Is It Cheating...?

[charma]

I'm not sure where to begin with this. I suppose the beginning would be a good place. I have been married for almost 7 years to a very nice guy. The past couple of years have gone downhill for us. The feelings aren't there anymore...we are more like friends. Over the past six months we have been discussing divorce, and more recently have decided that divorce is the best thing for us both. We have a few issues we are trying to resolve before filing so it may take a few months to get things rolling legally. But emotionally and physically we have decided that it is over.

Also over the past five months I have met someone online. We met in a chat room. At first it was just someone to talk to about my marriage problems and such. But the past two months things have evolved quickly. I feel very close to this person. We chat and email daily. We are on the phone a few times a week for hours and hours. I can't say that I love this person, especially since we have never met, but feelings are developing fast. We have a definite emotional connection which I have never had with someone at this level before. We are planning on meeting in June/July. My question...am I cheating on my husband?? He does know about this person and says that an emotional connection is worse than a purely physical one because it involves the heart and I suppose he is right. But we have decided that we are over. After talking with my best friend about it she says that yes I am cheating on him even though we discussed and decided on divorce because it isn't final yet.

So I guess my first big question is if/when I meet this other person this summer and we end up sleeping together will that be considered cheating?? Should I file for divorce/get legally seperated before meeting??

My second big dilema is this...the other person is a woman. My husband has made the comment that he doesn't want the kids growing up with someone who "doesn't like them". But I know he was referring to the fact that it is a woman and not a man that I am interested in. I wonder if he would have legal grounds to take the kids from me for being in an untraditional relationship. That worries me a lot.

[Mikayla1]

Ok, first to address the original post....you have given us a snipet of what is probably a long, detailed story. For example, how is your sex life in the marriage? How long have you felt disconnected to your hubby? Have you ever cheated on him in the past?

If you are talking divorce, and you are sure that there is no "love" left in the marriage, then divorce is definitely your option. When people try and try to make marriage work and things just do not work out, then staying together for the kids or for money is NOT worth it. The kids get more damaged and money is not worth unhappiness.

Also, you indicate that you are connected now to a woman - meaning, you are bi-curious. If you are not attracted to your hb but are attracted to women, then that is the best reason to leave the marraige. Hey, no man nor woman wants to be married to someone who is simply not into them at all.

Of course he is dissing you about being interested in women, his fragile ego is shattered. It would be the same if a woman found out that her man was gay. It works either way. No one would advocate staying in a marriage where you are clearly unhappy.

Now, as for the issue of keeping your kids, let me ask you this: do you beat your children? Do they go unfed or unclothed? Could you provide a good life for them, schooling, friends, etc? If so, then there is no way you would lose your children. I do not know what Toocan knows about the law, but in this country gay couples are awarded custody and even allowed to adopt more now than ever before. As long as you are not engaging in your sexual activity in front of your children he really has no right to complain or to try to take them away. I will warn you however, divorce is a messy situation, and depending on where you live and what type of judge you get, it might be an ugly scene if your hb goes in complaining that his wife is a dirty, disgusting lesbian!

There is no crime in being homosexual, and if it were me, I would want to make the transition the best for my family as possible. I would be honest with my kids if they were old enough, and if not, perhaps shelter them from it for a while. In a world where dual Mommy and Daddy homes are becomming more common, I doubt anyone could prove that this is something damaging.

As for meeting with this woman - technically, if you engage in sex or even intimate behavior and are still married, it is cheating. If you do not want to cheat on him (which seems odd, since you indicated this total separation from him in spirit) then get a legal separation first, at least to ease your own feelings on the matter.

Now, to Toocan, of course you can give your opinion, but to indicate that this woman would lose her kids because she is not heterosexual is just wrong. Unless you live in some podunk place where the gays are still just "roomates" being gay is NOT grounds for loosing custody. You may not like the idea, you may be disgusted by it, and that IS your OPINION - but legally speaking, she is not in grave danger of losing her children - as long as all of my previous questions are answered appropriately.

