Finally Lost The "v" Card...

[Ashleigh8993]

Ok, So I'm sure this question has been asked in here somewhere before, I scrolled back a few questions and didn't see anything similar, so I'm sorry if this is a "re-post" here... here's the story:

My boyfriend and I after dating for three years recently had sex for the first time together. (It was the very first time for both of us ever actually) Originally we had decided before we were together, being raised in fairly conservative families, that we would wait until marriage to have sex. Well, we decided that if it happened, it happened, and duh, it happened.

I don't really know how to handle it all though. I am quite aware of my body and what I like and what I don't like but dont think he ever really took time to "explore" himself (yeah he masturbates, but I don't think he ever really thought much about it. dont know how to really word what I'm thinking.. but you get the point I'm sure) Moving on!

I think he must have performance anxiety or something.. we've had sex I'd guess about 15 times or so already... but I always have to take the top (which I dont mind, I get to where I'm going and all) but I want him to be more comfortable and to take more control. I've gotten him to take the top for a litle bit but then he just kind of thrusts his hips around awkwardly.... He doesnt take criticism on this subject very well, I say anything at all on the subject and he automatically clams up and declares " I suck at sex. I know I do"

I've tried watching porn with him and commenting on the scenes like "oh.. maybe we should try to do that next time" or "That's something I'd like to try, what do you think" but it doesn't seem to click with him....

I dont want my sex life to consist of me on top ALL the time doing "all the work" while he just lays there. I need advice on how to handle this! Are there "sex ed" videos or what do you all recommend?

Thanks in advance.

Ashley

[whiskeywoman]

Wow, there are several issues here that need to be adressed.

you tell him "we should try this or that" while watching porn, and he doesn't get the hint

Rule 1 of ANY relationship SEXUAL OR NOT is lots and lots of open, honest, communication, hints and closed ended statements are not exactly what I would consider good communication.

Secondly, he says he sucks at sex, DUH!

You two have had sex a dozen times and your both expecting to perform like seasoned vets?

Sorry hon, ain't gonna happen, yes its true that sex is a natural act, but, no one is born a natural.

You complain that he always wants you on top,

well, the big problem here is once people find a certain position that they are confortable with and that they derive the most pleasure from, they tend to stick with it.

If you want things to change in the bedroom, then you both need to sit down with your clothes on and at a neutral area, like the kitchen table, no tv, no porn going on in the background, and talk, find out what he wants, tell him what you want, find out his feelings about toys being brought into your sex play, a toy like the one I just recieved might be a good way for you to find out what turns him on, and he can use it on you to find out what spots to touch and tease on you.

If you try and talk to him after sex or before sex or while watching a porn, nothing is going to click, the mind is off somewhere else instead of fully concentrating on the message.

Look, simply put, you two have a looooong way to go to get to the semi good stuff, and if you want to get good,you two need lots and lots of TRUST, OPEN, HONEST COMMUNICATION and lots of PRACTICE.

Ok, heres your homework assignment, get a pen and paper, write this down, there WILL be a test later.

first, sit down and have a talk with your man, carve out a 2 hour chunk of time where your both awake, and not on your way to or from work and not in danger of being called in, turn on the machine if you have to, or take the phone off the hook.

Second, BOTH OF YOU read this article, http://www.tootimid.com/sex_education/sex_...tions_guide.htm

Find a position you BOTH like the sounds of, try it, it may take a few times to get it right, keep practicing till you do.

And last but not least, this is the most fun and most nerve racking of em all.

set aside 1 night this week, lay in bed naked with your partner, lay face to face and spend the entire night kissing and touching each other, NO SEX, you can touch anywhere you want, you can kiss anywhere you want, but no penetration.

now, when you are doing this I want you to LISTEN!

Listen to his breathing, his sounds etc, this will tell you what you are doing right.

Best of Luck

Whiskey

[Ashleigh8993]

17 views and nobody has any advice? Oh boy! I'm doomed!

