Bdsm Assistance.

[Shaka]

Taken from an earlier thread I posted in:

Im a bit new to BDSM. I began seeing a new woman about 4 months ago and we've dabbled to a varying degree here and there.

She came into it at a young age...around 18 or so and it was her first sexual experience. She was with a guy who was into it and nothing else. Apparently it got rather rough and bad and she began fearing the guy. so she left him about 5 years ago or so.

I myself have never been into it (just got out of an 8 year marriage with a dead fish) but she's been trying to introduce me to it a little at a time...kinda.

Now, I enjoy it a lot. When we do it we kinda go back and forth with the domination and its nothing to heavy...but maybe I can get some tips from the more experienced folk cause she wants it heavier and I'm at a loss...

I want to please. Thats my thing. Whatever she wants, I'll do (she's the exact same way so sex is wonderful!) but when it comes to bondage and some role playing she leaves me hanging...pun totally intended...

What I mean by that is, well, Ive NEVER done anything like this before and she's not really showing me the ropes...another pun...lol

She says "You know what you want to do so just fucking do it!" Well, I DONT! I mean, it's like dancing for the first time with a girl...remember that? It's kinda scary. More performance anxiety than anything, really.

She was with this guy who trained her over the course of a year or so. I've had nothing and no one to show me the ropes...but I'm supposed to run before I even walk or crawl! Do you see where I'm coming from? This is difficult for me because, as I said, I love to please. As long as she's having a good time I dont care to much about myself getting off. BUT last night was hard for me cause, I feel, like I failed her. I just could not do it.

I cant be mean to her. I cant lead her around. I cant make her do things...I feel bad doing it! Is that fucked up or what? I know it's role playing. I know its a game...but I cant bring myself to do it...at least not yet. Not to the extent she wants me to.

Here's another problem. We switched roles for a while (I found out later it was so she could show me what she wanted)...I giggled and I laughed and I could not help it! The fuck!

Please, PLEASE any help would be appreciated!!!!!!

She wants this and needs this and I want to provide it. Im comfortable with the idea of BDSM and, like Ive said, Ive enjoyed the little we've done, but she wants more and I need help.

Thanks in advance.

Regards

Me.

[DrKitten]

I cant be mean to her. I cant lead her around. I cant make her do things...I feel bad doing it! Is that fucked up or what? I know it's role playing. I know its a game...but I cant bring myself to do it...at least not yet. Not to the extent she wants me to.

This indicates to me that BDSM may just not be for you. Either that or your relationship is just not at the point where you're comfortable enough to do these things. BDSM is something that you're into almost instinctively, or it takes a lot of trust, communication, and warming up to it gradually before getting into the hardcore stuff.

Talk to her and let her know that you need some patience and guidance. It's great that you're generous and eager to please, but this is a very new world to you and you need to go at your own pace. If she genuinely likes you, she will be happy to teach you the ropes at your own speed.

After some time, you'll either get into it or just feel the same hesitation as you do now. And that's fine, it's not for everyone. But if that happens, you'll have to bring this up to her, and decide together if you want to compromise or find other people more suited for yourselves.

[shdowulf39]

you said it yourself......she was trained over the course of time......have her give you the same respect.also in the bdsm lifestyle your only hindered by your imagination.....the 3 most important aspects in this type of relationship are.....trust....communication....and having a safe word/gesture.

so start with communication....let her know you need some guidance,and a little patience.also in this lifestyle it's just like any other.not everyone is suited for everyone.so even though you might fined her appealing and fasinating....she might not be right for you.

good luck

[Sunday]

I cant be mean to her. I cant lead her around. I cant make her do things...I feel bad doing it! Is that fucked up or what? I know it's role playing. I know its a game...but I cant bring myself to do it...at least not yet. Not to the extent she wants me to.

Try to keep in mind you are playing a role (that's why they call it role playing ). For a few moments, it's not 100% you, it's someone else. It's not who she wants you to be all the time, just for a little while.

I want to please. That's my thing. Whatever she wants, I'll do (she's the exact same way so sex is wonderful!) but when it comes to bondage and some role playing she leaves me hanging...pun totally intended...

Read some erotica written by women to get some ideas of what you might do.

[Mikayla1]

OK, I am very experienced in BDSM. I was in a 7-year relationship with a man who groomed me to be his perfect 'slave' or 'sub.' I also worked in a BDSM club as a DOM, sometimes a sub, so I know a thing or two.

OK, first, I am assuming she wants you to be the DOM (dominant one) in the relationship? You mention that she said, 'you know what you want to do, so just fucking do it' - that makes me think that she is comfortable being the subsevient one.

BDSM is not 'easy' to do. It is not something that everyone is comfortable with. IT may not be something for you. It may not be something that you can easily do. I understand that you want to please her, but the fact is, if you are not comfortable it will not be a pleasing experience for you.

Perhaps it would be wise to sit down and ask her, literarally, what she wants. What type of BDSM is she looking for? Is she into bondage? Is she just looking for sensation play? Try to figure out what she wants and if it is something you are comfortable with. The thing is, she was groomed by a DOM - that sort of thing sticks with you. Believe me. It does. You crave it. You need it. You want it. Unfortunately, not everyone is built to do it.

What she is saying to you when she says 'you know what you want to do' is that she wants you to sort of 'run things' - make yourself feel good by using her. This is common with subs. However, if you are not very imaginative about sex, this will be hard.

I suggest you not only have a conversation with her, but also read my articles on BDSM in the article / tip section of the site. This will answer A LOT of questions as well as let you in on what BDSM is. Then, if you have more specific questions, you can ask!

[Unfaisp09]

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[KateElizabeth]

It sounds to me like a problem you may be having is that you both tend to be sub and there is no dom in the relationship. She is wanting you to be something you simply are not. I can not play the dom role, myself, leading my partner or telling him what to do. I need to be told/shown what to do.The fact that she wants you to 'know" what you want to do and to simply do it speaks to me of that, too.

It is not reasonable to expect a person to "run before they walk". This woman may have been taught, herself, but she doesn't seem to be much of a teacher. I agree that you need to sit down together and have some serious conversation about what is or is not comfortable or known at this point.