Sex Sex And More Sex

[Sunday]

Q. What would it be like to be having sex with someone you didn't really want to have sex with?

A. I have never chosen to have sex with someone I didn't want to have sex with, however I can only believe it's empty, no more exciting that rubbing up against a wall or door.

Have I had sex with my husband when I may not have completely wanted to, sure when the kids were little and I was exhausted, but in Loving marriage/relationships you sometimes do things to please the other partner, but be sure it is never forced or coerced, it's by choice. Frankly, I was usually got on board.

That's how sex feels for me. When I bring it up she does it in order to please me, but she doesn't really desire it herself. Because of some things she says, I think in her past it was pretty much the same. She chose to assent to sex every day for whatever her reasons were, but she didn't really care to be doing it. Problem is, I love her. I WANT her to want to be intimate with me. I want to share that with her and it kills me that she doesn't seem to have it in her. It just isn't there. I'm kind of torn between just focusing on the good, non-sexual parts our relationship and settling for a life of infrequent, unfulfiling sex or throwing it all overboard and living alone until/if someone else comes along. I'm really not sure which I would prefer.

[Sunday]

Here are some questions for you. How and why did the relationship end? You don't need to answer if you don't want to but it may be something for you find out. I also think you need to find out if she is using the correct descriptive words for her sex life in her previous relationship. I think thats of the utmost importance. If she is than she could benefit form some counseling big time if she hasn't already had any, or may be she needs more. If the descriptives are an exaggeration, than it is my opinion she is making excuses and you really need to examine that, because if/when you get married it will only get worse. Why does she not want to have sex, be intimate with someone she loves? Makes no sense?????????, unless her description or her last relationship is completely accurate.

She left him. She lived alone and didn't date for 4 years before I came along. I'm not sure what you mean by "correct descriptive terms." All I know is I got an email from her when we first started dating. It was after I had spent the night and we slept together but we didn't have sex. She said something to the effect, "It's nice to know we can be together and not have to have sex."At the time it didn't raise any alarms with me. It was only after a few months of what seemed like disinterest in sex that we had a few martinis and started talking about sex. She asked me how often my ex and i did it and I answered, and of course I returned the question. It was over a year ago but I can still see the scene in my mind - she answered, "every day." and then looked at the floor and said, "I didn't like it."

[ladylove]

name='ladylove' date='Mar 25 2009, 08:57 AM' post='100952']

You have loads of questions.....

Q. why would she continue to have sex everyday?

A. Not sure. My best guess is maybe she was and is afraid to be alone so she did what she thought she had to keep her man so to speak. You really need to ask her this one, she's the only one that will be able to give you an answer as to why. I think the general theme for all your questions, is lack of self image and confidence; or maybe she just doesn't like sex.

I think there may be something to this. I wonder if I really know her. She seemed like a strong, independent woman, with a strong sense of self esteem who really knows herself, but if she was so insecure even in her late 40s that she would fuck a guy every day, even though she didn't like it, just to keep him from leaving her, she isn't the person I think she is. I may be wrong, but that seems like an area that a person wouldn't want violated. I can only look at it from my perspective, but I'd rather have someone cleaning out my bank account every day than have them violate me in such a personal way on a daily basis.

I really think you need to find out who she is until your curiosity has been satisfied.

[ladylove]

name='ladylove' date='Mar 25 2009, 08:57 AM' post='100952']

Q. What would it be like to be having sex with someone you didn't really want to have sex with?

A. I have never chosen to have sex with someone I didn't want to have sex with, however I can only believe it's empty, no more exciting that rubbing up against a wall or door.

Have I had sex with my husband when I may not have completely wanted to, sure when the kids were little and I was exhausted, but in Loving marriage/relationships you sometimes do things to please the other partner, but be sure it is never forced or coerced, it's by choice. Frankly, I was usually got on board.

That's how sex feels for me. When I bring it up she does it in order to please me, but she doesn't really desire it herself. Because of some things she says, I think in her past it was pretty much the same. She chose to assent to sex every day for whatever her reasons were, but she didn't really care to be doing it. Problem is, I love her. I WANT her to want to be intimate with me. I want to share that with her and it kills me that she doesn't seem to have it in her. It just isn't there. I'm kind of torn between just focusing on the good, non-sexual parts our relationship and settling for a life of infrequent, unfulfiling sex or throwing it all overboard and living alone until/if someone else comes along. I'm really not sure which I would prefer.

