Too Young For This!

[crazyforbond]

I am in college and my boyfriend and I are both 20. We have been together for 2 and a half years and have been having sex for 2 of them.

The sex? Well, it just isn't that great, but I love the guy and he is my best friend. He knows that there is a problem but doesn't like to talk about it, and when he does he gets all pouty and sad. The problem is with his penis. It is of normal size, but just doesn't function properly. Sometimes he can get it up, sometimes he can't. Sometimes when he does he either can't cum at all or cums too quickly. Sometimes when he does get it up, it goes soft. I don't think I have ever acheived orgasm. He is not that into sex unless we haven't had it for a while, then he wants it, but his penis doesn't. I want good sex so bad, but just don't want to have to go through the whole process with him. Foreplay is usually real short because he gets soft and sex doesn't last very long at all. I am usually shy about masturbating, but last night I have had enough and bought my first vibrator from tootimid. It seems like we have tried everything to make our sex life amazing, but we can't even reach "average"! I am so frusturated and I know that we are too young to be having these problems!! When we bring up that I don't orgasm, he says that it is mainly my fault because I should know my own body. I am not trying to make it a 'blame game' because I haven't done much with taking my orgasm into my owns hands, but I am now, hence the vibrator purchase.

I am on the pill, sometimes we use condoms, sometimes we don't. We have tried lubricants, different positions, everything but toys because he isn't into that. It is just not working with us!!!

I need some major help because sex sucks! It is just a chore and a stressful event. He gets nervous and then goes limp. I don't want to have sex with him because it is just a stressful and embarassing experience and then he starts to attack me when I don't want to have sex with him, and aaaahhh, I think it is just horrible on all accounts.

Please please please please help me because I KNOW we are too young to be having these problems.

[Mikayla1]

Contrary to what you and others may think, erectile dysfunction issues have no age limit. They strike men who are 50, 70, 20 and even younger. ED is a sensitive issue for all men, and the longer it goes unaddressed, the worse it gets.

Here are my thoughts: your boyfriend is a college student, yes? Well, college is stressful. Stress is a main component of ED issues.

It is a viscious cycle, a man has issues with his penis. Either he is with a new partner and nervous and his penis won't cooperate, or he has been with the same woman and it goes up and down and whatever else. THe more this happens, the more scared the man becomes that it WILL happen, and the more stress he puts on himself the worse it gets. THen, he will refrain from wanting sex for fear of his penis not working. IT is a bad, bad cycle.

I know all about this, my hubby had a similiar issue when he started a new, very stressful job. We had never had problems in the past, and I was concerned. After realizing that it was stress, we began a new approach to sex. We had masturbation only nights - where he could get me off orally or with toys, and then I would get him erect via blowjobs - stating before hand that there would be no sex - and he would always get hard and stay hard. He started to want sex again after realizing that it was the fear of losing the erection that caused the issue. We have not had a problem since.

So, I would first reccommend that he see his doctor. Occassionally, ED can be caused by blood pressure issues, medication he may be taking, urinary issues, low testosterone levels or even cancer. I urge you to get him to go. I know it is embarrassing, but he is young, and I would wager that he has a low hormone level along with other stress factors.

Then, have a talk with him. Tell him that you love him and want him to be happy. Ask him if he can get and maintain an erection when he masturbates. IF he can, then his problem is most likely psychological, with no pressure to please anyone but himself, his erection cooperates with him. If he can not even during masturbation, then he really needs to see a doctor ASAP.

Also, you may want to tell him that you just want to make him feel good. Get naked one evening, tell him to relax that you do not want sex. He will doubt you at first, but continue on. Use your body and rub it all over him, give him the best blowjob ever - letting him cum. If he tried to initiate sex, tell him "NO." If he wants to make you feel good too, encourage him to use his fingers or tongue. Having oral sex can be the best way to become intimate when other things do not work. Ensure him that you do not want to have sex, just fool around. A lot of petting, kissing, touching. Try this a few nights and see what happens. You may be surprised.

Now, there is another possibility, and I only bring it up with the intention of being thorough. He is young, and in his sexual prime. You may want to explore the possibility that he may be gay or bi-sexual. This is not my first thought, but if you are his best friend and have been together for a long time, the last thing he may want to do is hurt you. Let him know in a sensitive manner that you will love and care for him no matter what - that you only want him to be happy. DO NOT CONFRONT or ACCUSE - simply ask.

Ok, I hope this helps you...be patient and understanding and things will get resolved, one way or another!

