Premarital Sex

[sass]

I have had this discussion with others before and find the opinions interesting. I am not trying to cause a big religious debate or anything like that, but with all the posts about couples that seem sexually incompatible, it makes me wonder what others' thoughts are.

Should a couple "test the waters" before they get married? Does that matter since we change so much as the relationship grows? To what extent should a couple explore before marriage? If you love oral and are going to need it, should it happen before marriage just to make sure he/she will do it? Will that matter if you're in love and giddy with your partner?

Thoughts???

[Sunday]

It doesn't make any difference when they get married (as long as they do it before they start spawning) but I think a couple should be required to live together for two years before they have children. Raising a child is too big a responsibility to take on while still developing a solid relationship, and it takes at least two years for that.

I have had this discussion with others before and find the opinions interesting. I am not trying to cause a big religious debate or anything like that, but with all the posts about couples that seem sexually incompatible, it makes me wonder what others' thoughts are.

Should a couple "test the waters" before they get married? Does that matter since we change so much as the relationship grows? To what extent should a couple explore before marriage? If you love oral and are going to need it, should it happen before marriage just to make sure he/she will do it? Will that matter if you're in love and giddy with your partner?

Thoughts???

[mystofpric]

Would you buy a car without a test drive? Or shoes without trying them on? (buy shoes online is like buying a mail order bride, your really just praying it fits).

Sex is an important part of any healthy relationship and you really do need to be sure your compatable. You need to know is your sex drives sync up, and be honest about it. Then again, I just like sex, so maybe I'm biased.

[Guest eminatic]

i also think that it is completely backwards and just plain ridiculous to make a lifelong commitment without ever having sex with the person.

that said, i do think that people generally have sex too EARLY in a relationship. i notice it seems like my generation has become a nation of "friends with benefits" people have sex first, and get to know each other later. then when they start adding everything up and find out they may not be the best match things get complicated because of the feelings that come from sex more than personality/"love"

[mystofpric]

i also think that it is completely backwards and just plain ridiculous to make a lifelong commitment without ever having sex with the person.

that said, i do think that people generally have sex too EARLY in a relationship. i notice it seems like my generation has become a nation of "friends with benefits" people have sex first, and get to know each other later. then when they start adding everything up and find out they may not be the best match things get complicated because of the feelings that come from sex more than personality/"love"

That's very very true. A lot of women, men too, don't realize that after a woman has sex her brain actually releases "love hormones" for up to a week! These hormones are the same chemicals produced when you fall in love, duh right? Chocolate produces the same effect but on a smaller scale. This is the reason most women can't do the Friend With Benefits thing, the line blurs too easily.

[sun_flower969]

OK now get ready for my complicated reply!

I think that in essence, people should wait (hear me out!!!!!!) here is why!

I fully believe that you evolve together in your sex life. No one ever says "Oh we had sex for the first time and it met all my expectations and wildest dreams..." I think that you can be in love with someone, wait, completely focus on experiencing everything together as a couple and that is the most fulfilling sexual experience.

I also think that people who sleep around a lot are missing out on REAL intimacy. Real intimacy to me is between two people, not a group, not a couple who have an open relationship.. the two of them alone absorbed in each other! (just MY opinion)

Is there room for argument you BET! Did I wait? hehe of course not, do I wish I did... hmmm it would be nice if My H and I were virgins and discovered everything about sex together with only each other in a private and completely fulfilling environment but no that's not what happened.

I believe sex is a basic human need but it is also complicated. Some people can be causal about it. Others get emotionally wrapped up. It is a big deal usually to one of the 2 people involved and that's the one who ends up hurt!

Should people wait til they are "married" maybe not. Should people wait til they get to know each other and feel compatible on other levels YES I believe so.

[littlefriend]

Well, I will probably be the only one to admit that I think it is wrong and you should wait until you are married.

[ladylove]

Interesting topic

Sex before marriage is fine. However, from what I read and have read, I believe couples jump into bed much to quickly to form relationships. A while ago I read an article titled; Don't sleep with him, if you don't want to fall in-love with him or something to that effect, I sent it to all my children. Essentially it said, women build strong attachments to those they have a sexual relationship with even if you start out only wanting to be FWB. I absolutely saw the logic and agree. I also think it's perfectly fine for those of you who decide to wait until marriage to have sex, but think other forms of physical intimacy should be expressed. Again, I read there is a popular resurgence for sexual abstinence before marriage. Their are specific religious orders that demand abstinence in every way, shape and form, and if that is your belief fine, I just don't agree with it. I don't think it's ok to start a marriage never having kissed your to-be mate.

To sum it up, I think a sexual relationship is fine before marriage, just take your time, keeping your eyes wide open to see exactly what your getting yourself into.

If the lower half of your person is screaming louder than your head, buy a toy and take care of yourself until you're sure.

Until then enjoy the chase!

[mystofpric]

To sum it up, I think a sexual relationship is fine before marriage, just take your time, keeping your eyes wide open to see exactly what your getting yourself into.

If the lower half of your person is screaming louder than your head, buy a toy and take care of yourself until you're sure.

Until then enjoy the chase!

Beautifully said!

[ladylove]

Beautifully said!

