BBQ RULES We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: Routine... (1) The woman buys the food. (2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert. (3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand. (4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman. Here comes the important part: (5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. More routine... (6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. (7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat Important again: (8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN. More routine... (9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table. (10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. And most important of all: (11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. (12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Sex, Church & Pancakes Sex The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: 'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!' Church A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand . He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!' The preacher said, 'No shit?' Pancakes Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.' The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pan cakes in the middle of the table. 'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?' 'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father. ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: NOT politically correct! They once said we would not have a black president until pigs could fly. Well, 100 days in office and guess what? Swine flu. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Middle aged woman A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.' Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, lipoid-suction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?' God replied, 'Girlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!' --------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Aisle Seat Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.' As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone, the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?' THE FEW. THE PROUD.. THE MARINES. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meet Marvin, Men's answer to Maxine!!! Men strike back! How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be open when she brings it. -------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ----------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. -------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' -------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. -------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course.. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% It's called a Wedding Cake. ---------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------ Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to the select few women who can handle it! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman and her b oyfriend are out having a few drinks. > >While sitting there having a good time together, she starts talking >about this really great new drink. > >The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts >trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. > >After a while, he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. > >The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items20on the bar: >*A salt shaker >*A shot of Baileys >*A shot of lime juice > >The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains: > First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue. > Next you drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth. > And finally you drink the lime juice. > >So the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. > >He puts the salt on his tongue...salty, but OK >He drinks the shot of Baileys and holds it in his mouth...smooth, rich, >cool and very pleasant. He thinks...this is OK >Finally, he picks up the lime juice and drinks it. > >1. In one second the sharp lime taste hits. >2. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. >3. At three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency >hits. >4. At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. > >This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to >disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink. > >When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says; >'Jesus what do you call this drink?' > >She smiles widely at him and says; >'Blow Job revenge.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- Gun Control Barrack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence. Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.' Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!' --------------------------------------------------------------------------- I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!! LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!! THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED. SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS. THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS. YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU ? GOTCHA! ---------------------------------------------------------------- DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS (Or the uncertainty of the English language) Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?' --------------------------------------------------------- A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?' The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.' --------------------------------------------------------- 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself..' --------------------------------------------------------- A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.' ----------------------------------------------------------- An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.' ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. The DNA all matches. 2. There are no dental records. ---------------------------------------------------------- A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up. ---------------------------------------------------------- Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective. 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.' ----------------------------------------------------------- Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.' Joe: 'Really?' Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.' ---------------------------------------------------------- A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!' ------------------------------------------------------------ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care ..................................................................... The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.' --------------------------------------------------------------------- A bear walks into a bar in Billings , Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings ' The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings ..' The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.' The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to Belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings' The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, 'Sorry, but we especially don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.' The bear looks at him quizzically and says, 'I'm not on drugs.' (You're gonna love me for this...) The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate ------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Brought tears to my eyes > > A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the > > house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to > > break something, but the boy continues. > > "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He > > stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. > > Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the > > store...He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he > > leaves it.. > > > > Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A > > diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out > > it > > comes. > > When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what > > she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She > > calls > > her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he > > assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives > > she > > leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, > > hard > > look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it > > to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is > > everywhere. > > On him, the walls, etc. > > "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, > > "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time > > I've ever > > actually seen a fart !" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- EVEN GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH! There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black: 1. He called everyone brother 2. He liked Gospel 3. He didn't get a fair trial But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish: 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian: 1. He talked with His hands 2. He had wine with His meals 3. He used olive oil But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian: 1. He never cut His hair 2. He walked around barefoot all the time 3. He started a new religion But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian: 1. He was at peace with nature 2. He ate a lot of fish 3. He talked about the Great Spirit But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish: 1. He never got married. 2. He was always telling stories. 3. He loved green pastures. But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman: 1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food 2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it 3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do. Can I get an AMEN!! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend ? an hour writing, then forget to take to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers." Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. -------------------------------------------------------------------------
I can get into enough shit all by my lonesome!