Sex Related Relationship Problem

[JackieM3117]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for more than a year now and everything has been great. We were both each other's firsts as far as intercourse is concerned, and sex has always been very fulfilling. Fueled by my desire to have an orgasm (I've never had one, alone or otherwise), I am constantly looking for new things to incorporate into our sex-life. While he will oblige me in some things (for example, he has restrained me during foreplay and teased me before giving into my pleas for sex a couple of times), there are other things which he is uncomfortable with trying (for example, role play). I love him like crazy, but intercourse has become both boring and unfulfilling for me. He likes things to be very vanilla and I want things to be a little spicier. Meanwhile I've met this other guy who I am very physically attracted to, and is into a lot of the same things sexually that I am interested in trying. I was thinking about asking my boyfriend for an open relationship, but I fear that even if he agreed to it, as soon as he found out I had been with another man, he would end our relationship completely, and that is certainly not what I want. I'm not sure that exploring my sexual desires is worth losing someone that I connect with on so many other levels. At the same time, sex is really important to me and it bothers me a lot that I have so many fantasies I might never be able to act out.

I would appreciate any advice on the matter.

Thanks,

JMM

[Tyger]

First, welcome to the forum! I hope you're able to learn some new things to try.

As far as your relationship goes: well, open relationships are tricky. The chances of your BF wanting to do that are probably slim. However, if he does, are you ready to allow HIM to go be with other girls? An open-relationship doesn't just mean you can get your freak on with someone else while he waits for your call. That would be unfair of you to expect that.

Now, you said that you were both each other's firsts. I am also assuming that you're both about the same age? If so, then both of you are still "newbies" as far as sexual exploration & being an adult. I'm not saying that to be mean, just saying that both of you are just learning the basics! Some people may need a bit more time to accept some different ways of expressing themselves sexually. Honey, my hubby is my age, and he STILL gets a bit nervous talking about sexual things, but is pretty accepting when I spring something on him! Plus, he always knows that if he truly doesn't want to do something, I will respect that.

Does this mean I'm saying that you should stop trying? Hell no! How about instead of him coming to your place for some sex, meet him at the door in a French Maid uniform, or school girl lingerie? Surprise him! Talking & doing are 2 different things. My suggestion would be to try something New about once a week. Don't overwhelm him. Or scare the poor boy!

You will always find people that you will be physically attracted too, married or not, in a relationship, or not. If you're in a committed relationship, it's YOUR job as someone's Other Half to resist the temptations of finding someone Different. And you should expect the same from your Other Half.

If you want to play the field, and expand your sexual horizons, and don't think your BF will be that person, honestly, then you need to rethink the relationship, to be fair to him, and yourself.

Orgasms are something that will come with experience & practice. Some people can Cum easier than others. It sux, but that's the truth. The people that have a harder time cumming, IME, is the ones that don't learn to relax, breathe deep, and enjoy their bodies. Something like 80-85% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm. There is nothing wrong with playing with your clit while your man is thrusting into you. Or even using a small bullet or vibrator on your clit while he's doing his magic on your vaginal walls! Pressure, vibe strength, light or hard touch all vary from woman to woman, when it comes to what kind of clit stimulation that they like. Trial and error....keep trying. Believe me, you will KNOW when it happens!!

Good luck to you!

[peaches]

First off, you are very young, so let me ask you this, have you talked to him AWAY from the bedroom and done so in a calm, non-complaining manner? My opinion is very simple, if he loves you as much as you say you love him, and you speak to him in a way that you can connect as opposed to complaining (not saying that you do) then he will want to do whatever he can to pleasure you. When we discuss sex, timeing is everything, as is tone of voice and body lanugage. Toys are an option for many many people, and since you say you have never had an orgasm they very well may be your answer, hang around here and read and ask questions.

With that being said, an open relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. It will not inhance the love you say you have for him, it will destroy what you now have toghether. While sex should not be work, relationships are. There is always that *greener grass* syndrome and if you get out of this relationship you are now in and enter another one there will be someone you are wondering about then too. I think you did the right thing by comming here, some of these people have some pretty good ideas and advice. Good luck

[JackieM3117]

Thanks everyone for the advice, but I don't think I really asked my question in the way I had intended. I have spoken with my boyfriend (in a non-complaining way) and he told me he is just not comfortable/interested in doing the things I would like to try. I would be comfortable with an open relationship in that I do not view other females that he might court as a threat, and the way I see it, I would just be going outside our relationship to fill a void that he is unable to fill. On that note, I do not view open relationships as "nothing more than accepted cheating". While monogamy is the norm, people can have very fulfilling non-monogamous relationships. Boundaries have to be set, and those boundaries differ for different people depending on what needs they intend to fulfill, and how comfortable both partners are with the idea. What my question really is: should I try to maintain some sort of relationship that goes beyond that of just friendship (by suggesting an open one) or would it be better to just break up?

[JackieM3117]

Thanks Howard, I'm a bit shy about ultimatums but I think you are right. Hearing someone else say it makes me feel a little less guilty/selfish.

-JMM

[Mikayla1]

Ok, I have read all the previous posts, and now want to weigh in. First, for you to be having your "first" sexual experiences and expect this guy to jump right in to all the expectations that you have seems kind of.....fast. Not everyone has the same sexual appetites, likes and dislikes. You are in a newer relationship, are NOT married and therefore can move on to someone who shares your love of all things sexual. I know you say you love him like crazy, but if you are having sexual issues this early in the relationship, where do you think this relationship can go? If you are already dissatisfied, and have talke to him, and he has blanketly refused to explore a wilder side, then is there much more to explore.

I fear that for you to be willing to have an open relationship means that you might be someone who craves the extremes of sex. Having an open relationship is NOT easy, is not the norm and is not appropriate for someone who wants to be committed to you. YOur bf sounds like he loves you and wants to be committed, I doubt that this would ever work for him.

Also, you have to give this guy some leg room. I disagree that his unwillingness to jump into bondage play or other sexual things makes him a jerk. If he was a virgin when you started up, he might need time to find his comfort zone. Yes, it is his job to pleasure you and your job to pleasure him, but this is sort of like saying, "hey, jump off the top step of my porch" and once he does it saying, "now let's go skydiving or we are breaking up!" There has to be a middle ground somewhere where you can slowly teach him the things you like.

While you say that people in non-monagamous relationships can be happy and they can work out, I have to ask - with all due respect - how do you know? If you were a virgin when you got with this guy, how can you KNOW that sleeping with other people outside of your relationship will work? Also, it may work for you, but it is unfair to push that on him. Open relationships only work when both parties agree - and I think he doesn't want anyone but you, b/c he is content with you.

My opinion of this is, you might love him, but he is not the right person for you if you want to go outside the relationship this early on to get satsifaction in bed. Find someone else. Love is not only about the likes and dislikes of one person, but understanding the boundaries and comforts of the other.

No one is suggesting that you be unhappy sexually, but you may have to go elsewhere to find that happiness!