Kace

My wife seems to only like face-to-face positions, mostly missionary. But what works for both of us is the modification of missionary called the folded deck chair. http://www.sexinfo101.com/foldeddeckchair.shtml I can get reeeeealy deep with that one and her thighs provide an extra bit of pressure on the upstroke. The downside is I don't tend to last long this way, but neither does she.

When my then wife-to-be was still in graduate school I was in much the same position as you are now. School is a stressful time and can diminish sexual response. Mismatched libido is a pretty common problem to have and something that can be sorted out. Fortunately, one of the best ways to beat stress and relax is - sex. Find an evening when she doesn't have something due the next day and draw her a bath, offer a massage, do a mini-spa night for her. Let her know that the evening is about her and not about you wanting to jump her bones. (Even if you do!) Women are more receptive to sex when they are relaxed and don't feel pulled in multiple directions. You guys have only been together for a year - it's normal for the frequency to die down a bit as you both fall into routines. You'll need to talk about it, preferably NOT right before or during sex. You are correct in being cautious about making it sound like a demand or requirement. That would be a huge turnoff for her and then for you as you'll wonder if she's really enjoying herself or performing out of obligation. Instead, phrase it in terms that ask her what she feels about the situation. "What do you think about our sex life?" "What could make it better for you?" "Are you happy with how often we get to bed?" This will draw her into a conversation where the natural tendency is for her to ask you the same questions, then discuss where to go from there. It's not always a pleasant conversation but it's necessary. If a mismatched libido is bothering you this early, imagine what it would be like 5, 10, 25 years down the road when you're married and the rift has grown even more? Knock it out early.

I think we may have figured it out. It was the pill. She has been off it for a couple of weeks now and she's told me she now gets distracted at work thinking about sex. It's the best news I've heard in a long time. The residual pain is gone too and when we do have sex she's much wetter than she has been in ages. (probably related) It's still mostly vanilla in bed but it's a massive improvement! Part of the last gyno visit was a pre-pregnancy assessment to make sure everything is ok before we try to start a family. Green light, no more pill, hello libido. If she weren't trying to get pregnant I'd be just fine with condoms so long as she doesn't have to take that libido killer again. It's the 3rd pill she's tried and they all have various side effects. Even tried the nuvaring thing and it ended up giving her a cervical ulcer! Anyway, things finally look good. Now all I have to do is slowly corrupt this "good girl" persona of hers.

I think the late George Carlin summed up my feelings on it nicely - "I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal. Fucking is legal. Why isn't selling fucking legal? You know, why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that one at all! Of all the things you can do, giving someone an orgasm is hardly the worst thing in the world. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people! In civilian life you go to jail for giving someone an orgasm!" I agree with Mikayla about the difference between prostitution as a chosen profession vs as an act of desperate survival. The most precious thing any one us has is our personal sovereignty. Without it we are merely property. No job or profession should ever ever ever subjugate personal sovereignty.

Oh, the south will rise again. I know I have to be patient for it though. Stupid saccharomycotes. Can't hate them completely - they may ruin sex but they also make beer. So it's a mixed bag.

I guess I'm one of the strange guys that prefers a smaller cup size - C's or smaller are just dandy.

So my wife's gyno checkup was yesterday and I got to be present. She's still having some residual soreness but it's more manageable now - going to try one last round of oral antifungals to kill off the remaining irritants. Still trying to be patient though it's hard. Gals, I don't know how you manage the speculum. Looks like something out of the middle ages.

Would your husband consider a gym membership or a personal trainer? Many times a low libido isn't the core problem but instead can be a symptom of a body that's out of shape. Shedding unnecessary weight and toning muscle will often lead to an increase in libido. It'll also provide a nice confidence booster which may alleviate psychologically induced ED. It's worth a try - at the worst he ends up a bit healthier than before.

"The Talk" didn't happen until my younger brother was busted at school with a skin mag one of his friends stole from his much older brother. My dad was seriously old-school and stayed tight lipped about the subject He rented some lame educational film from Blockbuster and demanded we watch it. I don't recall the title but it was utterly laughable - some Barney-esque musical thing where everyone was singing about bodily functions. My mother (the nurse) re-hashed it in a bizarre mishmash of medical terminology and biblical hellfire and brimstone. What they didn't know was that I'd already read my mother's set of medical textbooks (the interesting gynocological bits at least!) and already knew the nitty gritty. I read at a very advanced level as a kid - I toted Steven King novels back in 5th grade. I understood the biology and mechanics of sex and that there was something mystical behind it. But what I never got (and really needed) was a grasp of how to interact with the opposite sex! I didn't get a real date until my junior year of college and didn't get first-hand carnal knowledge until a few months before I graduated. Ugh. I spent so many years utterly clueless not knowing how to communicate with women on a fundamental level. I'm still no Don Juan, but if I ever become a father I'll not letting my parent's mistakes repeat themselves. Not having a meaningful "talk" is just cruel.

