Members ladylove Posted March 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 I just read an article that stated:~ There's a low desire spouse and a high desire spouse when it comes to sex - and there's one of each in every marriage.Here's how it works: 1. The high desire spouse makes most, if not all, of the overtures and initiations for sex. 2. The low desire spouse decided which of the sexual overtures he or she will respond to. 3. Which determines when sex happens. Giving the low desire spouse de facto control of sex - whether he or she wants it or not.The above makes sense. In the beginning of our relationship DH had the higher sex drive and he did most of the initiating. At some point it became more equal, evolving to now. Initiation's great if you have a receptive partner, disappointing (at best) when the initiator is constantly shot down, and yes the lower sex drive person most definitely controls the amount of sex in the relationship. After many, many years of being turned away, I told DH I will not initiate anymore, it's all up to him now. He has to in some way let me know he's available and then I will either initiate or wait for him. He's fine with that, happy with the frequency he controls, me not so much. He thinks everything is honky dory because he remembers to have sex when he notices our cleaning crew has come. I have not left anything to chance, letting DH know this is not enough. However.... he's to busy, to stressed, to tired, to ...... and it seems it's becoming less and less as the years progress.I do have a some solace in that this board is proof I'm not the only women who is the higher sex drive partner in their relationship. However being in this situation can still be isolating in other ways. Especially with all the socially common place thought and jokes, around the idea, wives never want to have sex or be intimate etc., it is unthinkable to even consider the reverse, for obvious reasons. Higher sex driven Women, and lower sex driven Men how have you dealt with this in your own relationships? Have you come to the understanding that sex nights are T-TH-S, like it or not, do you leave it to chance, what do you do? What are the coping mechanims you have used and how has this effected you and your relationship? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WendyNY Posted March 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 LL--This is a great topic !! There is usually one of each in every relationship. Although sometimes it varies and goes back and forth depending on the day or month etc.... I have the higher sex drive now. Sometimes if I'm not in the mood and my husband is--I will still give him pleasure even if I don't want to cum. He usually returns the favor when I'm in the mood and he's not. It's give and take. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 4, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 LL--This is a great topic !! There is usually one of each in every relationship. Although sometimes it varies and goes back and forth depending on the day or month etc.... I have the higher sex drive now. Sometimes if I'm not in the mood and my husband is--I will still give him pleasure even if I don't want to cum. He usually returns the favor when I'm in the mood and he's not. It's give and take.Thanks! I hope we get loads of input.Satisfying each other is the way it should be, however I'm not sure this is the norm. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ReadyToMoveOn Posted March 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 When I was married, I always had a higher Sex Drive than my Ex... But I always found a way to get her in the mood...Now Divorced, and in a Long Distance Relationship, I try not to think of Sex too often...However, when I am with my GF, we are both highly driven towards SEX...But that may due to time we have been without SEX, so its hard to judge...But Ive always had a fairly high SEX drive... And Yes, I agree, the person with the lower SEX Drive seems to determine when SEX is permitted... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members square Posted March 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Despite the jokes about the woman never wanting sex, wasn't it Mrs Roper in Three's Company who most often showed interest, and Mr Roper rebuffing her? Also in Married With Children, wasn't it Peg who usually showed more interest than Al? (At least with Al and Peg; Al with all the other hot women on the show it was another story.)If it is the man with the lower sex drive, it almost has to be him to control the frequency since he needs to get and sustain an erection. As for preselecting days to doink, if you're not in the mood you're not in the mood, calendar be damned.I can appreciate the "too stressed" and "too tired" aspects. As the main bread winner, it falls to me to make sure the bills get paid. And to deal with the daily grind of a commute, and the job stress that doesn't end at 5:00 or cuz it's a weekend. It falls to me to make sure the cars and the house and the yard are maintained. I'm the one who gets to stay up, alone, till 2:00 in the morning doing a poor job at playing Mr. Plumber to fix a leak, because in the morning there will be a house full of people needing to flush the toilet. Or up on a latter in a hurricane cleaning gutters cuz the rain is backing up into the living room. And on and on, yada yada blah blah blah.Bottom line, the stress and tiredness are real and take a toll.What do I do about it? Try to get more sleep, but that rarely works out. Try to leave work at work. Set some time aside for myself to veg, for my own sanity. Don't masturbate unless it's rag time of the month. Sleep naked sometimes, because the feel of sheets on nakedness makes me horny; but the stress and tiredness of the next day can erase the effects by bedtime. Both of us are usually tired enough by bedtime that sacrificing sex for sleep on any given night is not a terrible sacrifice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 4, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 Despite the jokes about the woman never wanting sex, wasn't it Mrs Roper in Three's Company who most often showed interest, and Mr Roper rebuffing her? Also in Married With Children, wasn't it Peg who usually showed more interest than Al? (At least with Al and Peg; Al with all the other hot women on the show it was another story.)If it is the man with the lower sex drive, it almost has to be him to control the frequency since he needs to get and sustain an erection. As for preselecting days to doink, if you're not in the mood you're not in the mood, calendar be damned.I can appreciate the "too stressed" and "too tired" aspects. As the main bread winner, it falls to me to make sure the bills get paid. And to deal with the daily grind of a commute, and the job stress that doesn't end at 5:00 or cuz it's a weekend. It falls to me to make sure the cars and the house and the yard are maintained. I'm the one who gets to stay up, alone, till 2:00 in the morning doing a poor job at playing Mr. Plumber to fix a leak, because in the morning there will be a house full of people needing to flush the toilet. Or up on a latter in a hurricane cleaning gutters cuz the rain is backing up into the living room. And on and on, yada yada blah blah blah.Bottom line, the stress and tiredness are real and take a toll.What do I do about it? Try to get more sleep, but that rarely works out. Try to leave work at work. Set some time aside for myself to veg, for my own sanity. Don't masturbate unless it's rag time of the month. Sleep naked sometimes, because the feel of sheets on nakedness makes me horny; but the stress and tiredness of the next day can erase the effects by bedtime. Both of us are usually tired enough by bedtime that sacrificing sex for sleep on any given night is not a terrible sacrifice.I did forget about Mrs. Roper from three's company, but never watched Married with children, I think getting into a discussion about who does what and how much is counterproductive and leave it at that. The direct point to your response is what about the relationship? Does it suffer? Are both parties content? Ect.. If both are content, then it works for you, but what if they're not both content? what if one is struggling because of it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mailahn97 Posted March 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 With us we both have a high sex drive. In fact we joke about wondering which one of us is higher. We both have had partners that were on the low side so it is nice to have an equal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WendyNY Posted March 4, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 I did forget about Mrs. Roper from three's company, but never watched Married with children, I loved "Three's Company" and I loved "Married with Children". Peg in Married with Children constantly wanted sex. Al would do everything he could to get out of it. Although it always showed him getting all excited over OTHER hot women (and Peg was pretty hot --but she was his WIFE so he didn't usually view her that way) I found a clip that I hadn't seen before--It actually shows Al getting horny and wanting sex from Peg (and she is complaining about it !) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 4, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted March 4, 2012 I loved "Three's Company" and I loved "Married with Children". Peg in Married with Children constantly wanted sex. Al would do everything he could to get out of it. Although it always showed him getting all excited over OTHER hot women (and Peg was pretty hot --but she was his WIFE so he didn't usually view her that way) I found a clip that I hadn't seen before--It actually shows Al getting horny and wanting sex from Peg (and she is complaining about it !) To much fun! Thanks Wendy... looks like an 80's show Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members chloegirl Posted March 5, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 5, 2012 The power thing is so true! It is frustrating but I guess maybe to be expected that as the years go by age, stress, and daily life may lessen that intense "gotta have you now!" drive but if you still make time for each other with some occasional QUALITY sex you can still deal with and accept that. But when you have a high drive and you basically are never getting it or if they deign to give in and it is always one of those "hurry up, I want to get off quick" interludes where they really don't seem to care if you are aroused or finished then you get to the point where the constant frustration will kill any desire you feel for them at all. Sometimes communication doesn't solve the problems. Anger and resentment WILL build up and all the other little annoying things that are there in every relationship will start to seem that much more pronounced as well. If you're not careful eventually all intimacy and little gestures of affection will stop. And that's when you have a big decision to make. Stay in a sexless marriage (and there seems to be an astonishing amount of people who do), find some other way to divert your needs, or leave. Having hot, passionate, erotic sex with someone who shares your high drive and excitement is awesome! But so is just lying next to each other, holding, caressing, touching, and talking! It's all about sharing and giving! If you at least have that you can weather the storms! