Pregnant And No Sex

[moskal12]

Ok, I am still a newbie here for the most part but I need help. We are pregnant with our third child and my wife has had difficult pregnancies. She had morning-noon & night sickness from the 2nd month almost until she delivered for the other two, and this one seems to be no different. We are trying to find some remedy for the nausea so I won't have to go without for many months again. She has never had a high sex drive, never been interested in experimenting and does not like giving oral, so I know that is not going to change, but she said she is willing to try to make this time different if she feels better.

We have medication from the Dr, she drinks ginger ale and tries to keep crackers around, but nothing seems to help. Any suggestions? Thanks in advance

[Mikayla1]

Well, I am 8 1/2 months pregnant now, and I can relate. I will admit, as high of a sex drive as I have, the morning and evening sickness was a bit of a deterrent for a while. I will say, when I was having sex those first months when I had the sickness, I wasn't thinking about vomit - but orgasm! Perhaps it can be a distraction for her if she tries it - just stay OFF her back, have her be on top -too much pressure!

If she is having that much sickness the doctor should give her the anti-nausea pill. If that doesn't work, try acupuncture -worked really well for my friend. Or, I hear that those anti-nausea bracelets can be a lifesaver - but ask your doctor first!

The plain truth is, however unfortunate, that a pregnant woman is at the mercy of her hormones and her inner uncomfortableness. You may have to consider masturbation tools or other relief. Read my article "Positively Pregnant" for some other ideas.

Well, I wish you luck and I hope that things work out with the baby!

[whittibo]

Well I also was plagued with morning, noon and night sickness, for me the only thing that helped me feel better was Mc Donald's French fries. In order for me to get anywhere, I would have to eat those so I would ward off the sickness for awhile. Oddly enough I read on another forum recently that someone else was helped by the fries too. Sadly, Mc Donald's has changed their grease, so if it was the oil that they were cooked in, my trick might not work now??

Other then that... I haven't a clue, but one thing to keep in mind is, it's not personal about you. Perhaps while she's dealing with the horrible, continual sickness, you can comfort yourself??

[moskal12]

Thank you for your suggestions. I never thought of McD's french fries to cure anything!! I will keep searching.

I am mostly looking for her because I don't like seeing her like this, but I am thinking a little selfishly too. I will comfort myself (nicely put by the way) as I did the other two times. The first time was for about 12-13 months and the 2nd was for almost 20 months before anything other than HJ's happened. It makes it very tough sometimes

[ToyQueen]

I think we have missed something here. Why 12-13 months, and 20 months? This sounds like more than just pregnancy sickness.

[moskal12]

I don't know why, but her desire really seemed to drop off after a year or two. It was never "normal" in the first place. Once a month was usually sufficient to her. Only when she wanted to get pregnant did she ever make any sort of effort. I am no stranger to "comforting myself."

She and I have talked about it and she knows that I am not happy or satisfied with that aspect of our relationship. That is why she agreed to make more of an effort, but I would never expect her to do anything when all she feels like doing is puking.

[whittibo]

I remember my husband just rolling over in bed made me want to puke. And he isn't a gentle sleeper, when he rolls over he FLIPS over. Still drives me nuts to this day, I need one of those beds that can be jumped on and not felt.

As for her desire, I think if you have young kids at home, that might be part of the "reason". I know for me, when I was nursing and being "mom" all day to little ones, the last thing I wanted was my husband sucking on me or hanging on me. I would pretend to be asleep or involved in a good TV show to get his attention off me. It's just been recently that my libido has stepped up a bit. My kids are 14, 12 and 8.5, so it's been a few years that my husband was lucky to get it once a month. The other problem in our relationship is sex was boring. No foreplay, nothing special, he wouldn't even get nekid in front of me, but UNDER the covers. Not really a big turn on ya know. So look at your relationship and see if anything is lacking in that department. Is sex always the same for you? Do you only give her sexual attention once you two are in bed? My husband wouldn't' even kiss me hello or even really talk to me, but once we were in bed, his idea of foreplay was to touch my shoulder. Things haven't really changed that much, but a little bit of ingenuity on my part has helped, hopefully it will keep improving.

[moskal12]

Well, I always want to try something new. She tells me that she is happy just to do it missionary. But, I told her a long time ago that I would like to try more, and for my b-day, we spent the entire day together doing stuff....day trip, baseball game in NYC....dinner out.... by the time we got home, it was 11pm and I really wasn't expecting much. She surprised me though. She actually initiated things, but then, she climbed on top of me! That was a first!! I was soooo excited by it that I didn't even think to stop for a condom. Now, here comes baby #3. And, I haven't even gotten a HJ since then. That was 2 months ago.

As far as everything else goes, I always try to take care of the kids at night, do the dishes, help with the laundry, etc. I try to give her kisses on the back of the neck out of the blue on a regular basis... try to give her a long hug for no reason... we always kiss hello and goodbye. And in bed, I almost have to beg to go down on her. All she wants to do is get me off as quickly and mechanically as possible. You know how women don't want to just be "pounded like a jackhammer?" Well, this is the man's equivelant.

