Mis-matched Sex Drive

[jpar19]

Hi guys,

New posting to the forum but have been reading for awhile and decided to give this a try. My question is how do you manage mis-matched sexual drives between couples? My wife and I have been married for almost three years (a second marriage for both) and our sexual drives seem to be going in opposite directions. Mine is high and I enjoy the physical contact with her and it provides a much needed emotional connection to her. I feel needed, desired,valued by her etc. Whereas she now says she just doesnt have any sexual thoughts (she had no idea it had been ten days since our last session). When we do make love it is fun and satisifying and enjoy each other very much. How do I manage this? Is there any meds I could take to kill my drive?

We are a very loving and well communicating couple but this is really becoming a problem for me. We have discussed it and there are no underlying issues or problems. She can only report that it just doesnt occur to her. She's not meaning to be hurtful, but it is to me. Unfortunately, I tie a lot of importance to that contact with her. Thank you for help. I look forward to your responses.

[Mikayla1]

WELCOME!

Ok, let me address your concerns, but first I have to just ask: If you have a HIGH, HEALTHY sex drive - why on earth would you want to take a med to KILL it? You are not the one with the issue here, in fact, you are doing very well to be having healthy sexual thoughts. Plus, it will not help you to kill your sex drive, it will only make the two of you drift apart.

SO, with that said, let us try to offer some advice to help your wife. Let me ask, are their children? IS she on any medications? Does she work? THe reason I ask is, having children is an exhausting experience and really can drain your sexual desire. It take a want and a desire to keep that up. IF she works full time at a demanding job - she may not feel sexy when she comes home. Lack of exercise is also a big trigger for lack of sex drive. Certain medications can also curb sex drive - especially anti-depressants. So, if she is on something like that, have her talk to her doctor.

So, try to figure out if it is any of those things. If it is not any of those things, then I think you have to take a different approach.

Even if it was some of these other things - you can still work on making her feel more sexy. Try to pamper her - run her a warm bath, give her a massage - and DO NOT ask for sex in return! Rub her feet - things that make her relaxed and feel good. If you can get her to have sex once a week, then up it to twice - she will eventually find that it is a tension reliever and it is FUN and not see it as a chore.

Let me know the answers to the questions and I will be glad to get back to you with more information.

Mikayla

[imlqqkin]

How well i know the feeling of having different sexy drives..... OMG do i know, Its been several years since i was able to have a sexual encounter with my wife ..... the majority of the problem has been her physical health. Her health conditions began about 5 yrs ago..... after two years of seeing doctors and finally having her femaile parts removed .... her recovery was also taken a long time. Then she decided to get a breast reduction about 2 yrs ago..... which was necessary ... it was causing shoulder problems and began her migraines ... to which still happen on a regular basis today. She is seeing 4 different doctors to try and fix them medical probs she's having.... last doctor said that having her female parts removed and a breast reduction has caused a major chemical imbalance.... to which she is taking even more meds for .........

So for the past 5 years i've had sexual intercourse with my wife twice .... and was given oral sex twice .... the last encounter has now lasped past the 3rd anniversary in a row..... so i have been using rosey palm (masterbation) to self please my sexual desires.

Yes, i have tried to seduce her, but her comments are I can do with or without sex ... and at the moment i want it without .... every area of our lives is great except for the sexual part.... I would be in hog heaven if i was getting it once in every ten days. Now your gonna ask.... why havent i found a sex partner .... well i believe it has to do with our commitment we made to each other.... So i just hope and pray that one day she will be back to her normal self.... btw we just had our 24th anniversary this past October

Bob

WELCOME!

Ok, let me address your concerns, but first I have to just ask: If you have a HIGH, HEALTHY sex drive - why on earth would you want to take a med to KILL it? You are not the one with the issue here, in fact, you are doing very well to be having healthy sexual thoughts. Plus, it will not help you to kill your sex drive, it will only make the two of you drift apart.

SO, with that said, let us try to offer some advice to help your wife. Let me ask, are their children? IS she on any medications? Does she work? THe reason I ask is, having children is an exhausting experience and really can drain your sexual desire. It take a want and a desire to keep that up. IF she works full time at a demanding job - she may not feel sexy when she comes home. Lack of exercise is also a big trigger for lack of sex drive. Certain medications can also curb sex drive - especially anti-depressants. So, if she is on something like that, have her talk to her doctor.

