common as I was used to but at least I can say that we had a good average of encounters but now I find myself in a situation that I can't get out of. Her stamina for sex is almost 0!!!!....Honestly, I don't know what to do with all this!..I've tried everything possible and her only excuse is: "I'm sorry, I amnot as driven as you are for sex".....A few weeks ago I expressed my frustration and suddenly, her stamina was up..we did it a couple of times (in a week) and then....next week..NOTHING!!!!!..........Also, to be with her, I had to change my entire sex life..I love sex and I really enjoy giving, getting, positions, etc...With her is only one position, she does not like oral sex at all and does not like to switch positions during the intercourse.....I recommended visiting a doctor but she never has time to go.....I know I'm stupid for been with her and sacrifice my sex emotions but, one last try: anyone knows what can I do to revitalize this dead end road?????

I think I can relate a little. I am engaged and have no sex drive. My finace and I are honest with each other and most of it relates to fear. My family raised me that sex before marriage is wrong and I have had a hard time overcoming that. Plus there is the fear of being a pregnant bride and everyone thinking we had to get married not that we want to. We want time together before we get married so I am always afraid of becoming pregnant. I am on birth control which can lower you sex drive. Try slowing things down. This helped with us. Go back to acting like you first started dating and just making out. This made me more comfortable with him and then I started to relax and become more open to other things.

[Something New]

My fiance is not a sexual person at all. We have had long conversations about that and in some ocassions we have been on the border of the total separation. When we started, sex life was not as common as I was used to but at least I can say that we had a good average of encounters but now I find myself in a situation that I can't get out of. Her stamina for sex is almost 0!!!!....Honestly, I don't know what to do with all this!..I've tried everything possible and her only excuse is: "I'm sorry, I amnot as driven as you are for sex".....A few weeks ago I expressed my frustration and suddenly, her stamina was up..we did it a couple of times (in a week) and then....next week..NOTHING!!!!!..........Also, to be with her, I had to change my entire sex life..I love sex and I really enjoy giving, getting, positions, etc...With her is only one position, she does not like oral sex at all and does not like to switch positions during the intercourse.....I recommended visiting a doctor but she never has time to go.....I know I'm stupid for been with her and sacrifice my sex emotions but, one last try: anyone knows what can I do to revitalize this dead end road?????

I can definately relate, my husband is NOT a sexual person either. He says that I am like the man in a relationship, because I am constantly hounding him for sex. The sad part is it isn't that great, so I really don't know why I even beg for it. I guess I think that SOMETHING is better than nothing...but sometimes I am not so sure. I am so frusterated because I don't know what to do, since he is constantly rejecting me. But when he is in the mood, he basically just jumps on top of me, bangs away until he cums then its all over, before I can even get into it. Once its over its OVER, no coming back to see if I am satisfied. When I bring up the issue he gets upset and says thats why he doesn't want to do it, because he cant please me, but he doesn't even try. When I want to tell him in conversation he gets defensive and says I just want everything perfect all the time, but really I just want foreplay, at least a little damn...Sorry got off on a tangent, but really my sex drive is high, and I really don't understand how I got married to someone so opposite (that is a whole different story) By the way, I just had a baby 8months ago, and my sex drive is probably higher now than it was before I got pregnant.,,,yet another story...Any advice out there for me???

[pookurs80]

My fiance is not a sexual person at all. We have had long conversations about that and in some ocassions we have been on the border of the total separation. When we started, sex life was not as common as I was used to but at least I can say that we had a good average of encounters but now I find myself in a situation that I can't get out of. Her stamina for sex is almost 0!!!!....Honestly, I don't know what to do with all this!..I've tried everything possible and her only excuse is: "I'm sorry, I amnot as driven as you are for sex".....A few weeks ago I expressed my frustration and suddenly, her stamina was up..we did it a couple of times (in a week) and then....next week..NOTHING!!!!!..........Also, to be with her, I had to change my entire sex life..I love sex and I really enjoy giving, getting, positions, etc...With her is only one position, she does not like oral sex at all and does not like to switch positions during the intercourse.....I recommended visiting a doctor but she never has time to go.....I know I'm stupid for been with her and sacrifice my sex emotions but, one last try: anyone knows what can I do to revitalize this dead end road?????

I share in a very similar problem. My BF and I have been together for 2.5 years, and in that time his lust for sex has gone down hill. My problem is that he acts as thow having sex is a chore, and when we are "together" it feels as though he is just rushing through the motions just to get it over with. There is no foreplay, and no touching or kissing during sex. Of course I blamed myself. I tried making myself more beautiful, and making his fantasies come true, that didn't work on him, but I know as a women if my man were to go the extra mile to make my fantasies come true, that would be an instant turn on.