I wish you the best of luck hon, sounds like you have a lot to figure out. Just remember, staying in a marriage where you are not happy does more damage than leaving ...I guarantee that!

Mikayla

[nosleepnmesa]

Let me start by saying Mikayla is correct and saying that you would not lose your kids, as long as you are not beating them and you are caring for them. I am going to share with you a true story. My best friend in the whole world, we have been friends since high school, yes we have had our ups and downs but then again what friends don't. She was married to what we both thought was a wonderful man, right out of high school. As they grew up, per say, they feel out of love and touch with each other, they tried marriage counseling, talking etc.. They did have one son during their marriage. The finally agreed to get a divorce, well during all their discussion etc,, she mentioned to him that she has fallen for a women, he made all the numerous threats etc... I believe he made them more out of hurt then anything, said he would fight her tooth and nail, and that what was she trying to do teach her son that it is okay to be bi or gay. Well he did fight tooth and nail in court and HE LOST. They do share joint custody of their son, she has been with Dawn for 15years, her husband after he finally relized that he was in the wrong to judge gay parents, they are now best friends although divorced they are still friends and on Birthdays etc, they all get togeather. Now I know this is a very rare situation. In this country gays are aloud to adopt and raise children. I know that alot of people are HIGHLY against this but you know their son is a wonderful fun loving teen. He has a great girl friend ect..

Okay as far as Toocans comment, I want to assure you that as long as you are not abusive, you feed and cloth your child, if in school they are going to school ect or being home taught you will not lose your child. I don't know what country Toocan is from but in this one I wouldnt worry. The story above is true, and dont think for one minute that her husband didnt try to say that she was abusive ect, they found no evidance of it and like i said the judge awarded joint custody.

Now as far as is it cheating, have you ever cheated on him? Talking online and becoming connect with someone whether male or female isnt cheating, until you are either cybering, webcaming, dirty talking etc..... I have numerous friends online, we talk about everything, from children to family issues to martial problems ect...

Okay I could go on and on but now I think I am just babbling away. I just wanted to share my best friend's story with you to show you that what Toocan said is in correct in this country. Keep us posted. Good Luck to you!

[Tyger]

Well, Mikayla and Katt have said pretty much everything I was going too, probably more elequently as well!! So long as the children are well provided for, and you can care for them, there should be no reason for not having joint custody.

IMO, yes, you would be cheating on your husband if you engage in any sexual activity before getting even a legal seperation. Most courts would see it that way as well. Some states don't even DO/RECOGNIZE legal seperations, so it's best to check in your state. Here in Texas, there no longer is such a thing as legal seperations. You're either married, or you're not.

You're probably feeling starved for an emotional and physical connection, if things are as empty as they sound by your post. However, you will feel that much more stronger if you wait until you're either seperated or divorced, before engaging in any sort of sexual activity involving another person. Plus, it sets a good example to your kids, and to the soon-to-be ex, that you at least will honor the vows you made, until they're dissolved, legally. And, IF the divorce turns nasty, which, a lot do, when involving kids and bruised egos, you want to put forth the best possible face you can. Showing and proving that you are responsible, no matter how bad things seem. Things that CAN be proven can impact a case a great deal.

In my divorce from my first husband, I could've easily had had sex with a couple of different men, and nobody would be the wiser to it. Except myself. I chose to abstain until I had a legal seperation in place, just for my own moral comfort level.

The only thing I will say in Toocan's defense, though I don't like it, is that, he is right, that in some parts of the country (I happen to live in part of one), they are still very close minded about homosexuality. Good ole boys and gals are what you're suppose to be. Lots of judges still think this way as well. Constitutional or not. It's a sad fact of life. This can be a good reason to wait until the divorce is finalized, and custody is set, before engaging in anything. If you live in a small town, you know people talk. And word of mouth can be very harmful in a bitter divorce. I hate saying that, since I believe, personally, that everyone has a right to be happy, no matter what their sexual orientation.