[cdwaldorf]

Okay I have had 3 pregnancies and the only thing that helped with the all day sickness was chewing on Big Red cinnamon gum. I had stock in that company b/c I made sure I had several packs on hand. I did have to brush my teeth several times a day b/c of all the sugar in the gum (the sugarless kind did not work). However, I always had a low sex drive when I got pregnant so the gum helped the nausea but not my drive. Hope this helps!!

[Tyger]

If the anti-nausea meds that her OB/GYN has prescribed, then go back and let her dr know this. There may be something else that may work. Different things work for different people, so it's really hard to suggest something. I never had any morning sickness (hubby got it all, which I thought was a FAIR trade! ).

Anyway, if it's over a year before she wants to engage in sex, there could be many reasons for that. Fear of getting pregnant again, post-partum depression (severe case if it's that long), hormones, Mommy Mode.....the list goes on and on. Again, I would suggest that she talk to her OB/GYN NOW and after the baby is born. Letting her Dr know that this happens. It's not uncommon, but she has to be willing to discuss it with her Dr too, not just make a slight effort. There's nothing wrong with using some prescribed medication to help anyone over a bump or 2. Sometimes the hardest step, is admitting that there really IS an issue first.

[ToyQueen]

I agree with Tyger. This is something that your wife needs to be discussing with her doctor NOW. It truly does sound to me like some post partum depression, maybe with some other things combined.

I had difficult pregnancies. I started into preterm labor between 20 and 27 weeks. Even though I didn't feel good, and intercourse was off limits, I tried to take care of my husband in whatever ways I could. I wasn't interested in BJs, but I did do so on occasion for him. I did other things, too.

Have you talked to her and told her how important this is to you?

One other thing that crossed my mind. During pregnancy hormones are totally out of whack, but perhaps your wife needs to have some hormone levels checked after the baby is born. They may not go back to normal, and she may need some help.

[moskal12]

Well I guess you could say "that is another issue." She would never talk to her Dr. about this. She feels that there is nothing wrong with going that long. I am sure at least part of it is "mommy mode," but maybe hormones are another. She does not believe in using drugs except in severe circumstances.... she barely even takes tylenol, so unless the Dr. tells her she HAS to take them, I doubt she would.

We are going at noon today for the 1st visit to the OB/GYN, so I will see if I can mention some issues without her getting pissed. Thank you so much for your suggestions. I really appreciate it.

[cdwaldorf]

I have 3 babies (ages 8 months to 3 yrs) and there have been several times where sleep seemed more important than sex. I also realized that anytime I was put on birth control pill that my sex drive was non existent. I try several different kinds to see if one worked better than the other and unfortunately for me I could not find one. My husband and I have decided that I will never take a form of birth control every again. That has been the best decision we have every made. I also had post partum depression and there are usually several more clues besides loss of intimacy that can help determine if your wife suffers from ppd. I would encourage your wife to be open with her OBGYN. She is there to help find answers.

[moskal12]

Yeah, I can see where sleep would be more important sometimes. We just got back from the first visit and they gave several different things to try to relieve the nausea. We are going to try them and see what happens. She has not been on birth control in the last 6 years. She didn't want to have to take any medication everyday, so I agreed to go back to using condoms. That is how this happened. She has had a low or non-exhistant sex drive for many years now. I think alot has to do with the mommy syndrome. Hopefully this doesnt reset that clock!!!

She doesn't like to talk to anyone she doesn't know well. I asked her to see a marriage counselor with me and she refused telling me that it's my problem, not hers. I don't know how open she will be with her OB/GYN about anything other than the babies health

[moskal12]

Howard, thanks for the advice, but you are preaching to the choir. I am not worried about her giving less sex because it can't get much less. It's more about respect. Mine to her and hers to me. If she respects me enough, she will talk to the DR. If not, it lets me know where I stand. And, it would be more the attitude that I would have to deal with after....

I have tried to suggest mornings... or nooners when available but I always get shot down. I get more pleasure out of pleasuring her than anything else, but she never tells me that anything feels good. She never has fantasies and NEVER wants to try anything different. I have tried getting in the shower with her and she lets me soap her up, but that's as far as it goes. She rinses off and gets out. Dining room table? Nope. If it's not the bed or the couch, it's out. Toys? No way. She thinks they are disgusting....

I actually wanted to get a vasectomy before and she didn't want me to. I have one scheduled now, but she wants me to postpone it until this baby is born happy & healthy. I try to not put all the responsibility on her.

I am hopeful though. She has seemed a little more open (in talking about it anyway) to trying something new when she feels up to it. We'll see

[ToyQueen]

If she will not talk to the doctor about this stuff, you need to bring it up at one of her visits. You could just say, "Hey, Doc, I've noticed that..." It tends to start a whole new conversation. The doctor will ask more question of your wife, and that gives her the opportunity to ask her own questions.

Counseling, even if you go alone, may be beneficial. Check it out.

Honestly, your wife sounds very much like I was several years ago. I wasn't very open to new things, toys, etc. It was one of my husband's reasons for leaving me. Now, he wouldn't know me. I LOVE my toys, and I'm much more open to new things.

