Frustrated.

[Sin_Alas]

My SO and I have been together for two years as of this coming June. Our relationship has had some rocky bits, mostly due to my bad decisions (but we won't get into that here). Overall, though, we've stuck together very well and the sex has been great from the very beginning... up until recently. So I'd like some advice on how I can put things together. Good luck reading all this.

When we met it was just after high school graduation and we were already going to separate colleges, so I thought it'd just be a summer fling. It turned out long-distance just before we got serious, he was in Pittsburgh and I was an hour and a half (at least) away all week long. He drove up to see me about twice a month and after we started having sex (a few weeks after move-in, haha) we usually locked ourselves in the dorm room and fucked like rabbits. Then I moved in with him for a little while last summer, during a big move for both of us - I was moving out of the dorms, and he was moving out of his apartment and transferring to my college to be with me in the fall. The sex over the summer wasn't -as- great but we were both stressed with moving and cleaning, and he worked 60-hour weeks (sometimes less) so his energy was low. We still managed at least every other day, though, and got a good amount of variety.

Well, now we're in the new apartment, together 24-7, and at first it was great and fantastic but then we had to find jobs and school started and it's all gone downhill. I'm in classes 20.5 hours a week and work 12/hrs a week including two late nights on the two busiest days. The first part of the week I'm usually too far gone to want sex when I get home, even though he's home all day most days (he has classes, but skips them frequently - another issue we're working on because it's not that he's dumb, just bored). He's always been open about masturbating and while he plays a lot when I'm around, he hasn't masturbated to orgasm in front of me for a long time - he just tells me that he's done it while I've been away. I'm ok with that, as long as he wants sex later... but now we're at the point that we have sex a few times a month, or slightly more.

The problem is multi-faceted. He wants sex, but only rarely when I'm home or willing, mostly it's while I'm at school or at 2 or 3am when I've been home from work for a little while and am starting to think about bed, if my homework is done. Then he will spring this on me and I feel obligated to at least jerk him off so he doesn't feel neglected, although I don't feel satisfied at all with what I'm doing and I'm sure neither does he. When I want sex it's midafternoon or early evening when there's either no time (due to my class/work schedule) or he's distracted by online games, his latest hobby (modding Nerf guns), etc. He'll give in and tease when I come on to him, but hasn't actually fucked me when I've asked for a very long time. When he does, it's "letting me" and I know it because he just lays there and takes it from me, and it takes him longer to finish. Even worse, he'll tease when I feel like it, go lie down or join me on the bed, and then he'll just fall asleep, and he's a heavy sleeper. He's done it before, infrequently, and it causes me real frustration and pain. He says it's because he can feel comfortable with me, but I can't quite believe it. I feel like he's somehow less attracted to me now even though I don't know why or what I've done, and it's hurting us both because I'm frustrated and less likely to be open to sex at all considering his recent behavior. I don't want to tell him I want something if he's going to deny it over and over, even if it's just "accidentally" falling asleep. Who would want their hopes crushed every time?

This is going to hurt our relationship if we don't get it worked out, but I don't know how to bring it up without him twisting it into an accusation against him, and either he'll turn it back at me from there, or I'll just guilt myself into thinking it's my fault (he has a gift for twisting arguments which I admire but in personal situations it can sting like hell). He goes noncommunicative any time I try to point out flaws, and I get so frustrated trying to get through and make him talk to me that eventually I just give up. I love him as a person and I really want this to work out well for both of us but it seems like we're making it tough for ourselves.

Is there anything I can do to get him to listen to me, or to increase the chances that we'll both want sex at the same time, so we can enjoy each other again? Also: I'm shy about directly asking during sex, because I'm worried he'll take it as critcism, but I really want him to do things like hold me down, or tease me for long periods of time (when we have time), the way he used to when we were a new couple. Any tips for helping me gain the confidence to direct him better during sex, and get me off the top every once in a while?

Thanks in advance,

Vida Sin Alas

[JackieM3117]

I'm actually going through a bit of similar situation, although it's not quite as bad as what you are going through.