Everyone has a right to their opinions, and, unfortunately, some people have more power with their opinions than others.

I hope you much happiness and peace.

[Mikayla1]

First of all, I am not trying to change your opinion, I am trying to state a FACT here. Whether or not you condone of homosexuality does not matter to me, it is YOUR opinion and I do realize that nothing I say about it will change it.

What I am stating is a legal fact. In this country there have been GIANT strides where it comes to homosexuality. Now, while some states still think a little "backward" on the subject, I doubt that even those states would deny at least partial custody to a mother or father who was homosexual. You may think this is an opinion, but it is fact - legal fact. As I have spent quite a bit of time in law school, as well as with a bunch of lawyers, I can assure you, if this person is not abusing her children or neglecting them, or flaunting her new lifestyle choice in their lives in some disgusting manner, there would be little reason to not grant her full or even parial custody. Again, this is not my OPINION, this is my CONCLUSION based on legal facts and research.

So, while it is true that we do not agree on much of anything, I will say that we agree on one thing, I will never be able to change your opinion, and that is just fine - cause what you say is your thoughts, and what I say are mine - neither is better than the other, but sometimes there is a right and a wrong - and sometimes both of us have been WRONG!

Mikayla

[Mikayla1]

Ok Toocan, let me try and explain this as I understand it, I have quite a few gay and lesbian friends (and am bisexual myself) so let me see if my explanation helps.

FIrst, there are those homosexual people who know from early on that they are attracted to the same sex. This is the majority of cases, even if these people attempt heterosexual relationships, they are truly "born with 'it"" as the phrase goes. These people always feel a connection, a sexual attraction to the same sex, and not to the opposite.

Second, along the same lines, there are those people who have been told that love is between a man and a woman and that anything other is an abomination, wrong, evil, etc. THey have the feeling of sexual attraction to the same sex, but they try to fight it or ignore it to make everyone else happy. Some people "fake" their attraction to their wives or husbands for their whole lives, never being truly happy. Or, they go outside their marriage in secret relationships to get their sexual fullfillment - either way, this does not serve the person or his significant other.

Third, there are those people like myself who believe that sex can be fullfilling either way. They enjoy sex with men and women - perhaps not equally. These bi-sexual people are attacted to men and women - and enjoy pleasure for pleasure's sake. Some never make a decision on which "side" they wish to fall. This is most often a situation with women, most men who enjoy homosexual sex prefer that over standard sex. Women have a natural attraction to one another. For me, once I decided to be with my hubby, I decided to be with ONLY him. I love him and only him. Do I still find women attractive - YES. However, I do not have an overwhelming need or desire to be with a woman because my hubby fullfills my needs so well.

Fourth, there are a small percentage of people who simple go along with "peer pressure" and try all kinds of different of sex. They may have a preference for one or the other, but they "sew their oats" so to speak on both sides of the fence. These people are bi-curious.

Fifth, there are those people who are strickly heterosexual, like you, who do NOT have any inkling to be with the same sex. They are repulsed and do not understand the attraction or need to be with a partner of the same sex.

Those persons who do not understand how someone could be attracted to someone of the same sex, are often repulsed by it and sickened by the idea. This is completely fine, however, you have to realize that those truly "gay" persons feel the same way about sex with someone of the opposite sex. There are far more truly gay or lesbian people than those in the middle ground.

So, to answer your question, this poster probably never felt satisfied with her husband. She most likely always felt drawn to women and wanted to explore this. She has had time to decide what she wants, and being with a man is no longer fullfilling her. She needs to explore the other avenues. That is my feeling about that.

I hope this helped you a bit. Tolerance and acceptance are good things in this world - since there are so many different people around. I understand what feelings you might have on the subject, but here, on this forum, there are all kinds, and we want to try to not offend anyone.

Mikayla

[telecom69]

timid and shy,

Is it cheating if your husband is banging or getting banged by some guy? Of course it is. Your sexual preference is your choice, that isn't the issue here.

Telecom