Help Is Needed

[deszamp]

Hello: I hope i can get some help with this problem.We have been married 7 1/2 years.I'll give some history on these years.About 3 years ago i made some mistakes ie:personal hygene,not getting up for work(i have my own business) i basicly let myself run down.Everything came to a head about 8 weeks ago and she told me she was thinking of leaving me.She has said she has alot of fantasy's and also 3 somes.Most of her fantasy's were being played out on the internet.i realized finally that i have screwed up and proceded to correct my faults.Since then i have done everthing to crrect the problems.Last Nov. she took a vaction to Las Vegas.When she came back things seemed to be a little better.On New Years eve I planed a romantic evening,dinner dancing and i got us a room for the night.I had candles everywhere in the room,food and beverages.She told me that night she went out to dinner and a show inVegas with a older gentelman she met out there.I didn't presure her for details since latley if i do she gets mad.Since coming back she has been on the internet non-stop.This morning i used her computer and found out she had a affair with a guy off the internet who met her i Vegas (so much for the first story)When i confronted her she said yes and that she didn't feel bad about it because i had made the mistakes in the past and she say's it will take time to prove to her that i have changed for the better.She Say's she wants to be here otherwise she would have left.After a long conversation we agreed to take it 1 day at a time.A side note i've been reading alot on here and have tried to use the information to help our sex life.After our talk she went back to the computer and stated talking to the other guy for hours.Alot of it was not sexual because they play a internet game on-line but there was some sexual talk.I love her alot and don't want to lose her but it seems like i am going to live with the fact if she feels the need to out she will.She say's it is only sexual and that's it.But what i read it seems to be more then that.Sorry for such a long post i just don't know what to do.PS she has a girlfriend and her s/o who are into swinging and she has alot of intrest in that.Any and All replys will be appreciated.

[Mikayla1]

Hi Steve. I have a lot to say about your post, but most of it you may not like to hear.

First, you can NOT let your wife blame YOU for her affair. Yes, if you were really sending the message that you didn't care about her, she might feel the need to find love somewhere else - BUT, it is NEVER OK to do such a thing. If your wife has cheated once, she will most likely cheat again. This has more to do with what she wants and less about what she wants from you. She says that the affair is only "sexual" - well, does that make it less of an affair? Let me explain this to you, women do not separate sex from emotion as well as many men do. When we give our body to another, there is an emotional connection there - almost always. Just the fact that she communicated with him for so long before they met is testament to her emotional connection to him. Plus, you say she is on the internet non-stop - undoubtedly setting up their next romantic meeting. I would NIP that in the bud. You can not rebuild a life together if she is not present.

I commend you for changing and fixing the mistakes you think you made - but she is not a no-fault participant here. She has cheated and breached the trust of your marriage and blaming you is a convienient excuse. She says she wants to be here or she would have left -also convienient excuse. Think about it - does she work? Make enough money to support herself? Why should she leave if she can have her cake and eat it to - meaning, stay with you, talk to her lover online and possibly meat again?

Why would she disrespect you so much by having a sexual conversation in front of you online is beyond me. That is simply disgusting behavior. She is thinking that she is beyond reproach - she can do what she wants when she wants and what are YOU to do about it?

I suggest marriage counseling and right quick! IF you really want to stay with this woman - then get some counseling so you can work out what is wrong. I would also tell her that there is no way you can rebuild anything of your marriage if she continues to communicate with this person online - it has to stop. If she is unwilling, then you have your answer about what she really wants.

You have to have some balls and stop blaming yourself completely - have her take some of the blame as well!

Good luck - I hope things work out for you.

Mikayla

[Tyger]

I totally agree with Mikayla here.

You are not the first man to start lagging in participation in a marriage. It's great that you're making an effort to change. I will tell you that it will take a lot of time for your wife to truly believe that you're going to continue to get back on track. Most of us have experienced this, and the man will do his best to shape up~for a while, then it falls back into the same ole routine. BUT in no way does this make what your wife did justifiable.

