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What do you think of telling a woman to go find a casual lover to change her preferences?


Kama

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Kama, first let me say how badly I feel for the experience you had. It is not common practice to have some one with sexual trauma experience more trauma as a healing process. Finding a casual lover when trust is an issue is not an answer. Both the "life coach" and the casual lover were seemingly not appropriate for you. If you were sexually abused (I say this because you say you were told this rather than saying it is a part of your past. You only say there was trauma) there is a level of trust that needs to be addressed along with a host of other things. Sex is rarely the answer. There are many other emotional, personal, physical and mental areas that need gentle compassion before diving into sexual activity. Sexual healing is a multi faceted process. I would say that what your "coach" said and did is not the norm for treating people with traumatic histories.

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Ah yes, people can be very sexual sure to past abuse. That is not uncommon. Just as it is not uncommon to be less sexual. That is were a good coach or therapist needs to not make assumptions and ask good caring questions. It sounds like she may have been operating out of her own prejudices. Now you know better. That is a wonderful thing. Knowing what you need and how to be respected is great. I always suggest people interview their therapist/coaches before going forward with that person. Make sure there is a good fit between you and him/her. The best person for anyone is the person who can be empathic, caring, compassionate and challenging in a positive and healthy way.

Trust yourself. You are the best judge of what you need and who will work best with you and for you. 

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On 3/16/2016 at 2:27 PM, RC4BLUE said:

Ah yes, people can be very sexual sure to past abuse. That is not uncommon. Just as it is not uncommon to be less sexual. That is were a good coach or therapist needs to not make assumptions and ask good caring questions. It sounds like she may have been operating out of her own prejudices. Now you know better. That is a wonderful thing. Knowing what you need and how to be respected is great. I always suggest people interview their therapist/coaches before going forward with that person. Make sure there is a good fit between you and him/her. The best person for anyone is the person who can be empathic, caring, compassionate and challenging in a positive and healthy way.

Trust yourself. You are the best judge of what you need and who will work best with you and for you. 

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On 3/16/2016 at 7:08 AM, Kama said:

 

I would like to share a part of my life that I can't wrap my head around. 

 

In 2012, I had naively worked with a life coach that claimed to have all of the answers to love and relationships.  She knew that I had a trauma history and "different" sexual preferences (preferring oral over PIV).  She thought finding a casual lover to help fix me would make my body open up more, and help prepare me for marriage. I was desperate to be normal and like everyone else, so I did it.  

It didn't work at all. If anything, it made things worse. The man was sloppy at foreplay, too large and would get angry at me. I think I bruised his ego by not having an orgasm and not being able to take him in during penetration.,I was just left feeling crappy. Having him be abrasive and critical made me shut down.  I would even spend money on arousal pills, but they made me throw up. 

I put up with him, because my coach kept telling me, "you were sexually abused. You need this! Just let go. It's you and not him." I had tried to explain to her that I need a lot of warming up, trust and comfort. She didn't understand.  Both of them didn't understand why I was the way I was. 

I had finally tossed this man to the curb when he told me I was a mess sexually. I had walked away from the coach, because she ended up being unkind. 

 

Looking back, I am realizing that I didn't really want to be in that situation. It was the coach that kept saying that this would help "sexually heal" me.  Was this normal for her to do that? I have never heard of any professional doing that.

The good news is that at least I have had sex partners after this man that were a lot nicer and understanding.

 

I think that that life coach you had should have any license that she has revoked!!! No life coach would encourage someone that had been sexually and/or emotionally abused to stay in any sort of abusive relationship. And and sort of guidance of "Just let go, it's you not him" is NOT ever acceptable in that kind of situation IMHO.  And I don't see how any of that helped heal you sexually.

Diving in and having a relationship, just for the sake of having one to try and move past any sort of past issue or abuse is NOT the way to do it, and that woman is a shithead for it!!

OK, done with the rant, now to get to the topic. Telling someone that you may just have the Friends With Benefits relationship to more of a "I really want a true relationship with you" is a tricky thing. I've had 3 of the FWB things. All knowingly and willingly going into it as FWB's. The first one was the most complex, in that he and I were friends for 14 yrs prior. I was starting to fall in love with him, and I knew it. He never said anything to the kind of wanting anything more than the situation we were in, so I started dating. I was the one to make the step to remove myself from that. Never once did we ever agree that we were exclusive as far as seeing other people. Sleeping with others was an understood no-no though. I never did tell him of my feelings because I've known him too long, and I knew that a relationship between the 2 of us would never work out in the end. It was a very bad recipe for disaster, and I think we both actually know that.

The last 2 I've had, I went in telling them I wasn't looking for anything serious, not to expect anything else, and don't bug me with texts or calls.

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On 3/18/2016 at 7:46 PM, Tyger said:

 

I think that that life coach you had should have any license that she has revoked!!! No life coach would encourage someone that had been sexually and/or emotionally abused to stay in any sort of abusive relationship. And and sort of guidance of "Just let go, it's you not him" is NOT ever acceptable in that kind of situation IMHO.  And I don't see how any of that helped heal you sexually.

Diving in and having a relationship, just for the sake of having one to try and move past any sort of past issue or abuse is NOT the way to do it, and that woman is a shithead for it!!

OK, done with the rant, now to get to the topic. Telling someone that you may just have the Friends With Benefits relationship to more of a "I really want a true relationship with you" is a tricky thing. I've had 3 of the FWB things. All knowingly and willingly going into it as FWB's. The first one was the most complex, in that he and I were friends for 14 yrs prior. I was starting to fall in love with him, and I knew it. He never said anything to the kind of wanting anything more than the situation we were in, so I started dating. I was the one to make the step to remove myself from that. Never once did we ever agree that we were exclusive as far as seeing other people. Sleeping with others was an understood no-no though. I never did tell him of my feelings because I've known him too long, and I knew that a relationship between the 2 of us would never work out in the end. It was a very bad recipe for disaster, and I think we both actually know that.

The last 2 I've had, I went in telling them I wasn't looking for anything serious, not to expect anything else, and don't bug me with texts or calls.

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Yes she can be reported. It is not an easy thing to do. One problem is the investigation can be daunting. Is can be rough to tell the story, relive it, be questioned, and sometimes feel like you are be torn apart. It is a very personal decision to report or not. What ever you decide, do what is best for you. 

I am very happy to read that you know what you need and want. That is excellent. It sounds like you have come to know yourself much better. I would encourage you to keep exploring what is right for you and give your life positive energy.

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