Need Some Advice, Sex Life Is Boring

[ladylove]

Thank you everyone for your advice. With regards to the sex toys, we do use them together. In fact, everytime we have sex for that matter. With regards to asking to try new things, I think I need to work on my deliver and you have given me some good ideas. I really like the dream one. I have sort of used that before and I think I will perfect it and try it again. I would have to agree that Patience has never been one of my strong points. I always have tried to go for the wildest and kinkiest thing right off the get go. One thing I struggle with is that my fantasies are so far out there that its hard to eaze her into it. I know deep down that if we were able to "share" these together that it would put a lot of intmacy back into our relationship and bring us closer together. I should have read this website 8 years ago when we got together, because by now we would the masters of it.

I feel like my sexlife has to start completely over from scratch and I am struggleing with where to start.

Better late than never.... How about if you introduce 1 new small thing each month. Good luck W. I'm sure in a couple of years you'll be giving us advice.

[Tyger]

Ok, first of all, what a great site. Finally an educational site that can actually help people with relationships and sexual issues.

Second, my wife and I are 29. We have been together for 8 years and been married 4. We don't have any kids but we will probably within the next 12 months, god willing. Our sex life is incredibly stale. We have sex 4-5 times per month and if you were to watch it on film, it would be like watching reruns. It's the same exact thing time and time again. When it comes to trying things new, my wife is resistant and not interested. She always says something like "let's just get the normal stuff down first". Since we both end up with end results we want, I would say that we have that part down pretty good.

My wife has no kinks, fetishes, fatnasies, etc..., at least that shes willing to share. Its almost as if in her mind she has what is considered sexually morally correct and acceptable and what is not. She won't do anything or admit to anything that she would be embarassed to tell her friends about. Not that she would, but it seems as if she wanted to, she could get their seal of approval. With me, I am completely the opposite. I think the most erotic aspect of fetishes and kinks, is that you get to share them only with your lover. I get thoroughly arroused by the thought of doing things in the bedroom that I would be ashamed about if other people knew. It's a "secret" that only we share. When it comes to me, with the exception of being with another man, I will do/try/attempt/participate in anything.

I belive that my wifes closed mindednest comes from some of the good qualities that she has. They are good qualities almost to a detriment. For example, my wife can not lie. She's the female version of Jim Carey in "Liar, Liar" If some asked her, "have you ever made your husband wear your panties out in public", she would have to say yes, and this would generate humiliation for her, so therefore she won't do it. I think a lot of her lack of willingness to try new things also stems from her upbringing. She was raised in a very conservative Catholic family. Attended catholic schools all the way till high school. Her family never showed each other emotion, never told each other that they loved them, never ever ever talked about sex. In fact, my mother-in-law tried to sit down with my wife when she was 23 to have "the talk". Sorry mom, but a little late.

My wife isn't a total prude though. She has more toys and dildo's than a normal woman should have, although she doesn't use them nearly enough. we have done some things that have bordered on the line of kinky but not in a long long time. She'll watch porn anytime I suggest it.

My question to the group is how do I get her to open her mind a bit or create an environment in our relationship where we would feel more comfortable to get outside her comfort zone to try new things? Things I would love to try would be light to medium bondage and submission (yes , I allready read the article, that's how I found this site), have my wife tell me to wear her panties out to dinner, video taping and pictures, etc. I am not asker her to screw the dog here.

A females perspective would be greatly appreciated as I have found that many women have been through similar experiences in the past.

Thanks for all your imput and advice in advance.

Welcome to the site, and I hope you've been having a lot of fun perusing it, and trying to get some ideas.

As far as this post goes, well you got a lot going on here.

Your wife is honest according to your post, and wouldn't do things that she would be "ashamed" of in the bedroom, that she wouldn't feel comfortable enough with to admit to her friends. This is a double-edged sword. It's great that she talks to her friends about sex (women do that). However, you can't life life for the approval of everyone else around you. Nobody'd be willing to have a good time if everyone lived that way. And how does anyone learn that they like something, whether in the bedroom, or life in general, if they don't try it out at least once?

And, yes, her self-esteem comes into play greatly here. If she's comfortable with herself, then she probably would be more willing to be a bit more adventurous. Talking about desires, fantasies, and so on, requires not only self-esteem, but TIMING, which someone already mentioned. Talking about this stuff while making love can be bad timing, but it depends on the situation. HOW you bring it up is especially important!