Mikayla

[calvin]

Hi crazyforbond,

I'm new to this forum, in fact I just signed up because I wanted to reply to your post. This reply is a bit long, sorry about that, but keep with it.

I have had similar problems to your boyfriend, so I wanted to share some advice with you. It's important for you to understand how difficult it is for him to be unable to get and maintain an erection. It made me angry, frustrated, and embarrassed, enough that I wanted to avoid sex altogether - sex just became a frustrating and humiliating experience for me, because i couldnt get it up, which meant we couldnt have sex, and it was all my fault (so i thought). And if it was going to be so unpleasant, it seemed better to avoid the issue by avoiding sex....except that my hormones of course made me want to have sex anyway, so it seemed i was doomed to be frustrated.

So at present, for you both, sex is an area of trouble and stress. But I love the attitude of this website - sex should be adult play - it should be fun! So the biggest question is: how to change it so it is fun for you and your boyfriend again?

One way it could become fun is for your boyfriend to get and maintain a full erection - then you could have lots of sex! But that isnt going to happen UNTIL sex becomes fun again - why not? Put simply, men get erections when they are thinking about all the good things and sensations about sex. They LOSE their erections when they think about other things, and one of those "other things" is "Will I lose my erection?" Its a really sensitive vicious circle - as soon as you start to worry about losing your erection, POOF! there it goes - a self-fulfilling prophecy. And once it's gone, it's hard to get it back.

So what to do? The first thing is to accept that for the time being, penetrative sexual intercourse is not an option - because you need a reliable erection for that, and that's what your boyfriend doesnt have. What's more, if he even thinks that penetrative sex is an option, or is what you really want, he will start thinking about his erection, and POOF! its gone again. So you need to take that option away. Have a "no sex month" where you get naked and play, but no penetrative sex. Get back into touching each others bodies all over, and just enjoying the touch - give him a massage, have a shower together, etc etc. All with sex BANNED - write a written contract between you if it helps, stating the date until which you won't be having sex.

What'll this do? Take all the pressure off him - he doesn't NEED an erection, in fact even if he gets one, it is entirely superfluous to the activity, so he may as well ignore it, so he will stop thinking about it, so he will be free to relax and enjoy the sensations of touch with you...which is of course, exactly the frame of mind he needs to be in TO GET AN ERECTION!! So pretty soon he will start getting erections. Here now it is important to keep to your agreement - still no sex! Don't try to have sex if he gets an erection, because then he'll start thinking about his erection, and POOF! it'll be gone again. Instead, just let him get used to having an erection (that will come and go) and continuing to enjoy the sense of touch. Over time, he'll get used to having one, and he'll gain some confidence that his penis isn't actually broken, and neither is his brain that controls it. The secret is in the frame of mind: relaxed and enjoying the sensations between you, or worrying about his erection? Relaxed is GOOD, worrying is BAD.

Of course, you might want a little more than just touch - if so, learn to get your pleasure in other ways - he can give you oral sex, or use his fingers, or experiment with that vibrator you have bought (if he isnt into toys, talk to him about why - its probably that he is embarrassed, or that sex toys is something "weird pervert couples" do, and he doesnt want to turn into one of those people. )

He might start to find this a bit frustrating mind - all build up and no release. That might help - massive hormone build-up leading to....erections! Or it might be too frustrating - he NEEDS to ejaculate at some point. I felt this need, so what I did is once we were winding up, and ready to go to sleep, I would masturbate. It was embarrassing at first to tell my wife that this is what I wanted to do, and she kept trying to "help" with her hand, but for men, it is much easier to control maturbation (and to orgasm when you only have half an erection) if the man himself is doing the masturbating. So my wife would touch my legs and stomach and butt and balls while I maturbated my penis - it was easy (and thus no stress or worry) for me to come this way, and meant I too could achieve some satisfaction at the end of our touching session. The biggest hurdle, in a way, was me plucking up the courage to tell my wife that this is what I wanted to do.

Here we are getting to the other key point: talk about it. Talk about it ALL. It'll be hard work at first, it's really embarrasing when you start, and hard to get the words out, and you are constantly worrying about what your partner will think when you say what you are thinking but are too frightened to say. But it gets easier. Soon you'll start to laugh as you talk about it. And from then on it'll only get easier.

Educating yourselves and each other is also a key here. Find a book or two on erectile dysfunction (and on sex problems, and on sex generally) and read them and talk about them. You'll start to gain more confidence as you learn more, and as you realise that you two are not the only people this problem affects. Problem shared, problem halved. Soon it'll be FUN solving your problems!

