Newlywed Troubles

[woozyG]

So my husband and I have been married for 7 months. We've been living together for 2.5 years. We've been together as a couple for 3 years.

Our relationship seems like it is on the rocks all the time! We get on each other's cases about little things. When one of us brings up something that's bothering us, the other person doesn't wait long in the conversation before they bring up something else that's bothering them. Then we just get in to a circular conflict where we both are telling the other person what we need and aren't getting from the other. So we do alright getting all the bitching out, but nothing ever gets resolved and depending on how heated it gets it can go on for days.

We are so disconnected emotionally and physically. Our sex life is awful. I don't have the drive and he wants me to make all the moves. I try to explain to him that since I'm the one with the lower sex drive then it makes more sense for him to try to initiate and seduce me and get me turned on. He thinks I just don't want him. It's true that he could use some help with his technique, but it's not that I don't want him, I just don't usually feel like having sex.

We've been into sex before. The first year or so of our relationship was super in the sack. We got into toys and bondage and that sortof thing. He was really into tying me up and being naughty and I was into it too. That was until he kinda went too far and actually hurt me to the point that I was crying. I don't think he meant to, but he was really into it and I was trying to let him know I wasn't comfortable, but since I had the gag ball thing in my mouth I couldn't really talk. Oh man, now that I've started this I feel like I could go on for a looooong time.

Anyway, we have gotten to the point where we have decided to go see a counselor. We went awhile ago before we were married and then we stopped because things seemed like they were getting a little better. Now it's just as bad and we are both really frustrated and know that we need help.

I guess I just wanted to get some of this out. I read some of the other posts in this area and it seemed like some folks had a good perspective on things. I'm open to any thoughts you all might have that could help us. Maybe some of you who might have been through some tough times in your relationships and are now happy and fulfilled could give me some pointers. Thanks, in advance.

[foryoureyesonly]

I began reading your post and maybe half way into the first paragraph my first thought was "they so need counseling". I was then very glad to read that you both have already figured this out. We can tell you ad nauseum how to fix things but only a trained couselor can get to the root of the conflict and then help you to grow from there.

Unfortunately, nobody tells you how unbelievably hard marriage will be. Oh sure, people will tell you it's "something you have to work at everyday", blah, blah, blah. This is true enough, but, nobody can tell you just exactly what that means. I can't tell you how unrealistic my idea of marriage was 22+ years ago when we were newlyweds. We seemed so compatible while dating, the sex was mind-blowing and I thought this would never end. And then we got married. What the f#*k?!? (These were my thoughts.) This man that I was so in love with became someone I felt like I had never met and he was thinking the same thing about me. We fought over the stupidest things, and, yes, every disagreement became an all out war with the little wrong things we had ever done to each other being fair game every fight.

There isn't a couple out there that hasn't gone through this at some point in their marriage. Some after several years, others, like yourself, after only a few months. Believe it or not, this doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage is imminent. Counseling will help both of you to open up about what may be bothering you deep down (remember, rarely is a fight about the issue at hand, but, usually something much deeper than either of you realize). As you have found in the past, a couselor can truly be a moderator (or referee, if you will) and can make sure each of you are able to discuss issues in a way that you actually hear what the other is saying. This rarely can be accomplished in the heat of battle.

Just a few counseling sessions aren't going to be enough to "fix" things. This needs to be ongoing for many months. Counseling isn't just about getting the bad stuff out in the open. It is also about teaching each of you a new way to relate to each other, how to find peace with each other and how to then grow as a couple. They will teach you how to disagree fairly, constuctively, and, believe it or not, lovingly. Once you learn to relate to each other again, it will be amazing to you how all areas of your relationship will improve.

Good luck to you both and hang in there. Your feelings for each other are deep enough to have brought you this far. With direction and guidance, you can get back to that level of intimacy, closeness and love you once felt for each other.

[Tyger]

First, welcome to the board!! Wow! Lotsa issues here! But, if you and hubby are willing, it can be fixed.

I have to agree with the previous poster, nobody really TELLS you HOW hard marriage really can be. Yes, we see our friends & family in their relationships and think "they're being silly. I would NEVER fight about something so small!!!". What people DON'T see are the underlaying issues that the small little thing may prelude too!!

And, like so many others, you found counselling helped, things were starting to get better, and got the "I can take it from here" road, and stopped going. The only way counselling works, is if you stick to it, go, even when things are good. I mean, whoe wants to go to a counsellor and continually bitch? Sharing the good, as well as the bad, is a GREAT way to positively enforce the relationship. I am highly suggesting that you go back into counselling ASAP.

As far as the sex drive difference, honey, as you have seen, you are SOOOO not alone!!! Some of your issues, may be that of trusting your spouse. You said that you tried bondage, and, you *think* he "accidently" hurt you. Either he did mean too, or it was an accident. That is something to also be addressed with each other, as well as in counselling. Maybe he likes pain? Maybe he did that thinking you could do that to him, and found out you did NOT find that pleasurable? Maybe it was a big f'n OOPS?!! Was he sincere in an apology? Did you get one? If you're scared of him due to this accident, that will need work. For, what relationship can last without the trust?

When experimenting with any sort of sexual activity, such as bondage, then there should always be a "Safe Word" to let the other person know that you are scared, uncomfortable, not liking whatever is being done, and the action STOPS right after the word is spoken. And, it should be a word that can easily be recognized as NON-Sexual, such as "paper, paint, soap, fan, car, photograph" something like those.

