Need Some Advice Or Feedback

[angelwings]

I'm 29 and I was in a 6yr relationship that ended alittle over a yr ago. My ex was my first lover and I didn't lose my virginity till I was 22. Once this relationship ended it took sometime for me to understand how and when to incorporate sex into a relationship. I had always planned on saving myself for "the one" but since that didn't work out, I found myself lost. My first partner waited 2 yrs before we were intimate. I knew since I had already lost my virginity.....I definitely wouldn't have to wait another 2yrs or so. So I started dating off and on since the breakup. I tried to be smart and only have sex with guys who I thought were serious about being in a relationship with me. I learned the hard way that some guys will date you and tell you things just to sleep with you. So in the past 11 months I've slept with 5 guys. Part of me feels guilty and slutty. Although none of the guys were random or one night stands. My other issue is that I don't enjoy sex. I can't have an orgasm through intercourse. I've recently gotten tired of dating just losers so I made the crazy decision to turn a friendship into friends with benefits. I have known this guy for over 7 months and I've always been attracted to him. I enjoy just being that close with someone.....even if it means we're not going to be in a relationship ever. Part of me still feels this guilt after I have sex with a guy and things go wrong. I'm not even sure I can be just a friend who gives benefits. I feel lost and have no idea what the heck I'm doing. Help!

[shdowulf39]

seems like to me you could use professional help.if you can afford it that is what I would recomend.

[mystofpric]

Hi Darlin!

It sounds like you might want to take a break and just step back. Not everyone can do the friend wirth benes thing. It really is a very hard thing to do. But ultimately here's what you need to realize: you are in no way a slut or whore or anything like that. Sex happens. You were with someone for 6 years and you were in love. Its totally natural. The 5 guys after? You were lost and trying to find yourself again and revalidate yourself. It's called a rebound. You needed to realize that you were still wanted and desired by men. Also totally natural especially after that long of a relationship. Now that you know your still hot you need to get your head back in a place where your happy. This is all a really normal thing. You can still wait and hold out for the one. Just because you slept with one person doesn't mean you have to sleep with any others. Relax hun, your perfectly fine.

Suzy

[Mikayla1]

Oh honey, I know this is a confusing time for you, but let me assure you, you are not a slut and what you are doing - or have done - is not wrong. However, if your FWB relationship is disturbing you, then that may be a clear indication that you do need to step back, as SuzyP suggests, and just think. Yes, there are many men out there who will pave the prim rose path for you, then they sleep with you, and it is over. However, this is certainly not every man, not be a long shot. Women, btw, can do this equally as much.

What I think is that you are looking for love through sex and confusing sex with love. They are different. THere is not one single thing wrong with owning your sexuality. You can be a sexual person, have sex (safe sex, Please) with men whom you like and have fun with. You can date and not have sex. You can try to withhold sex if that is what you want. Sex is sex; love is love. When done together, it is fantastic.

Now, you say you do not enjoy sex and have never orgasmed through intercourse. Well, first off, do you masturbate? Getting to know your body, how it reacts, what you like, etc is essential for enjoying sex! If you can't enjoy your body, then no one can make you. Most women (upwords of 85% of all women) need clitoral stimulation during intercourse to orgasm. I.e. touching your clit during sex. So, try that. Also, I would suggest just getting comfortable with yourself and masturbation in general. This will help you be more comfortable with sex.

I wish you the best of luck. I think that you need to figure out what you want and how you want to get that goal. Dating is a wonderful way to meet people. It can be wonderful, and remember, you do not have to sleep with every guy you date - but if you do, be safe and take ownership of those feelings and those choices!

[angelwings]

thank you so much for your responses. I am definitely too hard on myself so its good to hear that what I'm doing isn't too crazy. I am taking a step back and really looking at what I'm doing and feeling. I think after being with someone for 6yrs I just miss being close with someone. I really just need to work on myself and not always try to find a guy to fill some void in my life. I do masturbate and enjoy it. Usually a guy can get me to orgasm if he stimulates my clitoris. I feel bad because guys feel like they are bad in bed because they couldn't get me to orgasm. I try to explain to them but most don't get it. Anywho.....thank you for you support and your words of wisdom. I really needed to hear this stuff.

