Am I Having An Emotional Affair? If So, Why Is That Bad?

[willtryanything]

First let me give you a little background. I've been married for four years. Second marriage for both of us. We have children from our marriages and have one child together. I keep myself up, go to the gym four to six times a week, run 10 miles every morning, I wear makeup and fix my hair. I do this because he had a problem with me wearing pajamas all day after our son was born so I try to always look good. I keep the house fairly clean. As clean as I can to have six kids running around all of the time. I get up and cook him breakfast every morning and have supper waiting on him when he gets home. I give him manicures and pedicures and facials every Sunday. Our sex life is AMAZING, when he wants it to be. I show up at work once a week or so and give him a little afternoon delight. I keep my pubic area however he wants it (he likes to switch up) sometimes it's waxed, natural, even dyed it blue once. Even with six kids, he still gets some kind of sexual pleasure every day. I listen to him gripe about his job and tell him he is the most handsome man in the world every day. He, in turn, takes care of me financially, kills bugs for me, he fixes my car, takes care of the lawn. He is not, however, emotionally "there" for me. He's selfish, he won't listen to me when I have a problem. He says he doesn't care if I do all of these things for him or not but the one day I didn't cook his breakfast in four years, he was so mad at me, he spent the night with his mom and dad. When i talk to him, he always says "Oh, I'm so awful! How can you stand to be with me? Why don't you just go file for divorce."

About two months ago, a boyfriend from high school contacted me. We've been talking a few times a week ever since. We haven't seen each other and don't plan to, he lives on the other side of the country. We don't talk about sex or anything like that. We talk about our lives and our children and our marriages. His wife wife is a lot like my husband. This guy listens to me. He actually asks how I'm feeling and is concerned when I feel bad. He was always like that. He says nice things to me without it being sexual and he makes me feel good about myself, like I am actually worth something ouside of the bedroom. He has actually made my marriage better because he is filling a need my husband has no desire to fill. My mom says I'm having an emotional affair. Is that what this is, and if so, why is that so bad?

Sorry this is so long!

[WifeMomSlave]

I am sure that others wil post better advice for you, but I want to add my two cents anyway.

It sounds to me that you are there to take care of him and his kids, basiclly a nanny. Was he always like this even before you got married? I bet this is the reason that he has an ex wife. I do not mean to sound rude in any way, so I am sorry if this comes across that way. Any good lasting relationship has to have emotional stability, especially a marrage. It is great that you found someone to talk to, that is important even if you have a great marrage. I just think that you will end up resenting your husband, and sounds like you already kinda do, and that will probally lead to you and your friend getting togeather. I know that you both said you dont plan to meet, but if you two were just friends and know it will not lead to anything then why not meet. I think a part of you want to be with this guy, or at least a guy like him.

Your kids will also pick up on the lack of emotional connection and you dont want your kids to grow up thinking that they dont need that in a relationship. I would make him listen to you even if you have to tie him down. I think that when he tell you that he is awfull and you should leave him is just his way of shutting you up. I have seen that with my moms second marrage.

As for you talking to this other guy, yes in my opiionion is is an affair. I think the best thing you can give a person is your emotions.

So there is my two or three cents. Like I said I hope i do not come across as judgemental or rude,, I as just giving my take on this. Good luck to you, I have seen you on here a lot and you seem like a sweet person.

[willtryanything]

You folks are awesome! WifeMomSlave, you didn't seem rude at all, I appreciate the honesty. Howard, I've been reading these boards for a while and I knew you'd have some good advice. I know I'm not perfect but I try to do everything to make him happy. I often feel like hired help. His upbringing has a lot to do with it. His dad is the same way. He has always been this way to a certain extent, it just gets worse every year. I think a counselor is where we're heading. As for my friend, it's probably a good thing that he lives so far away.

[Tyger]

Well, I gotta agree, it sounds like he treats you more like the nanny, with benifits, than a wife.

This is my personal philosophy on marriage:

There are 3 parts to a marriage (if you have kids)

1-the parenting part, where you must be a team in raising your kids.

2-the emotional part of the marriage, where BOTH sides are heard, supported, and taken care of emotionally. Love, trust, support, and respect are key.

3-the business aspect. This is where the "household" comes into play. The cleaning, cooking, bills, monetary aspects of the marriage.

If one part of this is missing, then the marriage isn't really a marriage, IMO, but an arrangement. It sounds as if he is treated like a king, you've got him thinking he IS king, and he doesn't have to put forth any emotional effort. So why should he? With the effort you put into the household AND yourself, YOU deserve to be treated with a bit more respect. Right now, you're a kept woman, taking care of HIS kids, cuz I am pretty sure that's how he views them. Feeding HIM, listening to HIM, sexing HIM. It sounds like your minivan probably give you more emotional support than he does! The poor baby got upset when you were running around in sweats after the birth of a child? AW! Too bad. Let HIM try handling all of the kids AND give birth.

