The Other Man (what's A Woman To Do?)

[Becoming]

I am currently engage but sex is not all that great in my relationship. My fiance thinks that I am not sexual enough (but I think I am) he thinks we have a problem with sex ( I don't) Since my last post (about 2-3 months) things have not really improved, the last time we had sex was about a 1 1/2 month. We do not live together (just in case you are wondering) He's really into internet pornography.

The reason I am writing is because there's a man at my job that I have found myself fantasizing about sexually. Everytime I see him I get aroused and horny-and my panties get wet. We do talk so he knows I'm there----but there are other women he has hit on execpt me...no one knows about my secret desire for him so I figure I'll start here....I know that I am in a relationship but my fiance seems to think that since I don't like to have sex that cheating is the last thing I would do---but guess what I want to cheat...I'm not saying that I haven't before but this man...oh man the things he does to me is mind blowing....we've talked and today and yesterday he came by my desk to talk. Last night I even read one of the articles on this site on "how to get your co-worker to notice you" Yep, I did....

I have been with my fiance for 4 years now and never have I felt this way about him or desired him as much as I desire to be with this man---I believe the reasoning behind all of this is that my fiance has criticize me so much when it comes to sex that there's no hope for me---he already told me that even if something dramatically happen to me---he wouldn't believe it.

So what should I do??? I know that there's a lot to lose but I have needs too...he's getting his from the internet and poor me has to wait until my fiance is ready...

[thurisas]

I think you really need to rethink your relationship with your fiance. It isn't a healthy one and it would be better to break it off now before you get into any real commitments like marriage. Sex is important, yes, but so is respecting your partner. It doesn't sound like your current fiance does that. You really should go out and find someone who has an interest in working on a relationship with you. Incidentally, does your fiance know how you feel? Have you spoken with him about your feelings about his criticism? Do you think his internet porn interest is because of the lack of interest you show(and, are his expectations of how sex should be unrealistically high due to porn)? I guess I just wonder why you've stayed with him for so long if you aren't really even interested in him.

Personally, I would warn against the office relationship. The reasons for this are twofold. First, you have to work with this person...what happens to your work life if that relationship goes south? Are you willing to take that chance? Second, most companies take sexual harrassment vary vary seriously and the two people involved in the relationship aren't nacessarily the ones who have to make the accusation. All it takes is to start making one of your other co-workers uncomfortable for your career to take a real downward turn. Ultimately the choice is yours, though, and if you do it I suggest you keep the world of work as separate as you can from the rest of your life.

Thurisas.

[Mikayla1]

I must echo most of the sentiments here. I think the problem lies in your relationship with your fiance, not with this other man. We all can look and fantasize about people - but until you figure out if you are having these intense feelings for this man because you do NOT love or are attracted to your fiance - you will not be successful in either relationship. Sure constant criticism will take a tremendous toll on your relationship. This other man is otherwise silent on all things - he is still a fantasy for you. I am guessing at one point or another your fiance was a fantasy too. Sometimes the fantasy is not as good as the reality.

As for the work relationship - I do not necessarily think it is a bad idea - but I would contemplate the situation. Is he a superior? Does he have any influence over your position there? Is he married or dating anyone else. Work relationships can be wonderful, or they can backfire tremendously as Thurasis has stated. I would tread there carefully.

Howard is right however, everyone is entitled and EMPOWERED to a have a great sex life. Why stick around with a man who is obviously unhappy with you and you are with him. Move on I say and find that great LOVE and LOVER of your life!

[Becoming]

Just to answer a few of your questions, my fiance's addiction to internet pornography is not a result of my lack of interest, when I met him he had tons of pornography videos and recently has found interest on the internet. I know that I have my lack of interest goes on and off and I'm working on that but like I said as I am my fiance has pretty much sign off on any changes when it comes to sex.

His idea of sex is that of the porn and I read an article on here about the Big No No for both men and women when it comes to sex...

About my fantasy man, he is a fantasy and I love the feelings I get when I see him, I don't believe my fiance lust after me since he's so into internet pornography, I've asked him about what he watches but like I said he's pretty much sign off on any of my interest when it comes to sex.

The man at my job is my fantasy and I am well aware of office policies when it comes to relationships on the job

[thurisas]

Then please, by all means, lose the fiance. He apparently doesn't want, or isn't mature enough for a relationship. If its a relationship that you desire, then you deserve much better than your fiance and you should go find it. As far as the fantasy co-worker goes, I personally still think its a bad idea but hey, we're all different and that's great.

Thurisas.

[Tyger]

I have to agree. Where fantasising about someone else is normal, the depth of your desire is a bit much for just a normal fantasy for this guy. Especially where you have admitted to willing to cheat. Why do that? Why put you and your fiance' thru that. Your lack of desire for your fiance' has dwindled considerably. Granted, in a long-term relationship, things are bound to cool off a bit, have ups and downs. However, you are seriously considering cheating.

There's nothing wrong with breaking up with someone because you don't love them. It's actually more admirable than to say that you don't love them, and break up with them. Why hold each other back? It's not fair to either of you to stay in a dead relationship.

I got married to my first husband because I "had made a promise to him", and I always keep my promises, even though I just KNEW deep down that it was bound to failure.

Why get married, when, you obviously aren't ready. Guilt can be a costly thing, especially in Divorce Court.

As far as the internet porn. If he's more interested in that, than you, when you're there, then he definitely has a problem. I don't mind porn (obviously). It's a fantasy world, not something that's real. Sex isn't really like that in those. It's meant to be a bit more emphasized for the sake of the production. Few porns are actually more "true to life".

It's unfortunate that your fiance' is a lousy lover. I'm not talking about what he does in the bedroom as far as his cock and tongue go. I'm talking about the comment that you made, that sent alarm bells off in my head. That he's so critical of you in the bedroom, that even if something drastic happened to you, that he wouldn't believe it. Who the hell wants to basically hear that you're a lousy lover, and there's no hope for you?? Nobody!! A great lover doesn't come from just by owning genitalia. It comes from a willingness to teach and be taught how to please/be pleased. He sounds like he's not only selfish, but too immature to even THINK of getting married.

Dump him, and find someone that really rocks your world, not only in the bedroom, but your self-esteem too!