[Craftylady]

thank you so much for your responses. I am definitely too hard on myself so its good to hear that what I'm doing isn't too crazy. I am taking a step back and really looking at what I'm doing and feeling. I think after being with someone for 6yrs I just miss being close with someone. I really just need to work on myself and not always try to find a guy to fill some void in my life. I do masturbate and enjoy it. Usually a guy can get me to orgasm if he stimulates my clitoris. I feel bad because guys feel like they are bad in bed because they couldn't get me to orgasm. I try to explain to them but most don't get it. Anywho.....thank you for you support and your words of wisdom. I really needed to hear this stuff.

You're just normal!!

The clitoris is your equivalent to his penis. Think of it that way. Can you imagine a guy trying to have an orgasm without direct stimulation to his penis?

I don't THINK so.

So we ladies do have a couple ways to reach orgasm, but IMO (no, I'm no Sexpert but pretty well experienced older lady) it almost always centers around stimulation of our clit. Just the way we are built.

The reason those guys didn't get it is because they didn't know. You probably didn't realize you have the freedom and right (and responsibility, really) to explain it to them, to show them what you need and what you like.

I totally agree with what Mikayla and Suzy said. Relax a bit and enjoy your time. Get to know your body intimately. Learn what you like. Then, the next relationship you have, you can show him exactly what you like and what it takes to bring you to orgasm.

My best to you.

[sass]

The others have pretty much said it, just let me add, I had a FWB for about 3 years. It is hard to keep emotions in-check with this, but for me and him, it worked. There were times we had to take a break from each other when things started to get too emotional, but I think it all comes down to the people involved and what they can handle. Having a FWB in no way makes you a slut. It makes you a woman who needs physical closeness without the complications of committment. At the time, I could not handle a committment. I did not want one either. He was in the same situation.

Do what works for you. Be safe, physically and emotionally, and be happy.

[sun_flower969]

Great advice here already! But I will tell you I was the same way!!! I didnt have an orgasm during intercourse til I was 38 freakin years old!! So you not alone!! You are in the right place!!!

A couple things might help you. I know for me I have trouble with my self esteem, it was MUCH worse when I was younger. It was hard for me to relax and fully enjoy myself during sex. So there was a kind of wall there that held me back.

If you can relax as much as possible it helps. If you fully trust your partner it helps immensely!!! Being with new men is very exciting but also there is that trust factor that could be missing and sort of forcing you to be more inhibited. At least for me it was!!!

Try to focus on the feelings, what he's doing, the acts, how arousing they are... it helps me to take the focus off myself! You know like "ugh my stomach is gross or do I sound dumb..." maybe this isn't an issue for you... but anyway just thought I'd share!

Best wishes to you and WELCOME!!

[jhard]

Oh Miss Angelwings,

You have been very open about your situation, which I think is a step towards getting it in a direction more to your liking. You say that you do not enjoy sex very much. From what I know about women (most limited) I think that it is hard for woman to seperate sexual enjoyment from love. It is a fair bit easier for guys to seperate the two, but even for guys it takes the love part to close the circle to where satisfaction is complete.

Personally, I do not think that you need professionsal help. Save your money. Keep going to your job or school or whatever it is you do and perhaps consider putting this fwb on hold if you can and just pause while you figure out who you have always wanted to be, and still intend to be. Don't ever give up on that! When you find a guy who really loves you then release yourself and let your passion flow, do not hold back. When a woman holds back at this point she starts robbing from her sincere man that which was meant to be.

The porno world we live in has created or sired so many insincere assholes that I truly believe it is hard for a woman to pick out the man who is true. Since my youth I have thought it wrong to mislead a lady knowingly for temporary satisfaction only to leave her "lost" and feeling like a "slut".

Wishing you all the best,

j

[sass]

... It is a fair bit easier for guys to seperate the two, but even for guys it takes the love part to close the circle to where satisfaction is complete.

..

I love that statement.

MS