Members whiskeywoman Posted May 4, 2007 Members Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 PREGNANCY Q & A & more! Q: Should I have a baby after 35?A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college . "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES" 1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 1- 800-". 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. E veryone seems to have just landed here from "outer space". 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.. TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes.6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. AND, the Number One Number One thing only women understand :1. OTHER WOMEN Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members jesso Posted May 4, 2007 Members Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Some of those were really funny. I laughed so hard at #6 for Things Only Women Understand. Seems like every boyfriend I've ever had plays that game. Thanks for the giggles! j Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ShyBear Posted May 4, 2007 Members Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Wow ! Makes you wonder how men and women ever are able to live together at all! Reminds me of the world's Greatest Saleman. A young man with a speech impediment applies for a job as a retail sales clerk in Macy's just as the Christmas rush begins. The man in the human resources office who interviews him asks him if his lisp and studder might not embarrass him as he tries to help customers, but the young man assures him that he can do the job. The store is desparately short of sales staff, so he is hired, and ordered to appear at the Sporting Goods department on the 7th floor at 8 A.M. the next day, where the department manager will show him his duties. The next morning the young man is there, promptly at 8 A.M. with shoes polished and ready to go. He quickly learns how to run the register, how to check charge cards, and fill out charge slips, is given a tour of the department to learn where everything is, and when customers start arriving, he is standing by the elevators to help the first customer who walks in. A man arrives and seems confused and the manager and human resources man, who had come up out of concern that he had hired the wrong guy for the job, were in the back watching the young man with this first customer. They saw the man ask the young salesman a question, and then saw the salesman grab the man's arm as he pointed over to the Notions department on the other side of the elevators and turn the man into the sporting goods department, He showed the man all the items on sale, ending with showing the man the most expensive BASS boat the store sold. they checked the lines of the boat, the trailor, and the customer nodded, and the young man began writing in his book. Then it was off to the outboard motors section, and the trolling motor section, where the man nodded and the young man wrote in his book. Then around the store, looking at fishing rods, reels, different weights of lines, lures, fishing tackle boxes, live bait boxes, creels, anchors, emergency lights, and flares, life jackets, and at each stop they saw the customer nod, and the young man write down more in his sales book. About an hour and a half later, they saw the young man making out a charge ticket, accepting the man's credit card, and then the customer shook the young man's hand, and left to go over to the notion's department. The human Resources man was relieve, while the dept. manager was excited. He rushed out and check the register, and found that the young man had sold this customer $39, 875 of sporting good equipment! The manager grabbed the kid, thanked him, and announced that never in his life could he remember selling that much sporting goods equipment to one customer. Why, the kid had to be the Greatest Salesman in the world!!! The human resources man walked up and congratulated the young man, but then asked him what the customer had asked him when he got off the elevator, and scolded the salesman for grabbing a customer's arm- that was a no-no, even if it all worked out. The young man said, " The customer asked me where he could find KOTEX?" I pointed him to the notions department across the hall, but then asked him, " Since you aren't going to be having sex for the next week, have you thought about going fishing to get out of the house?"Howard, I have heard this story before, only a little differently, same basic ending though...I died laughing when I got to the end...My thought was that I felt sorry for the guy when he got home...Goes in to by tampons and goes home with a new SUV and a Boat...Doesn't a guy no better than to spend that much money when the wife has PMS...lol. I love the post by Whiskeywoman...Those were great...laughed my ass off!!!!ShyBear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ShyBear Posted May 4, 2007 Members Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 Howard, You must be a gifted man...lol. I will snap at you one minute and pull you close the next and be like "sorry, sorry, sorry!!!" You would swear I was bi-polar once a month...I am not of course and I have seen woman far worse than me. I am blessed enough not to have the cramps but I have everything else. Luckily, I have managed not to alienate those closest to me and my poor sons still don't know why they are always wrong at certain times. They just recently learned about this stuff in health this year at school so they are starting to slowly piece things together I think. When they are older they will probably ask to go live with Dad for that week...lol. Can't say I blame them. Maybe you could post some tips on here for men on how to help women handle their pms if you have more ideas. May save some headaches for them in the long run and make heroes of them in the process...lol. ShyBear Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tyger Posted May 4, 2007 Report Share Posted May 4, 2007 I loved the jokes!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members clewing Posted May 6, 2007 Members Report Share Posted May 6, 2007 Great jokes, and more great advice from Howard! I always found orgasms helped cramps, and my mood, when I had PMS. I have been fortunate going through menopause and my symptoms usually aren't severe, but have my moments, especially when you add stress, like with finals this past week. I was a total bitch for the past week and a half, and all that changed Friday when I took my last exam. Hubby was a saint, putting up with me and helping out. Now that it is over, we sat and talked last night about how we can deal with this in the future. I am hoping that since finals in the future won't include a group speech where I have to work with and depend on others who are not so focused on school, it won't be as bad. I got my Associate's Degree through University of Phoenix, and we didn't have final exams but had to write a final paper, and that is easier for me, plus I have retained the information much better than I will the multiple choice exams.But I have to admit, there have been times with my PMS that I would get mad at my husband when he would try and pamper me. My PMS was bad! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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