That also may be why your sex drive has gone down: lack of trust. Are you scared it will happen again?

Relationships do cool off a bit. Things aren't as electrifying as they once were. BUT that does NOT mean that it has to completely fizzle. Getting the trust back in the relationship is highly instrumental if this relationship is to get better, and even survive!

Anyway, I hope you read the forums and sex ed tab articles. And, I also look forward to seeing more posts!! Enjoy and welcome again!

[jesso]

It is also about teaching each of you a new way to relate to each other, how to find peace with each other and how to then grow as a couple. They will teach you how to disagree fairly, constuctively, and, believe it or not, lovingly. Once you learn to relate to each other again, it will be amazing to you how all areas of your relationship will improve.

This was spot on for me and wrapped up just what I was thinking. Relationships are hard and you have to work at them constantly. Glad to hear you are going back to counseling. It seems as though there's some communication that need to be reestablished.

Welcome to the board!

[woozyG]

For your eyes only, thanks very much for the encouragement. I'm so bummed out right now and you helped me feel like there really is hope.

[woozyG]

As far as the sex drive difference, honey, as you have seen, you are SOOOO not alone!!! Some of your issues, may be that of trusting your spouse. You said that you tried bondage, and, you *think* he "accidently" hurt you. Either he did mean too, or it was an accident. That is something to also be addressed with each other, as well as in counselling. Maybe he likes pain? Maybe he did that thinking you could do that to him, and found out you did NOT find that pleasurable? Maybe it was a big f'n OOPS?!! Was he sincere in an apology? Did you get one? If you're scared of him due to this accident, that will need work. For, what relationship can last without the trust?

Yeah, it was a bad experience. I had tried to turn it around and do it to him, but he resisted.

When experimenting with any sort of sexual activity, such as bondage, then there should always be a "Safe Word" to let the other person know that you are scared, uncomfortable, not liking whatever is being done, and the action STOPS right after the word is spoken. And, it should be a word that can easily be recognized as NON-Sexual, such as "paper, paint, soap, fan, car, photograph" something like those.

I'm pretty sure I made it clear that I wasn't enjoying it. I wasn't able to talk, but my body language and sounds I was making should have been enough to get the point across. Afterwards I was mad because he didn't stop.

That also may be why your sex drive has gone down: lack of trust. Are you scared it will happen again?

We've tried it again since then and I reminded him to go kindof easy. Then he said that ruined it for him because I was telling him how to do it. Ugghh!!!

For me it's the idea of being tied up that turns me on. I don't want to be tied up so that it hurts me!!! Can't there be a middle ground?

Thanks for your input and the welcome Tyger.

[Tyger]

I'm sorry your husband is a selfish lover. I say selfish because, from what you've told us, he is unwilling to listen to what you want, only in it for HIS pleasure, therefore, selfish.

It sounds like you don't trust him. With good reason. He didn't stop doing it when the clues were given. If he couldn't tell that you didn't like what he was doing, then blatantly saying "STOP DOING THAT, I DON'T LIKE IT" is in order. There is nothing wrong with saying that. And, if he doesn't stop, then there are bigger issues there. For you to trust him, is for him to listen when you say stop, you like something, or whatever the case may be. There has to be a give and take in the bedroom, for BOTH overs. Not just one or the other.

Doing whatever it was that he didn't like back on him probably isn't a good idea either, because "an eye for an eye" doesn't go well in the bedroom if something isn't pleasurable.

Again, I would highly suggest couple's therapy, and addressing the major sexual trust issues.

[foryoureyesonly]

If both of you are truly interested in making things better, there is ALWAYS hope. Both of you being able to admit you can't do it on your own is a big step in the right direction. Now go follow through and do whatever it takes to make this work. That will certainly mean stepping outside of your own personal comfort zone but you know it's worth it. You wouldn't have married him otherwise and I think he probably feels the same.

[woozyG]

Hey there, just wanted to let ya'll know that things are starting to look up for us. We had talked in the past about having a romance night and taking turns kindof running the show. We then made excuses when the day came and ended up not doing it. Well, this week we actually did it and had an amazing time!!!! I think if we keep it up we'll have at least one day a week of sexy goodness!

As far as the counseling goes...we went to our first visit yesterday and things went really well. We both felt comfortable with the counselor and it seemed to relieve some tension just by talking about things with the counselor present. One thing I really liked about the lady was that she told us up front that she could help us, but that we were going to have to work hard. She also said that she would be giving up homework on a regular basis. That made us both feel more hopeful, too, like she was really going to be a good match for us. We had gone to a counselor before and she seemed to kindof take the passive route, which probably wasn't the most effective for us.

I also introduced my hubby to this site. It was so great looking together through the articles and the products that are offered here. It kindof sparked a new interest for us.

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and advice!

[jesso]

Glad to hear you both are comfortable with the counselor. Thats really important when you are dealing with conflict. The idea about a romance night and taking turns is great! I look forward to hearing more updates!

[foryoureyesonly]

Wow, what a way to follow through! I am really glad to hear you have been so proactive. Have fun with the "homework" she gives you. Some of it is meant to be fun and bring you closer together. Other parts are going to be difficult and as I said before, will take you out of your comfort zone. Remember, this is a process. The relationship didn't get to this point overnight and it's going to be a slow climb to the top. Be patient with him and, just as important, with yourself. There may be a few steps backwards to move forward. It appears you both are very interested in making this work. I wish you both the very best of luck.