Pregnant And No Sex

[whittibo]

I was never molested, never taught that sex was bad, in fact, the opposite, my mom told me at 16 to get on birth control, told me WHERE TO GO for it even. This was because she was pregnant at 16 and never wanted the same thing to happen to me. So instead of teaching me abstinence, she pretty much told me it was OK as long as I protected myself.

Anyway, I think sometimes hormones play a bigger role, and so does being a mommy. Having babies suck on you and hold on you and whine and complain and just be babies and toddlers, it's hard to think about anything besides going to sleep or relaxing. Sex for me wasn't good, my husband is the one who doesn't want to try anything new, his idea of foreplay is to put his hand on my shoulder and if I don't respond with cuddling, he feels rejected. Stupid I know, but that was part of the reason I never wanted sex either.

Now the way I see it, the reason your wife climbed on top the night she did was, she was ovulating, which would also be why she is now pregnant. Women have sex drives when they are ovulating, our bodies WANT to be pregnant, they crave sex when we're ovulating just like a dog in heat. The rest of the time, a dog doesn't go seek out sex right?? So her not being on birth control can be a two edged sword at this point, one because of the risk of pregnancy, (which isn't a risk anymore) but until she got pregnant, perhaps she was feeling like she didn't want more at that point??

Just stating my feelings and opinions here, I might be wrong, but this is just what comes to my mind and what has happened in my situation.

[moskal12]

I think it has alot to do with the molestation thing and the mommy thing, then lastly the hormones. I try to help out and do as much as I can so the mommy part won't be as much of an issue, but I cannot help the other two parts.

Maybe the hormones has something to do with that night, but she also had her first beer in about 2 years. She is not a drinker, but she wanted one that night. She told me after that she had just planned on teasing me on top and seeing where it led, but it felt good and didn't feel like stopping. During our last arguement (3 nights ago) I told her that I think she might have planned this all along. She has said for the last 2 years that she wants another child and I kept telling her that I was happy with the size of our family now. I still think I may be right. She probably figured, if it happens then great....

[ToyQueen]

I don't think that accusing her of planning to get pregnant will help your situation. I know I would have wanted sex even less.

I would encourage her to get counseling. Have her sister help with that. She doesn't need to know that you are in on it together. But she may need to be pushed. She probably doesn't want to talk to anyone about what happened. It is hard to do, and brings up those feelings and thoughts again. I'm sure she just wants to say that it's in the past, and bury it.

To illustrate this point... My sister was told by both of her husbands that she was frigid. Well, several years ago, my mom told me that my sister had been molested by my aunt. My mother refuses to tell my sister about this. She steadfastly believes that because it happened when she was very young--around 15 months--that there are no memories of the situation. She thinks it will just cause more problems than it would solve. I truly believe that this is part of my sister's problem with her relationships with both of her husbands.

Mommy mode is a valid issue. Your help is a great thing, but it only goes so far. If she thinks that you are only helping so that she will have sex with you, it defeats the purpose. It is one of the biggest two-edged swords that I know of in a relationship.

So, I think that you and your wife's sister need to push your wife to get help. Even if she starts out going because you "make her", it could be what she needs.

[moskal12]

Maybe I will enlist her sisters help again, that might work if we keep pushing her.

I see your point about "mommy mode." I do it so she can relax & maybe sleep a little, but in the back of my mind, I am hoping it will help me in the long run. I am not going to stop helping just because she isn't in the mood though. If it were me, I would appreciate all the help I could get.

I almost feel as though any efforts right now are futile, but I hope that they will have a payoff in the future. Thanks for sharing your experience with me. I am sure that she remembers things and feeling from when it happened (both your sister & my wife). I know my wife will not let me take her hand and place it on my groin. Apperantly that is one of the things the molester did, but she doesn't remember more than that or won't talk about it if she does. I make sure I don't do that since she told me....

[moskal12]

Howard, I have a 2yo and a 4yo. They are my biggest concern - over and above my sex life or anything else. I grew up knowing my parents werent happy or satisfied in the sex area and I don't want my children seeing the same thing. I will get a divorce before I let them see us really argue.

You just made me think of something else... you had an topic about a month ago of "flirting with your spouse." I sent her a link to it so she could look at it, and she opened every other email around it, but not that one. I am assuming because the title said "sex talk" is why she didn't touch it, but I just thought that was interesting.

Also, I think the alone time would be great except that our schedules don't allow it. I work during the day and we tag team at 4 so she can go to work. It's very tough. We cant afford to put both kids in daycare or anything, and now with this third on the way, we are both very distraught. I do take care of the kids on Sat & Sun mornings so she can sleep in, and I do have a friend who said he would try to help me get the kids out so she has her time. Unfortunately I think I am going to have to get a 2nd job so she can stay home to take care of the kids, and that is going to lessen our already little time together.

