calvin

Hi Jez, just my two cents, but here's my suggestions: 1. Talk to your gf about what you have talked about on this forum, it'll really help everything if you are both on the same page. Try opening with something like "i know sometimes i can be a bit too controlling ...." and tell her that you are aware of the problem and that you want to do something about it, for both of you. 2. Try blush's idea - for fun, one evening give HER control of what is going on. If you and she are both up for it then tying you up would probably really make it clear who was in control - you wouldnt be able to take control away from her so you'll just have to lie there and take what she gives. It might be an interesting experience for you both that you could talk about later. It might also help you see that sometimes you can enjoy sex without being in control all the time. Even if you go back to your normal routine next time, at least you will have tried something new and probably learned from it. Hope that is of some use calvin

Hi again guys, sorry it has been so long, i didnt realise nearly a month has gone by since i posted. I wanted to let you know how it went. It didnt go that well, actually. We watched the movie in bed on my laptop, but neither of us really got into it, i guess we were both maybe too self-concious to get aroused, but we did talk as we were watching, and agreed that it was partly the "falseness" of the movie that bothered us, so we agreed to try another movie next time. We turned this one off after about 30mins though, it wasnt really working for us. Maybe next time we should try mikayla's monkey see game, i can see how that might be fun. We might have needed to get a little more active. But I do have some good news too - the vibrator i bought from too timid (the jade climax, or something like that) went down very well indeed, my wife loved it, especially with lots of lube, she really got into it. it was a surprise, and i covered her head with a duvet so that she didnt get to see it before she felt it, add a little suspense. She seemed to enjoy, and she agreed that was much better than the porn, so this also means that we are having honest discussions about what we do and dont like, which is also a step in the right direction. Maybe we'll give porn another try though - anyone any good dvd suggestions? And the other thing we both have decided we love is lube. Its adding a real extra dimension, my wife is not particularly dry or anything but generous amounts of lube on my cock and in her vagina is really adding to the fun. I've started to realise that my erection difficulties were a lot to do with my getting what i needed to turn me on (mainly because i either didnt know what would work, or was being to shy about asking for what i wanted.). Lube really does it for me , and now i'm getting that, no erection problems! thanks again for the advice, it's good to have somewhere to go, this stuff is still not something i feel i could discuss with any of my friends, this forum provides a real service. best calvin

thanks for the advice guys, really helpful. I dont think it really a case of me "trying to get her to do something", nor is porn something that particularly turns me on and that i really want to turn her on too (of course it does turn me on), the situation is more like we agreed we wanted to try new things and this is something new we havent done, and I am trying to take the initiative, but it does make me nervous. I dont think i will scare her off any, and if we just watch it and have a laugh thats fine with me. It'd probably help us be less reserved having sex if we have seen some other people being totally unselfconcious about it, kind of an example for us to follow. If she's not into it then that is fine with me, trying new stuff is what its about, to find out what we do and dont like (until recently we didnt really communicate about that at all) Anyway thanks for the tips, I'll have another think about the best way to approach this, and I'll let you know how it goes Calvin

hi all, I've bought an adult dvd (pirates - i wanted something quality) which will be the first time me and my wife have ever watched one together (she doesnt know i've got it yet). I got it for us to watch together, but now i'm nervous about bringing it up, even tho in a discussion we had quite a while ago porn was one of the things we felt we could try. So if anyone's got any encouragement or advice about how to go about this, I'd be really grateful. I really just need some encouragement to get going, otherwise it might sit hidden in a drawer for months. I did this once before - there is a vibrator hidden in a cupboard in our house still in its packaging. I bought it in a local sex shop, but on reflection its too big, so instead i have ordered something smaller from tootimid as our first vibrator (we have a kind of bullet already, which we are using). I dont want to scare her off. Anyway having done that with the vibrator (which really is a bit big for a first, i think), there is clearly a chance i could do the same with the dvd. thinking about watching with her makes me really nervous. any encouragement is really appreciated thanks for any comments calvin

Hi jhard, reading this thread, it seems like you have very similar problems to my wife and i, we also both grew up in environments where affection and sex weren't really discussed (they weren't taboo, but werent really openly discussed either, i guess like us, our parents didnt know how). WHich means we havent seen any really good examples of how to discuss them, so we're having to figure it out for ourselves. I know I still have difficulty bringing up the subject of sex sometimes, but it is getting easier (in waves, one day up the next day down) so the message (for you and for us) is to keep practicing. Low self-esteem is a problem, a great book that really helped me is "feeling good" by David D Burns, its a classic in psychology i think, but also a really practical self-help workbook. You and your wife might find it helps. Taking compliments badly is a classic sign of negative thinking, and that book can help you (either of you) understand the thoughts that are going on. I read the book and kept thinking "oh wow, i do that", realising that is something i could change - just realising is a huge part. your depression is also perfectly natural, so dont be too hard on yourself about it. but depression comes from lack of hope, and it sounds like you have got some hope going on now. I hope your no-kids trip goes well. Hopefully in amongst playing with the toys you'll have a lot of open honest discussion about how you both feel. I know from experience that part is hard to do at first, but it gets easier It sounds like you really love your wife and are really committed to working with her to make good the things in your marriage that are not so satisfactory (even when that involves doing things that make you 'feel like a boob'). SHe's a lucky woman. Let us know how that trip goes. Calvin

