Stopping Oral Sex Before Orgasm

[needymarriedguy]

We've been married for 25 years and I am still wildly physically attracted to my wife and we have an otherwise great relationship. The problem is that she is not very adventurous in the bedroom and as I get older my sex drive seems to be increasing and I am trying to be more so. She does seem to love receiving oral as I love giving it. The problem is as she approaches orgasm she pushes me away and has had enough and ususally after that it's time for sleep. She refuses to talk about it so I'm not sure what the problem may be. I would love nothing more than to continue to please her. Any advice ? Should I be happy with that, but I feel as though sex always stops before the best part. The felling of being unfulled is happening too often. She is also very non aggressive and in 25 years may have initiated sex 1 time that I can remember. She's not one to talk openly about sex so it makes it difficult for me, I've even considered cheating but don't want to. - thanks in advance for any help yo can offer.

[Mikayla1]

Oh, you poor man! You will see that this dilemma is more common that you know! There are many men who have come to this site with just the same problem as you. I have some questions for you though, before I can start to help:

1) you say you give oral to her - does she give oral to YOU?

2) after she nears orgasm and makes you stop, you don't have sex after?

3) does she ever orgasm?

4) do you have children?

5) was she raised Catholic?

Ok, here is what I am thinking, first, if you give her oral and she doesn't give you oral - that is SUPER SELFISH! I also am curious about the orgasm thing. If she has always done this, then she might have some sort of psychological block to letting herself go with you. This is not uncommon, many women feel like they are going to pee during oral sex, and are afraid to do so. Sometimes this is a consequence of being raised by strict, religious parents or being abused in another relationship can cause some mental blocks when it comes to liking sex.

I am always amazed at the number of women who simply do not enjoy sex - it is such a shame. Now, if she allows you to pleasure her (as much as she is allowing) and there is no sex after, that too is EXTREMELY selfish! There has got to be a reason why she feels the need to control this. Is she a very controlling person (with her environment, appearance, food habits?)

Now, if you have had children and noticed a decline in sex after that, she has mommy syndrome. That happens a lot with many, many women. It is just not in their upper most mindset anymore to have sex after becoming a mom.

Answer some of my questions and I am sure someone, if not me, will help you get some ideas. I would say that you have to talk about this, in a non-sexual situation, so she understands exactly how badly you are hurting. Many women don't think it is their responsibility to sexually please their husbands,but it is, as much as it is your responsibility to please her!

Mikayla

[needymarriedguy]

To answer your questions:

Let me first say that this doesn't seem to be an age related thing as it's pretty much always been this way. But as I say it seems to be more my problem now that as I get older I just want to enjoy the sex more and it's not a high priority for her nor has it ever been. It's one of the few things in life that's free, healthy and very enjoyable and as we've been together so long there's also no fear of STD's which makes enjoyment even greater as there's no need to worry about protection and we still love each other. We are both physically active, healthy and in good shape. It's just frustrating for me. I'll do anything for her but getting her to want it or reciprocate is difficult. I was wondering if the oral problem can be related to sensitivity or pain but she just doesn't seem to want to answer.

1 - She will give oral to me but only if I ask for it which is another point of contention and then I have to warn her before orgasm as she will not continue at that point. Which is Ok, I know that is also common except that usually there is some delay in the play and leads to a bit of a let down.

2. We do have sex afterwards and she will orgasm or at least it seems that way during intercouse but again she is not one to experiment with different positions and questions what i'm doing if i try moving her about a bit. But then I cannot seem to get a respponse of whether she likes it or not. But she ususally complies. It would be more pleasing to me if she were a bit more proactive and I have told her this many times.

3. yes

5. Yes, one child. We tried for more but after several miscarriages and an ectopic pregnancy we surmised it wasn't to be and we gave up.

5. Yes, Catholic as am I, but I know enough other Catholic women where I'm not sure this is the issue although I suppose it could be in some cases.

I've suspected there is more to this issue than just putting a halt to the oral. After 25years of marriage is it a hopeless thought that my wife can turn into the vixen of my dreams ? I know from my point of view it's possible as the attraction is still there. Talking about it with her can be difficult as I have tried both during and otherwise. She always seems to want to turn it into a joke or makes wisecracks, such as "Is that all you think about" which possibly is her way to avoid dealing with it or feeling uncomfortable talking about it. Is there any help for the hopeless ?

Thanks

Oh, you poor man! You will see that this dilemma is more common that you know! There are many men who have come to this site with just the same problem as you. I have some questions for you though, before I can start to help:

1) you say you give oral to her - does she give oral to YOU?

2) after she nears orgasm and makes you stop, you don't have sex after?

3) does she ever orgasm?

4) do you have children?

5) was she raised Catholic?

Ok, here is what I am thinking, first, if you give her oral and she doesn't give you oral - that is SUPER SELFISH! I also am curious about the orgasm thing. If she has always done this, then she might have some sort of psychological block to letting herself go with you. This is not uncommon, many women feel like they are going to pee during oral sex, and are afraid to do so. Sometimes this is a consequence of being raised by strict, religious parents or being abused in another relationship can cause some mental blocks when it comes to liking sex.

I am always amazed at the number of women who simply do not enjoy sex - it is such a shame. Now, if she allows you to pleasure her (as much as she is allowing) and there is no sex after, that too is EXTREMELY selfish! There has got to be a reason why she feels the need to control this. Is she a very controlling person (with her environment, appearance, food habits?)