It seems that the prolonged oral antifungal regimen along with the prescription steroid creme is working. She's said that the pain is gone so long as we take it easy. We still aren't getting to bed with any increase in frequency or variety but I'm hoping this will improve with time. I'm a bit worried that it wasn't just the VVS that's the problem but a fundamental disinterest in sex. I don't know how to go about tackling that though. She's got a followup appointment coming up in June and she's ok with me being there now. Yay for small victories.

1. One more thing for the to-do list.

For me, the average has dwindled down to once every other month or so. I've expanded on the reasons why in another thread. We've discussed it and found we have a libido gap. She'd be fine with once a month, I'd prefer 3-5 nights a week minimum. Haven't found a compromise yet but I think if I remove as many barriers to sex as possible and get her in the mood more often - I won't have to compromise. Here's hoping.

I think the recheck was when her normal annual exam is. I got a better understanding of the new treatment she's on from a medical publication available at the doctor's office. There is a large percentage of VVS patients that have chronic irritation only near the vestibular ducts. This can still be from a persistent fungal infection that isn't treatable with topical antifungals because it's *in* the ducts as well. So the medication can't get down in there to kill it off. This time around the OB put my wife on repeated high dose oral antifungals which work systemically. It may take a while for the infection to die and the inflammation to subside. Trust me, if this round of meds isn't working in the 4-6 week range I'm going to find her a specialist, preferably one that doesn't immediately turn to a scalpel when things don't go as planned. I have paper photocopy of the article if anyone needs information about the latest treatments. The publication is "OBG Management", the article was from May of 2009 and is titled "A Practical Approach to Vestibulitis". It's fantastic and written for doctors, not some watered down pamphlet in the lobby of a clinic. I don't think I can scan and upload it here (copyright issues) but if you can't find it I'll be happy to send it to you directly. Just PM me. My wife seems to be a little more upbeat now. I don't know if it's because she might finally rid herself of the condition or that I seem intent on focusing on her needs. She actually initiated this morning! I really missed it and I think she did too. The pain wasn't too bad this morning - I tried to avoid the part that hurt. I can't understand why it took 5 years to do something about a chronic pain condition. I mean, if my scrotum felt like it was constantly on fire and the doctor couldn't fix it in one or two visits... I'd end up on the 6 o'clock news one way or another.

From what my wife told me the appointment went in a pretty routine fashion - <poke> <poke>, yup it's vulvodynia. Once again, another round of antifungals. At least this time she was prescribed a topical steroid for the inflammation. The OB said that the next recheck is in the summer. And if this doesn't do it, there's always surgery. Really? Cutting parts out is the best idea she's got? Vestibular glands are are there for a reason! They serve a purpose! Dammit, it's not even MY vulva and I'm more concerned with it. She's already said she doesn't want surgery. And she was surprised that I knew what Bartholin's and Skenes glands were and what they do. I might not ask for directions but that's because I keep a map. I'll try being more insistent on being at the next visit. I feel like I'm already asking quite a lot already. And I *really* hope the meds work this time. A part of me is still scared that there may be a whole other layer beyond the physical ailment that's affecting her libido. One battle at a time I guess.

Breathless little sighs and little moans... Sometimes it doesn't take touch at all to wind me up.

From an old flame of mine long long ago talking about a summer day: "I closed my eyes to the sun and imagined someone bending me over a flat surface, holding my wrists behind my back, and pulling my head up by the hair to breathe hot on my neck. I opened my eyes, and the sensation passed. Later I considered getting weekend tickets to **** -- I'd been homesick; it would have been nice. Then I realized that I would have done it in a heartbeat if you had promised to fuck me like that." I have countless examples of her verbal prowess.

Not sure if you'd be interested in a mostly all-girl, but I picked up "Clearly Sex" a while back and love it. It features a variety of lovely ladies and the full range of acrylic toys by Cox Industries. The sex is very believable and the actresses (and actor!) have that girl/guy next door quality. If you like seeing facial expressions during orgasm, you'll love this film. Very easy to be swept in. Just skip over the "advertisement" scene and enjoy. Sadly, I didn't find any of the Cox acrylic toys at TT or I would link them here. The "Orifish" is just playful and perfect. The whole line is meant to be beautiful - like art pieces you can have sex with. You can find the Cox Industries site here: http://www.artforsex.com/ As for videos that TT does carry, any of the Nina Hartley videos are lovely. They are meant to be educational but not drab. There are some great sex scenes in there to get those creative juices flowing.

That would explain some of the inactivity. Well, I'm hoping to contribute to some of the boards here.

