Feeling Insecure

[sweetnothings]

I suppose my question is due to my own insecurities. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. We have a very good marriage and a decent sex life, it isn't mind blowing or anything. So anyhow I work evening shift and he works days (this is due to the kids schedules). Sometimes we go up to 4 days without having sex but most of the time we make up for it on my days off by having sex several different times in the day. Since I have been working eves I have noticed his sex drive going down hill. When I get home from work he is usually already sleeping. I don't usually bother him unless I am really horny. Last night I was horny so I got in bed and started licking and sucking on his balls. He rolled over to give me better access. He was already pretty erect. I sucked on his dick for a little bit and then I climbed on top of him which is pretty much the only way I have a g spot orgasm. Well I done my thing and achieved the pleasure that I had set out for. My legs were tired so I rolled over and let him on top. He pounded me but never did orgasm...he stopped and rested a bit and then went at it again. Still nothing so I put my legs over his shoulders which he usually really likes....still nothing. After awhile he just stopped told me that he loved me and went to sleep. This really bothers me when it happens. So I am wondering what would cause him to not orgasm? I know that if he has to pee he sometimes has troubles...he never got up to use the bathroom afterwards. Is it me? I know that I am an attractive woman but after 4 kids I am no longer the tiny thing that he married. I wouldn't and most others wouldn't consider me fat but I am "thicker" than he would like. Another thing is that when he can't get off it is usually when I initiate the sex. Since I am usually pretty submissive is he intimidated when I take control. If he initiates the sex and I climb on top he has no trouble getting off....usually before I am ready. He can cum in my mouth, from fucking my tits and sometimes in my hand so it isn't a health issue. So am I thinking about this too much? Am I just so used to him being a speed racer that when it takes longer it catches me off gaurd? I don't know but it really makes me not want to even start anything because I want him to finish. I am not sure why it is so important to me. He has no problem just rolling over when he is done. I have to "make" him give me some time when I feel like I want to acheive something.

[Tyger]

Well, first off, welcome to the forum.

Contrary to popular belief, there WILL be times, for some reason, that a man can't orgasm, just like women. Whether he may be tired, has to pee, or just can't for some reason, this does happen, and I wouldn't take it personally. I don't think there's anything medically wrong with him since he CAN cum other ways.

He may not get overly turned on when you take the initiative, since, as you said, he prefers to be the dominant one, however, there are ways to make sure that he does. Dirty talk, position changes, allowing him to SEE you (men are visually stimulated more), and letting HIM make some decisions, even if you initiate it, may help.

Life happens honey. Having kids, getting older, working and not having time to go to the gym, these things happen. You can try harder to loose weight if you want. Or accept how you are. If he says that he loves you just the way you are, then just go with that. If he found you unattractive, then he would probably not be able to even have sex with you. I've said this many times: if you're feeling bad about yourself, find something that makes you feel better. Say, you're having a great hair day (yes, those DO happen ), allowing yourself to think that you look great doesn't make you arrogant, it makes you more self-assured, and darlin', there's nothing more sexy than a secure woman! When we feel more secure in our skin, we stand up straighter, our breasts stick out, and there's an added wiggle in our walk! What straight guy can resist that?

My ex SIL was close to 350 lbs at her heaviest, she was under 5'4", and she STILL felt great about herself, walked with confidence, put herself out there, and had to turn men away!

He may be more tired, since you're working now, and he has to do more at work and/or at home. This shows that he's trying more, which can be a good thing.

Maybe you have on your favorite pair of jeans......show off that money maker!! Makeup looks bangin' today, awesome! Find something that makes you feel good, even if it's just a spritz of your favorite perfume, and go with that. Think of something, at least one thing a day, that makes you feel like a natural woman, and have fun with it!