So, try to figure out if it is any of those things. If it is not any of those things, then I think you have to take a different approach.

Even if it was some of these other things - you can still work on making her feel more sexy. Try to pamper her - run her a warm bath, give her a massage - and DO NOT ask for sex in return! Rub her feet - things that make her relaxed and feel good. If you can get her to have sex once a week, then up it to twice - she will eventually find that it is a tension reliever and it is FUN and not see it as a chore.

Let me know the answers to the questions and I will be glad to get back to you with more information.

Mikayla

[N2OSX]

Quote*** Hi guys,

New posting to the forum but have been reading for awhile and decided to give this a try. My question is how do you manage mis-matched sexual drives between couples? My wife and I have been married for almost three years (a second marriage for both) and our sexual drives seem to be going in opposite directions. Mine is high and I enjoy the physical contact with her and it provides a much needed emotional connection to her. I feel needed, desired,valued by her etc. Whereas she now says she just doesnt have any sexual thoughts (she had no idea it had been ten days since our last session). When we do make love it is fun and satisifying and enjoy each other very much. How do I manage this? Is there any meds I could take to kill my drive?

We are a very loving and well communicating couple but this is really becoming a problem for me. We have discussed it and there are no underlying issues or problems. She can only report that it just doesnt occur to her. She's not meaning to be hurtful, but it is to me. Unfortunately, I tie a lot of importance to that contact with her. Thank you for help. I look forward to your responses.***

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I am in a very simular boat. I have the same feelings of needed emotional connetion, feeling desired, and valued. I also have wanted to find something to kill my sex drive. I fugured that if I can't use it, it is useless to have it. It might be better not having a sex drive then to feel rejected and frusterated all the time. My wife and I often go 3 weeks with no sex and a few times 3 months without.

My wife has never had the desire for kids of her own, and I have a 7 year old daughter that we get everyother weekend. She is not on any medication exept The Pill. We both work. We have been married for less then a year and have been together for over 5 years.

Another thing about this situation, I have always been with potite women with high sex drives. My wife is over weight and has gotten heavier sence we been together, which has been difficult for me trying to keep sexual attraction and I think that I have done well with. I think for one thing, if she lost weight she may get more sexual desires, possibly. She says that she wants to go to the gym but is affraid that it is hard for her to stay committed to it. A couple years ago she went to the gym for like a month or two and she felt great and had more energy. I felt so good for her that she was finally trying it really attracted me to her. Then I am affraid that if she did loose a bunch of weight and look like she did in high school, I'd be really turned on and still never get it. Then that would be worse I think.

When she does initiate, very often she is extremely subtle with the touching at if just to say "hi" and not like "I want to make love to you". And when she does this she often says something like " I'm interested but you'll have to help me." She is not really sexually interested till often half way thru. I make sure that she does orgasm. I have tried being spontanious like all the sudden giving her oral when I got to leave till she orgasms and then walk out the door. I don't really get the same in return. I have pretty much given up initiating.

She says that when she does bring up sex, is not because of sexual desire but because she thinks she should. She doesn't reallize that if we start having sex when she is not into it yet, It makes me feel like dirt. I have bought toys, books, and games. She says that she feels like she is trying because she shaved, which I love that she did, but then that turns me on more and she still does not have the desire. I want to fix the big problem. I thought about a sex theropist, but she is VERY hesitant, because she gets embarrest about sexual conversation. She won't go on this site to get info because of that.

I need help trying to figure out what to do. I get very frusterated and hurt. I feel that I am alone in finding the solution.

Thank you for you help.

[jpar19]

Current update:

After a few rough weeks, I convinced her to go with me to a counselor. I wasnt sure it was gonna be the answer,epecially since I didnt initially care for the counselor. After the second week, I changed my tune when the counselor expressed what I was feeling to a "T". Seemed like she accepted it coming from a third party. I dont know why, I had been saying the same thing for weeks but when she heard said a different way from the third party it seemed to sink in. She is the kind of person who has a hard time turning off work and projects. Through some work, we've been able to help her leave work at work and focus a bit more on us. It kinda blows being spontaneous but it is better. I've learned it is best for me to speak up and let my desires be known instead of allowing my un-met expectations become frustration and anger for me. I always remember I love the woman, and from time to time there are challenges to intimacy. Our drives still do not match and probably never will but as long as we remember to communicate to each other, we'll be ok. It is not always easy or pleasant to hear but it needs to be said.