You should start by very openly telling him that you do not feel as though you are having intercourse regularly enough and that you really miss having it with him. Go ahead and flatter his ego a little if you want, if you feel comfortable talking dirty say something like "I miss your big dick pounding my tight little pussy". Nothing like a compliment to warm a person up to any ideas you want to propose. What my boyfriend and I did was look at our class schedules and what not, and look to see what would be the best times for us to have our "together" time. We don't live actually live together, but we make time to see each other on these days in these time slots (we worked it out to have sex twice a week).

Secondly, we share with each other when we like something the other is doing sexually, or has done in the past (i.e. "i really love it when you hold me down, it gets me so turned on"). If you are getting tired of doing a particular position, say something like "Oh hun, would you do my doggy-style, I love it so much when you do that."

As far as the teasing you and then not letting you have it, I would communicate that to him. If he doesn't desist, do it to him... when you go to jerk him off those time he solicits you, get him nice and hard, and then just don't finish... flash him a smile and say "lets see how you like being teased" and walk away.

I hope this helps

-JMM

[Tyger]

Welcome, welcome! I can tell by your post that this has been bothering you for quite a while now, as well it should.

Many couples, finding the day-to-day stresses of life in general, find that sex sometimes takes a back burner. And many couples are not on the same "sex schedule". So, you aren't alone.

However, him falling asleep because "he's just so comfortable with you" while you're obviously making an effort to Get It On, isn't a good thing, and that's a load of BS for an excuse, IMO. And him just laying there, and not showing any effort in pleasing you, basically being a live dildo, isn't a good thing either.

It's very hard to confront anyone with problems in the bedroom. Especially those of which who are gifted in the art of making the other person feel responsible. That person tries to make themselves feel and look better by turning everything around on the actual person getting hurt. And, it's unfair. It's also hard to try and have a constructive conversation with such a person. Such a person is a control freak, and likes to have things done on their terms, on their time. And if it's inconvenient to them, they WILL let you know, in any way possible. Usually, the most hurtful. But, if you truly care for this guy, and want to make the relationship work, then an effort has to be made.

You have one step-up than a lot of others. You are aware of the type of person he really is. You know what will get him into that mode. So, as such, you need to create a dialogue that will fit his style of thinking, and twisting. Write it down if you have too. Put your thoughts and feelings down on paper. Have that with you as you speak to him. That way, you can stay focused and on track. Making him feel less attacked is going to be tricky. But using general statements, such as "I've noticed that we haven't...." Or, "why hasn't this happened?" Now sticking with not saying "you" is almost impossible, and takes effort. But he should also be aware of what he's doing that makes you feel bad. As well as you fully acknowledging your faults as well. Try not to dwell on one particular issue. State your case, what you've thought of as a solution, and move on. It may take several conversations, or you may just want to lay all of your cards out on the table.

I hope this has helped a bit. Good luck to you!

[Mikayla1]

I feel for your situation, but let me assure you, it is not only his fault, or yours - it is a combination of "faults."

Why do I suggest that you have responsibility here? Well, you say when you get home you have classwork and chores and whatever other responsibilities. I understand COMPLETELY the pull of having homework - I graduated from my Master's program with a 4.3 GPA (which is beyond an A average) - and I always made time for sex - you have to also.

This means, when you are ready and willing for sex, take some time do have it! What harm will an hour break to "fuck like rabbits" cause? You can do your homework AFTER you have fucked your guy. You ask what has changed since your early days - I can answer that in one word - FUN! When couples get into the "real world" of living together or being married, they find that sex and love are work - and that is what they are - work. However, you do not have to make it seem so much like work. You have to bring the spontenaity and the fun back to the relationship.

I also sense that you are a bit perturbed that you are working so hard and your man is playing video games and skipping classes. Perhaps you see your future in this scenario. Watching your man do little or nothing while you work tremendously hard is a real libido killer, not to mention a killer of future dreams. Think carefully about what the real issues are here - and remember that you are not married yet - there is time to make adjustments to things.

As for him teasing you and not giving it to you when you want, but only when he wants - stop that crap! Make him want you. Walk naked in front of him while he is playing video games and suggest he play you instead! Shave your pussy - if it isn't already - and tell him to come explore. Get his mind off the video games and onto YOU. THere has to be compromise from him and from you - make it clear that sometimes he gets to initiate and you will yield, and some times it is vice versa.

