Hubby Hiding Porn

[hellokitty711]

My hubby has always been a little shy. He has also acted like a prude. He made me feel as though I were cheating on him, or somehow hurting him if I were to masturbate. So a year or so ago, I got really brave and bought fun factory smartballs. When he found them, he went ballistic!! I guess I should have told him but I just didn't have the guts. However, he has opened up a lot since then. He admitted to me that he masturbates in the shower, we have tried anal, and I have expressed interest in watching porn with him. (suggestions on one would be great). He also wants to watch me masturbate. I also would like to get a few more toys. But then again I don't want to offend him

My first venture into porn, to show him i wasn't afraid(before i told him I was interested) was to buy Zombie Strippers. After the movie I went to shower, coming out he was scrambling for the remote to turn off the DVD player. This type of situation has happened a couple of times. Then on friday, while I was at work my daughter called and told me dad was looking at naked ladies on the computer. I was pissed that he used our computer and let our daughter see it(not much luckily). I am also hurt. I don't know how to confront him because I searched the computer and know exactly where he went. I only want him to be more open. He was watching some girl masturbate with a toy. Not a biggy. except I have a bullet(freebe from too timid) and he always is making snide comments about "MY EGG". like it is a replacement for him.

I've been thinking about getting him Pirates, and writing him a letter to tell him how I feel. That way he has a chance to think things through. I don't know. Maybe get a few toys while i'm at it.

Thanks a bunch guys ; )

[MarieMarie]

Sounds as if you're communicating in fits and starts, and neither of you is really getting across what you want to say. I wonder whether it would help if you two could have a weekend without the kids to unwind with the intention of really hashing things out and having a little fun. Maybe it's hard to have a real heart-to-heart with the kids around? I don't have any, so I don't know.

My ex and I were never able to talk about this stuff until it was too late, and that didn't help us any. You need to get those lines of communication open or else the hurt feelings are going to keep stacking up on both sides. If it's difficult for you to talk about these issues together, maybe your idea of a letter would be a good way for you to get all of your feelings out while allowing him to think things over and give a thoughtful response. If you try this, you need to stress that this is something that you both need to work on so that he doesn't feel like you're accusing him of something.

Then again, I have all of my sex by myself these days, so what the hell do I know, eh?

[vanilla_bean]

Sounds as if you're communicating in fits and starts, and neither of you is really getting across what you want to say. I wonder whether it would help if you two could have a weekend without the kids to unwind with the intention of really hashing things out and having a little fun. Maybe it's hard to have a real heart-to-heart with the kids around? I don't have any, so I don't know.

My ex and I were never able to talk about this stuff until it was too late, and that didn't help us any. You need to get those lines of communication open or else the hurt feelings are going to keep stacking up on both sides. If it's difficult for you to talk about together, maybe your idea of a letter would be a good way for you to get all of your feelings out while allowing him to think things over and give a thoughtful response. If you try this, you need to stress that this is something that you both need to work on so that he doesn't feel like you're accusing him of something.

Then again, I have all of my sex by myself these days, so what the hell do I know, eh?

I agree with MarieMarie. The are some real mixed messages here.

[Tyger]

Ok, you WANT him to watch porn with you, and to watch you masturbate, and to use toys with you, which is GREAT, BTW, but, if he does this stuff on his own, it's BAD? I can see why some people, including your husband, are confused. If you open up the door to watching porn, and having that OK, you can't be surprised that he wants to view it, even if it may be alone as well as with you. Men are visual, and LOVE to watch others having sex. It's not a replacement for you (hopefully), so what's the big deal? So long as the viewing doesn't involve illegal activities, then what's the issue? Why does it make you feel bad, or sad, if it's ok for you to do it?

Now, his behavior unto itself, is suspicious. I mean, he acts as though he feels guilty for doing it. If he thinks it's BAD for YOU to do all these things, yet, you've opened the door, making it known it's ok for him to do this, then he may still mentally have issues with it, and think that you're replacing him. Which, is, usually absurd, however, some people do do that when they are lonely. Let him know that you viewing porn & using toys is meant as an enhancement for your love life, not a replacement.

I don't know how many times I've had to stress this with my husband. Not so much now, cuz he's getting into using the toys (and just recently told me I just "lost" another dildo to his anal sex fun), and sees them more & more as "fun", and enhancements.

You first should set some ground rules. Such as NOT viewing porn with the chance that the child in the house can't walk in on you and see what he's viewing. Let him know that there has to be some limits to this. Maybe rearrange where the computer is, so that the back of the monitor faces where you walks into the room? Wait until the child is asleep, or at school/at a friend's house.

