Is This Real?

[lovemylife]

I met a man last year while married. This man was married as well. We both have kids with our ex spouses. None together. I left my husband and divorced him the first of this year and he left his wife 5 months ago. He is not finalized the divorce but the papers are filed and in the 90 day waiting period. My problem is is that I am still in the closet. the wife does not know I exsist. He still talks to her everyday and maybe 2 or 3 times a day. They still do family eatings at his family and his excuse is he did not know she was coming. they both live in different homes and he stays with me half of the week. I am so confused on where I stand and YES i understand the way we meet and they say these type of relationships usually dont work but why would he still have this kind of relationship with his ex if he wants this divorce. He says he has to be nice to her for the kids sake. I thought when you divorce you stop eating at each others family outings and only talk when it involves the kids. I know I should walk away but I really love so many things about him but this is the one thing that I just cant get over. Any advice???

[Mikayla1]

Listen, just because you get divorced doesn't mean your family doesn't exist anymore. This man still has kids with his ex and probably is having a hard time giving up the family time. This does not mean that he doesn't care for you, he probably misses being there for his kids. If he and his ex have an amicable relationship - which is good - then they will continue to share things together. I would prefer this type of ex relationship to the hating each other kind.

I would give him time to adjust and just be understanding. If he loves you, you will come out in the open eventually!

Good Luck!

Mikayla

[willtryanything]

I don't think you have anything to worry about. One, it's a good thing that the wife doesn't know about you. She might turn into a real beyotch if she finds out about you too soon. Especially before the divorce is final. When my first husband and I got divorced, we had Thanksgiving and Christmas together with our babies and I went to several of his family functions with him, some even without him. Even though it was over, it was difficult to not talk. Eventually we stopped talking as much but we do have a great relationship as far as our children go. I might be worried if your b/f and his ex were confiding in each other about personal problems but it doesn't sound like this is the case. You don't want him to think you are trying to come between him and his kids (we never know what these men are going to think ) so give it a while before you say anything. It isn't ALWAYS true that if a man cheats once, he will cheat again so don't get paranoid. Take care and I hope everything works out.

[Tyger]

I am, admittedly, sometimes a bit too suspicious. However, it sounds as if he is playing cautious with letting anyone know about you, for divorce reasons. As soon as the divorce is finalized, then, if he continues to keep your relationship hidden, THAT is when I would question things more. And, I don't mean this in a disrespectful way, but he DID cheat on his wife, which entails lying to her, so, if things continue to be shady, you really need to think about how honest this guy really is. Where, it's true that some people (not just men) are repeat cheaters, others are not. It's a case by case deal.

Don't be shocked if he is evasive as to how long y'all have been together, since the hurt is still fresh, and divorce paper's ink wouldn't yet be dry. He would probably know better as to how his ex would react if she found out he cheated on her, so best to play on the side of caution for now. So, if he doesn't specify infront of people, for everyone's sakes, don't volunteer it either. Even after divorced, the idea that he cheated on her would hurt her. And, let's be honest, why would you want to hurt someone you don't know personally?

As far as family functions go, give him the benifit of the doubt, for now, as far as what he says. That he wants to be there for his kids. Some men have a harder time with the fact that they can't see thier kids every day. Like Mikayla said, just because you divorce, doesn't mean you just drop out of your In Law's lives. I've been divorced from my ex for almost 7 yrs, and I still chat with his mother and sister. Not often, but I do. I still consider them my extended family.

It will take some time, depending on how badly things ended, for him to even try, but hopefully, sooner or later, he will either wean himself away from these functions, or invite you to go. If you go, please be gracious, respect the fact that each of you have kids with others, and that you're going to have to deal with the exes once in a while. It's hard to do, especially if the ex gets nasty, but remember that the KIDS should be the focus of the functions.

Best wishes to you!