Attn: All Parents

[whiskeywoman]

I was reading some of the replies to the post about kids and toys.

This got me to thinking, how do you have "THE TALK"?

I have 4 girls, 2 of whom I suspect are beginning to hit "the change"

They get moody around the first or second week of each month, have sudden mood swings, get nasty tempered etc.

The eldest (8) has begun to "bud" and is by far the moodiest of them all.

The younger (6) has done everything earlier than her older sister, walking, getting teeth, loosing teeth, talking, etc.

She has not begun to " bud" yet, but that means squat, I didn't develop breasts until I was 15.

I started my cycles when I was 7.

The women in my family do everything early, including hit menopause, gramma finished her change at 42, mom finished at 40, and I am starting my change at age 36.

Their grandma insists I am rushing them, but as I told her, I can control what they watch on TV, what they eat, what they wear (kinda), and where they go.

I can not control their bodies, when they develop, how fast they grow or when they get their hormones.

As their mom I KNOW something is off balance here, they have just been way too moody the last few months and acting "off"

Most moms here will know what I am talking about, and maybe even some of the dads too.

So, the question is, how do I finally break down and have "THE TALK"?

[tdriskel]

I was reading some of the replies to the post about kids and toys.

This got me to thinking, how do you have "THE TALK"?

I have 4 girls, 2 of whom I suspect are beginning to hit "the change"

They get moody around the first or second week of each month, have sudden mood swings, get nasty tempered etc.

The eldest (8) has begun to "bud" and is by far the moodiest of them all.

The younger (6) has done everything earlier than her older sister, walking, getting teeth, loosing teeth, talking, etc.

She has not begun to " bud" yet, but that means squat, I didn't develop breasts until I was 15.

I started my cycles when I was 7.

The women in my family do everything early, including hit menopause, gramma finished her change at 42, mom finished at 40, and I am starting my change at age 36.

Their grandma insists I am rushing them, but as I told her, I can control what they watch on TV, what they eat, what they wear (kinda), and where they go.

I can not control their bodies, when they develop, how fast they grow or when they get their hormones.

As their mom I KNOW something is off balance here, they have just been way too moody the last few months and acting "off"

Most moms here will know what I am talking about, and maybe even some of the dads too.

So, the question is, how do I finally break down and have "THE TALK"?

HI! You can have a talk right now-- discussing their bodies and the changes you and probably they are noticing. They probably have concerns and questions but don't know how to ask. I really love the American Girl book titled The Care and Keeping of YOU: the body book for girls. This is pretty age-appropriate and talks about body stuff including body odor and hair. I think that after you tackle that, you can answer what questions they have about sex. The secret is to only answer what they are asking at this age. IF they want to know where babies come from, sometimes saying "from their mothers uterus." is enough. You may not need to explain intercourse and delivery if all they want is a straight-forward answer. I also like the book Where Did I Come From. I think it is still in print. It is very straight-forward but doesn't get too clinical or anything. For girls who are early bloomers, I think the important thing is to let them know they are normal and to help build up self-esteem because they are likely to get attention from boys that they are unprepared to handle just yet. If you have a good relationship with your pediatrician, they may recommend some resources, and you can find some at the American Academy of Pediatrics website. I see kids everyday in my office that are so scared because of misconceptions regarding growth and development during puberty. By asking this question, you are proving that you are a great mom who is willing to cover an uncomfortable topic if that is what is best for your child. If I didn't answer your question or you have more, post again and I will see if I can think of more.

Good Luck and keep me posted how the discussions go! (I have a 3 year old and I know this day will come and with my own kiddo, it makes me a little nervous!)

P.S. to above. Breast buds develop about 12-24 mos before menses USUALLY, but as you noted, this is not an exact science. Pubic and underarm hair is a bit more predictable-- girls typically won't begin menses until they have a fair amount of pubic hair and breasts that are progressing past the bud stage. If you are seeing progression in hair or buds, it may be time to invest in some supplies, especially some to hide in the backpack for school so no traumatic events happen.

[me4now]

WOW whiskemom i am right there with you my husband and i was just talking about htis last week beacuse my little brother 12ysr and sister 9yrs are changing by the day and it is totally new to us because our children are just 2 & 3 yrs old we actually thought we had time to prepare but we dont and its strange.

i guess i can its little scary since we(my husband and i) are new to the parent world i need help with this one also thanks for putting it out there

[chickenmom]

I think that your children will give you the cues. I have 3: 13 - girl, 12 - boy, 10 - girl. I just had the talk with the 13 girl. She googled "sex" on line. The 12 boy had the talk this past summer because of my finding a porno picture in his wallet. Each child is different and has their own requirements. I think when the time comes, you'll be okay. It's uncomfortable, but you'll get through it. Trust your instincts.

[Tyger]

Well, I have a 3 1/2 little girl that I would like to keep this age forever, but, I do know that that's not reality.

My mother never had The Talk with me. I found out from friends mostly, plus when I took sex ed at school. Thankfully, the way I was raised, I did things a bit "smarter" than some of my peers.

Each child is different. Where your kids are still kind of (emotionally) young, maybe start off a talk with HOW and WHY their bodies are changing. Use everyday words that are the actual terms for them, and give them examples of slang for those parts. So that they will be prepared for what is actually being said at the time. Tell them what terms are appropriate for "every day talk" from children.

Also tell them, that at this age, anyone touching them on their parts that isn't suppose to (like the doctor, or parents when checking for injury or sicknesses) is inappropriate, and that there are NO secrets that parents should not hear!

Maybe wait until they show signs of interest in the opposite sex (I think Billy is cute), and then have a age appropriate sex talk with them. Only you will know when your children are emotionally and mentally ready for that kind of talk.