Let him know that, you know men masturbate, and sometimes can it can be frequently. If he feels the need to do so, you are OK with that (and you should be), and that if he wants a "helping hand", you are very willing to help out, or even just watch. Let him know it's OK, reassure him, so he doesn't feel so bad.

One question I have though, if you catch him doing this, and he is startled, do you think he's trying to cover up because you startled him, and that he was trying to hide it, in case it was your child coming in the room, or was he feeling guilty? If you're not sure, ask him. Just some food for thought.

[MarieMarie]

It occurs to me that if he was making HelloKitty feel guilty for masturbating, it seems likely that he's dealing with some guilt issues of his own when he gets caught looking at porn.

[ohshelly]

I agree with everythig that is being said here, but the most important point is that you need to BOTH open up and talk.

Honest, open communication is the only way to solve this.

Send the kids off to Grandmas for a day or two and have a good, long talk.

[hellokitty711]

I have to admit, I was naive in the past, mostly because he told me time and again that he NEVER touched himself. I always thought that was a stretch, but I had nothing else to base it on. I got married kinda young, just out of my teens, came from a family that even now my mom thinks sex toys are an abomination, and a bible thumping father.

Admitting to masturbating came just recently. I told him that I already knew he was. He was surprised. I knew because of this site, and I work in a shop with only men, really open mouthed, loud guys. I told him I was glad that he told me, and that it was great. I was willing to help anytime.

The only reason I am upset is because he is HIDING it. He recorded a soft porn off of a movie channel once and I saw it on the DVR list. I protected it just to see what he would say. He told me he accidentally recorded it, he meant to record a kids show. I don't really know how to get him to open up about it. I am interested in getting more toys, for him and me, but his reactions really aren't all that great. I have reassured him that no toy could ever replace him. But so far it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I could broach the subject after having a few, and we could shop for some???

I also know that we could use some more communication. This is apparent even to me. It is just he gets so hot under the collar about sex. I guess that my hope is that he will be able to say one morning, "babe, I watch a porno last night.." and I'll be able to say "Was it any good"

P.S. Tyger, I know he is turning it off and hiding it from me, and not the kids, because we had just finished watching it and the kiddies were sound asleep.

One more question, are the DVDs of the month worth signing up for? I have entertained the idea for quite a while, but I haven't really watched much porn, and have no idea what to look for.

[pappyld04]

Welcome to the forum miss kitty!

I'm just taking a stab in the dark here but your SO seems very introverted and shy about sex, and maybe even some religious guilt that makes him act this way. Your hubby's probably thinking the same way you are and neither of you are broaching the subject for whatever reason. If you get a chance with no kids these things need to be brought out with no accusations from either of you.

One of our former members had a great idea about getting completely away from the house/bedroom and maybe taking a far corner table at a restaurant or something where you can talk without too much interruption from other people but it really forces the couple to remain calm, and think rather than start an argument or berate the partner. If it is just not possible to get away from the kids or house or whatever you could try emailing him your letters, and warn him about the kids catching him for sure. Ask him to share some of his finds with you if you hae enough privacy to watch with him or even ask him to watch with you. If you think you/he needs some liquid courage to loosen up then by all means do so responsibly.

A relaxed evening of mutual masturbation is a great thing whether you both play with yourselves or spend time to slowly work on each other with the lights on, with toys, while telling each other a fantasy of yours, alternately reading something like a Penthouse Letters aloud to each other, even stopping at points that you or he may find intriguing and talk about it a bit. If you have a whole day or two then dress sexy and be sure to flirt and tease him to make him think of you all day long. I know a lot of guys would say anything once you get them to bed to get what they want but it's also one way to open up a shy partner for some controlled suggestions of toys or a new position.

I cannot find the link to the free game download that I posted a few weeks ago but I will find and post later. It's a game for couples and you can decide if it suits you. One of the portable DVD players for cars might be a great addition to your bedroom also. I posted the links for a full download of a softcore called the Secretary a while back also. IDK if the links are still good but if either of you like Dom/sub type movies this is one of the best softcore available! It should be posted in the Movie Review area if you want it.

[pappyld04]

http://forums.tootimid.com/index.php?showtopic=8615 - The game is called "Romantic Dares". A short description and the link is in this post. If you have trouble just yell. I have the app and I'm sure I could zip and send or something!

[hellokitty711]

Thank you all for your incite, I will try something and then will let you know. The only benefit is that after he gets mad, he really opens up later sometimes days later. It has really added spice. I think I just need to lay it on him.

Thank you all again

P.S. pappyld04 The game looks fun. thanks for finding it.