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I am sure this topic has probably already been discussed here but I need some input. My husband and I have married almost 10 yrs and while I love him dearly our sex life is almost none existant. I've always had a stronger sex drive than he does but now even I have lost a lot of my enthusiasum.

We are both 43 and we have no children. I have spinal muscular atrophy that makes it necessary for me to use a wheelchair. I also require a lot of personal care which my husband lovingly provides. I am sure that the effort of my personal care drains some of the energy he might have for sex but surely we can have both. I am convinced there must be a way to turn the routine of bathing and dressing into more fun for us both.

There are a couple more complicating issues as well. My husband has a very stressful job. He manages a retail store that sells mattresses and he does a good amount of heavy lifting and etc there so he has a bad back. He also takes the anti-depressant Lexapro which seems to help his depression but it seems to not be helping our sex life. Finally he is about a 150 lbs over weight which means our sex life has been limited to mutual masturbation for some time.

He is a very caring and thoughtful lover and I always have multiple orgasms. But quite often I fail to be able to get him to come and as a result I feel like a failure. He never tries to finish it himself and that makes me feel worse. He doesn't seem to masturbate at all by himself at least not that I know of and I am puzzled by that. I always thought all men did that at least occassionally. I just want to be able to help him find pleasure again. I want him to find passion again on a regular basis for somethig other than food that is.

I wish I could do the normal stuff most women do like meet him at the door in sexy lingere or just crawl into him lap and be the agressor. But it is hard to surprize someone with lingere when they dress you and my days of transferring myself out of this heelchair are long gone. So recently I been thinking toys might be the answer. I've wondered if he might not enjoy sex more and if having soe toys in our relationship might not give me the oportunity to initiate sex myself.

Therein lies the rub how do I introduce the idea. I am active in my church and teach Sunday School (an adult class) but he doesn't go to church so I don't want to shock him too much. :o I am not looking to become a swinger or anything else I just more sex with my husband and I want it to be good for both of us. Please give me any advise you have I am getting desperate.


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Thank you so much for your post sthrnsxyldy! This post has reaffirmed for me the important role that Sex Toys can play in a marriage! I applaud your courage and your husband's love and dedication for you. I am so sorry for you situation, but as you know, God gives us the strength to perservere, and it certainly appears as though you are attempting to make the best of a situation which is definitely hard in many, many areas! I will do my best to give you suggestions.

I definitely think sex toys would be great to spice up the sex life. I think for many men - visual images are a great turn on - and he definitely loves to play with you.

I would like to ask this though - is there absolutely no way that sex is not an option (actual, physical sex?) Have you tried the spooning position, you on your sides, he behing you and he taking you from behind. It is very, very easy on the backs and you are close and there isn't a lot of thrusting or major movement. If he is overweight and can;t get too close, he can back up a bit. Or perhaps you can have him prop you up on pillows, with your butt under a pillow, and be on his butt or knees (can he kneel?)

I apologize for my ignorance here, I know little of this disorder's progression, nor do I know where you are "stage" wise - so can you sit by yourself at all for any length of time? If not, can you sit on a chair and have him take you on the chair? Or, if you just layed on the bed and he stood on the edge, all he has to do is hold your feet up and thrust - you don't even have to move!

I know you asked about sex toys - and believe you me, I have that answer, but I thought maybe you might want my ideas on getting back to physical sex too - I am sorry if those ideas just wouldn't work - you probably have tried them already.

Back to the sex toys - I would just tell him that you want them for him and for you. That you are looking to have some penetration - not that the oral sex isn't fantastic, and that you want to excite him. Offer to let him look with you for the toys. Perhaps but him a penis pump or a masturbator that you can use together on him - to help him reach his climax.

As for what kind to get - that is personal preference - but I personally prefer Dual Actions - so I would look at those. They do it all - vaginal stimulation, clitoral stimulation, they are the wonder toy in my opinion.

Good luck, and I hope tht you find some sexual happiness in your situation!


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I would like to add my 2cents on this topic. As far as the sex toys go dont be surprise if he really isnt into the idea especially at first. Most men are set back by the thought of a toy. They feel that they arent getting the job done or done right and now a toy is taking the place.

Now dont let that turn you off from the idea-I am just saying that when i introduced the idea of toys to my HB he didnt react very eager at first......but in time he changed his mind and found out just how much fun a toy can bring and how much spice it can add. So bring the topic of toys up and if he really isnt into it dont be surprised but dont give up either. Explain to him its for BOTH of you and how much fun it will add to your sex life.

Now for the part of your post that said your hubby doesnt get off either by you or alone- It is NOT you im sure- yes it can be the stress of everyday life, his job and so on......but I really think the major factor of him not being able to cum is the medication that you said he is taking.

Lack of sexual interest is one of the side effects of that type of medication. Maybe he should talk it over with his Dr. to see if there is another type that may help him with less side effects. This may also be the reason for being over weight. I would check into seeing if there are other options as far as medication goes and if not then he has to stick with works for him and his depression and you both have to cope with the side effects.

good luck and keep posting

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Sthrnsxyldy, well I have a few things to add but not much since Mikayla and Hrnychick pretty much covered it. I do think it may be the meds on why he cant get off. I have a friend he is on the same medication so I talked to him and his wife to get the scoup on it.

He said that he cant get off unless he doesnt take it the day before him and his wife are going to have sex. Of course though talk to the doctor first and make sure that is okay with the Doctor. My friend also stated that alot of the medications for that can also decrease a mans sex drive to alot, there are other ones out there but each one has the similiar type of effects. I think the best thing is to talk to the doctor about the medication and then go from there.

Also I would sit down and gently bring the conversatin up about toys, it is true men at first arent that excited about them but once they know how much fun they are and how much fun it is to not only watch but get to play with you they soon relize that the toys are also their best friend to.

Keep us posted! :)

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