A Bug Of Sorts

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So I've got something bugging me. I'm not sure what I hope to achieve by posting this. I'm not really looking for "what should I/we do" advice or anything. Maybe just general thoughts, or what you think you might do if you were in a similar boat. Realistically I don't think there is much we can do, and the wife doesn't seem inclined to want to do anything, so we will just let lying dogs lie.

The other day my wife was looking over the newspaper, when she suddenly starts angrily blurting out, "That's Him!" "Who?" I asked. "Him. A-hole!" She pointed to a picture of half a dozen people; nobody that I know. "WHO?" I asked again. Then one of the kids came in the room and my wife clearly didn't want to say anything in front of him. Finally the kid left, and she said "That's the A-hole who stole my virginity!" In other words, the guy who raped her when she was 15. Then talking more to herself, "I had to see that headline, and just had to find out what it was about. Couldn't just leave it alone, coud I ? . . ."

She had noticed a last name in the article, and a town (where this guy used to live), and started checking first names and faces of the people in the picture and put it together. I asked if I should kill him and she said no. I was kinda relieved, since it wouldn't do my kids any good for me to go to jail for 40 years and I'm not much of a tough guy. She wondered if he would even remember, or if he'd raped enough other girls that he wouldn't.

She had to run out to her PT job, and when she came back she clearly didn't want to talk about it any more. So that's basically the end of it. I did check the list of people at my work, and he doesn't work there. Checked the phone book, and there is no listing for him. I checked Megan's Law sex offender registry, and he is not there. From some info in the article, I got an idea and did some public records checking and have a hunch where he might live, but without staking the place out I'd have no way to confirm it. There is that U.S. Search web site also . . . I just checked and it has a hit for him, but I didn't go any further. Maybe I will. I haven't mentioned any of this to the Mrs.

Even if we tried to do something legally, a lot of years have gone by and it would be his word against hers. And the jerk now has his own family and little kids; I don't supposed it would be doing them any favors to have their pop sent off to jail. And like I say, the wife doesn't seem inclined to want to be reminded of all this any more than she has been.

I'm just a dumb guy and cannot know or imagine what it is like to be raped; all I can do is see women I know who have been raped or sexually assaulted and see how it affects them, and see that it is pretty heavy duty stuff.

So this nags at me, knowing this guy is out there and not that far away, and feeling something ought to be done but that really, nothing appropriate can be done. Sorry for the book.

[Tyger]

First off, I am sorry that your wife went thru this. It's very hard being raped/sexually assaulted. I myself, am a survivor, so yes, I know where she is coming from.

Now, as far as doing anything about it: DON'T. Usually there's a statute of limitations, and that's (on average) about 6 yrs for rape. After that, no charges can be pressed. So long has gone by, that all that'd be accomplished by trying to take the ass to court is a lot of hurt feelings. And, if he hasn't done it again (though he probably did), or didn't get caught, he can turn around and sue YOU for defermation of character, and then y'all would be on the loosing end. Unfortunately, there is no legal recourse now.

If your wife doesn't want to talk about it, don't push it. I am assuming she is close to your age, so, she's hopefully dealt with it and moved on. If it was fresh, I'd say she needs to talk to heal. If she's been to counselling before, that's great. I'm not saying that it takes some time & then you're over it, because that stays with you forever. However, once one has "dealt" with it internally, they don't like to have to keep talking about it and reliving the pain all over again. She probably just wants to forget it (as much as she can) so she can function. I know I don't like to think about what happened to me all the time, or try and relive it. There's nothing I can do to change it, but I did learn from it.

If she wants to talk about it, great. Just LISTEN to her. But, don't let the anger you feel toward the guy that did this to her consume YOU, and then you go off and do something stupid. YOUR family needs you too. Men naturally want to protect their family (good thing), and get back at those that may have wronged their women, even if they didn't know those women at the time. This can be a bad thing. Because all you're doing is stirring stuff up again. If she wants to let it lie, then let it lie. Don't push her. You can just tell her gently, that you're there if she wants to talk, and drop it.

