Any Ideas To Make Him Interested?

[Luna]

My bf and I have been together for about 1½ years. We talk about everything and joke and touch each other a lot. When we got together we used to have sex even multiple times a day but quite soon he admitted he`s doing it so often just to please me. Nowadays he would maybe feel like it once a week while I would do it every day. I feel like I have to earn it by being nice and quiet and not initiating it and that makes me feel bad. I`ve cried because of this countless times. (In my former relationship as well. Where are all the horny men when you need them? )

I`ve asked him what would turn him on but he just says there had to be some sort of subtle chemistry, so to speak, between us. I can`t make it happen like when we first met because we can`t meat again for the first time (even if we separated for a while, we would still know too much about each other). Seeing me naked doesn`t turn him on, I can run around the house with nothing on as much as I want. I`ve asked what kind of lingerie he likes but he said "it doesn`t matter as long as it`s ladies underwear". (I`m not sure if he just tries to make me feel better but he`s also said that any woman in the world could be in my place and he still wouldn`t be any more interested.)

Even though this is driving me crazy I don`t want to leave him. He says he cares about me and usually hugs me when I cry (I do it often for various reasons). Some years ago I left my first bf because of another man who seemed to be more exciting and interested in sex. That another guy turned out to be a total jerk, however, but needless to say, I couldn`t undo anything and soon after we got together again (me and my first bf), he broke up finally. After that he has had even more mental problems than he used to have and I feel bad for him. Why oh why didn`t I see who really loved me and who didn`t?

(No need to answer that, I know it was because of me being young and desperate for excitement and something new and forbidden.) I don`t want to do that mistake again and that`s why I`m here asking for help. And oh, thank you for your answers in advance

[Tyger]

Honey, where is your self-esteem? Where is the belief that you too, deserve to love and BE loved?

It's true, you can't go back to the past. You can never recapture something that really wasn't there to begin with, and why would you want to in this case? You are only 20. And, where I don't want to sound demeaning, cuz I'm not trying to be, but you are young. There should be NO rush into trying to find a life-mate. Having fun, dating, and just getting out there is all part of being young and single. Plus, this is the time you should be discovering who you want to be first, and what kind of man you want to be with, secondly. Does this mean you will be alone forever? Most certainly not. There is someone out there for everyone. Having fun and taking a journey thru life is the only real way to find them. And, there will be different people in different stages in your life that will be the one for you for that time. I mean, I SURE can't even imagine being with the same man I was with when I was 20! I am a lot more mature, and know that, although he was good for me at the time, he wasn't what I needed for a longer haul.

Unfortunately, this man doesn't sound like he's in love with you. He may love you but not IN love, and yes, there's a difference. Like, I love my pets, but I'm not IN love with them. I love many of my friends, but I am not IN love with them. Make sense?

The way you've worded it, he sounds as if he just has sex to placate you, since y'all are together, and he HAS to do it. Where's the fun in that??? Where is the real love, and the true connection? Nowhere, that's where. Sex shouldn't be a chore. Where the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship is where you fuck like rabbits for a while, it does taper off a bit after time. But, it should not die out completely.

If he's as young as you are, he is either gay, or has some serious medical issues (is he on any medications that may kill his sex drive, like antidepressants?). Most guys in their 20's would give up an appendage to have a GF that wants to have sex all of the time. I say maybe he's gay, cuz of the lingerie comment. I mean, most guys, when you ask them what kind of lingerie, they'll say silky, lacy, leather, something like that. Not stress that it has to be LADIES. Duh. Lingerie is mostly for ladies. Especially when your GF is asking you what YOU LIKE, so you could wear it for him.

Telling you that any woman in the world, beside you, could be there and he wouldn't be anymore interested also steers me towards the gay possibility. Plus, that is just rude and insulting. That is basically telling you that he doesn't really care if it's you he's having sex with, the girl down the street, or a hole in the wall. WTF? That's not right.

Why are you still WITH this man that obviously can't even take care of himself emotionally, let alone help YOU either? Occassionally he hugs you when you're upset? Unless I tell my hubby that I want to be left alone, and truly mean it, when I cry, his arms better be around me, lemme tell ya!! Not only is that what you do with someone you care about (whether it be your SO, or a friend), it's the humane thing to do!!!