You love her, you want her, you want to be intimate with her. Does she love you? Are you a means to an end for her? Sorry about the last question but I've seen to many women who will mary men for $$ and security. And just to make thing clear, you don't have to be worth millions of $$ for a women to marry your for security. She doesn't want to be intimate with you which is a natural expression of love, this just doesn't make any sense at all to me. Does she have a fear of intimacy? What, what is the issue?

Sex is never a problem until there is an issue with it. You certainly have a issue with it. Are you going to feel fulfilled and happy if you don't get any sex or many be once a month, or perhaps only a few time a year, or maybe your relationship will become totally sexless after your married; because if she doesn't like it now guarantee you it will become more, and more infrequent once it's legal. If you broke up do you think she would say you forced her to have sex all the time? It's not an impossibility.

You deserve a mutually loving, caring, fulfilling, intimate relationship with a women. If you give up the intimacy part of the relationship are you going to be truly happy. What else are you willing to give up? Will you end up miserable in an unfulfilled marriage? I can't answer those questions only you can. You can have a the whole thing if you choose. Again, A life time can be a very loooooong time no matter how long or short it is, the reverse it true too. You're the only one that can decide which is best for you.

[ladylove]

Here are some questions for you. How and why did the relationship end? You don't need to answer if you don't want to but it may be something for you find out. I also think you need to find out if she is using the correct descriptive words for her sex life in her previous relationship. I think thats of the utmost importance. If she is than she could benefit form some counseling big time if she hasn't already had any, or may be she needs more. If the descriptives are an exaggeration, than it is my opinion she is making excuses and you really need to examine that, because if/when you get married it will only get worse. Why does she not want to have sex, be intimate with someone she loves? Makes no sense?????????, unless her description or her last relationship is completely accurate.

She left him. She lived alone and didn't date for 4 years before I came along. I'm not sure what you mean by "correct descriptive terms." All I know is I got an email from her when we first started dating. It was after I had spent the night and we slept together but we didn't have sex. She said something to the effect, "It's nice to know we can be together and not have to have sex."At the time it didn't raise any alarms with me. It was only after a few months of what seemed like disinterest in sex that we had a few martinis and started talking about sex. She asked me how often my ex and i did it and I answered, and of course I returned the question. It was over a year ago but I can still see the scene in my mind - she answered, "every day." and then looked at the floor and said, "I didn't like it."

I guess what I'm asking you is was she exaggerating the forced/coerced issue. The words you used to describe her last sexual relationship.

Telling you she didn't like it and looking at the floor could mean hundreds of things. I doesn't tell me/you much, by your own admission. Did she say she was in an abusive relationship? Even thought it will be very hard you need to have a heart to heart with her. Don't back off when it/if it becomes emotional. It's been a year, your engaged, you need to get to the bottom of is this before you tie the knot for your own sake.

Was she in an abusive relationship? Is this an excuse? Does she just not like sex? Is she asexual? Could you be doing something else, something more? These are just a few of the probably millions. I strongly urge you to find out for you own happiness. Don't be afraid to ask questions!

When ever you need I'm here.....

[sass]

When I bring it up she does it in order to please me, but she doesn't really desire it herself. Because of some things she says, I think in her past it was pretty much the same. She chose to assent to sex every day for whatever her reasons were, but she didn't really care to be doing it. Problem is, I love her. I WANT her to want to be intimate with me. I want to share that with her and it kills me that she doesn't seem to have it in her. It just isn't there. I'm kind of torn between just focusing on the good, non-sexual parts our relationship and settling for a life of infrequent, unfulfiling sex or throwing it all overboard and living alone until/if someone else comes along. I'm really not sure which I would prefer.

Sunday, I think you really need to think long and hard about this one. There are several people on here that are in marriages just like you are describing and most of them seem very near miserable a lot of the time.

Sex is about more than having an orgasm - it is also about feeling wanted and desired by your SO, feeling spiritually connected, feeling loved. Thinking about the posts and conversations I have had with people in sex-less, or near sex-less, marriages, they always say they love their SO, they just don't feel wanted any more. They feel needed, for security or whatever, but not wanted. Many say they love their spouse but are no longer in love with them. Think about it, think about the differences. Can you go through the rest of your life perhaps feeling loved and needed but not feeling desired or wanted? Maybe you can, but I couldn't. I had given up on having it, and that's when it found me. You should not feel like you are settling for less than what you really want, whatever that is.