Money isn't everything. It's nice to be able to stay home with the kids, if you are able to do so. But each person has 2 roles in a marriage with children: 1-parental figures, which is what the kids see, respect, and learn how to interact as parents. 2-the husband/wife roles. The husband/wife roles are none of the kid's business, so long as it doesn't affect role #1. In this case, it sounds like that it does affect the parenting, because you are setting an example to the girl kiddos that it is OK to be treated like a maid, and get nothing in return. And the boys are learning that women were put on this earth to do their bidding, andtake care of them, cuz the women's feelings and thoughts aren't important enough to be bothered with. Is that what you want them to learn relationships are?

Yes, it sounds like you're reaching out for any sort of caring, listening, sympathetic ear. Emotional affair? Possible. I guess it depends on how you "Feel" for this ex-now-friend. However, it probably isn't healthy for the marriage for you to substitute his ear for your husband's. Would you get the same feelings of worth if you confided in a female friendship? Here's a question for you: if you found out that your husband was actually TALKING to another female about feelings and worries, would you feel betrayed? If the answer is Yes, then you are most likely having an emotional affair.

No couple is going to agree on EVERYTHING all of the time. That is unrealistic. Marriage can be hard at times. But, for it to work, BOTH have to give equally. A marriage never truly can be called a "marriage" if there's only one person giving all the time, and one taking all of the time. I hope he will be "bothered" enough to get to a marriage counselor before it's too late.

I guess I'll get off my soapbox now. I'm sorry it got rather lengthy.

I wish you the best of luck, and keep us updated.

[goodtaste]

It is a good thing your friend lives so far away. But even if this friend lived closer it does't mean you would do anything behind your husbands back. I see nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex. Emotions are powerful things and it sound like you are in control of yours, and thats whats important. We all want to be liked.

[Mikayla1]

While my board mates have offered some great advice, I do have some to add.

First, I think this man is acting like a jerk - but is not necessarily a jerk. It seems like the relationship is very one-sided. You do ALL these things for him, and all you really want in return is an emotional partner. Someone to chat with, share with, confide in. OF course you are having an emotional affair - and of course it is NOT sexual - you have all that with your hubby.

I think that it is necessary for you to be honest with your hubby about what you need. Men sometimes are programmed to be unsentimental and non-caring about our personal feelings. I would just be honest and tell him in a non-threatening and non-judgemental way what you need and expect. SOmething like, "you know, I appreciate you, I appreciate how you provide for me, how great our sex life is....but, I need a little more. I want and need the "friend" part of marrige...." Then just go from there.

I think it is important to give him a chance to change rather than just abandoning him. While I do think that his behavior is jerkish - I think he can change. I also would stop doing things for HIM and start doing them for YOU. As in, how you want your pubic hair, or make-up, or clothing. Just try to find a happy mixture of things you do for him, and things you do for you. Never put his feelings ahead of your own, it will always make you unhappy.

good luck and report back to us!

Mikayla

[willtryanything]

Well, I talked to my husband. He usually just blows me off but I made him understand that I was serious. I pretty much stopped talking to my friend. I still talk to him some but not like I was and I told him we probably shouldn't talk about our marriages. I can see that my husband is trying really hard for me. In a way I feel like it's too little too late but I am going to give it a chance. I saw his point of view in a post from a man on the other side of the fence and it really opened my eyes. I love my husband but if he goes back to his old ways, I'm not sure I can stay with him. We are going to start counselling in the next few weeks. Thanks to all of you for your advice.

I forgot to add that my husband cooked my part of Thanksgiving dinner and cleaned the whole house while I was shopping on Friday. I was so proud of him and he was GREATLY rewarded.

[WifeMomSlave]

Hey thats just great! I am glad to see that you were able to get him to listen to you and he cooked and cleaned too, wow!! I hope that the counsling helps you both and I wish you the best of luck!

[PennyOhhh!]

While my board mates have offered some great advice, I do have some to add.

First, I think this man is acting like a jerk - but is not necessarily a jerk. It seems like the relationship is very one-sided. You do ALL these things for him, and all you really want in return is an emotional partner. Someone to chat with, share with, confide in. OF course you are having an emotional affair - and of course it is NOT sexual - you have all that with your hubby.

