How To Get It Going

[citizenk]

Ok. So here is the situation:

We have been together for 4 years- two kids.

It has been a year (yes, you read right) since anything has happened.

I have tried buying lotions, making sure we had fresh condems, kissing, rubbing, even a blow job doesn't get him hard. I get absolutly no response from hm at all.

I am getting to the 'whats the point' stage.

I feel frustrated, unattractive and (except for the kids) worthless.

Everything is great in our relationship except in this one area. He treats me well, I know he loves me and he comes home on time every night so i don't think he is messing around. (of course, i know that if there is a will, there's a way. but I have been cheated on before and know what it feels like....this doesn't feel like that.

any insite/advise would be greatly appreciated!

thanks

[Tyger]

First off, welcome to the forum!

I'm so sorry that you've reached this level of frustration in your relationship. Kids definitely change any relationship. But to keep a romance/relationship alive, you must make time for the adult side of the both of you. It sounds like you're trying very hard to make sure all bases are covered. Protection, affection, oral attention, physical attention.

Have you come right out and asked him if he's still attracted to you? Everyone changes. Especially a woman's body after the birth of a child. Is your body so different now, as it was when y'all first got together? Some men don't know how to handle the changes of a woman's body after birthing a child. Some men get a little turned off by the actual sight of a woman giving birth. But that usually passes.

If you know he loves you, is there something medically wrong with him? Just because he's young, doesn't mean that he can't have Erectile Disfunction. Especially if he is "healthy", and it's been over a year since y'all have had intercourse.

There is SOMETHING wrong. Whether it be physical or mental, questions need to be asked & answered honestly. Sometimes we don't like to hear the answers we get, but to solve problems, they need to be asked~away from the bedroom. Maybe over a quiet dinner alone, just the 2 of you.

Questions like: is he still attracted to you in a sexual way? Is he IN love with you? There's a difference between loving and being IN love. Does/can he masturbate? If so, is it to completion? Is he worried about having any more kids (some people have such an aversion to having another child, they "loose" their sexual interests)? How stressed is he at work/home?

Even when there is lots of stress in a household or job, there is at least SOME form of sex, even if it's rare. Over a year is a bit extreme, IMO.

If he swears everything *works*, and he's still sexually attracted to you and can still see you as a sexual creature, then a doctor needs to be consulted. His regular doctor first, then, his DR may recommend a trip to the urologist, so see if there's something physically wrong. If nothing is physically wrong, counselling may be needed too.

These all sound pretty scary, but to get to the root of any problem, all efforts need to be made.

I wish you all the best, and let us know how everything progresses.

*hugs*

[citizenk]

Have you come right out and asked him if he's still attracted to you? Everyone changes. Especially a woman's body after the birth of a child. Is your body so different now, as it was when y'all first got together? Some men don't know how to handle the changes of a woman's body after birthing a child. Some men get a little turned off by the actual sight of a woman giving birth. But that usually passes.

If you know he loves you, is there something medically wrong with him? Just because he's young, doesn't mean that he can't have Erectile Disfunction. Especially if he is "healthy", and it's been over a year since y'all have had intercourse.

There is SOMETHING wrong. Whether it be physical or mental, questions need to be asked & answered honestly. Sometimes we don't like to hear the answers we get, but to solve problems, they need to be asked~away from the bedroom. Maybe over a quiet dinner alone, just the 2 of you.

These all sound pretty scary, but to get to the root of any problem, all efforts need to be made.

I wish you all the best, and let us know how everything progresses.

*hugs*

I have asked if he is still attracted to me-- he says he is. to be fair, I have changed a bit since the birth of our children.

When I got preg for the first, I was a 14, lost the weight and then got preg for the sec. I am working on loosing the baby

weight from that one now. I am in a 16, so not a HUGE differnce, but of course, it isn't just weight that changes, but your

shape also. I am trying to fix that.

This is going to sound so bad but-- he's not 'young' he is almost 47 *now, before I get a lecture, I know that 47 is not

old, but I am not quite 30. It's not like he is in his early 20's***

We are trying to get together to make dinner happen...between babysitters and schedules, it's not coming together as fast

as I would hope, but we are working on it.

Thanks for your words and insites. I will keep you updated!

[citizenk]

I have been there and I can tell you for me it was/is stress. When the kids first came along she didn't work so that cut our income from what it had been and the load fell on me.

Then there was a timeing issue with the kids around. A lot times either she was tired or I was and the priority just changed.

And, for me there was this;

When I did get horney I just went ahead and took care of it myself thereby decreasing my need and desire for sex with her and when she did try something I just wasn't in the mood. I loved/still love her very much but when we had kids everything changed and I don't know if I can really blame anything other than life.

She blamed herself...not true but when one of us was horney, the other wasn't a lot of times Or I would just figure I wasn't going to get any anyway when I got home from work so, again, I took care of it. I too, was home every night and everything except sex was pretty good most of the time.

That was then;

This is now. We have overcame most of the problem through communication. There is a whole world of differance in then and now. Now we have sex at least 2 or 3 times a week assumming neither of us are sick or in pain.

She went to work and took some of the stress off me. I, in turn do my part at home and that took some of the stress off her too even though she wanted sex before.

It's already been suggested that you guys talk and when you do, do so honestly or you're wasting your time.

We tried to talk several times but neither of us really listened to the other. We had to learn to listen to each other and resepect each others feelings....don't take each other for granted..we did.

You say you know he loves you...does he know you love him?

I assume he does since you say everything else in your relationship is fine. Communication, honest communcation, no games, resepct,

acknowleging there is a problem, and desire/willingness on both sides to fix it was the key for us. It takes two though, one partner can't fix it.

It is not hopeless, you are not worthless, neither is he.

Above all don't let people meddle in your lives, this is you guys relationship no body elses, meddling never improves any relationship as far as I'm concerned.

Wishing you the best

Poontang

Thank you so much for this post!!! It really helps to have a guys opionon on this subject. Since my post, I have started working- I am now working in a daycare (which allows me to stay with my children) and bringing home food money. He is in sales, and I know that is a high pressure job, (he was doing that when I got preg for both children). I try not to nag him too much. He is great as far as helping with the children and cleaning up the dishes when dinner is done.

How long did it take for you guys to get 'back on track'? I just wanna know how much longer I have to wait

[Guest Edge]

Citizen, i'd suggest he also get a complete physical.

At 47 he should have a physical every 2 years, if not annually.

once he's been checked physically and found to be ok, i'd work on the relational issues like others have said.

Best wishes.....

[citizenk]

i just wanted to stop by and give a quick update--

I got laid!!! (yes, by my husband)

We had a wonderful night--and morning. He did admit that that was the first time he had been hard in a year.....

recently we have paid off debt that that totaled about 800 a month so that burden was lifted.

thank you all for your kind words

[trista]

Very happy for you :)

[MsUnexprncd]

yayyy ! Congrats Hope it continues for you and your hubs.