Long reply this, but I want to finish up by reemphasing how difficult and frustrating it is to have difficulties with your erection - it SHOULD get hard, but it won't, and that made me feel like I wasnt a man, and that it was MY FAULT I wasnt a man. My wife is quite shy about sex, and so didnt really know how to help me - I had to figure it out myself, and tell her what I wanted to do, and wanted her to do. But deep down, what I really WISHED would happen is that she would take that workload away, by getting on the internet, doing a load of research, posting on some forums, and coming back and saying "Right, you, I've figured out what to do. First, we're going to agree not to have any sex for a month......etc" That would have helped me HUGELY by taking some of the burden off my shoulders - it was hard enough dealing with the frustration without also having to figure out what to do.

Here is where you come in - it sounds like you have ALREADY started on this process - here you are on a sex advice forum, posting asking for advice and buying a vibrator. GREAT START, well done! You are my dream partner come true!!

So keep researching - find out all you can about erectile dysfunction (this site looks like a good place to do this) and how to start addressing it, then sit your boyfriend down (with some wine? alcohol will help loosen your inhibitions and embarrasment about talking about this difficult subject) and talk to him about how you have been learning about his (actually, both of your) problem and you want to decide with him a course of action. Be as nice as you can to him tho - its a very sensitive area for men. Forgive him if he gets a bit angry or defensive - you keep calm, and show him what you have been learning about.

But take charge of the situation if you can - you be the expert doctor and him the patient. Once he starts to understand that you are taking charge of finding a solution, he will be SO relieved, and he will LOVE you for it.

And it'll be the start of a whole new phase of your relationship. A really fantastic phase. So get started right away. Have fun, and post back to let us know how it is going.

p.s. Dont worry about your age, it's great that you are tacking this when you are still young. I had my first erectile dysfunction when i was 18. I was too insecure and worried by the first sexual situation I had ever been in. I was so nervous about it happening again that I was terrified of girls for years. It took me until I was 24 to first have sex, but later than that (27 or so) before I started to have sex regularly. Finding a good partner was a lot of the problem - it's difficult to practice without one. So don't worry about age, and focus instead on your and your boyfriend's problem.

[Mikayla1]

Thanks Calvin!

You post mimicks a lot of the sentiments in my post, but it is so nice to have the male's point of view here! Let me ask you, have you ever been to the doctor to see about your testosterone level? If not, I would suggest you go, sometimes a simple pill that gives you more testosterone will help. Also, you want to make sure that there are not other issues.

Also, if you want to help boost your confidence there are drugs available that can help you get and maintain that erection - Cialis, Viagra, Levitra. Or, you can try a more natural remedy like a penis pump or a hardening cream. There are options - and your "no sex" option is very, very similiar to what I proposed as well!

Thanks again for your informative and candid post!

Mikayla

[calvin]

Hi Mikayla,

I did once go to a doctor, but only the once, I didnt keep going back. I can't really remember why, but it was a bit stressful so I think I just decided to take things at my own pace. So no, I have never had my testosterone tested, but wouldn't there be other symptoms? Other than that I am pretty normal, and in fact very active - regular sports training etc.

The real giveaway is my state of mind, I think - I am thinking about my erection more than I am thinking about how good things feel - not (as I said above) really the right frame of mind to be in. Also when I do have an erection, I worry if I will be able to come or not - often this happens when my wife gives me oral sex. Generally I find I can only really come when I am on top, because I think my muscles in my thighs and hips contracting helps me to come.

Thats a lot of worrying, isnt it? That seems like the first thing I should work on.

So I am going to try the sex holiday I prescribed, and generally get better at communicating and enjoying, without worrying so much. Communicaiton, and not being shy, is something me and my wife have agreed we need to work on, so I shall let you know how it goes.

That said, some artificial assistance might be nice, even if just to add some fun. What's a hardening cream? Does it really work? Seems like something that might be worth a try. Can you give me some more details?

Calvin

[Mikayla1]

Hi Calvin,

The truth is a low testosterone level can strike a man of any age. If you were older, in your 50's or so, there would be other symptoms besides the lack of stamina and erection strength. However, in a younger man, the other symptoms are masked. It is still a real possibility.