I think that it is necessary for you to be honest with your hubby about what you need. Men sometimes are programmed to be unsentimental and non-caring about our personal feelings. I would just be honest and tell him in a non-threatening and non-judgemental way what you need and expect. SOmething like, "you know, I appreciate you, I appreciate how you provide for me, how great our sex life is....but, I need a little more. I want and need the "friend" part of marrige...." Then just go from there.

I think it is important to give him a chance to change rather than just abandoning him. While I do think that his behavior is jerkish - I think he can change. I also would stop doing things for HIM and start doing them for YOU. As in, how you want your pubic hair, or make-up, or clothing. Just try to find a happy mixture of things you do for him, and things you do for you. Never put his feelings ahead of your own, it will always make you unhappy.

good luck and report back to us!

Mikayla

Having been the one dealing with a partner in an emotional affair, I had to respond. I have been married for 24 years and recently went through 6 years of "emotional affair" territory with my husband. I was really flaky for a long time,( financially) and needed to grow up!!! My hubby chose a woman many years older that represented security, stability and groundedness( may not be a word, but y'all get the drift)... he found out in short order that the plusses were far-outweighed by the minuses( high-maintenance, drama queen) so we are working at it, successfully, I might add!! You have to find a way to talk with your partner about "what's missing" and how to fix that. Love and compromise and find the path to each other....it IS worth it... Penny

[willtryanything]

I really appreciate the advice you all! Just wanted to give everyone a little update. I filed for divorce. The nice act was a load of crap. It didn't last. He was worse than before. He started accusing me of sleeping with other men. Uh, when in the crap would I have time have a freaking affair?!?! I guess at 3:00 in the morning when I'm running my butt off trying to look good for him! I had enough when he refused to go to see a counselor. I am happier than I have ever been (other than when i had my babies!) even though we are having financial trouble. As long as I'm away from that jerk, i'll live under a bridge if I have to. No really, we aren't doing too bad. At least now I'm not on my hands and knees every day scrubbing the floor! NOW THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT!!!

[willtryanything]

Assuming that everything (or even most of it) is true( and I'm assuming it is) then that guy has no idea what he has just lost. You sound like a prize catch and I'm sure that if you want someone else you won't have much trouble finding them.

Men can be real assholes and be masters at taking others for granted sometimes. Sounds like to me that he took you for granted and assumed you "owed" him the things you mentioned.

I've been married longer that most people here are old and my wife and I don't "owe" each other a damn thing....I do for her , and she does for me, because we love and resepct each other.

I've watched several friends marriages fall apart over the years for the same reasons yours seems to have. Emotional connection, as far as I'm concerned, is the battery that starts the rest of the marital/romantic entanglement.

For this guy, a woman can fuck like a porn star, cook like a chief, suck the chrome off a trailer hitch, clean like a maid ect,ect. but if she isn't there, then the relationship sucks. Been there, done that. Batched it for 20+ years.

There are decent "others" out there who would love to have someone who is as you describe yourself. Ya didn't say ya wanted anyone but if you ever do sounds like ya got it going on.....including tax...$1.99 Likapus

You are cracking me up! I can be a real bitch sometimes. Maybe he can trade a fat lazy slob for me.

[willtryanything]

Not me, I'd have you in a death grip. I'm gonna ask my wife to dye her pubic hair blue though (the one she still has) ha ha, I'm not serious. Ya just ruined it with the bitch stuff. With all due respect, You can do all the stuff you mentioned and then totaly blow it with fussin. Don't misunderstand, please, don't misunderstand, it sounds like from what you say that you carried more than your load in the relationship. However, in my opinion, both genders need to try to be tactful it their complaints because if we come across as assholes or bitches the rest don't mean much. I can be a bitch sometimes too and i'm a man. Men sometimes think that ya'll are bein a bitch when ya'll say yore just trying to talk. Then we puff up, raise our hackles, pooch our lips out, and start cussin real loud and stompin our feet, slammin doors , ya'll ain't gettin us by god. Timeing is everything when launching your hatchet job. Then we need to listen better. If you can adhere to all this advice then you're better than I am. Whatcha cooKing, I'm on my way.

The best to you;

lickapus

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a bitch all of the time. Very rare actually. I am a very loving, touchy-feely kind of person who will do anything for anyone. It takes a lot for the bitch to come out. I kept my mouth shut (unless he rattled his zipper as he used to say) for too long. Seriously, the best part is if my kids and I want hamburgers, we can by God have hamburgers. With him it was "I'm hungry for a hamburger" and he'd say "Not tonight, I want lasagna". Tonight we're having homemade pizza and everyone's invited!

[Janaen]

congrats!! making the decision to leave is the HARDEST part...but once you get that first taste of freedom...nothing beats it.