She wants to be there with you? She needs to prove it by not communicating with that Vegas guy. She is continuing to disrespect you by doing it now. She is blatantly flaunting it infront of your face now. Which I am sure brings you down even further, self-esteem wise. My ex-husband cheated on me via the internet. Everyone wanted to know why I didn't heave the computer out the window. There are 2 reasons why: 1-a cheat is a cheat. He would've found a way to cheat with or without the internet. Same with your wife. There are phones & letters to do that too. 2-a computer is a TOOL. It's not the computer's fault that he used it to cheat on me. If you can't trust your partner with the tools available, then there truly is no relationship.

Also, she says she has fantasies. Well, everyone does. 3-somes really aren't recommended for a married couple. It takes an extremely strong marriage to withstand that, and frankly, right now, you barely even have a marriage. Fantasies can be played out in other ways, with the use of costumes, toys, and a big imagination!!

Her first step in proving she wants to be there is to stop talking to that guy. A final communication, with you right there over her shoulder, telling him that it's over, no more, don't talk to her anymore, is a great start. Then, an open door to where the computer is, so you can see what she's doing at all times while on it, and her not getting mad if you come up behind her, and watch what she's doing on the computer, IMO helps prove that she's staying true to you, computer wise. If she gets mad at the "invasion of privacy" then that's something to consider. It wouldn't be neccassary if she had been true to you in the first place.

So what if it's just sexual? Mikayla is right. Woman rarely seperate sex with an emotional bond of some sort. I'm sure that's hard to hear, but it's true.

If you feel that you cannot trust your wife, but that it can be repaired, then definitely go to a MARRIAGE counselor. I'm all for counselling, but when marriages are sinking, then a trained professional is needed, specializing in marriage issues.

Everyone makes mistakes. It's part of being human. You didn't force her to cheat. That was her decision to do. The 2 important things to remember is to learn from your mistakes, and take ownership of them. Otherwise, they're bound to be repeated.

Best wishes to you.

[ambrelyn]

Sounds like you're the only one taking the blame and responsibility for the way your marriage is. She just gets off scott free and can do whatever she wants cuz you screwed up? How is that fair? It isn't. I TOTALLY agree with the other posters. She HAS to cut off this relationship with this other guy. That is if you want to try and save your marriage. I don't think I'd be so forgiving. Marriage is a commitment. Just cuz you fell into a depression doesn't mean she gets a free ticket to have an affair. I can't stand people that cheat. If you really love someone, you wouldn't hurt them that way. It's as simple as that.

But anyway, if you love her, and want to save your marriage, I would stand up to her and demand that she end it with this guy. No communication whatsoever. Even if it is 'innocent'. I would do like Tyger said and stand over her while she writes and sends him an email ending the whole thing, and then I would block his email address from her email program. Then I would check on it periodically to be sure it stays blocked and she isn't still communicating with him. If she talked to him again, I would end it because that is showing you exactly how she feels about you, and how little she values your feelings. I would also seek out a marriage councellor. You guys need to get all this out in the open. She may feel it's ok to cheat because she feels like you neglected her, and she resents you for that. It still doesn't make it right, but maybe you guys can talk about it and straighten it out. I wish you luck, but I would definitely lay down the law. If she isnt' willing to end it with this guy and go to councelling, that would be it. "If I didn't want to be her, I would've left", is such a convenient excuse. It's easier for her to be married to you, with you taking care of (or helping to take care of) the bills and all. Plus, she doesn't have to offer this other guy any commitment since she's already married, and she can just have all the fun she wants.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope you keep us updated. I would seriously give her those ultimatiums though. If she isn't willing to fight for your marriage, then she doesn't love you anymore. It may be hard to face, but that's my opinion on it.

[cfhayback]

make sure you're covered, and don't feel so guilty for your shortcomings... make copies of anything you can... if this ends in divorce, you can't sit back and gripe later about being caught unaware... newsflash... this relationship is on the rocks! You can try to save it, but don't slack off because you feel your roll in this relationship gave her a reason to stray...

Her actions were a betrayal, and if she'd do that, she'll rake you in court later if it comes to that...

[willtryanything]

I feel bad for ya steveo. Sometimes no matter what you do, it isn't enough. I think the damage has been done and it doesn't look like your wife appreciates your efforts to fix it. She needs to stay the heck away from this man. The whole internet relationship is a fantasy that no one in her real life can compete with. Just don't blame yourself. Don't know what else to tell ya other than she needs to change, just like you did. I hope everything works out for ya, keep us posted.