Also, you should have your DR run tests for blood flow - many, many, many men have issues with their erection which are related to a faulty valve in the base of the penis. When the blood flows in - this valve fails to close, or doesn't close all the way - and the blood slowly flows back out again. This is a very common problem. When my hubby went through his issues and went to the doctor, they checked him for this too. He was OK, but a friend of mine's husband had the flow issue. This can be fixed wtih drugs like Cialis or the other erection enhancers. Those drugs make the blood flow faster and stronger into the penis. The nice thing about them is, they will not give you an erection if you are not horny - i.e. you have to want sex to get the erection.

I believe your issues is most likely psychological (i.e. worry makes the erection weaker) and it is a vicious cycle. I am glad you are taking the sex holiday and looking into other ways to pleasure yourselves.

Let me ask you a personal question: when you masturbate, do you have issues? If NO, then you are definitely worried about maintaining and performing. However, if you have issues even then, I would SERIOUSLY consider looking into other possibilities.

Now, as for products that may help you - there is a cream called "Max Hard-on Cream"

http://shop.tootimid.com/index.asp?PageAct...amp;ProdID=4759

There are other creams that may also work for you - try them. Also, have you considered a cock ring? A cock ring helps where that valve may be failing. Rings help to keep the blood flow IN the penis. I highly suggest trying one.

One final thought, if you have never looked into Tantric Sex, DO IT. There is a whole section in most Tantric Books on having sex with a "soft-on" - yes, penetration while soft. There are different concepts of pleasure and connection that can really work to get you back in the saddle again, while coming to the realization that you may not always get hard. Take a look at it, I can recommend some books if you would like.

Have a good day!

Mikayla

[calvin]

Hi Mikayla,

No, I don't generally have problems while masturbating. I did for a little while, but it was mainly I think because I was "testing myself" to see if I could get an erection. If I am looking at some good pornography and I am properly in the mood then no problem with my erection while maturbating. So it does look more psychological. I will think about going to the doctor, but for now I think I will continue with the sex holiday and just getting into a better frame of mind.

I find also during sex sometimes my mind wanders. I will find myself thinking about something else entirely, not even things I am worried about, just other stuff in life. I caught myself doing it last night while my wife was touching me all over, and I thought "This isnt right, I should be thinking about how what my wife is doing feels". So I made an effort to concentrate on that and I did get some erection back. I need to learn to focus more on the here-and-now, I think. I am a bit of a worrier by nature.

I will think about buying a cock ring though. We have started talking about buying toys so that might be a good place to start. I like the idea so I'd like to try it out. For that reason alone it is worth buying one maybe. I will look at that cream as well, again it can't hurt to try it out.

Thanks for your advice. This isn't the easiest thing in the world to talk about, and I was very nervous when I first registered, so I really appreciate your replies.

Calvin

[calvin]

Thanks for the advice Howard, I will try that. That's roughly what we have been starting to do anyway- have sex without my cock being a key part of the experience. We are I guess just learning to really communicate what we like and don't like, and to experiment with different ways of enjoying sex.

And Mikayla - I had a look at low testosterone on google, and I have enough of the symptoms to think it is probably worth looking into. I take a lot of exercise, though not an excessive amount, and in the last few years I have been plagued by minor injuries and muscle soreness. I am also more short-tempered than I used to be, and enjoy life a little less, which all seem to be associated with low testosterone. And then of course there is my low sex drive and erection difficulties.

I have a hospital appointment this week for back pain, which I suppose may or may not be related, but either way I have decided I will use this opportunity to ask about the possibility that I may have low testosterone levels. It can't hurt to ask, I guess, although it may be a bit embarrassing.

I will post again and let you know how it goes.

Calvin

[tpaman1132]

From a sexy oldster, age 70, let me warn all male readers of any age about the problem of low testosterone. Testosterone level is something that a Dr DOES NOT automatically check when he takes the blood tests during your annual physical exam. Those 3 vials of blood drawn check for many things, including possible postrate problems, but not Testosterone level. YOU HAVE TO ASK THE DR SPECIFICALLY TO CHECK FOR TESTOSTERONE LEVELS, guys! Then it gets done.

If you are having any kind of erection problem, loss or lessing of sexual desire, etc, get your Testosterone level checked at your next annual exam. And ask to try a Prescription supplement if your results are still within acceptable ranges, but on the low side of the range. You may find a simple answer if you are experiencing any kind of male performance, or interest, problem.

Grandpa

[wonderwoman]

FYI if your testosterone is low - hormone replacement will make you sterile. If you are wanting to have kids you need to go to a urologist that handles reproductive matters. There are things to take that will raise your testosterone without killing your swimmers.