My Sex Issues

[whittibo]

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[Tyger]

This was the PERFECT time for you to look at him and tell HIM to make a move a bit more assertive than touching your leg, or tell him, go down on me baby, or even a simple "Yes?". Or an "if you want it, show me, please me, and then MAYBE you can have me".

Getting him to TALK to you is the start. If he won't be more affectionate and accomodating, why put yourself thru that? You CAN just tell him NO, not until we get a few things out in the open. Or you can just stay on top of him, continuing to grind and pump away until you get yours, even after he's cum. So what? If he tosses you off, then, well, you've got your answer to the question I'm sure you haven't really come out and asked yourself.

Again, it takes 2 people making honest efforts. Caving, or just letting it go on enables the person taking advantage to continue to do so, and that's not fair to either person.

I'm sensing from your posts that you've basically given up, and are just going with the flow to please HIM. Well, honey, it's NOT all about him, you're absolutely right. But, if you're doing only what he wants and "needs", then it IS in his mind, ALL about him, and won't change unless you MAKE it happen, and then he needs to keep up the efforts.

Come right out and TELL him how frustrated you are. Goals must be set AND met continually. I hope you're able to get some sort of resolution, whatever it may be.

[whittibo]

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[whittibo]

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[Tyger]

Ok, well, time for the Blunt Tyger to come out. And, please don't take this as me being insulting, cuz I'm not trying to be. Here goes:

The marriage may as well be over. There, I said what others won't.

If you and your husband "aren't verbal", as you put it, then you may as well hand the walking papers over to him now, or to yourself. Without communication on BOTH your parts, you're not only wasting your time, but showing your kids that it's ok to be in a relationship that's miserable, unhappy, and unfullfilling. Be prepared for your kids to be in continuous unhappy relationships, cuz this is what they're growing up with, and see as "the norm".

Whatever your financial situation is, well, there will be court-ordered child support, and most likely, spousal, if you both agree to having you stay at home & continue homeschooling. This does not have to cost a lot of money. Take the $$ you use for BC, since you should just stop fucking your husband (which is what you're doing, is just fucking. Making love is between 2 caring, loving people.) and go file. You can get the state appropriate divorce papers online. Both of you will HAVE to agree on stuff, or there will be the need for a lawyer.

It's sad that you've chosen to stay in this boring and unfullfilling relationship. But, there are ways to either fix it, or leave. You could go see a priest/minister in your area, that helps married couples figure out what's wrong. There are also free clinics out there, but you have to find them, they don't come knocking at your door.

Just making continuous excuses isn't helping at all. There are pros and cons to every relationship, things we wish would change, and stuff we want to stay the same or get better. However, your relationship, from your side, seems to have a lot of emotional cons, and good financial pros. Who's to say it can't be BOTH?? It's your choice.

Best wishes!

[whittibo]

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[thurisas]

I have to agree with Tyger. Your marriage is all but over. It seems you and your husband are going through the motions of making a marriage but the reality of it all is that neither of you is probably happy, your children will likely suffer, and because you're not an outgoing or assertive person you will continue to let it go on like this for lack of courage. If you want to change the status quo, you need to change yourself because obviously this 17 year rut isn't going to fix itself. You can lie to yourself all you want and call your situation helpless but in the end I think you know that you need to get the courage to find happiness for you and your children with or without your husband. I'm sorry if that sounds a little harsh.

Thurisas.

[Tyger]

Whether your house is paid for or not, there is more to life than credit card debt and finances. Granted, having money to pay bills is important, however, how much are you willing to sacrifice to have a good relationship? There ARE ways to get that stuff taken care of!! Credit card companies are usually willing to settle almost HALF what you owe (if your account has gone into collections), just to get something rather than nothing. That's what I did after I sold some property, got all my credit cards paid off, less than half what was owed, and I went thru Credit Clean Up for anything else that I either contested or wasn't able to pay, without going thru bankruptcy! It took over a year to do, but, again effort. AND I throw away ALL credit card offers now! No more sinking into that rut again!

I don't mean to sound disrespectful, and hopefully, you've read enough of my other answers here to know that I am not. But, at the same time, you SAY you're trying to make a marriage out of this, but, griping, and silently getting pissed off at a man that is either clueless, insensitive, or probably a bit of both, isn't making a marriage. OPEN & HONEST communication does. If he doesn't know you're crying, LET HIM KNOW! If he's done or said something to piss you off, LET HIM KNOW! If there's something you want him to do in bed, LET HIM KNOW & MAKE SURE HE KNOWS HOW TO DO IT.

No human being can read minds to the extent that they will know what you want, how you feel, and how you're feeling. You have to let them know it!!!

You've admitted to one good point, that you're family wasn't overly affectionate, and, in turn, you married a man that you have a comfort zone with, since that's what you're use too. NOW you want it to change? And this is HIS fault? No, it's both, sadly. You settled for what you were use too, and now, you have no clue how to change it. You cut off suggestions with excuses how to go about it. Sacrifices on BOTH sides have to be made for a marriage to work!! Excuses and just plain giving up doesn't do it.

You've seen how others have good relationships, and you wish now to have that. GREAT!! But you can't expect your husband to all of a sudden just go all gusto, out of HIS comfort range. HE may not be willing or able to do this. This is a big big change, for both of you. He may not have the mental tools (not saying he's an idiot or anything) to do this. Some people just can't change their whole lives instantly. A year or 2 is a relatively short time period. He started to change, but fell back into a rut. This happens. He will need help to stay on track. Gentle prodding to say "OK, time to pay attention". HE has to be willing to TRY.