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 8, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 The power thing is so true! It is frustrating but I guess maybe to be expected that as the years go by age, stress, and daily life may lessen that intense "gotta have you now!" drive but if you still make time for each other with some occasional QUALITY sex you can still deal with and accept that. But when you have a high drive and you basically are never getting it or if they deign to give in and it is always one of those "hurry up, I want to get off quick" interludes where they really don't seem to care if you are aroused or finished then you get to the point where the constant frustration will kill any desire you feel for them at all. Sometimes communication doesn't solve the problems. Anger and resentment WILL build up and all the other little annoying things that are there in every relationship will start to seem that much more pronounced as well. If you're not careful eventually all intimacy and little gestures of affection will stop. And that's when you have a big decision to make. Stay in a sexless marriage (and there seems to be an astonishing amount of people who do), find some other way to divert your needs, or leave. Having hot, passionate, erotic sex with someone who shares your high drive and excitement is awesome! But so is just lying next to each other, holding, caressing, touching, and talking! It's all about sharing and giving! If you at least have that you can weather the storms!I agree with all you've written. However, Holding, touching, talking, caressing is beautiful but only goes so far. When there is little actual sexual intimacy wouldn't you (meant generically) get frustrating and wouldn't the anger and resentment leak in and kill the joy of the holding, touching etc..? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sunday Posted March 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 I can relate so well LL. I've had two relationships in which my SO never initiated. It was all up to me. With one I think she was so afraid of rejection that she wouldn't initiate anything. She wouldn't even choose a restaurant when we went out. With the other I believe it is about power. She is a very complicated, insecure person and I think needs the power. I do believe she got some satisfaction from saying "no." I felt so rejected and so unwanted that I stopped initiating sex with her. It's been about 2 1/2 years ago and she has been a different, much less confident, much less happy person and I think it is because I took her power away from her. I get the feeling that she feels like it is beneath her to lower herself to actually behaving as if she likes sex.My FWB has a higher drive than I do. Because of my experience I make sure I'm cheerfully available when she wants me. I may not be totally into it every time, but she'll never know that. I don't want anyone to feel the way I did.Come to think of it, some of my FWB's drive may be my fault. I love to tell her how sexy she is, talk about what she's wearing (and what she's wearing under it LOL) We enjoy celebrating being sexual beings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 8, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 I can relate so well LL. I've had two relationships in which my SO never initiated. It was all up to me. With one I think she was so afraid of rejection that she wouldn't initiate anything. She wouldn't even choose a restaurant when we went out. With the other I believe it is about power. She is a very complicated, insecure person and I think needs the power. I do believe she got some satisfaction from saying "no." I felt so rejected and so unwanted that I stopped initiating sex with her. It's been about 2 1/2 years ago and she has been a different, much less confident, much less happy person and I think it is because I took her power away from her. I get the feeling that she feels like it is beneath her to lower herself to actually behaving as if she likes sex.My FWB has a higher drive than I do. Because of my experience I make sure I'm cheerfully available when she wants me. I may not be totally into it every time, but she'll never know that. I don't want anyone to feel the way I did.Come to think of it, some of my FWB's drive may be my fault. I love to tell her how sexy she is, talk about what she's wearing (and what she's wearing under it LOL) We enjoy celebrating being sexual beings.Your right I think some of it is about power, and it can be very distressing. I'm glad you have your special friend to celebrate life and your sexuality. And, it does wonders tell your partner (her/him) how wonderfully sexy they are, as you do. Good for you Sunday! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WendyNY Posted March 8, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 I just have to share something---I was telling my husband about this thread. I told him that some people/ couples spoke of having sex EVERY DAY--He just looked at me -he was so serious and he said "With EACH OTHER ??????" I laughed and laughed.....OMG..... I told him---Yes-- couples having sex EVERY DAY WITH EACH OTHER !!!!! Imagine that...... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 8, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted March 8, 2012 I just have to share something---I was telling my husband about this thread. I told him that some people/ couples spoke of having sex EVERY DAY--He just looked at me -he was so serious and he said "With EACH OTHER ??????" I laughed and laughed.....OMG..... I told him---Yes-- couples having sex EVERY DAY WITH EACH OTHER !!!!! Imagine that......That's hysterical! I have to thank you for my morning laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members amberlin Posted March 27, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 27, 2012 i can so relate to this post. i have the higher sex drive in our relationship, and it can be very frustrating. (i'm 25 he's 31) we have been together since i was 18, and i can never get him to have sex more than once a week. i felt like i have tried everything... "date nite" worked for a while, but sometimes sex isnt fun if its planned... what i find has been working for me recently is to just "accidentally" take off my shirt and spread my legs i get his attention real quick and he knows for sure what i want. not really romantic, but i get what i want and he likes my confidence (not easy for me to achieve, btw) with my boyfriend... he can be kinda absent-minded when it comes to sex, and ive stopped beating around the bush... i like sex, and i