Now, if you have had children and noticed a decline in sex after that, she has mommy syndrome. That happens a lot with many, many women. It is just not in their upper most mindset anymore to have sex after becoming a mom.

Answer some of my questions and I am sure someone, if not me, will help you get some ideas. I would say that you have to talk about this, in a non-sexual situation, so she understands exactly how badly you are hurting. Many women don't think it is their responsibility to sexually please their husbands,but it is, as much as it is your responsibility to please her!

Mikayla

[WifeMomSlave]

AFter reading this post and your last one it seems like maybe there is more going on. How is your marrage out side of the bedroom? Can you two talk freely about everything else? I think it may be a good idea for the two of you to talk to a marrage counsler, you said you both are cathlic..maybe go talk to your priest? Sometimes it is a lot easier to talk to an out side person about things like this. Again good luck to both of you.

[needymarriedguy]

Outside of the bedroom we are the "Perfect Couple". 90% of the rest of life is good so I don't think there are any complaints outside of the norm. I have no desire to cheat, and we get along very well and hardly ever argue and share all the household drudgery. It's just the physical side that is the issue. She is not at all interested in taking our personal issues to an outsider that's what promted my post here. She says there is nothing wrong other than sex is all I think about and makes jokes or wisecracks every time I try to bring it up. It may be nothing other than we both work too many long hours and sex is just not a priority for her. however as I've said in almost 25 years she has hardly ever initiated it. It always has to be me. I'll trade sex for sleep anytime but she's not so driven

AFter reading this post and your last one it seems like maybe there is more going on. How is your marrage out side of the bedroom? Can you two talk freely about everything else? I think it may be a good idea for the two of you to talk to a marrage counsler, you said you both are cathlic..maybe go talk to your priest? Sometimes it is a lot easier to talk to an out side person about things like this. Again good luck to both of you.

[WifeMomSlave]

Have you tried getting away for a weekend if even just a local hotel? maybe one with a hot tub in the room? you could even do one of thoes couple messages...they are really nice. Maybe being away from the house might be just the break she needs. leave the cell phones at home just make it about the two of you. I am noot suggesting that you get her drunk.....but maybe a drink or two at dinner might let her relax a bit Might help...but if this has been going on for this long I am not really sure what would other than her opening up and talking to you. Have you tried explaining to her how much you want to please her and how much you need to feel needed? Maybe if she feels she cant talk to you about sex...maybe she could write down what is going on with you. Like Mikayla said there are a lot of peopple who think that sex is not to be talked about, and have a lot of trouble doing it...my hubby included. So it may help her to write about at least. It sounds like you have a good relationship other wisw and can talk about other things ok.......Just keep trying to get her to open up...but not in a nagging kind of way.

[needymarriedguy]

Hi and thanks. We have thought about trying to get away for a night. A whole weekend may be tough but it sounds good. We live in a very rural area and have a 13yr old with a heavy weekend sports schedule and not many nearby friends or relative to use as sitters although we are working on it. I'd love it if she would have a couple of drinks since I hate drinking alone, but unfortunately she hates the taste of alcohol. I have simple fantasies and would like to keep her in them so I just keep trying. I have told her I would do anything to please her and she repostes laughing with "Well then leave me alone". She defends herself by saying being a wise ass is genetic and runs in her family and from what I have seen of her familiy I guess she must be right. I only wish her sex drive was as strong as her wit. - Thanks for the suggestions

Have you tried getting away for a weekend if even just a local hotel? maybe one with a hot tub in the room? you could even do one of thoes couple messages...they are really nice. Maybe being away from the house might be just the break she needs. leave the cell phones at home just make it about the two of you. I am noot suggesting that you get her drunk.....but maybe a drink or two at dinner might let her relax a bit Might help...but if this has been going on for this long I am not really sure what would other than her opening up and talking to you. Have you tried explaining to her how much you want to please her and how much you need to feel needed? Maybe if she feels she cant talk to you about sex...maybe she could write down what is going on with you. Like Mikayla said there are a lot of peopple who think that sex is not to be talked about, and have a lot of trouble doing it...my hubby included. So it may help her to write about at least. It sounds like you have a good relationship other wisw and can talk about other things ok.......Just keep trying to get her to open up...but not in a nagging kind of way.

[truckerswife]

Dear Bored Husband

It sounds like your wife and my husband share a brain!! I'm the last one here to offer advice but I want you to know you're not alone! I want so badly to enjoy sex and he acts like its a chore.

Best of luck to you.

[chickenmom]

Has she ever had an orgasm? Until I found this site, out of desperation, I had never had one. Sex was something that I had to do for my husband's sanity. I know how men get after they haven't had it in a while. It was routine and boring. I felt that as long as he came, it didn't matter how I felt. Well, I think I hit my prime and then started looking for answers. I found them here. What I'm getting at is that she may have never have had an orgasm and just doesn't know how to feel or what to do. I don't know how to get her to talk with you, since it seems as though you have tried many times over the years. What if you printed some articles or some of the posts here for her? Maybe put your son to bed and leave it on her pillow. Personally, I would somehow find the time to get alone. If you can't leave, let your son spend the night at a friend's house. Somehow, you have to get her to talk. Good luck and keep us posted.