For example, if she wears a gorgeous, sexy piece of lingerie that she loves, make a BIG deal about it. Tell her what part of her that you really LOVE in it. Like "Oh honey, I just LOVE how that cami accentuates your breasts". This is a huge ego boost for anyone. Plus, appreciate the fact that she wears it for you! If you'd like to see her in another color, say so "I'd LOVE to see those breasts covered in black", or even "your ass looks soooo good in that! I'd love to see it being carressed by some leather/vinyl".

With porn, she may like to watch it, but feels uncomfortable about being the one to suggest it, because her upbringing has made her feel that porn is bad or for perverts. Or maybe it's the kind of porn that she is seeing that she doesn't like. I would get some different types of porn. One of my faves, is directed by a woman, called Island Fever 4. This is wonderful, no plot, or cheezy sets. It's gorgeous island location has beautiful scenery and wonderful sex scenes that are sensual.

Ultimately, it's up to HER to WANT to change. One thing she has to learn, is that she should be comfortable in the bedroom, AND willing to try new things. Now, being "kinky", that also have different definitions. Have you asked her what she'd be willing to try and do, and what she WON'T do? Does she think that being kinky involves illegal activities? Or morally reprehensible ones?

BTW, NOBODY can ever have so many sex toys that should be considered "normal"! LMAO She may HAVE the sex toys, but just having them doesn't make you willing to try. USING them is! She may not use the toys she has often because they just don't work for her. I've had several toys that I thought looked really fun, only to fail in the trial time, but then, when I used them a few more times....OMG!! Practice makes perfect! She also may feel that "Catholic Guilt" for enjoying sex and sex toys! Many religions stress that sex is for procreation, and if you enjoy sex, and are female, then you are sinning, and going to hell for it. My response to that sort of thinking is, that if your God wanted you to NOT enjoy sex, then he never would've created you with a clitoris, feelings, free-thoughts, and free-will. You would've been made into a bug or jellyfish, something that doesn't seem to get any pleasure from having sex. Heck, dolphins and pigs have orgasms! Some monkeys have casual sex with members of their troop to gain closeness. What better way of feeling bonded to someone than to have intimacy with them? Hey, if the monkeys can figure that out, then........

Changes won't happen overnight. There has to be communication between the 2 of you. Let her know that you're not going to go around announcing to people what you do in the bedroom, and that it's nobody's business but your own, what you do in the bedroom! Enjoying sex isn't a sin, it's not an evil thing, and it's a loving experience between 2 lovers. Wanting to please your lover is important, and wanting to learn to please them as well as teach them how to please YOU is also essential in growing sexually.

Changes such as these will take time, and patience, as well as be a gradual thing. Don't go from romance and sweetness to wanting to tie her up and crack a whip over her head. That's gonna scare anyone! LOL It's gotta be a gradual thing. Say, if you want to try some bondage, which can be scary unto itself, there has to be a few things happening. She needs to feel that you won't pressure her, or guilt her into submitting. She needs to feel that she can trust you implicetly. She also needs to know, as do you, that the one being tied up (the SUB), is actually the one in total control. If the SUB says STOP, then the activity the SUB isn't liking STOPS immediately. Don't push your luck. As far as tying her up, try it with a cute pair of fuzzy handcuffs that have a security latch on them, so if she wants to get out of them, she can. Or the velcro bands. Pink or fuzzy, they are more user friendly (who can associate danger with pink or fuzzy! LOL).

Be patient, LISTEN to her desires as well. You may be surprised by what she wants to try too!

Best wishes.

[pappyld04]

Thank you everyone for your advice. With regards to the sex toys, we do use them together. In fact, everytime we have sex for that matter. With regards to asking to try new things, I think I need to work on my deliver and you have given me some good ideas. I really like the dream one. I have sort of used that before and I think I will perfect it and try it again. I would have to agree that Patience has never been one of my strong points. I always have tried to go for the wildest and kinkiest thing right off the get go. One thing I struggle with is that my fantasies are so far out there that its hard to eaze her into it. I know deep down that if we were able to "share" these together that it would put a lot of intmacy back into our relationship and bring us closer together. I should have read this website 8 years ago when we got together, because by now we would the masters of it.

I feel like my sexlife has to start completely over from scratch and I am struggleing with where to start.

If you feel that you are starting anew then you need to find those same feelings that you had for her when you met. Bringing back the romance is more difficult than mainaining it. Romance her like you did before marriage. It "won her heart" before.

I have to believe that if we ever mastered our sex lives we would grow lazy and bored with it!