Unfortunately, from what you have written, there is nothing you can do to make him interested. Just by his comments, he seems to care less whether or not you're there. That isn't a way to live. You are a convenience for him. He is security for you. It's time to move on, IMO.

Again, you are young. Young people tend to want things YESTERDAY. Something worth while may take a while to achieve. Take some time, date, don't feel like you have to commit to anyone. Learn more about yourself, and more about who you WANT to be, and how you want to be treated. It takes time. I found my husband at 28 years old. We've been married for 5 yrs now! My mother didn't find her true love until she was in her early 50's. But she didn't stay home moping either. After she divorced my father, she dated, had relationships, turned down marriage proposals, and had fun. She wanted to be with the man she really wanted to be with. She wasn't about to settle. And, neither should you.

Best wishes! You deserve better, so go out and find something better.

[promiscuouseuphoria]

Never, NEVER stay with someone just because they're willing to stay with you. And don't mistake "caring" for "convenient". Frankly, from what you've told us, it really doesn't sound like this guy cares about you. And I have to agree with Tyger, the "is he in the closet" question comes to mind.

Find someone who wants you, really wants you. Not just someone who's there because it's easy.

[Luna]

I`ve often asked him if he`s a gay but the answer has always been no. He isn`t on any medication (but has been for years ago). And by saying usually I meant that he tries to comfort me when I`m sad every time he notices it. Sometimes he`s absent-minded or just listening to music with headphones (plus his hearing isn`t perfect anyway and that`s a medical fact) so it`s understandable why he sometimes doesn`t notice it if I`m crying in another room. Other than sex-wise he would probably be almost any woman`s dream (he gives me massages every time I ask and strokes me every now and then even when I don`t ask) but I`m just afraid I have turned him off by being more active than him. Plus I`m not the easiest person to be with in the first place (I cry at least once a day) and we spend all of our time together (except when he`s seeing his friends once or twice a week or when we`re at school or something like that). And the lingerie thing, to me he sounds more like he doesn`t know what he likes the most.

At the moment it`s really not an option to move on. I want to study despite my (quite bad) panic disorder (I got it about 7 years before I even met him) and being around him calms me. When I`ve had exams, he`s often come with me just to be there for the last minutes before the exam begins (they`re the worst to handle for me). So he`s some sort of medicine for me (without the usual side effects). (Don`t suggest me to get anti-depressants or something like that. I love to study, the main subject I`m studying is a life-long dream come true and being on some drug would make it harder while the ability to learn wouldn`t be the same then.) So, because of what I am, I can`t enjoy going out the way young people usually do (whenever I`ve been to any sort of parties I`ve wished it was over from the beginning).

Plus at the moment he`s trying to figure out what to do work-wise. Next month he should either start studying something or go to work but he hasn`t made his mind yet on what to do. Do you think that would be one of the reasons why he isn`t the way he used to be?

And for the self-esteem, it`s so sad that it`s almost funny but I guess I`ll never have one. 9 years of bullying at school must have made it for me. Of course I`ve moments when I feel good and proud for myself, the way I am and how I`ve played my cards in life but certain things are always on the background.

Thanks for your advice, keep them coming!

[Tyger]

Self-esteem is for YOU to build up. People can't do it for you. I have a fairly high self-esteem. Especially for what I went thru as a kid. It can happen. You have to be willing to focus on the positive.

I was actually very quiet and reserved all thru grade school. I have no idea WHY, because I had a decent home life, even with divorced parents. I was never abused by either parent, though I was raped when I was 6. But I never dwelled on that. Kids would try to get something out of me in many types of ways. Being mean, of course, was one of them.

I started getting a better self-esteem when I went to middle school (7, 8, and 9th grade). People weren't so mean. And, I got taller. When they started to try to get mean, I'd stare them down. Then, I moved to a totally new school system. One with kids I didn't grow up with, but some that I knew and were friends with. I decided that I wanted to be a different person, other that the quiet reserved one I'd always been. So, with some effort, I got myself out there, socializing, and so on. I did a total reversal! And I felt good about it.