I think the original question was actually what to use lube for in sex, so I'll highjack this thread back on topic and say that my wife and i just discovered the joys of lube - it really adds soemthing to the sensations even when it isnt really necessary (we dont do anal). I love it when my wife gets some lube on my cock during foreplay (especially if that lube is still kind of cold, brr), and she loves it when i add some lube to her clit as we are having sex. So i guess it adds fun. I've never used sex lube for anything else tho, i'm male so I know to run get the WD40 when something squeeks (hope that doesnt sound sexist) Hope that answers your question Calvin PS a whole rash of posts from me this evening, I am hoping to get on this board a little more regularly now, life has calmed down from a kind of stressful period and I may actually now have some free time)

It sounds like you are in a rut, and that sex is no the adult play time it should be (I got that from this forum, of course, and it is EXACTLY right). As well as focussing on the specific problem, try working on your communicating (including communicating to him that it is HIS turn now, so just lay back and enjoy it - and tell you what feels best so you can do more of it) and trying new things and discussing what you liked and didnt like. Me and my wife just discovered that lube really does it for both of us - by trying something new (the lube) and then talking about how it went after we had finished. Getting him to breathe and relax as you are having sex might help too - try one of the tantric breathing exercises maybe (i havent tried this yet, but it is on the list). Hope that helps Calvin

Hi Vanilla Bean, I had that problem just recently. My wife and I just tried the her-on-top position for the first time a couple of weeks ago (she wanted to try it out), it felt good to me (and my wife) and I was enjoying the view and the different position, but my erection wasn't as full as it needed to be, and eventually we switched positions to me on top, which worked much better. Thinking about it afterwards, I think there were a couple of factors going on. The first was that my wife wasnt really moving up and down my shaft, she was sitting right up to the hilt, and gyrating, which was good for her but not so good for me - I think i needed more stimulation up and down the shaft. Secondly, it seems to be much better for me when I have got my weight on my legs and can move my pelvis around - all the muscles contracting as I move, and the weight (often I kind of kneel, rather than laying straight-legged on top) adds to the sensation. When i was on the bottom I was kind of trapped under my wife and couldnt move around as much, and there was no weight on my muscles either. Maybe the same would be true of your husband? If so, you could try moving up and down his shaft more (more stimulation to more of his penis), and maybe see if you can get him to move up and down into you? I'm gonna try these with my wife next time we try that position. There's one more thing that you might want to consider - that your husband has himself psyched out in that position. Maybe because it hasnt worked in the past, as soon as he gets in that position he starts thinking it won't work again, instead of thinking about all the sexy thoughts that would lead to a full erection. I know that's partly my problem, and something I need to work on, so it might be the same for your husband. In my experience (which is quite a lot - I had erection problems for a while - a lot better now tho, thanks in great part to this wonderful forum ) it seemed to all boil down to one thing: what i was thinking. One other idea might be for you to try this position when its been a little while since your last sex - a build up of pressure there will give your husband a better erection. Be sure to include lots of flirting and build-up too, starting early in the day, way before you get to bed. Try those ideas - my guess is that its probably not a blood flow issue at all. Hope that helps - post back and let us know how you get on Calvin

Hi CatJ, welcome to the forum, I was really nervous when I first posted too, I still am a little I guess, but people here are really welcoming so read around and join in the fun, looking forward to seeing you post again. And isnt it weird how our bodies are the most natural things in the world, but somehow we end up feeling so self-concious about them? Here is probably a good place to start understanding that your body is totally natural and so nothing to be embarrassed about at all. Calvin

Howard, reading and translating them together is a really good idea - I wonder why I didnt think of it? Thanks for the suggestion, I will print out a couple so we can read them together. And of course, simply looking at articles about sex together will be a good way of dispelling the embarrasment we feel. I'll let you know how it goes. Calvin