Instinctively, men want to protect their women, which is admirable. However, I know I wouldn't want my husband to go and find the ass that attacked me, and beat his ass or kill him. Cuz then he'd go to prison, and then, as a family, we'd loose out. Personally, I don't think that the man that attacked me is worth the effort or even thought of going after him.

What empowered me, and made me really feel strong, is, when I was 14, me and my mother ran into him & his family at a restaurant. I stared him down, not saying anything to anyone (after I said hello to his mother). He couldn't even LOOK at me. It felt really good to know that he was a pussy in the end (as most rapists truly are).

I am happy, healthy, and living life. Which is the perfect way to "get back" at your rapist. Letting them know (even if they "know" only in your mind) that you have survived. You live, and you love life. Encourage her to do that.

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Thanks.

Defamation, huh? I guess it probably wouldn't be a good idea to slug him, either, if we ever crossed paths. Don't know that we ever would, but it is a small world and you never know, and I wonder what would be an appropriate thing to do, if anything, if we ever did. (I once saw a street magician guy in Boston doing his act for a crowd. 5 or 6 years later I saw the same guy on a sort-of back street in Zurich Switzerland, doing his act for a small crowd. Small world. [he had a distinctive voice and looked like my brother in law.] )

She is actually closer to your age. She had largely dealt with it and moved on by the time I had met her 15 years ago. Till she saw the pic in the paper. By the next day and since then she seems back to normal. I have not and don't intend to bring it up on my own.

I also wonder what would make a guy do that to someone? I've tried to imagine myself doing it, I think more to see if I'd even be capable of it under some situation, and it doesn't work; it is just such an alien thing to me. With this jerk, did he realize what he was doing, or did he somehow just see it as sex and not rape? It wasn't a case of some creepo total stranger jumping out of the woods to attack her, but it was not a date rape either. She barely knew the guy. Just went to a house with some friends were he was, and he got her alone in a back bedroom. (I don't know all the details and have forgotten some since she first told me, and of course now I wouldn't bring it up to ask.)

Anyway, I am not becoming consumed by this, but it does nag at me.

[pappyld04]

The defense to defamation is truth! I would never sweat that if I knew the facts! Your state of mind is at present, similar to my own just not for the same reasons. IDK you personally other than a few things I have read and I really don't get a read of a man that could/would be able to physically assault someone. Even under these circumstances! I may have that wrong, but that is my read on you! And don't take that in the wrong way! No offense is intended here. Your safety is my main concern.

These people are taught that no means yes, they can have any woman they choose, etc..

They have PISS POOR role models leading them down this path! In this instance, I would apply your concerns to your SO!!! Help her all you can through her pain! She is not over this!

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No offense taken. Haven't been in a fight since 9th grade, and things weren't too bloody and folks didn't lose too many teeth from it back then.

I'm thinking, though, if we ever did cross paths and I did slug him, I might be able to get away with it. "So, pal, do your wife and kids know you're a rapist? Go ahead. Call the cops. I'll tell them and anyone else who wants to know why I did that." Whether he can claim defamation or not, I'd think he wouldn't want his family knowing his slimy past.

My wife's father once saw his neighbor molesting a kid. He went over and kicked the crap out of the neighbor. Neighbor threatened to call the cops. "Go ahead, you sonofabitch, call them. I'll tell them exactly what I saw," wife's father said as he continued to kick crap out of him. No cops were called.

[sun_flower969]

I gotta tell you... I like your attitude! How indignant you sound toward this asshole even though it was so long ago kind of strikes a chord with me. Your wife is a lucky woman!

[pappyld04]

If you're gonna be a bear, be a Grizzly Bear! Opportunity rarely knocks twice! Your FIL sounds like a real stand up kind of a man!

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Thanks, Sun, though having tough guy thoughts and putting them into action isn't always the same thing. If I was one of my wife's brothers (who are more like their pop in this regard), they'd be at the guy's house already pummeling his sorry ass. (They do not know about any of this)

I never knew the father in law. He had died before I met the Mrs. And while she and her brothers look up to him and respect him at one level, they'll be the first to tell you how rough and mean he could be, beat them with a belt at times, treated their mom poorly and cheated on her. Like a lot of us, he had his good and his bad.