It's a find line between allowing them to embrace their gender and sexuality, or trying to keep them children until it's too late.

Good luck!!

[tdriskel]

Also tell them, that at this age, anyone touching them on their parts that isn't suppose to (like the doctor, or parents when checking for injury or sicknesses) is inappropriate, and that there are NO secrets that parents should not hear

This is a great point. A good way to broach this is "No should ever touch or look where your swimsuit covers unless they have permission from your mom or dad. Also, even if someone is allowed to check you where your swimsuit covers, it should NEVER be a secret. Your mom should know every time someone checks you." Kids need black and white rules. At this age, developmentally, they don't get shades of grey. Also, by having these conversations, you decrease GREATLY the risk of early sexualized behavior and abuse. Being parents that engage in sex play or watching porn or whatever doesn't make your kids more likely to be precociously sexually active. Especially if you set limits such as " That is for grown ups like mommy or daddy. Kids don't get to pick those things." (This is in response to the folks who have recently been "found out" by their kids with toys or porn.) (This also works for drinking and smoking-even if I don't love that choice much-- but I draw the line at drug use-- NO ONE gets to pick that as a good choice!!) Having a discussion about normal growth and development and sexuality also does NOT make your kids more likely to experiment in other ways-- it just makes them know and understand more. I am totally dumbfounded by the folks that think that kids will not think of sex unless we mention it to them. HOW F---ING STUPID CAN YOU GET??!! It feels good-- of course kids are curious and will figure the whole mechanics out.

Forgive me if I rant. This is something I feel so passionately about and rarely get to say exactly what I think!! I just see how much education and honest discussion would change the way teens view sexuality. I wish that every person who said that teaching kids about sexuality and normal development was wrong had to later talk to those same kids when they were really freaked by wet dreams and periods and erections and possible pregnancy. Again, I digress. Thanks for listening-- or at least not lecturing me for getting on the soap box. IF God wanted us to be asexual or to only have sex to make babies, he would have not made it feel so good or made multiple orgasms or .... God, I could go on, but even I am tired of this rant...

[nosleepnmesa]

Whiskeywomen, Well as most of use here know I have a very open door policy with my children. My daughter started her cycle at 9. We have also had the cycle talk but the sex talk. I sat her down one day when I noticed the signs here breast were developing and once a month oh my god her temperment was overwhelming. I knew anyday it was going to happen.

Thank goodness that before she was of this age she already knew about periods, before I had my hysterectomy she had caught me numerous times changing my tampon and such. So I had to explain to her then what was going on in terms she would understand.

Now back to the talk. I sat her down and explain to her that I noticed a few changes in her. Of course it had to be the week that she was moody that wasnt intentional though. She stated very clearly what changes mom have you seen. I told her I noticed that her breast were developing and that when she asked for me to bring her a towel, that I noticed a little hair there etc. So being that she already had the women to women about the cycling and such. We had a little more to talk about.

I can say that the cycling talk wasn't hard for me. I let her know that she was coming to a point in her life that she was changing into a young lady, and will no longer be the LITTLE GIRL, although you will always be my baby. Yes I know I will prolly never hear the end of my next statement but I believe in honesty with my children. I did tell her that at times when I was still able to have my cycles their were times when I would have this feeling that was hard for me to control. I explained to her that it was a horney type feeling, that it made me want to touch myself or other things. I explained to her the feeling the tingling, the wetness before her period that I noticed etc....

I did tell her to which she already knew, that if she ever decided to play around with boys that she needs to come and talk with me. She said mom I know we already had this talk, I know that when I get older and I have sex, I can become pregnant now since I have my cycle.

Whiskeywomen, I wish you the best in the talks with your daughters. Maybe sometimes I am a little to open with mine. I hope this helps you some in your way to talk with your daughters. You know I am here for you and if you need any more help with the talk please feel free to pm me or post here. Hopefully it will help other parents.

Good Luck!

[whiskeywoman]

Kat,

No, don't worry about the openness you have with your kids.

I honestly think if it works for you, more power to you.

I always try and be honest with my kids, I made a vow I would never lie to them, no matter how badly it hurt me or them.

Granted,there are times I will withold certain info from them, because it won't change the outcome and they don't really need to know.

Like when their grandfather commited suicide when he found out he had prostate cancer.

I just told them that grandpa died.

Anyways, I am rambling again,

So tell me, how did you have the change talk with your daughter?

She has seen me change my pads and tampons before, she freaked out majorly when she saw the blood.

I tried to explain to her that it was ok, and ALL females do it.

I told her when my body began changing I started bleeding, and someday her body would change and she would start bleeding too.

Her reply was "nope, not me, I am NEVER gonna do that, it's just way too gross"

I tried explaining to her that she can not control it, but she is being far too stubborn at the moment to try and change her mind, so I just dropped it.

Hotmama,

You do bring up some very good points about teaching them what is appropriate and what isn't as far as touching goes.

Not too long ago I problems with them and crotch licking/sniffing.

I did find the root of the problem and warned the school about this young man and asked them to keep an eye on him.

Thankfully he is not in any of the classes my girls attend, and for now things seem to have settled down.

I always take it for granted that they would tell me if this stuff happens, now might be a good time to remind them about this.

I also took your advice and bought some pantyliners.

The eldest went to the restroom and found a very small very light spot of blood on her undies.

I don't know if this is her bodies way of saying "I am gettting ready" or what.

And for everyone else, yeah, I know it may seem gross and I apologize, but I am not sure what I am doing here.

I have never raised girls before, and I have never had to deal with a girl hitting her change, so bear with me please.

I want to be prepared, but not pushy.

Well the youngest is awake and has begun to bellow for her lunch...

Gawd I love being a mom LOL