Hi all, Howard, I like your idea about the rooms, actually no, we have only had sex in the bedroom, and the bathroom a couple of times, so I guess there is lots of room for exploration. Your idea about us reading the sex ed articles together is a good one, with one small hitch - without giving too much away (maybe I will become a little more confident posting here as time goes on) we live abroad, and whilst I am fluent in my wife's language, her english is not enought to be able to read those articles. I may try translating a couple, but do so is more time-consuming than you might think. I am trying to share some of the ideas though, and have told her about this site. Pappy - why with the lights off? My wife tends to get rather embarrassed with the lights on, though we have made some progress here, and have left a small night light on a couple of times recently. I like it, since I get to see whats going on, but my wife is less keen at the moment, though hopefully will get more used to the idea. And yes, we did christen the cuffs. I was wearing them - it was interesting, I think it might get better once I get my wife to understand that once she has power over me, she can tease me as much as she likes. Now THAT i find a turn-on. I'll let you know how that goes. Again, mostly we need to get better at knowing what we want and like, and communicating that to each other. I guess both of us are still not really in touch with that side of ourselves. That's why this site has been such an eye-opener - people who seem very nice and normal (and so friendly and welcoming) talking all about sex in such an open way. Hopefully it'll be lots of fun learning from you all Calvin

Hi all, I posted a while ago having erection problems, but then life got pretty hectic (work and study) and so I put this forum on hold, though I have been back to lurk from time to time. Life is back under control though, so I thought it's about time I posted again. I have had time to think during this period, and I have definitely figured out what the problem was. It was pretty straightforward, once I started looking at it from the right direction (for opening my eyes, I have this forum to thank) - sex was boring. It was always the same, there was no thrill of new stuff, and me and my wife were pretty much doing it by the numbers. It seems that we both have lots to learn. Neither of us were really communicating what we wanted, either because we were too embarrased, or because we just didnt know what we wanted. And we weren't ever doing anything new, which meant the thrill had really gone. But we have made some progress lately. I bought my wife a novelty toy kit (a vibrator, a feather and some velcro handcuffs) for her birthday, along with a book, and that started the conversation going, albeit slowly. We are starting to become a little more open about sex, instead of it being something we never talk about (or do) outside of bed with the lights off. We still have some way to go, but we are making progress. And a few days ago I ordered my first tootimid purchase - the karma sutra board game. Reading mikayla's review it seems like that would be just the thing to get us talking about sex more openly, as well as experimenting with new things. That's all for now, I just wanted to re-introduce myself, I should be able to post more regularly now - I will probably do so just as a way of charting our progress. Thanks to all the regular posters on this forum - it's a real eye-opener to see people discussing sex so openly. Calvin

wow, can I expect 29 replies every time I post a quick update? Thanks for the encouragement speedemon, the best bit about it was that it was really fun for us both! On the other debate, I applaud tootimid's stance: follow your doctor's advice. Doctors are human, and as such they do not know everything and are not always right. Nevertheless, you should think long and hard before going against their advice, because for the most part they know a lot more about medecine than you, the patient, though as the patient you will be an authority on your own body and how it feels. If you do decide to go against your doctor's advice, it will be your responsibility, so do think long and hard - especially with something as common as childbirth, they do know what they are talking about. But to my mind, in this case, the bigger question is: why not wait? Sex is important of course, but surely it can wait six weeks where the new mother's health might become an issue. To put it another way: what is the benefit of not waiting, and how does it weigh up against the risk? It seems to me that waiting would be a safe choice with only a minor down side - a lack of sex for the woman (presumably the man can still get some sex if the woman is willing to give oral or manual assistance). Just my two cents worth. I shall be sure to post another update soon!

Hi all, I wondered why there were 16 replies to my post Thanks for your encouragement Mikayla. Me and my wife had some great sex last night. She teased me for a long time and I had no problem with my erection, it was raring to go. Eventually we got to having sex and it was great, but when it came to time to finish I couldnt - probably because I was trying to hard, I guess. But I didnt get down about it, we had a rest and I told her the same thing, that I thought I was trying to hard to finish. After a rest we both masturbated me to a pretty intense orgasm. I'm mainly pleased that I didnt let it bother me that I couldnt finish, it only makes things worse if I get depressed about it. Also we did take a shower together for the first time in a long time the other night, it was good to see each other naked with the lights on, I think Howard is right that showering together is a great way to get comfortable naked. I can't comment on the other stuff in this thread, we dont have any children, not yet anyway, but it sounds to me like listening to your doctor is probably a good idea. Calvin

I'm far from an expert, but it sounds like sex was working for you before but isnt at the moment. Maybe you and your partner need to have a talk about it, see if you can figure out why it isnt working for you. Maybe you just need to try some new things to put some excitement back in, for you and your partner. Have a look around the tootimid sex education section and try to find something new do try. Hope that helps. Calvin