[Tyger]

BlueEyesCT,

I agree. You sound like a caring, loving husband. This is a great thing. And your wife is very lucky to have such a tolerant and accepting husband. I'm sure telling us about the molestation she went thru was a hard thing to do. Most of us can read between the lines, and kinda take an educated guess. But, we don't like to jump to conclusions. Thank you for your honesty. I'm sure that was very hard for you to do.

With that said, now is the time to grow a bit more of a stronger role. I'm not trying to sound mean or disrespectful here at all. I'm saying that, you are NOT responsible for what happened to her. You are NOT responsible for how it made her feel. You are NOW responsible for enabling her to continue to feel the way she does, and allowing her to continue the pacifistic lifestyle she has chosen to live with you. Sitting back, and idly watching your sex life go from slow to pretty much non-exsistent is both of your faults. AFter people's suggestions and opinions, again, you are enabling her to stand by and not do anything by making excuses.

Ultimatum is such a strong word with negative undertones. I would, however, insist that you go with her to her OB/GYN appointments if and when it is possible. The health of your wife and child are extremely important. You should be made a part of it. Men have generally taken a traditional role of sitting back and letting the woman and doctor know all about her and the baby's health. The woman sits back, and basically explains what's going on, and what to expect when they get home from the doctor. I've never found this acceptable.

ASK questions, voice concerns with her at the doctor's office. If your wife gets mad, she gets mad. Her GYN has probably seen more of her internal and external parts than you have (bright lights and a speculum aren't usually on hand in the bedroom LOL). For women, the ONE doctor they should be completely open & honest with is her OB/GYN when it comes to her own health. Not just the mechanics of having a baby, but also the sexual aspect of her health all the way around! Yes, sex is the way to have babies, to procreate. However, in a marriage, it's also ADULT PLAYTIME. And you both are missing out on such a wonderful bonding experience.

Mental health is JUST as important as physical, if not more so. Your wife sounds like she thinks that that's not true. She sounds like she thinks that she should be able to handle her issues alone, in whatever way she chooses. Again, not a good idea. She may KNOW what happened to her, and she may think she knows it's not her fault. But, she has yet to come to terms with it. She doesn't UNDERSTAND it. Not really. KNOWING & UNDERSTANDING are 2 different things. For example, I KNOW that when I turn the key in my car's ignition, it starts. Do I understand all the electrical and chemical reactions that make it so? No, not really.

Nobody LIKES to confront nasty things that have happened. Or remember the bad evil things that have befallen them. But, as a mature, complete adult, one must do so. Asking for some help in doing so, doesn't make anyone a failure. It makes them smarter and stronger for doing so. Rivisting the nasties will be painful, but necassary. Her sister seems to have figured that out. Counsellors have been trained and educated in ways of enabling people to cope with things that they may not know how to do so. Different techniques, ways of thinking, and a different POV, that some people may have never even thought of before. What's wrong with that? You wife doesn't seem like the type of person to have even considered that aspect of going for help.

Her ignoring it hasn't made it go away. You enabling her to ignore it, and not confront it, hasn't helped her, or your marriage, either. She is used to getting you to just let it drop, so she will continue to think that way. This can, ultimately, cost you your marriage, and affect your children's future as well. How? Well, if your wife isn't comfortable with HOW your children got there, how can she honestly answer questions that your kids will have in the future? Children pick up on how their parents are feeling. If she comes across as totally uncomfortable with sexuality all around, then that WILL rub off on the kids, creating issues in their lives too.

I don't mean to sound unsympathetic. I too, was raped when I was 6. Thankfully, it only happened one time, and not an ongoing thing. I found people I confided in, learned things, read, and listened to other victims. Good friends, and a select number of family, were there when I needed them to be, and I also was able to confront and stare down my rapist when I was 15. That in itself was a wonderful, empowering, growing experience. It was a turning point for me. Gone was the shy, reserved girl I had been. Out came this strong-willed woman that understood, finally, what it felt NOT to be a victim or in need of keeping to myself.

IMO, I would suggest maybe either couple's therapy, along with one-on-one sessions with the counselor, instead of a group therapy situation. She sounds, to me, like she would be the person that keeps quiet if there were too many people around.

I wish you and your family all of the best.

[whittibo]

See, I keep going back to the fact that until about 4-5 months ago, I could have easily lived without sex, EVER. I never wanted sex, and that's been for at least 14 years. I have no emotional issues, just was overwhelmed as a mommy. I also home school, so that's always another weight on my shoulders, but that hasn't changed, just my kids have gotten older.

