Very Little Sex From Wife

[jackmac71]

my wife and I have been together like 19 years married 6 just had our first baby he is almost 4 mo old and she will not give it up but like once or twice every two weeks. I have talked to her about this like four times now trying to be understanding asking questions like is it me whats wrong all that stuff , and getting real pissed off trying to fix this every time she says it will be fixed and that it is not my fault that she doesn't won't to have sex but it never changes. This has been going on for the last 4 or 5 years so I know that it has nothing to do with the baby . I am now at the point of thinking about trying to find someone on the side to help me with my sexual frustration I have told her about this and that we could separate or even divorce if she could not accept this will someone please help me figure out what to do.

[Fhawk]

my wife and I have been together like 19 years married 6 just had our first baby he is almost 4 mo old and she will not give it up but like once or twice every two weeks. I have talked to her about this like four times now trying to be understanding asking questions like is it me whats wrong all that stuff , and getting real pissed off trying to fix this every time she says it will be fixed and that it is not my fault that she doesn't won't to have sex but it never changes. This has been going on for the last 4 or 5 years so I know that it has nothing to do with the baby . I am now at the point of thinking about trying to find someone on the side to help me with my sexual frustration I have told her about this and that we could separate or even divorce if she could not accept this will someone please help me figure out what to do.

I expect that, at this point, the more you emphasise the importance of sex, the more cornered she may feel, and less and less inclined to change. This is not a case of 'fault' but obviously, something occurred a few years ago that changed her attitude. (It may have nothing whatsoever to do with you, but you need to find out what changed.) You just had a child and yet you are almost willing to throw this marriage out the window because sex is not more than once or twice each fortnight? That isn't bad, actually, for a couple with a young baby. Women DO go through hormonal changes and physical changes after childbirth (including the possibility of something called post partum depression that can lead to suicide), so perhaps you need to tread a little more carefully at least for awhile until you both become accustomed to the baby. And yes, fathers have trouble adjusting as well, but it is nothing like the adjustment of a woman who had to become accustomed to carrying a huge stomach in front of her for months, then go through the agony of childbirth and end up a different person physically.

At the same time, when you put this in terms such as 'she will not give it up', it turns the whole business of sex into a rather negative equation. It shouldn't be a matter of her giving it up. It should be a situation where both partners are trying to attain satisfaction together... and I don't mean solely physical satisfaction.

Did you ever ask her about her fantasies? I don't mean just sex but romance as well. Romance IS foreplay for sex. Don't try to force her to give you sexual details at the start. Just ask her what her ideal romantic day would be... and then do it for her. She may need a bit of coaxing. Many women after having a child don't like their bodies and feel they have become undesirable. This obviously is not true, but it's a natural feeling. Asking for more sex without trying to get to the root of her behaviour is counterproductive.

I am not taking 'her side' but the best way to get what YOU want is to persuade her that it could include something she wants. Ask her about her fantasies and try to make her feel that you care about what is going on inside her head and heart and not just wanting to go between her legs... I know you are frustrated but this is the worst possible moment for you to think in terms of divorce or a 'bit on the side'. If it was like this for 5 years, why did you stick it out this long? Why did you have a child? A child is an investment in the future. You have been with this woman for almost 2 decades. You say it has been this way for 5 years or so... but what was it like before that? It must be worth a real effort to try to find your way back to a better relationship with your wife and the mother of your child.

[Fhawk]

I wonder if I sounded too preachy in my first response. I didn't intend that at all, but sex always is 90% mental and only 10% physical. Have you ever asked her about role play? She might open up a little if she could pretend to be some one else. Have you tried gentle seduction, such as a blindfold and a feather? Perhaps it takes longer for her to become stimulated than it did when you first met... in which case, perhaps an unthreatening sex toy...? Make it clear to her that you'll do almost anything it takes to interest her again in intimacy.

[jackmac71]

Ok f**hawk I will try to answers some of you questions lets start you said that obviously something occurred a few years ago that changed her attitude, I have address this one with her already she said nothing has happened. next we go to the part that you post, You just had a child and yet you are almost willing to throw this marriage out the window because sex is not more than once or twice each fortnight I would not say that I am throwing this marriage out the window if this were the case I would have had an affair and not told her what was on my mind trying to resolve this problem, next you go on about women DO go through hormonal changes and physical changes after childbirth, like I said in my post this has been happening before the baby was born years before. next in your post, fathers have trouble adjusting as well, but it is nothing like the adjustment of a woman who had to become accustomed to carrying a huge stomach in front of her for months, then go through the agony of childbirth and end up a different person physically,she love being pregnant said she would do it again in a heartbeat it was not bad at all sounds to me that you or someone you know has had a real hard time with a pregnancy.lets go to then part when you put this in terms such as 'she will not give it up', it turns the whole business of sex into a rather negative equation ,maybe i should have said something like make sweat love to my wife instead but i'm a little upset. next you post Did you ever ask her about her fantasies? yes she is conservative about these things not as open as she ones was that is part of the problem sex and romance do go together somewhat I know. next Asking for more sex without trying to get to the root of her behaviour is counterproductive. that is what I am trying to do. next I am not taking 'her side' but the best way to get what YOU want is to persuade her that it could include something she wants. I ask her what she likes and does not I don't force things on her . next you post If it was like this for 5 years, why did you stick it out this long? Why did you have a child? why did I stick it out this long because we are married and I thought that we should try to work things out not just leave, Why did you have a child? she always wanted a child but I was not ready but the reason for not leaving and having a child is because I love her and wanted to give her the one thing she did not have to feel whole a baby. look I always make sure she gets to have at least one if not more orgasm when we have sex we have a box full of toys that do not get use hardly every I think that she has just become a little to comfortable in the relationship

[ladylove]

It seems to me as thought the two of you would benefit from a marriage counselor in order to get to the root of the problem. Have you discussed or thought of that as an option?

[shdowulf39]

I'm with ladylove.I don't think anyone on here has the qualifications to be of much help.really think you should see a professional.