Please keep us posted.

[moskal12]

thanks Toyqueen. That sounds like a good way of bringing it up. I just might try that. As for myself, I am already seeing a counselor. So far, so good.

What you said about her sounding like you years ago is what bothers me. I don't want a divorce to be what opens her to other things. I really want to figure these things out with her, but it gets tougher all the time. I certainly will keep you posted.

[ToyQueen]

I agree that it is hard. This is something I felt, and maybe it will help you in dealing with her.

My husband was usually accusatory when he would bring the topic up. He didn't like what was going on, but he didn't seem to make a lot of effort to change things other than complaining.

Quite honestly, I don't think my husband even knew that I masturbated during our marriage.

I tried very hard during my pregnancies to keep him happy. We did tons of titty-fucking, I gave him blow jobs, even though I didn't like to.

Obviously, this is from my perspective, and he would probably tell a totally different story. But if there are questions I can answer, or support I could give, let me know. Maybe I could come up with some other ideas for you.

Good luck.

[moskal12]

Oh. Yeah, it is always hard when you only know one side of the story.

I actually have asked her if she masturbates, and even tried to suggest that it is healthy to, but she steadfastly refused. Said she has no interest in it. Frankly, there is nothing I wouldn't do or try if she would just suggest anything. I have asked her is she has any fantasies at all or something she ever wants to try, but she says she is happy just doing it missionary.

She has never let me titty fuck her and the last BJ I can honestly remember was about 6 years ago. Even then it was only for about a minute before she decided to stop.

She has said that everytime I mention sex, it makes her want to do it less. I have tried not mentioning it and have gone over 6 months without anything at all from her. Then when I brought it up about how long it had been, she would tell me I'm wrong or that I'm rediculous. That it was maybe a month or so....

I am afraid that nothing is going to change, and I am going to get fed up and leave. I have even decided on a time limit, but then I think about the kids.....

[ToyQueen]

As a very shy person, especially when it comes to sex, I will tell you this. She may not be able to suggest anything to you. She may honestly not know what to suggest. She may not be willing to put an idea out there, afraid that you will shoot her down. I know that I felt that way.

One thing that I do wonder about. Was your wife ever molested or abused as a child??? That can make a huge difference. Again, personal experience... But I kind of get that impression from what you are telling me...

[moskal12]

Wow, you are good. Yes, she was molested by her neighbor at age 6 or 7. Her and her twin sister both. She has never spoken to anyone professionally about it. What is interesting is that her sister sees a counselor and has a healthy sex life....

She should know that I would never make fun of her or shoot anything down. I have told her several of my fantasies and she has either had no comment or said "no way." I don't know if that intimidated her in any way....

[ToyQueen]

Your wife needs to see a counselor. I'm sure she doesn't want to talk about it. I'm sure she doesn't think it's a problem.

Here is my personal story. I was not abused in the most thought of fashion. I had severe problems as a child. My labia actually fused together, causing multiple problems. I had seven surgeries before I was seven.

Anyway, I went to counseling after my husband left. As most good counselors do, he asked about our sex life. At first, I refused to talk about it. After a couple of weeks, I finally told him everything, including my premarital sex history. This was VERY difficult for me, because my religious beliefs were against my behavior. My counselor shared my beliefs, so it was very hard to tell him things.

This counselor was great with me. A lot of the sexual problems in my marriage was actually related to my problems as a child. He helped me work through a lot of the "baggage" that was left.

Bottom line---your wife needs to see someone. It's not going to go away.

[moskal12]

I have tried for years to get her to see someone. She even admits that she probably should, but then she refuses. yes, she says she is fine too. I don't believe in giving ultimatums, but maybe that is what I need to do.... I don't know?

[ToyQueen]

I don't like ultimatums, either. But sometimes they are necessary. Does that mean you need to give her one??? Maybe not.

Perhaps her sister could talk to her about it in a way that wouldn't seem intimidating, since she has been there. I do know it is very hard to talk to someone who hasn't experienced that. I know it is still very hard for me to talk about.

I'm not sure you will get very far while she is pregnant, but you might be able to get her to open up with someone. I don't believe that this is impossible to get over. It will require work on both sides. It requires lots of patience.

I would encourage her to get help. Enlist the help of anyone who will encourage her. What else can I do to help you???

[moskal12]

Thank you both for your advice. Her sister does know of my issues and had tried a little to get my wife to go to counseling, but it didn't work. But, she didn't push hard and I was supposed to "not know" she was being pushed to go. Maybe it's time I try again.

I appreciate your sympathetic ears as well. It is nice to be able to have an real conversation about these things. I did know about the molestation before we got married, but I was nieve because I really thought she was ok, like she said. I did tell her that sex is an important part of a marriage to me and that I don't want to live without it. She agreed. It didn't take long for it to go downhill though. I have always blamed it on stress from work, money, tough pregnancies, etc. but I am not thinking that way anymore. I am feeling more bitter than anything, all-the-while keeping a smiling face on and trying my best.