Dating A Married Woman

[Morgan75]

HELLO,

I am a female. I am single.. About 6 months ago a female, Amber got transferred to the location I work. I have worked for the company for 3 years.. She has worked there for 7 years. We knew each other before but over the last 6 months we have gotten to know each other much better. She is married to a man. She has been with him for 9 years married for less than one year. ANYWAY, we started IMing everynight for hours about 5 months ago, constantly texting, calling etc when we weren't at work. Back in October her husband went away. We decided to have a girls weekend away. During that weekend we both drank way too much and she ended up kissing me. Since then we have been having sex 2-3 times a month, gone out shopping spending any time she can find an excuse to not be at home. Her husband around Christmas found some of our IMs.. The IMs were I am sure horrible for him to read. It was about how we planned on buying a house together, how we should get another dog, about maybe having kids etc. He confronted her. LONG story short is we are in love. But, here is the problem..She says that she loves me and is happy when she is with me but doesn't know if she is strong enough to leave him. She said she's not sure how to do it. That's the first problem. She said that she is waiting for one of us to chose for her. She does not want to have to make the decision. Although she says that she has already decided she wants to be with me.. The second issue is that if we were to be together one of us would have to leave our jobs. There is a fraternization policy that would most likely get one or both of us fired. My gut tells me that she loves me and I love her.. Am I being stupid waiting around? Sometimes I think she will never leave. I DO realize it hasn't been THAT long. She has been with him for 9 years and we have only recently connected. I do feel bad sneaking around and watching her lie to him about where she is when he calls. He says that he doesn't like that she "hangs out" with me. But, he is ok as long as we are just friends. AM I crazy? How long should I wait? I love her and I don't want to give up too soon but I don't want to wait around for something that will never happen only getting in deeper each day..........

Any comments are appreciated.............

[Tyger]

I totally agree with Howard. If she wanted to truly make a decision, she would have.

I was in a similar situation years ago, but with a BF of mine. He was dating 2 girls, one, of course, was me. He said he couldn't choose between the 2 of us. He had been dating her for over a year, and we had just reconnected for the summer. So, I gave him a time frame. Being young, and fairly care-free, I didn't care that I was The Other Woman, at the time. Then came the deadline, and he, again, claimed that he loved both of us. I made the choice for him and said, "OK, well here's your choice then. By not making a choice, you have made a choice-see ya later."

It will be hard for you since the both of you work at the same place. But, in all fairness for the both of you, the relationship should end, IMO. Dreaming is good, wanting a future is good. But how good is dreaming and planning, if nobody is willing to put forth the energy and effort to actually DO something to make those things happen?

[Mikayla1]

I am not sure if I agree with Howard here. I think that when people are married the idea of leaving that security, especially for a Lesbian relationship that could cost her her job, family, etc is an extremely daunting ideal. If you both love eachother than she has to leave her hb. It is not good for her to stay with him if she is connected to you.

I am sure her hb is confused and hurt - and he is probably telling her a thousand reasons why she should stay with him. There might also be a sense of relief that she cheated with a woman - and not a man.

I would suggest an ultimatum with a time line. Tell her you love her, you want to be with her and that she has to leave him in a month or a week or 3 months - whatever - and if she doesn't, you are moving on. There is no reason why you should put your life on hold waiting for her and taking the scraps of her relationship.

People always settle for less...do not settle. The fact is, if she loves you, she will leave him...period!

Mikayla

[willtryanything]

I am not sure if I agree with Howard here. I think that when people are married the idea of leaving that security, especially for a Lesbian relationship that could cost her her job, family, etc is an extremely daunting ideal. If you both love eachother than she has to leave her hb. It is not good for her to stay with him if she is connected to you.

I am sure her hb is confused and hurt - and he is probably telling her a thousand reasons why she should stay with him. There might also be a sense of relief that she cheated with a woman - and not a man.

I would suggest an ultimatum with a time line. Tell her you love her, you want to be with her and that she has to leave him in a month or a week or 3 months - whatever - and if she doesn't, you are moving on. There is no reason why you should put your life on hold waiting for her and taking the scraps of her relationship.

People always settle for less...do not settle. The fact is, if she loves you, she will leave him...period!

Mikayla

I have to agree with Mikayla. I think the security is what she is staying with her husband for. Give her time. Maybe take a little break from talking, a few days maybe, so she can see how much she misses you. I know it is very stressful (hate to say it but I have gone and gotten myself into a similar situation with a man) but if she is the love of your life, she is worth waiting for, at least for a little while, just don't wait too long, you could pass up a good opportunity. I hope everything works out for you. Please keep us posted.