I've told her that my number one concern is for her to be pain-free. And I've offered to take time off work to go with her to doctor's appointments. The vibe I get is that she's uncomfortable with me being there. I don't get it either. Maybe she believes I'll think less of her if I see her in stirrups? Or maybe that she wants to tell her OB something that she'd otherwise hold back if I was in the room? I have no idea. When I've asked all she says is "No, no, I'll be fine." Any women here feel weirded out if their guys are present for OB appointments?

Thanks. I'll bet there are more lurkers out there that haven't worked up the nerve to get an account. C'mon, just do it.

Thanks for the reply. I knew she had occasional pain the past couple of years but she's always dismissed it as mysterious female problems like yeast or heat related chafing. From what she's saying now this has been going on for about 5 years! I guess she's become mentally conditioned that sex = burning pain. I wish I'd known sooner that it was all the same condition. For so long I thought she just wasn't interested in me anymore or that I just couldn't find a way to please her; like I was *that* bad at sex. Those kinds of thoughts can gnaw at you. She has another appointment today. I'm hoping for good news but from the accounts of other VVS sufferers it's sometimes taken them years to get it to a manageable condition. Or not at all. She's mentioned that she's tried several anti-fungal creams since her OB seems stuck on the idea that it's yeast. The latest prescription was for lidocaine ointment to numb the area. It did - but it also numbed everything else. We'll see what her OB says today. If it's another round of antibiotics or antifungals I'm going to demand a referral to a specialist. I know the National Vulvodynia Association (http://www.nva.org) keeps a list of medical professionals that know what VVS is and what to do about it. What's so frustrating is that it seems like there isn't much I can do. I'm expressly prohibited from being present at any of the gyno appointments - it's like a woman's sacred space. Heaven help the poor sod that tries to intervene! It's not like I haven't seen the parts before but alas, I'll have to assist from the sidelines. I'm a fix-it kind of guy but in this case there is no protocol for me to follow. I just want her to enjoy sex. At this point I don't know if she ever has or if she was just pretending so it wouldn't hurt my feelings. What a depressing thought. I guess the having kids questions were enough of a wakeup call that the sex problems need fixing. I really do want a family but I realize that bringing a baby into a frustrated home might be enough stress to break up our marriage. That wouldn't be fair to any of us.

I'll preface this by stating that it may sound like another "she isn't interested in sex" thread, but I've already searched through the forums for an answer and haven't had much luck except for this article: http://forums.tootimid.com/index.php?showtopic=8785 Sorry if this post ends up long winded but I figured the more information given the better the advice I may get in return. We've been married for about 6 years now. The sex quickly tapered off after the honeymoon. I chalked it up to the reality and work of being married. I've always had the higher sex drive and been more willing to experiment. That divide has grown over time. Over the years the frequency of sex has dwindled to a trickle. Right now it's once every other month at most. When it does happen I'm the initiator every time. No matter where or how I start she cuts the foreplay short and wants missionary only. She'll just lay there. She won't touch me. For me, sex isn't just about getting my rocks off - it's about feeling connected and bonded with another person. I couldn't understand why she was so disinterested in sex; why it seemed like it wasn't ever on the to-do list. It was always "I'm tired" or "Maybe later". Later never came. She told me this past week that she would like to try having kids within the next year. While I have no academic objection to the idea of becoming a father, I can't stand the thought of one more thing I have to compete with to win her attention. It would add more stress to both our lives and would likely make sex even less frequent. When I told her this she broke down and said that it isn't that she doesn't want sex, it's that it's too painful. She feels like she's a "bad wife" and her "vagina is broken". Her OB diagnosed her with vulvodynia, specifically vulvar vestibulitis syndrome. I've done LOTS of research on it and it's downright ghastly. In her case, the pain is localized to the lower portion of the vestibule (vaginal opening) furthest from the clitoris. I've found lots of support networks for patients of VVS, but nothing for spouses. I feel so selfish for wanting sex now and I've tried to stop initiating and pestering her. I've mentioned to her that there are things we could do together that wouldn't involve the affected area. I love giving oral, love doing whatever it takes to bring her over the edge. I figured my suggestions would spark something, maybe give her some ideas. So far, nothing. When I've brought up the topic of oral before (both giving and receiving) she responded with "there are some places mouths aren't supposed to go". It shut me down. I'm trying my best to be supportive but it all looks so bleak. The whole situation is taking a toll on my sanity. The saying is very true - sex is like money. Neither is a problem until you aren't getting any. For the past couple of years I've been edgy, short tempered, angry, depressed, disconnected. I can't stop thinking about how badly I crave sex. It's to the point where I can't concentrate on anything at work or home without this feeling of crushing despair. But the thing I need so much is what hurts her. And I don't want to hurt her. But I don't know how much longer I can repress my own needs. I'm not sure what to do at this point.

I've been a lurker around here for a while, figured I should go ahead and get an account. And now I can post! I'm an early 30's married male. Sex has always been a fascinating topic - strange that posts have slowed down around here.