Need Help - Sex Life Sucks

[crys]

hi this is my first time on this type of board. my question is how do i get my boyfriend to touch me like he used to? weve been dating for 3 years and the last year has been going down hill. i have a 5 year old from a previous marrage and together we have a 1 yr old. lately, its like pulling teeth for him to kiss me - i mean besides the peck i get everyday. i ask him why he doesnt touch me and he just looks at me. ive lost most of the baby weight so its not like he cant find his way. he works nights and i stay home with the kids. he says he tries to wake me up but i just roll over. sorry at 3 am i guess he needs to try harder. i tell him that but it does no good. theres no foreplay and ive resulted to using a vibrator to get off. nothing against it but everytime i use it, it makes me want him more. i miss the butterflies in my stomach from his kisses, and i miss getting off. i cant remember the last time i got off during sex. i get close, but then he or i moves and i lose it. ive been moody due to other personal reasons and having to deal with alot in the last year or so. i dont know what has changed and i cant get him to talk to me about it. he mentioned that he wanted to watch porn for something different. ive left him messages about getting toys and comming home and it doesnt happen. hell get off work and go to the bar and then come home at 3 am. i bring up the bar thing to let him know that it bothers me but i just makes him upset. (he doesnt say it but i can tell) i dont know why he cant come home to us. he says he loves me and i know he would cheat, but how do i get my questions answered? and the oral thing doesnt happen - i give and dont recieve so ive told him that until i get mine, he doesnt get his. weve had a great sex life. he is the first person to give me such intense orgasms and is the only person who has gotten me off oraly. we've have more sex when we didnt live together than when we started living together (its been a year that weve lived together) i want the past back and i dont know how to get it. i miss him and i tell him that all the time. what do i do?

[Mikayla1]

Ok, first WELCOME!

You have a lot of things going on here. You have a 1 year old child - which is super stressful for you, and for your boyfriend. There are many men out there (sorry guys) who have a lot of trouble seeing their women as "sexual" beings after a baby comes. It is not always a weight issue - it is more of a "nurturing - mommy mode" issue! Your child is only 1 - you are soooo into mommy mode that it has got to be hard for him to visualize the sexual creature he had before the baby came. That may be one of the biggest issues - it can also be part of the oral sex problem. Some men (sorry again guys) have issues going down on a woman after they see a baby come out down there. They can't get it out of there minds....how old are you and how old is your bf?

Next, the night shift your bf is on probably doesn't help much. It isn't easy to not see your lover, or be tired when you do see them. Things are not very convienient for you in the timeline department right now. Does he have weekends off? You need to make time for FOREPLAY and for sex.

Also, I think you need to make an effort to wait up for him. Tell him that you are going to wait up for him. Take a nap with your child, got to sleep with him or her and set the alarm to wake you up in enough time to get ready. Fix your hair, make-up, put on lingerie---make yourself feel good about YOU...and then meet him at the door. Don't take no for an answer, start heating up the relationship again. With a 1 year old it might be a little hard to do it all the time, but at least once a week will help to get you started again. Then he may stop his detours at the bar.

As far as oral goes - I am with you 100% on the none for me, none for your rule! I think men shouldn't get blowjobs if they are not willing to give us oral! I am not saying that they always HAVE to give us oral, but they can't sit back and expect us to suck their cocks and not give it up to us! You have got to be firm on that one.

The last thing is communication. You have to talk to him in a nice, calm respectful manner. If he isn't listening, or doesn't seem to care about your needs - then unfortunately that is a sign that he doesn't much care about you. Men do care about us, and they are willing to listen, but if he continually doesn't want to listen and nothing changes, you may have to consider ending the relationship, but lets try other things first.

Good luck, keep us posted!

Mikayla

[teeroze2004]

Ok, first WELCOME!

You have a lot of things going on here. You have a 1 year old child - which is super stressful for you, and for your boyfriend. There are many men out there (sorry guys) who have a lot of trouble seeing their women as "sexual" beings after a baby comes. It is not always a weight issue - it is more of a "nurturing - mommy mode" issue! Your child is only 1 - you are soooo into mommy mode that it has got to be hard for him to visualize the sexual creature he had before the baby came. That may be one of the biggest issues - it can also be part of the oral sex problem. Some men (sorry again guys) have issues going down on a woman after they see a baby come out down there. They can't get it out of there minds....how old are you and how old is your bf?

Next, the night shift your bf is on probably doesn't help much. It isn't easy to not see your lover, or be tired when you do see them. Things are not very convienient for you in the timeline department right now. Does he have weekends off? You need to make time for FOREPLAY and for sex.

Also, I think you need to make an effort to wait up for him. Tell him that you are going to wait up for him. Take a nap with your child, got to sleep with him or her and set the alarm to wake you up in enough time to get ready. Fix your hair, make-up, put on lingerie---make yourself feel good about YOU...and then meet him at the door. Don't take no for an answer, start heating up the relationship again. With a 1 year old it might be a little hard to do it all the time, but at least once a week will help to get you started again. Then he may stop his detours at the bar.

As far as oral goes - I am with you 100% on the none for me, none for your rule! I think men shouldn't get blowjobs if they are not willing to give us oral! I am not saying that they always HAVE to give us oral, but they can't sit back and expect us to suck their cocks and not give it up to us! You have got to be firm on that one.

The last thing is communication. You have to talk to him in a nice, calm respectful manner. If he isn't listening, or doesn't seem to care about your needs - then unfortunately that is a sign that he doesn't much care about you. Men do care about us, and they are willing to listen, but if he continually doesn't want to listen and nothing changes, you may have to consider ending the relationship, but lets try other things first.

Good luck, keep us posted!

Mikayla

Hi! I too am new to the boards and will not even try to pretend to know any answers to anything. I agree with alot that Mikayla wrote. My hubby and I had similar problems when our first child was born. He finally confessed (after a lot of shouting that I DO NOT recommend) that he felt like I had pushed him aside when our daughter was born and he felt neglected, jealous and undesired each time I told him "not tonight honey, I'm exhausted from taking care of the baby all day". After hearing that or variations of that phrase over the course of several months, he finally stopped trying and started to become bitter. I finally gave my baby over to a relative for 3 days and devoted my time 24 hours a day into showing him how much he means to me things got noticably better and we've been together now for 13 years! I wish you luck!

teeroze2004