Only YOU can make yourself feel better INSIDE. Though, it's great to hear compliments (sincere ones). Don't fish for them, but, one day, ask your hubby why he doesn't compliment you as much anymore. Sometimes, we get so use to the view, we miss things that may be obvious to someone else. Compliment him more too. Men love compliments just as much as women do. But, sometimes in different ways. Like, if he takes out the garbage without being asked, thank him for that. If he helps get the kids to bed, thank him. Daily grinds can make us forget how much we appreciate the little things. If my hubby does something that I've asked him to do, and it's a reasonable amount of time (he's infamous for forgetting stuff I ask him to do), I make a big deal about it. But, not so much that it sounds insincere/patronizing either.

I hope some of this helps.

[pappyld04]

"he's infamous for forgetting stuff I ask him to do" --> Hey Tyger I'm gonna have to do some research to find out if this is a guy thing or a roughneck, (I mean piano player in a brothel) thing. My memory is almost as short as my penis. I'll have to get back to you on that one. But you are 150% correct that confident women are very sexy.

[Mikayla1]

I am truly sorry that you feel insecure - but I think it is the fate of most women that we look to others, especially men, for acceptance, love, reciprocation of feelings, etc - and when we do not get it, we start to doubt ourselves. Are we fat? Does he still love us? Are we good enough? Many women have had these feelings when a lover starts acting....different. Most times it has NOTHING to do with us - we are just women who are worried about what WE are doing.

It seems to me like you are a healthy, active, sexually aware woman. If you are willing and able to get into bed and rouse your SO from sleep by sucking on his balls and cock then that man is LUCKY! Yeah, he might not really like the aggressive initiator in you, but if it bothered him THAT much, he wouldn't have gotten hard! The fact is, most men would KILL to have their SO do that just ONCE! There is nothing wrong with that - or with you for doing it.

I agree with Tyger, sometimes men just can't orgasm! Hey, many women have the opposite problem -their men cum to quick, or can't maintain their erection. Your man got hard easily, gave you orgasms, pounded you good, and then just had to go to sleep. I find that to be normal and nothing to worry about. A man not orgasming has NOTHING to do with you or your skills in bed. OK, so maybe some may argue that if you were "better" he would cum - but that logic doesn't hold true.

If he truly likes to initiate sex - that is great - but in a relationship where both partners want to initiate it, then he will have to realize that you being hot for him is a GOOD thing and not worry about it. I suggest you ask him if that affects his reaction to you. Be honest with him about you wanting and desiring him.

As for the schedule dilemma, this is something that many couples go through. If you can't change it, then you should try to find a good time to have sex. Couples sometimes get caught up in the "how many times" they are having sex, instead of thinking about quality instead of quantity. Yes, we would all like to have sex every day - but in our world, that is not always possible. If you are having sex a couple of times a day on your days off - AND that sex is good and fullfilling - why are you worrying?

He obviously loves you and is attracted to you. Men don't have sex a few times a day with women they are not attracted to. I personally think you are worrying a bit too much. I understand why....I get it....we women are always worried about these things, I have gone through it myself.

Also, if he doesn't finish but HE is OK with it - then do not worry about it. Just my opinion, but I think you should talk to him about this. Let him know your concerns and talk about the initiation issue. No woman who is secure enough in herself to initiate sex and please herself and her partner should feel bad about it.

[sweetnothings]

Thanks to all of you for the advice and the reassurance. I know in my head that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill...yet I can't help the uncomfortable feelings it gave me. I guess I am just being overly sensitive. I don't want, nor do I expect him to be superman or anything. Like someone said....if he is OK with it, then I should be also. I just needed reassurance that this does happen in good relationships and it is not because I done something "wrong". I wanted to make sure that I am doing my part in keeping an old relationship renewed. Thanks again.

[pappyld04]

Thanks to all of you for the advice and the reassurance. I know in my head that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill...yet I can't help the uncomfortable feelings it gave me. I guess I am just being overly sensitive. I don't want, nor do I expect him to be superman or anything. Like someone said....if he is OK with it, then I should be also. I just needed reassurance that this does happen in good relationships and it is not because I done something "wrong". I wanted to make sure that I am doing my part in keeping an old relationship renewed. Thanks again.

Maybe it's just me but I think the only thing you have done wrong is doubting yourself. You should hold your head high and be proud of who you are!