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Problems In The Bedroom

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My finace and I have been together for a while. In the beginning, our sex life was great. We had lots of foreplay I love it. I have since switched jobs and we are on different schedule. Sex became very different. I now get nothing from it and he is asleep before I can complain. So much so I rather not waste my time b/c there is no big O on my part. When we talked he is having problems. If we prolong foreplay there is no real intercourse. He is cumming to soon. I suggested that he try prolonging his orgasam when he masterbates.(which he claims he doesn't do) I don't know if he is afraid to open up with me. I tried blowjob in the hope that with extra pressure (on the base of the penis with my hand) I could prolong things only he can't control himself and cums very quickly. I am one of those women who don't like cum in my mouth so then I get a little out of the mood. Then he is too tired to return the oral sex favor and I get left out. I am very confused and upset. I want to help but he gets defensive when I try to talk to him. I wondered if it was the schedule change and stress (buying house and getting married) but he won't talk. Then the problem is I don't want to have just sex all the time. I want more to it. I love him how do I make this work?

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I am by no means an expert on this subject and I am sure others will have a lot to say. I have had a number of boyfriends and even more importantly, have a number of close male friends that I can speak honestly with about sex. So here are a few things I have been told.

First of all, stress and exhaustion can plays all kinds of havoc with our love lives. However, there seems to be more going on here than just that.

One thought I had was that many men find it insulting if a woman does not want to swallow during oral sex. It can be seen as a rejection. This is not some guy you picked up in a bar-- it is your fiance and if it helps get him off to swallow- I would suggest you get over your mental block on this point. Don't get me wrong- it is not my favorite thing to do either but if it makes him feel good, you should do it and you will probably find that your attempts will be greatly appreciated and probably, reciprocated.

It might also be physiological. You did not mention how old your fiance is. I am assuming he is youngish (i.e., under 40). There are all kinds of reasons for premature ejaculation. I would look into dietary habits- Vitamin B-12 levels. Also testosterone levels can impact sexual function. It is nothing to be amashed about and not enough men consider these possibilities and instead internalize failure.

Good luck.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I have to disagree with the last poster, respectfully, of course.

At least when it comes to the swallowing part. He needs to respect that you don't like that, and don't want to do it. In a loving relationship, there must be some give and take, but not at the cost of respect of one or both parties.

Not saying that trying new things isn't fun, it is, but it sounds like you tried it, and just don't like it.

Try something new once a week. Maybe go to a strip club with him, get a lap dance. Or switch over the "usual theme" of your lingerie. For example, if you like feminine and lacy, try leather and racey!

Get a set of toys, one for you and one for him to use. Maybe a new video.

My husband and I are in a rut too, and he use to not even want to entertain the thought of using toys, thought they were a "replacement", but he's found that he really likes them!!

I hope that these suggestions help!!

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I have to put something in about the comment of using emotions to suggest sexual behavior.

I have been around the block and maybe with maturity I have found that requiring acts for validation of true love are controlling and childish!

Some women don't at all, some every sex encounter, some only when carried away with the moment,

some will take it into their mouth and spit it out. Guess what! I have been lucky to have been given all and any of this type of attention.

Why? Because I will allow the woman to decide how far...I will be accepting of the way. Like any sexual encounter I have had I pass on compliments whether we have earth-shaking sex or less. We all need to

reinforce the "giving" of whatever gifts we recieve. Offering suggestions for more pleasure are usually a neccesary help in sexual encounters.

Requiring certain acts is something we want...should we selfishly demand it as proof! Is our partner free to please on natural urges and desires? Ask yourself. Did you ever get forced to perform, said no and wasn't heard, felt used later? Would you allow yourself to continue the relationship? I don't now...when I was young the will to please often left me vunerable to accepting demands. I learned serviant love, I allowed for my self-esteem to be degraded by the lengths and acts surrendered. How many tricks to please my Master?

Give what you feel, no proving anything through pressure! Tomorrow will tell you if the new experience was pleasurable and erotic through the way you fell towards that partner...

If something doesn't allow the same excitement to sex for the next encounter then your answer is evident! Speak up or your relationship will be less than free and open.

Try some variation; surprise a lover with some new erotism, take the focus off the technique they demand. I've found that the rush in exciting them in a new unpredictable way balances the sex act back to reciprocation without running a prepared script

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All right, a couple things.

First off, obviously stress and the schedule change can affect intimacy, but that doesn't mean you guys never have sex again just because talking about it is making him defensive and uncomfortable. You're both adults - sit down and have a very real discussion about what's going on. TELL HIM that you don't want to have sex at all because it's become completely unsatisfying to you. Yes, that may be harsh, but it's the truth, and it needs to be discussed.

As for his new lack of stamina - tell the boy to buy some Penthouse and get cranking. I imagine the reason he's cumming so quickly these days is because you're not as sexually active as you used to be. And if he's not masturbating, he'll be far quicker to release when he does get some actual stimulation. And on the subject of the blow job - I'm not going to tell you that you have to swallow. I will tell you, though, that if you know you don't like the taste of cum and it turns you off, then maybe you want to try a different approach. After all, if you're the one going down on him, you can hardly get mad at him if it's too much and he ejaculates.

Oh, and for the record, the very real discussion should be during the day in a neutral setting, not in bed right after you're irritated and unsatisfied.

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