[Sunday]

Sex is about more than having an orgasm - it is also about feeling wanted and desired by your SO, feeling spiritually connected, feeling loved. Thinking about the posts and conversations I have had with people in sex-less, or near sex-less, marriages, they always say they love their SO, they just don't feel wanted any more. They feel needed, for security or whatever, but not wanted. Many say they love their spouse but are no longer in love with them. Think about it, think about the differences. Can you go through the rest of your life perhaps feeling loved and needed but not feeling desired or wanted? Maybe you can, but I couldn't. I had given up on having it, and that's when it found me. You should not feel like you are settling for less than what you really want, whatever that is.

First I want to say I'm really grateful for the time and thought you all are putting into helping me understand my SO and my situation better. I feel better just to be talking about it to someone, and getting women's perspectives really helps. As to the question of the accuracy of the description of coercive/forced what I can say is she told me "it was an abusive relationship - and sometimes it was physical." She has also said that when he didn't get his way he whined and pouted about it. She didn't say this specifically about sex, but after I began to think about it, I think maybe that was what happened if she said no to sex. Maybe sometimes he is rape her, I don't know.

MsLayD you are so right. Sex is about feeling wanted and desired by your SO. I don't feel wanted and desired BY her, and the reaction when I express desire FOR her is neutral to negative. There is never an "Oh boy! We're going to get it on!" attitude.

I've done a lot of reading, not just on sex but the whole intimacy issue - how men and women experience intimacy differently. One of the articles really hit the nail on the head when it said, "Men spell intimacy S E X and women spell it T A L K." I've shared the articles with her and I make sure my SO and I have a 5 minute "catch up" every day where we share with each other about how our days went and just sort of connect verbally. Do most women find this pretty much true? That you feel more connected and more sexual toward your partner if they talk to you and share their thoughts etc about other parts of their lives other than the relationship?

[synirr]

I think it's true that I feel very close and intimate with my BF when we talk, but I think a large part of that is that I just enjoy doing things with him... anything! I enjoy sharing experiences with him and then discussing it with him later. I like talking to him about his past, because it helps me form a clearer, more complete picture of the person he is. I think I may be most attracted to him when he's telling me some stupid story about his day, because hearing about him reminds me how much I love him, and that combined with the intimacy really puts me in the mood. I like being reminded of who it is that I'm with.

[ladylove]

First I want to say I'm really grateful for the time and thought you all are putting into helping me understand my SO and my situation better. I feel better just to be talking about it to someone, and getting women's perspectives really helps. As to the question of the accuracy of the description of coercive/forced what I can say is she told me "it was an abusive relationship - and sometimes it was physical." She has also said that when he didn't get his way he whined and pouted about it. She didn't say this specifically about sex, but after I began to think about it, I think maybe that was what happened if she said no to sex. Maybe sometimes he is rape her, I don't know.

MsLayD you are so right. Sex is about feeling wanted and desired by your SO. I don't feel wanted and desired BY her, and the reaction when I express desire FOR her is neutral to negative. There is never an "Oh boy! We're going to get it on!" attitude.

I've done a lot of reading, not just on sex but the whole intimacy issue - how men and women experience intimacy differently. One of the articles really hit the nail on the head when it said, "Men spell intimacy S E X and women spell it T A L K." I've shared the articles with her and I make sure my SO and I have a 5 minute "catch up" every day where we share with each other about how our days went and just sort of connect verbally. Do most women find this pretty much true? That you feel more connected and more sexual toward your partner if they talk to you and share their thoughts etc about other parts of their lives other than the relationship?

Sounds as though your SO has experienced a year of horrible trauma. I can't even imagine. Has she had any therapy? Maybe she or both of you need to go and get some therapy to improve your situation. If it can be improved. Are you willing to work that hard, and if you do what if nothing changes? How are you going to feel then. Are you willing live in a sexless marriage, if that's what it come to? Will resentment and angry depressive feelings build over time? You may not be the sort of man to show anger towards the women you love, but my dear Sunday, depression is anger turned inward. Can you live there?