I would not worry so much about all the little things, but try to put the FUN back into the sex - fuck instead of doing quickies! Take time to revive things - your schoolwork will be fine - you can do it all! Good Luck!

[clewing]

I totally agree with my fellow posters, but want to add a couple things, too.

#1-you said he will tell you he masturbates when you aren't around; well, if he is not willing to come and play when you need/want it, and is so openly masturbating without you, why shouldn't you do the same?

#2-you are engaged now; if he doesn't change soon (sex, skipping classes, video games, etc.), he probably won't change after you are married either.

Don't want to sound uncaring, that's not what I want at all, but those two things really stood out in your message.

[clewing]

Again I have to stick my two cents worth in here.

First, I do agree with everything my fellow posters have suggested. If the relationship is worth saving, than there are things to do to help salvage it. I really hope that things work out. Talking is good, but it may mean you have to hide the game controller to get his attention.

And Howard does have some legitimate thoughts about why he may be skipping classes and so into video games.

[Sin_Alas]

Thanks for all the advice, guys

I did talk to him a little and it ended in sex on the living room floor, so something must've gone well

Howard, he definitely -is- bored with school, but I think that's because most of his classes this semester are liberal studies requirements and have little to do with his major (which he did just change, so he's on the right track). He feels like the school is holding him back, and when he gets through with this part of his class requirements and can move on to the specialized stuff he'll probably take it a lot more seriously. I know he's a hard worker when he's interested, I've seen him when he's working on his car, his bike or his nerf guns! I'm sure he can translate that into real-world working as soon as he is allowed to take the classes he's more interested in (the higher-level ones. Stupid pre-reqs mean he can't take the classes he needs and wants until he hits junior standing, which is a waste if you ask me).

I'll keep working on things and we'll see where it goes

[clewing]

I can't add much more about college than Howard already has, except the fact that I never got to go when I was younger. Now at 53 I am a junior in college and loving every minute of it. But adding on to what he did say, I never thought I had any interest in Economics, it was just a class I had to take, but now the professor I have has opened my eyes to that and I am exploring careers in that field (for someone my age, living in the area I'm living in). Plus, no matter where you are in life, it is always important to be at least a little knowledgeable in all subjects.

[Sin_Alas]

Howard, I completely agree that those classes are useful and I know I have learned at least one new thing from every class I have taken. However, he's in an odd situation because most of the classes he has to take now are repeats of the ones he took at his old college - the transfer credits that he was supposed to get did not cover the classes (he transferred from a 3-year tech school to a 4-year university and the credit systems are really different). So he's taking stuff like psych 101, which both of us took in high school, and both had to re-take in college, in large lecture courses where the majority of the prof's attention is elsewhere because they think the students don't care (and most of them don't). And I know from experience - the teachers here are really not as great as the high school teachers I had, and they're rarely approachable until you get into a smaller class that isn't a requisite for all the freshmen.

You sound like my father - well-educated in just about everything, although he learned it all himself, never went to college. He's taught me a lot of what I know, and my boyfriend's father and grandfather did the same thing for him, so he knows a lot outside of what the school requires, and it's a lot more helpful information than learning the theories of Sigmund Freud for the third time. No offense to you or your education - it's a very useful thing to have and seems to have served you well, but he's just not the type to sit patiently in lecture halls. That's why I think smaller, more focused classes will attract his attention better. It'll be mostly new material and the profs are more accessible.

Aside from my boyfriend's academic issues, which are sorting themselves out, our sex life is still stop-and-go. He doesn't do the whole touching thing (accepting a lot of it from me, that is) so he won't take massages even days like today when he's sore. I'm working on him but he's probably never going to ask for one. *shrug* It's only monday, though, and we're both already tired as hell because we stayed up late as usual (we're never really tired till 2am or so) and I had to get up for class, and he got up with me. This tends to repeat throughout the week so that when we do get time together it's usually nap-time, since rest is a higher priority than sex to us. Four more weeks of school, though, and then after that crunch we should have plenty of free time and sex should get better again... I think it's just been a stressful winter, really... but I will keep your guys' advice in mind and definitely use some of those tactics They might spice things up a bit this spring!