When my hubby & I decided to have a child, we agreed that I would be a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom). Not as far as home-schooling, but, until she goes to public school, I was to stay home. There have been 3 seperate times, in the almost 5 yrs that our daughter has been here, that I have HAD to go to work. One long stint was a year long stint as a cashier at Wal*Mart. With my experience of being a Retail Goddess, I was making only .50 cents less than your husband is.....as a cashier! After being management in a couple of retail stores, this was an obvious step-down, but it had to be done!! And, we are in the poorest county in Texas, low income families abound, and even low-paying jobs are scarce! Why did I do this? Family survival! We were on state aide, and also WIC. Why? Family survival! We pawned a lot of our stuff, some of which we lost since we couldn't afford to get it out of hock. Why? You guessed it, family survival! Was it hard? ABSO-Freakin'-LUTELY!!! I stepped up, even though my hubby really didn't want me too, and helped our family out. I stayed an extra 5 mos. for the extra cash to help alieviate the stress on my hubby. Once he got the oil rig job that he did, I was able to leave Wal*Mart, with people STILL wanting me to come back! Maybe your husband isn't qualified to make as much as some of the people on here. OK, fine, your business. However, there are still ways to help out if you look. Babysitting, online jobs, even having a yard sale to bring in some exra cash and get rid of a lot of junk, can all help! Even a paper route!

Anyway, like I said, I wish you all the happiness and willingness to try! *hugs*

[Tyger]

Double post, my bad!! LOL

[thurisas]

Sorry Howard, but times have changed immensely. Now, even up here in podunk parts of Maine you have to wonder if, when you send your child to school in the morning, they will come home at all. In inner city schools, weapons of all types being brought to school is a problem. The teachers and aides that I've talked to mostly feel they barely have the authority to keep a significant amount of order in their classrooms let alone teach something meaningful. The class sizes and streamlined cirriculums make it hard for those children who are different than those students who the cirriculum was created for(some classes I got bored waiting for people to catch up, other classes I felt like I was being left in the dust) to learn well. The freedom teachers had is no longer there. As far as parent activity...it was next to impossible for me to stay after school for any reason at all unless I wanted a 7 mile walk home(up hill, both ways in the snow...haha) because my parents were in jobs that would keep them until 7pm or later and I was lucky in those times that I could find a ride that far out of the way from a friend's parent. In a time where many parents don't work a 9-5 job anymore getting people to show up to children's personal events is taxing let alone getting parents to a PTA meeting. At least with home schooling you're taking better control of where your child will be both physically and academically and there are plenty of programs in place to get the child out and about to learn social skills.

I am quite impressed with anyone who can take on that kind of responsibility with their child and succeed.

Thurisas.

[whittibo]

I used to have to take my youngest to the local school (prior to her being IN school) for speech therapy twice a week. When I see 8 year olds wearing leather pants, high heals and tight shirts, it's enough to make my stomach turn. My kids are not typical home schoolers that you think of when you think of home schoolers. I don't make them wear dresses and have long straight hair and they have to keep their mouths shut. They talk back to me just like teenagers do. They have social interactions, they are just well behaved kids and most of that is due to home schooling.

I am an introvert. I have social anxieties. I knew I could not/would not be able to work in a school setting. I am fine around kids, just not adults and most of that comes from my own dad telling me all my life I wasn't good enough. Wasn't pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, my legs were too fat, my boobs were different sizes. Also living in CA where EVERYONE has to be a supermodel, well that eats away at your self esteem as well. So I knew I wouldn't be active in my kids schooling IF they went to public school. We were around public school kids, we didn't want our kids to act like that. And frankly I didn't want my kids to go through the peer pressure I had to go through. I have been home schooling my kids for 10 years now. I started when very few families were doing it. I have never regretted my choice to home school and in fact it's been a huge blessing since my two younger kids have ADD and are dyslexic, like me. My oldest thought she might want to go to school this year as she is a Freshmen, but we all, as a family decided it was better to keep her home. And honestly, every kid in this neighborhood tells my kids how lucky they are that they get to be home schooled. One young boy, his mom is a teacher at the local high school, a very GOOD high school and she was considering pulling him out and letting him learn at home. :s

It's a personal choice, and I don't try to talk anyone into doing it, if people ask, I tell them, otherwise, I respect their decision to send their kids to school. It's not for everyone, that's for sure. But just like I respect everyone else's choice to send their kids to school, I appreciate others respecting MY choice not to.

[whittibo]

I had a lengthy talk with him last night and we got a lot sorted out. He said he knew there was a problem but didn't know how to solve it. He told me he loves me and was very sorry.

I am sure we'll fall into the same rut over and over again, but I have to not let it get that far out of control anymore and not keep it pent up. It's hard to talk to a man when I am not from a family who talks and neither is he.

And our lives out of the bedroom is wonderful when our bedroom life is functioning. I think we BOTH try to stay away from each other when we're both miserable. So hopefully that will change again now too.

[thurisas]

I'm glad you sat down and talked. In situations like this one communication is the only key to keeping it together. I still say that if he isn't holding up his end of the bargain you both made then you need to set him down and have another talk before you do anything. It does you no good to keep it pent up inside until you're ready to explode or break down. Good luck to you and yours.

Thurisas.