Sunday, you are the only one that can decide what it is you want and need for yourself. What is it that Sunday needs in and from a sucessful relationship in order to be happy and content.

Good luck. You are in a tuff spot!

[sass]

Do most women find this pretty much true? That you feel more connected and more sexual toward your partner if they talk to you and share their thoughts etc about other parts of their lives other than the relationship?

Yes, I do feel closer to my SO when we talk, but for me, communication can be more than talking. The way he holds me, kisses me, caresses me, looks at me ... at that tells me as or more than his words do. Sure, it is nice to have a conversation, but it also nice to not have to say a word to speak volumes.

Like LL, I wish you luck Sunday. Only you know what you can or can't live with or without. I just hope you don't settle thinking there are not other options out there. I almost did that and it would have been a huge mistake.

[shoupja]

I would love to have it about 4 days a week. I could go for more if he wanted, but I guess I could live with 4. We don't do it that much when he's home because his schedule is so weird. I'd love it if Mr. Bossman would not be such an arse and let me have my husband before he's even too exhausted to eat the dinner I made hours ago. Oh yeah and we have these 3 little people that keep hanging out and interrupting our privacy. I wish they would go away so I could do what I want when I want. We still can't figure out why they keep calling us "mom and dad."

[chloegirl]

There is never an "Oh boy! We're going to get it on!" attitude.

That can work both ways.....that's the attitude we ALL want to receive.....but a "I want mine and I guess I'll just HAVE to put forth a little for you too every once in awhile" attitude is a real buzz killer.

I've done a lot of reading, not just on sex but the whole intimacy issue - how men and women experience intimacy differently. One of the articles really hit the nail on the head when it said, "Men spell intimacy S E X and women spell it T A L K." I've shared the articles with her and I make sure my SO and I have a 5 minute "catch up" every day where we share with each other about how our days went and just sort of connect verbally. Do most women find this pretty much true? That you feel more connected and more sexual toward your partner if they talk to you and share their thoughts etc about other parts of their lives other than the relationship?

Of course the more you talk, laugh, and share together the feelings of intimacy grow, but it also depends on what and how you are talking.....A few minutes of "tell me about your day" is fine, but we really don't want to hear EVERY single detail of what you did on the job. Heck, most of us have jobs too and when we're home we'd just as soon not think about it. What we would rather hear is what you're thinking and feeling. If you're worried or bothered by something at work, ok...lets talk about that....it's the emotions, whether it's good, bad, humorous, dirty, or whatever that sparks the connection.

Also, I don't know if this would apply to someone who has been abused in any way, but while the "nice and understanding" guy persona is generally a good thing, I think most women would really respond to an occasional animalistic, agressive, "I HAVE TO HAVE YOU NOW IN A DOZEN DIFFERENT WAYS!!" stance. Let her know it's not just the sex you are wanting but that it is HER that you want with an uncontrollable passion. Unless she has killed the sexual side of herself off completely there's no way she can refuse an offer like that!

[mensaphiliac]

We probably average 4-6 times per week, occasionally hitting the daily mark.

Frequency-wise, I wouldn't change much. Passion-wise, I would like things to heat up a bit.

[Sunday]

Also, I don't know if this would apply to someone who has been abused in any way, but while the "nice and understanding" guy persona is generally a good thing, I think most women would really respond to an occasional animalistic, agressive, "I HAVE TO HAVE YOU NOW IN A DOZEN DIFFERENT WAYS!!" stance.

That's how things were with my wife. She LOVED to be shown how much I wanted her. She welcomed it. I'm skeptical of how that would work with my SO. When I show that attitude toward her she seems indifferent. Once when I told her I wanted her right now she actually said, "No you don't."

I've been smacked down by her so many times when I've tried to be sexually aggressive that I won't do it any more.

Let her know it's not just the sex you are wanting but that it is HER that you want with an uncontrollable passion. Unless she has killed the sexual side of herself off completely there's no way she can refuse an offer like that!

I think she has killed the sexual side of herself completely. The thing is, I don't miss the actual sex as much as I miss the feeling of being wanted.

I'm sorry to come on this board with so much negativity. How about a topic that's fun? Any ideas?

[ladylove]

That's how things were with my wife. She LOVED to be shown how much I wanted her. She welcomed it. I'm skeptical of how that would work with my SO. When I show that attitude toward her she seems indifferent. Once when I told her I wanted her right now she actually said, "No you don't."

