Commitment

[navn]

I met my BF almost 3 years ago when I moved to his city for my postgraduate training. He was sweet, kind and fun to be with, we always had a good time when we were together, and sex was great. However, he told me that he had problems with commitment and wasn't really looking for a girlfriend, but that he liked to be with me. After a while I had more feelings for him, and he knew that, but he said didn't want to promise anything that he might not be able to keep. I know that he wasn't seing anyone else, so that was not the problem. Every ~6 months he'd feel that things were getting too intense and tell me he wanted to stop seing me for a while - it usually lasted about 2 weeks, and then he'd change his mind again and I'd take him back (after crying for 2 weeks).

After a year and a half of this I couldn't take anymore. I also had to make a decision whether to stay in the US or not (it is not my home country), so I asked him what he wanted. He said it was up to me, he was happy with things the way they were, and said he'd be glad if I chose to stay but that he didn't want me to stay for his sake, because he couldn't promise that things would change to a more serious relationship. I gave up and moved back to Europe, but we stayed friends and kept in touch. We've both been seing other people, but nothing serous has come out of that and I'm still in love with him.

Then, in August he had the chance to visit me - we were both so excited to see each other again and spent a great week together. Of course we were right back to where we were before I left. He even told me that he loved me; he never said that before. After he left we've been talking a lot more, and he asked me to come back and live with him. We talked it over many times and eventually I said yes. I was so happy, I still am. I took one week of vacation and went to see him and we had a great time together again.

So everything should be great; I love him and he loves me too. But at the same time I'm so scared that he'll change his mind again. He tells me that he loves me, but it's hard to forget all the times before when he told me that he wasn't ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, that he hadn't found the right woman yet, and that he wasn't sure if there was a future together for us. How can I deal with this without making my worries a self-fulfilling prophecy? And lately he's been asking me if I'm sure that this is the right thing we're doing, and if I'm having doubts, and he says that he's scared that in a year or two it might not work out anyways. He's also concerned that we'll be going from having seen each other for a total of two weeks this year to living together. He says that he loves me now, but he can't promise what things will be like in the future. I asked him if he's having second thoughts and changed his mind, but he says no... I know that noone knows what the future holds but he's giving fuel to my fear when he talks like this.

Am I making a mistake by moving back? I love him, and I think he loves me too, but can a commitment phobic guy really change? The last 'final' break was really hard and I don't want to go through the same thing again!

[telecom69]

I met my BF almost 3 years ago when I moved to his city for my postgraduate training. He was sweet, kind and fun to be with, we always had a good time when we were together, and sex was great. However, he told me that he had problems with commitment and wasn't really looking for a girlfriend, but that he liked to be with me. After a while I had more feelings for him, and he knew that, but he said didn't want to promise anything that he might not be able to keep. I know that he wasn't seing anyone else, so that was not the problem. Every ~6 months he'd feel that things were getting too intense and tell me he wanted to stop seing me for a while - it usually lasted about 2 weeks, and then he'd change his mind again and I'd take him back (after crying for 2 weeks).

After a year and a half of this I couldn't take anymore. I also had to make a decision whether to stay in the US or not (it is not my home country), so I asked him what he wanted. He said it was up to me, he was happy with things the way they were, and said he'd be glad if I chose to stay but that he didn't want me to stay for his sake, because he couldn't promise that things would change to a more serious relationship. I gave up and moved back to Europe, but we stayed friends and kept in touch. We've both been seing other people, but nothing serous has come out of that and I'm still in love with him.

Then, in August he had the chance to visit me - we were both so excited to see each other again and spent a great week together. Of course we were right back to where we were before I left. He even told me that he loved me; he never said that before. After he left we've been talking a lot more, and he asked me to come back and live with him. We talked it over many times and eventually I said yes. I was so happy, I still am. I took one week of vacation and went to see him and we had a great time together again.

So everything should be great; I love him and he loves me too. But at the same time I'm so scared that he'll change his mind again. He tells me that he loves me, but it's hard to forget all the times before when he told me that he wasn't ready for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, that he hadn't found the right woman yet, and that he wasn't sure if there was a future together for us. How can I deal with this without making my worries a self-fulfilling prophecy? And lately he's been asking me if I'm sure that this is the right thing we're doing, and if I'm having doubts, and he says that he's scared that in a year or two it might not work out anyways. He's also concerned that we'll be going from having seen each other for a total of two weeks this year to living together. He says that he loves me now, but he can't promise what things will be like in the future. I asked him if he's having second thoughts and changed his mind, but he says no... I know that noone knows what the future holds but he's giving fuel to my fear when he talks like this.

Am I making a mistake by moving back? I love him, and I think he loves me too, but can a commitment phobic guy really change? The last 'final' break was really hard and I don't want to go through the same thing again!

From a guys point of view, I wouldn't move back. Since you love him so much, your decision will be painful. But from what you've wrote, he truly isn't ready for the comittment.

Telecom

[Tyger]

Well, hon, you know him better than we do. You know wheter or not his actually sincere. If, in all the time you've spent with this guy and his insecurities, he's now saying things that are more commitment in nature, then maybe he really DOES want to be with you.

If you're willing to risk your heart one more time, and the financial aspect of moving again, especially overseas, then, well, it's your choice. One thing you should maybe ask yourself is would he be willing to uproot everything in HIS life this time and move to your country? Relationships require, at times, sacrifice on BOTH parts. And where he is so on-again, off-again, it may be a thought to have HIM move to a new area, maybe to also have him fully appreciate what you've done in the past for him.

Men can change, and find what they want. However, all relationships are risks. You risk getting hurt in any sort of relationship that you enter into. Let me give you some advice though. If you decide to try this one more time, then both of you need to stop with the constant doubtful questioning. The "are you happy, is this really what you want, are you SURE?'s" can create little doubtful thoughts that eat away at even the most solid-seeming relationship. Just go with the flow, let the relationship go where it will.

Were your dating attempts a sincere effort? Or just a "well, I should go out just to get out and prove I still can?" In other words, were they honest efforts, or kind of like a chore? What you need to ask yourself is that are you in love with him, or just stuck in a hurtful circle that will continue? Do you HONESTLY in your heart, believe that he's changed? It's something you need to search out, and not while you're on the phone/computer with him. Maybe YOU should be the one to tell him that you need to think about this life-altering decision, and that YOU need the time to do this. And not a couple of days worth either. I'm assuming that you're not only going to leave your job, but family, friends, work, your LIFE, once again, for him. If, after everything you've been thru and tolerated for him, he doesn't want to wait anymore, then I would rethink it. What's the rush? Great things are worth waiting for, and why should YOU bend to what HE wants NOW that he wants it, as far as your heart goes?

True, some men take longer than others to commit, but you need to be fair to yourself. And, even he must see how up and down he's been, and unfair to you and your feelings.

Good luck and I hope you find happiness in whatever decision you choose to go with.