like it often, so he needs to know. its weird that when he initiates, (rarely) i dont want sex as much... i think i like being the one to initiate? i dunno, like a powertrip sorta? im innocent and shy in the outside world, but i would like to have the power to turn on my bf at anytime... however, when i super confidently ask for sex, and he still doesnt want sex, it hurts so much more than if i were to just timidly ask if he wanted to go to bed with me... i wish we could find a happy medium... i dont think our sex drives will ever be equal, but that sure would be fun if he could keep up with me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ReadyToMoveOn Posted March 28, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 i can so relate to this post. i have the higher sex drive in our relationship, and it can be very frustrating. (i'm 25 he's 31) we have been together since i was 18, and i can never get him to have sex more than once a week.i felt like i have tried everything... "date nite" worked for a while, but sometimes sex isnt fun if its planned... what i find has been working for me recently is to just "accidentally" take off my shirt and spread my legs i get his attention real quick and he knows for sure what i want. not really romantic, but i get what i want and he likes my confidence (not easy for me to achieve, btw)with my boyfriend... he can be kinda absent-minded when it comes to sex, and ive stopped beating around the bush... i like sex, and i like it often, so he needs to know. its weird that when he initiates, (rarely) i dont want sex as much... i think i like being the one to initiate? i dunno, like a powertrip sorta? im innocent and shy in the outside world, but i would like to have the power to turn on my bf at anytime...however, when i super confidently ask for sex, and he still doesnt want sex, it hurts so much more than if i were to just timidly ask if he wanted to go to bed with me... i wish we could find a happy medium...i dont think our sex drives will ever be equal, but that sure would be fun if he could keep up with meI am not a therapist by any means, but you really need to do something here...Sex only once a week, and youve only been together 6-7 years...And youre complaining now, it will only become worse if not corrected...I was married for over 20 years, at no point in My marriage did my Ex and I ever become so bored or un interested in Sex did we fall to having Sex only once per week... Our issues were never in the bedroom, it was more of communications outside of the bedroom...But if you feel youre having issues now, you need to address these issues... Sex is a very important factor in any relationship, regardless of how often it occurs, thus the reason why you're stating your thoughts here now...You need an open dialogue, and Sex should be the topic of choice... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ladylove Posted March 28, 2012 Author Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 i can so relate to this post. i have the higher sex drive in our relationship, and it can be very frustrating. (i'm 25 he's 31) we have been together since i was 18, and i can never get him to have sex more than once a week.i felt like i have tried everything... "date nite" worked for a while, but sometimes sex isnt fun if its planned... what i find has been working for me recently is to just "accidentally" take off my shirt and spread my legs i get his attention real quick and he knows for sure what i want. not really romantic, but i get what i want and he likes my confidence (not easy for me to achieve, btw)with my boyfriend... he can be kinda absent-minded when it comes to sex, and ive stopped beating around the bush... i like sex, and i like it often, so he needs to know. its weird that when he initiates, (rarely) i dont want sex as much... i think i like being the one to initiate? i dunno, like a powertrip sorta? im innocent and shy in the outside world, but i would like to have the power to turn on my bf at anytime...however, when i super confidently ask for sex, and he still doesnt want sex, it hurts so much more than if i were to just timidly ask if he wanted to go to bed with me... i wish we could find a happy medium...i dont think our sex drives will ever be equal, but that sure would be fun if he could keep up with meIs this how it's been since the beginning? If so I believe you knew what you were getting into and perhaps closed your eyes to it. If you want it to change and you haven't had success so far you have a couple of choices.1. Deal with it you knew what you were getting into2. Therapy3. leaveHard line to take but I can't think anymore choices.I believe your situation may different. Not better or worse, just different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members amberlin Posted March 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 29, 2012 unfortunatly our relationship has always been like this... our lives together outside the bedroom is great, the only problem for me is sex. we recently opened up about to each other about private time (masturbating) and we both do it alone everyday... i would rather have sex with him, but i think he just really loves porn and mastrbating by himself. when it comes down to it i think he is lazy... porn is so easy, and he has a huge collection. im open for anything, and he just doesnt really care. ehhhh... ive thought about leaving him, but he is my best friend. i just need to decide what is most important for me. after i get my degree and finally can afford to live on my own, he might get the boot i dont think he will change, we have talked about this since we have been together, so i might have to move on. too many fish in the sea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members amberlin Posted March 29, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 29, 2012 unfortunatly our relationship has always been like this... our lives together outside the bedroom is great, the only problem for me is sex. we recently opened up about to each other about private time (masturbating) and we both do it alone everyday... i would rather have sex with him, but i think he just really loves porn and mastrbating by himself. when it comes down to it i think he is lazy... porn is so easy, and he has a huge collection. im open for anything, and he just doesnt really care. ehhhh... ive thought about leaving him, but he is my best friend. i just need to decide what is most important for me. after i get my degree and finally can afford to live on my own, he might get the boot i dont think he will change, we have talked about this since we have been together, so i might have to move on. too many fish in the sea! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ReadyToMoveOn Posted March 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2012 unfortunatly our relationship has always been like this... our lives together outside the bedroom is great, the only problem for me is sex. we recently opened up about to each other about private time (masturbating) and we both do it alone everyday... i would rather have sex with him, but i think he just really loves porn and mastrbating by himself. when it comes down to it i think he is lazy... porn is so easy, and he has a huge collection. im open for anything, and he just doesnt really care. ehhhh... ive thought about leaving him, but he is my best friend. i just need to decide what is most important for me. after i get my degree and finally can afford to live on my own, he might get the boot i dont think he will change, we have talked about this since we have been together, so i might have to move on. too many fish in the sea!Sorry to hear this Peachy...Sex is an important part of any relationship, and it must be discussed openly and often to find mutual ground...If your SO is unwilling, then I believe your relationship will be difficult...But its just from what I have lived through, I have no formal education on this matter...Good luck to you... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members amberlin Posted April 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 1, 2012 i agree, i wish it could work out.thanks for everyone's imput! feels so good to vent on these forums! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members booboo130 Posted April 30, 2012 Members Report Share Posted April 30, 2012 I definately have the higher sex drive in the relationship. My wife and I have been together for over 20 years. We used to have sex all the time but then kids and work started getting in the way. Since July I have been put on a diet by my doctor and have lost weight and my sex drive has really kicked in. I literally want sex a few times a day. I believe it has to do with the amount of protein I eat every day. I easily masturbate twice a day and sometimes three or four times.The problem is I work an afternoon shift and my wife works in the morning. I start working when she is getting off work. It can be difficult to have good quality time for sex. On our days off we try to have sex as much as possible. What bothers me is when we are off together she and she is tired and not in the mood. If I am working on a Friday night she has no problem going out with her friends until midnight or later but if I am off and we stay home she is in bed by ten and wants to go to sleep.When I am off and she works I try to initiate sex as soon as she gets home and before our daughter gets home from school. I also try to initiate it if I am working in the afternoon and she is off by detting her going in the morning.What bothers me is when I want to take my time and enjoy the experience and she seems like she wants to get it over with. It really starts to bother me as we do not get a lot of time together. I want to enjoy her and the sex time we get.Boo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members WendyNY Posted May 1, 2012 Members Report Share Posted May 1, 2012 I definately have the higher sex drive in the relationship. My wife and I have been together for over 20 years. We used to have sex all the time but then kids and work started getting in the way. Since July I have been put on a diet by my doctor and have lost weight and my sex drive has really kicked in. I literally want sex a few times a day. I believe it has to do with the amount of protein I eat every day. I easily masturbate twice a day and sometimes three or four times.The problem is I work an afternoon shift and my wife works in the morning. I start working when she is getting off work. It can be difficult to have good quality time for sex. On our days off we try to have sex as much as possible. What bothers me is when we are off together she and she is tired and not in the mood. If I am working on a Friday night she has no problem going out with her friends until midnight or later but if I am off and we stay home she is in bed by ten and wants to go to sleep.When I am off and she works I try to initiate sex as soon as she gets home and before our daughter gets home from school. I also try to initiate it if I am working in the afternoon and she is off by detting her going in the morning.What bothers me is when I want to take my time and enjoy the experience and she seems like she wants to get it over with. It really starts to bother me as we do not get a lot of time together. I want to enjoy her and the sex time we get.BooYes Boo---you have quite the sex drive !!! (and here I was happy with MAYBE once a week ! Sometimes it's more--My husband doesn't have as high of a sex drive any more.I can understand being a little upset when you do have time to be together and she can't stay up (but is able to go out in the evenings. )That must be very frustrating.My husband worked second shift for most of the years we were married. It makes it difficult and you try to pack everything in one weekend when you are able to be together.It's nice that you do want to take your time and "enjoy her" as you put it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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