[moskal12]

Tyger,

Thank you for your post. You have lots & lots of good, valid points. Yes, she is a somewhat strong willed person and I will have a tough time getting her to go, but I am not going to give up. Yes, I have pretty much always been a pacifist, but I am realizing that while it may have it's good points being that way, it can leed to bad things as well.

I do go to the GYN check ups for the baby when work permits, and I try to get to the kids DR's visits too. I was asking several questions yesterday and got her other meds and things to try for the nausea. All in all, a good visit.

She and her sister did not tell anyone about what had happened until they were 12 I think. In that year her father passed away from a heart attack as well. About 4 years ago, she came face to face with her molester at her work. He was doing community service. A gentleman who was sort of a father figure at work got the man removed from the premises. We found out he died of cancer or something 2 years ago. There are VERY few people who know about it and her mother is one, but she never did a thing about it. No talks, no counciling, nothing. There is no apparent resentment, but maybe it's buried deep.....

Whittbo, I do understand the mommy factor, but I believe (moreso now than ever) that husband & wife have to come BEFORE the kids at least part of the time. It can't always be about the kids or that's all that will be left.

[Tyger]

Blue,

I'm glad you took my post as it meant to be. I know sometimes I can come across as harsh. I don't tend to use flowery words most of the time.

As far as Mommy Mode and all of that.

There are 2 different types of roles in a marriage with children. The parental role, and then the husband and wife roles. Kids should come first in almost every aspect, IMO. Such as food, clothing, shelter, health.....

However, there are times where the kids need to learn & know boundries. As long as the children are safe, fed, warm, and healthy, there is NO reason why Mommy and Daddy can't go "take a nap" together, go out without them, or keep the kids out of their room for a period of time. Setting boundries, limitations, and enforcing them show kids how to be respectful and responsible. How is this a bad thing?

Some women brush their partner's needs off, for the sake of the kids, and them Dads are left feeling alone and probably a bit resentful of the children. It happens a lot, unfortunately. Women are nurturers by nature, and have to learn how to balance kids and hubby better.

Showing kids that you have affection & love for your spouse/SO is important. Though the level of affection should be tempered for age-appropriateness, obviously.

Yes, your relationship does change after having children. It's up to you on how it will do so.

[moskal12]

Tyger, I agree with everything you have said, and supposedly my wife thinks that way too. I'm sure you remember the old saying "Actions speak louder than words?" I have to say that applies here tremendously. She can talk a pretty good game sometimes, but the actions almost never follow in regards to our sex life.

Howard, We have lots of family around and several friends and try to take advantage of that. Problem is, most of the time when we need the help, it is work related. But, I do have to say that when the opportunity arises for a "night out," our friends and family stumble over themselves because they will do almost anything to help us. We may have it tough financially and time-wise but we are still better off than alot of people too. We NEVER forget that. That is just one of the things I LOVE about my wife

[whittibo]

Whittbo, I do understand the mommy factor, but I believe (moreso now than ever) that husband & wife have to come BEFORE the kids at least part of the time. It can't always be about the kids or that's all that will be left.

ABSOLUTELY! And what Tyger says is 100% true, but for me, I didn't feel that way. I was exhausted and sex was more work. I would rather sleep then to do more work. Am I glad that happened? NO, but it did, so I can understand why other "mom's" might have the same feelings.

As for the working poor, that is so us. We didn't have family to watch our kids, and no money to pay a sitter AND go out, so we just always had the kids around, no special nights out for us. But not sure that would have made a difference for me or not?

[ae_stowers]

Ok, I am still a newbie here for the most part but I need help. We are pregnant with our third child and my wife has had difficult pregnancies. She had morning-noon & night sickness from the 2nd month almost until she delivered for the other two, and this one seems to be no different. We are trying to find some remedy for the nausea so I won't have to go without for many months again. She has never had a high sex drive, never been interested in experimenting and does not like giving oral, so I know that is not going to change, but she said she is willing to try to make this time different if she feels better.

We have medication from the Dr, she drinks ginger ale and tries to keep crackers around, but nothing seems to help. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance

When I was pregnant I didnt want my husband to touch me at all even for a hug... It lasted for about three months and I have a pretty high sex drive! My husband just could not understand that it wasnt that I didnt love him it was just I literaly made my skin crawl to be touched by him! That sounds really really bad doesnt it? I think that this has to do with insane hormone levels. Anyway I will put it to you like this do you want to get it on when you have the flu? She probably feels ugly too even though she is beautiful! I would try to do little extras for her. Make her a bubble bath wash her hair for her paint her toe nails and a personal fav shave her legs for her. You wouldnt believe how hard it is to do that pregnant! Make her feel loved in a non sexual way and I bet that it will make her want to thank you in a sexual way...

Good luck and Congrats on the Baby

[moskal12]

Thank you for the suggestions. I will give them a try and let you know how things go although I know it won't happen overnight.