I've been smacked down by her so many times when I've tried to be sexually aggressive that I won't do it any more.

I think she has killed the sexual side of herself completely. The thing is, I don't miss the actual sex as much as I miss the feeling of being wanted.

I'm sorry to come on this board with so much negativity. How about a topic that's fun? Any ideas?

How can you say you don't miss the sex if you have underling feelings of anger, resentment and depressed feelings.

Are you figuring out what you will be happy with for the long haul?

[Sunday]

How can you say you don't miss the sex if you have underling feelings of anger, resentment and depressed feelings.

Are you figuring out what you will be happy with for the long haul?

If I felt like my SO wanted and was interested in sex with me I would be OK with her not feeling well, having her period, traveling, health problems, having a house full of relatives or friends - any of the things that typically get in the way of people actually getting it on. At least I would know she would be enthusiastic about having it when we could. I think someone posted something on this board about being OK with the frequency but wanting more passion. I can relate to that. To me, some enthusiasm - even once a month - seems like it would be better than lifeless, dutiful sex every day.

To answer your second question, yes, I'm working on understanding what would make me happy in the long haul. Actually, that's why I'm here. I need to balance what I want with what is possible and your answers to questions and your insights have been invaluable, but I feel like there is some impatience here with me because I haven't made a decision. Just being able to vent helps a lot, and I've taken a lot of what I've read here to heart. I've especially paid attention to the stories of people whose libidos have gone away for whatever reason and then come back and sex became wonderful again. Hearing the stories of the diversity of experiences here has been really helpful. So, I'm not here just bitching. I'm paying attention.

[ladylove]

If I felt like my SO wanted and was interested in sex with me I would be OK with her not feeling well, having her period, traveling, health problems, having a house full of relatives or friends - any of the things that typically get in the way of people actually getting it on. At least I would know she would be enthusiastic about having it when we could. I think someone posted something on this board about being OK with the frequency but wanting more passion. I can relate to that. To me, some enthusiasm - even once a month - seems like it would be better than lifeless, dutiful sex every day.

To answer your second question, yes, I'm working on understanding what would make me happy in the long haul. Actually, that's why I'm here. I need to balance what I want with what is possible and your answers to questions and your insights have been invaluable, but I feel like there is some impatience here with me because I haven't made a decision. Just being able to vent helps a lot, and I've taken a lot of what I've read here to heart. I've especially paid attention to the stories of people whose libidos have gone away for whatever reason and then come back and sex became wonderful again. Hearing the stories of the diversity of experiences here has been really helpful. So, I'm not here just bitching. I'm paying attention.

I'm glad we're all able to help you some. Just want to clear one thing up, and I think it may be true with a lot of people. My libido only went on vacation while my children were really little and life was harried. By the time my little one was about 5 life got easier, and our relationship was resurrected so to speak.

[ladylove]

Are any other women on this board feeling insatiable?

[mailahn97]

Are any other women on this board feeling insatiable?

OH hell yes. In fact my SO teases me about that alot. I wonder if that shoudl be my middle name....lol.

[ladylove]

OH hell yes. In fact my SO teases me about that alot. I wonder if that shoudl be my middle name....lol.

Yeh, My So said the only time he get's any real rest is when he has to work..... well almost.

[ladylove]

Yeh, My So said the only time he get's any real rest is when he has to work..... well almost.

So men, do you feel like your having a hard time keeping up with your SO, these days or reverse?

[garry]

So men, do you feel like your having a hard time keeping up with your SO, these days or reverse?

I would say it's about even. We both want to do it as much as possible but having a hard time finding alone time with the shy kid still at home .

[ladylove]

I would say it's about even. We both want to do it as much as possible but having a hard time finding alone time with the shy kid still at home .

what time does he go to bed? Or how about a little morning delight.... I know your up with the birds but....

[ohshelly]

Alright, think about this:

What kind of sex life can I expect to have when the son of my former SO is moving in with me??

HIS kid in the next room??

I guess its back to the good ol back seat when the time comes, huh?

[garry]

what time does he go to bed? Or how about a little morning delight.... I know your up with the birds but....

He goes to bed around midnight since his first class is at 9:00am . I have to get up at 4:30am to go to work. At least we have Fridays and Saturdays to get our groove on . Maybe once or twice during the week when he goes out