Thank you Suzy

[chloegirl]

Personally I think the idea behind it is a good one....test drive so to speak because even if you are both inexperienced you have to know if there is enough heat and passion there to grow and explore as the years go by. You usually don't have it mastered yet but if the fire doesn't want to flare into a conflaguration then you should know that this is probably NOT the relationship you will need to be satisfied with for a lifetime and should keep looking no matter how "good" the person is. Not saying that you should be promiscuous...but knowlege is usually more beneficial than being in the dark and hoping for the best. I personally think that people who rush into marriage at a young age today and then start cranking out kids right off the bat is a REALLY bad idea....You really need to give yourself time to grow and discover who you really are in all areas of your life first. The only problem is that having sex first doesn't necessarily mean you still won't end up with a dud....it's still going to come down to how YOU feel about YOURSELF first....you have to be comfortable enough to let go and accept that side of yourself before you can really connect with someone else in every sense of the word...otherwise you will sell yourself short and end up settling for so much less than what you need and deserve and settling sucks your soul dry after a lifetime of it! If you were indoctrinated with that "good girls don't" crap and go into it believing it always turns out like a paperback novel you are probably in for a big disappointment. I think you should take your destiny firmly in hand and sample the buffet first.

[sun_flower969]

The only problem is that having sex first doesn't necessarily mean you still won't end up with a dud....it's still going to come down to how YOU feel about YOURSELF first....you have to be comfortable enough to let go and accept that side of yourself before you can really connect with someone else in every sense of the word...otherwise you will sell yourself short and end up settling for so much less than what you need and deserve and settling sucks your soul dry after a lifetime of it! If you were indoctrinated with that "good girls don't" crap and go into it believing it always turns out like a paperback novel you are probably in for a big disappointment. I think you should take your destiny firmly in hand and sample the buffet first.

Yep! You rock Chloe!

[littlemissnonamegirl]

I grew up being instilled with the values that one must wait to have sex until they are married. That being said I've been in a situation where I've constantly had a struggle with should I wait or should I do it (when I meet someone I really really like?) it's a confusing question, but a great one to bring up. In my own experience, the reason I continue to stick by the waiting until marriage is because the guys I have met have left me or stopped seeing me because I didn't put out soon enough or hang all over them.

I totally do see/agree too, with Suzy and Em's side, about "testing" it as you say. I feel like that sexual relationships are important to grow with one another, along with the emotional aspects. Maybe not knowing is a bad thing? It sure complicates things, that's for sure I don't know what to do.

[ladylove]

I grew up being instilled with the values that one must wait to have sex until they are married. That being said I've been in a situation where I've constantly had a struggle with should I wait or should I do it (when I meet someone I really really like?) it's a confusing question, but a great one to bring up. In my own experience, the reason I continue to stick by the waiting until marriage is because the guys I have met have left me or stopped seeing me because I didn't put out soon enough or hang all over them.

I totally do see/agree too, with Suzy and Em's side, about "testing" it as you say. I feel like that sexual relationships are important to grow with one another, along with the emotional aspects. Maybe not knowing is a bad thing? It sure complicates things, that's for sure I don't know what to do.

If you don't know what to do, you may not be ready to move forward yet. Understand where he stand if your thinking about moving to the next level. for instance if you have sex do you expect to have a monogamous relationship, is he thinking the same. Take your time there's no race. If you do move forward make sure you love him and he loves you. It has always been my opinion that if you have a sexual relationship with someone, you both should love each other and it should be monogamous. And yes it does take the relationship to the next level, but it also binds the two of you in a way. Just make sure, think first!

[square]

I do not think pre-marital sex is sinful or blasphemous. But I am not a very religeous person.

I think there is some merrit to the argument "don't buy the car without a test drive." But there are people who don't test drive and do fine in their married life, and others who test drive and things are swell and they get married, and then their sex life goes to shit. So no guarantees either way.

But I also think it is preferable for the people to like each other a fair bit first. Pregnancy can happen, and if it is from a quick fling and dad is no where to be found, it is just unfortunate all around.

Where people are in their lives also plays a role. In younger days, I would have been more willing to wait if the girl wanted to wait until marriage. If I became unmarried now and started dating, I would not be willing to wait and would not continue dating a girl if she wouldn't have sex after some amount of time. I am getting more selfish in my old age.

[ladylove]

I do not think pre-marital sex is sinful or blasphemous. But I am not a very religeous person.

I think there is some merrit to the argument "don't buy the car without a test drive." But there are people who don't test drive and do fine in their married life, and others who test drive and things are swell and they get married, and then their sex life goes to shit. So no guarantees either way.

But I also think it is preferable for the people to like each other a fair bit first. Pregnancy can happen, and if it is from a quick fling and dad is no where to be found, it is just unfortunate all around.

Where people are in their lives also plays a role. In younger days, I would have been more willing to wait if the girl wanted to wait until marriage. If I became unmarried now and started dating, I would not be willing to wait and would not continue dating a girl if she wouldn't have sex after some amount of time. I am getting more selfish in my old age.

same rules for your daughter?.... not with you obviously you understand what I'm saying don't you.

[square]

same rules for your daughter?....

They're not allowed to date until they're thirty (they're not even ten yet), but otherwise yes, I think so, same rules apply.

I hope they do not become sexually active at too young of an age. And I hope they don't just have casual sex. But I think it is unreasonable to expect them to wait until marriage. With AIDS running around I hope they stay safe. I plan to tell them don't get pregnant, but if you do it's not the end of the world and we'll work through it. I hope they don't have bums for boyfriends. Maybe I'll try to tell them at some point that boys are shitheads who just want to get into their pants, and so to not be so quick to jump into the sack with them. I hope they don't get mixed up with drugs and bad friends.

Honestly, they're still pretty young, and it's tough for me to envision them grown up and dealing with all that mess yet, so I'm sure my thoughts on all this will adjust and gel as time goes on. I don't know how I will feel or react when they start bringing boyfriends home. And despite hearing about it and seeing friends and co-workers go through it, I have no clue as to the hell that their adolescent teenage years will bring. Will just have to deal with these bridges as they come.

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"Hope is not a plan." -- unknown