So, all that was just told to tell you it CAN happen, but it needs to be worked on. And, it will take a while to do so. With a lot of effort. Take compliments at face value, focus on positive things about yourself. Maybe one thing at a time, such as maybe you have great hair? Or gorgeous eyes? Focus on the positive aspects about yourself. A great sense of humor, great with animals, kids love you, things like that!

Again, with the comment he made about it being any other woman in the world, and he'd still be just as disinterested is very insulting, and NOT something someone that loves you, TRULY loves you, would say.

As far as us not recommending going on medications. Your BF has a lot on his shoulders, with school, work, and also taking care of you. Being "your medicine" is not only unhealthy for him, but you as well. You are not learning to cope the way you should. Medicines, though some side effects are hard to deal with, can be monitored and changed to get the desired effects. Using him as a pacifier puts undo pressure on the relationship. At least by how you have said it is. I wouldn't consider myself responsible if I DIDN'T suggest councelling and medications.

Moving on would be scary, and it's being avoided by both parties here. You because, of course, you're scared. Him maybe cuz he doesn't want you to get hurt, or feel lost. Again, counselling would aide that. Nobody can move on here. It's like a personal prison. You both have options for solutions, but it's up to the both of you to turn that key & open the door.

Good luck.

[cherbearam]

WOW, you sound like me, only 31 years ago! I too had low self esteem and have anziety about new places since I was a child. It escallated till I started having full blown panic attacks when I was in my late 20's. By then I was married, forturnately to a wonderful man who hung in there with me. But the guys I was dating in my early 20's, took advantage of me and were very controllling. Sort of like you feeling you had to "earn' his attention.

Don't put off not considering medication, it helped me and I still have some mild med's I use when I feel stress of life getting to me. There is a lot dr's can prescribe that won't interfere with you being able to study. Plus consider seeing a counselor (it took me 3 different ones over 3 years to find the one who truely helped), I did, he happened to specialize in anziety disorders. He helped not only understand the whys and wherefores of my feelings, but helped me see I am an awesome person, loved by God, my husband and family.

Take care of YOU, YOU deserve it!

[Luna]

He explained that with the any other woman comment he meant that if he`s in the no mood (really sad or angry), it`s not something I (or any Miss World etc.) can change instantly but he needs his time. He`s definitely made me more self-confident but not perfectly healthy (that will be a long journey). He`s said he loves me differently than his male friends but his feeling vary (not in a way if he loves me or not but how much) depending on whether I`ve cried the last hour or not . I want to believe we`ll heal each other over time. I see the drawbacks as something we have to overcome, not hide from. (After all, we`ve lived together for almost a year. I know that can`t be the reason to stay together but living like this we`re saving hundreds and hundreds of euros every month when it comes to paying the rents. Without each other neither of us would be able to live in an own apartment.)

Yesterday we had some of those good moments. A long moment, something like 1½ hours.. I thought I was going to get a heart attack almost any second

Other than that, things will get better at least for the next three days because we`re going to the countryside (I`ve noticed I don`t get panic attacs there at all) where my family has a summer cabin for just the two of us to use. Plus we have a private beach there

[Tyger]

WADR, Where I admire your devotion/loyalty to this man, you seem to be making excuses to his behavior. I hope you are also ADDRESSING them in your life.

Yes, you save money when it comes to rooming with someone. And, you are absolutely correct. Staying with him for that, isn't a good reason to stay together.

Him comparing his love for you as "different than his male friends, but his feelings vary, depending on if you've cried lately" would really give me a lot of apprehension as his true feelings. Maybe he is young, and doesn't know how to express his feelings. But, going by how you've said what he tells you, I'm not sure that's the case. Love never faulters. I'm sure you've heard that before. THere are varying degrees of it (love your friends, love your parents, love your pets, ect.) I'm not trying to add to your stress or anything. But, staying with someone that doesn't that doesn't truly LOVE you, as in, IN LOVE with you, is not only a waste of time and energy, but unfair to the both of you. You can't grow as adults if you stay with someone out of convenience and habit.

Basically, it comes down to the simple question: Is he IN LOVE with you, or not? If he's IN LOVE with you, that's an easy question to answer. There won't be any "well, I do know" or "well I'm not really sure" or "buts" about it.

Good luck & best wishes in whatever you choose to do.