[whiskeywoman]

"17 views and nobody has any advice? Oh boy! I'm doomed!"

With this kind of mindset, your right you are.

Some people only open a thread to mark it as being read, or some folks have no advice to offer.

Give em a minute to think it over and answer you.

[Ashleigh8993]

I know, I'm not expecting things to be great right off the bat. I guess I didn't really word my post all that well.

I know things are going to be pretty bad for the first bunch of times, my problem is that he doesn't seem to really care, he is just fine saying he sucks and leaving it at that. He doesn't want to really talk about it past that. I'm really looking for advice on how to approach the situation.

Thanks Whiskey for the link, I actually read that from the tootimid newsletter. I'll send it to him to check out too though. We have a couple board games and stuff we had bought for foreplay prior to having sex that we just never used the sex position cards, I'll bust those back out too....

And thanks howard for the link as well... I'll check that website out now!

[ambrelyn]

You also need to let him know when he's doing something right. Don't let it all be critical. I wish you'd this, or can we that... Of course he thinks he sucks. Guys are VERY sensitive when it comes to their performance. You have to let him know what he's doing that drives you crazy, trust me, he'll do more of it. At least it works with my guy, and he is super sensitive about his performance, because he was told by his abusive former wife, that he was horrible in bed, not big enough, etc etc. So I focus on the positive. I say things like, you know what really drives me crazy, or this is my most sensitive spot, or that move you do feels so incredible. Lots of praise is important, along with what everyone else has said, it will build his confidence and he'll be more willing to try new things. It's a confidence issue. Probably also a fear of doing something wrong, or something that will really turn you off.

I also agree with what the others said. It's VERY important to talk about it in a non-sexual environment. But make sure that with all of the constructive criticism, there's also some praise. I think he really needs his confidence boosted. If it still doesn't work, and he still isn't interested in improving, then that's a serious reflection on the kind of person he is, and you'll have to decide if you want to stay with someone that doesn't consider what you want or how you feel.

[nosleepnmesa]

Wow! Everyone hit this subject well. I just wanted to add my two sense in, and share my V card story. I have to agree with all the other post here, and let me tell you I wish this board was here when I lost mine.

Communication is the best solution and also tell him when he is doing well! Men (sorry men) do tend to get a little self concious, and since he is already saying I suck in bed then he is going to need a little boost. Let me share my story with you and see if it helps at all.

I was young when I lost my virginity, 15years old my boyfriend at the time was 19years old. Well we thought we could hold out forever, we were wrong. One thing lead to another and next thing you know we are naked. It hurt a little at first, but my thoughts at that time was...........This is sex, how boring. I got nothing from it and he was like this is what everyone is talking about, what a waste a time. Well needless to say we try again and it was getting a little better, I was in the same situtation ALWAYS on top, we talked about it a few times and decided that we were gonna try something else. I was young and very very confused, wondering why everyone says this is so awesome.

After about 10times things started getting better, I told him what felt good and that he was thrusting me just right and WOW!!!!! I had my first O. I finally firgued out what everyone was talking about. Even though he was older I would have thought that he knew what he was doing, but he didn't it took alot of talking and me basically building up his self esteem. If he would say things like I suck in bed, or anything negative I would find something positive to tell him. As time went on we learned alot and talked alot and relized that sex is fun and a great stress relieve. I know I was alot younger then you but sounds like you are having some of the same problems I was with my boyfriend at the time. Communication is the key and boost him up to and tell him when he is doing well, make sure you also tell him what makes you feel good to.

Good Luck and keep posting!

[tyciol]

Eh, don't assume guys don't think about their own anatomy when masturbating. I mean yes, we use the female form to become stimulated, and visualize intercourse, but essentially, it's still us in the end we need to be touching to reach the end.

Probably other guys moreso than myself as they do it by hand rather than floor friction.