My Mother

[Sunshine Sam218]

I hope I have posted this in the right section. If not, I apologize.

So here's the problem, ever since I've been living with my boyfriend my mother has been still babying me. Before when I lived with her she did it and I never really thought anything about it. Now that I'm finally living away from home she has been continuing to baby me. [Example: I first moved down here and went to Bank America to get checks and the whole time she was talking for me, I never got to put a say in anything.] It really upsets me. I've tried talking to her on the phone about it and every time I try to explain to her how she makes me feel she always give me the guilty trip.

I came to believe maybe she's just having a hard time with me moving out to live with my boyfriend. I never moved away from home before. If that is the case, I understand but there's certain limits for people. I like to have a life of my own, I don't always want to have to answer to her and tell her every little thing that happens in my life. Another time she has called she has asked me...

1. If I have found a job yet

2. How is my money holding up

3. When are we going to get married

I don't know if I'm over exaggerating or what. It just seems like this is always the case whenever she calls.

Most recent was

When I'm going to visit and I've only been living here for seven months now. She recently saw me in September. I told her I'd visit her over the holidays cause they don't celebrate them.

Now I'm afraid when I do end up visiting her, she's going to try to make me feel guilty and try me in to moving back home. A lot of my friends told me that my mother just misses me and to try to talk to her about it. I try too whenever she calls and every time she ends up getting upset and saying don't you love me anymore? I feel like I can't even talk to her without her getting upset.

I hope I don't sound cold hearted about the whole thing, I'm just frustrated.

I love my mother very much, I just want to be independent now and she's taking it as if I don't need her anymore. It's really stressing me out and I hope someone can give me some advice about the problem.

[pappyld04]

Hello again Samma! I doubt that anything we could say would change your relationship with your mom. Maybe an opinion or10 to let you know that this will be rather difficult to change but it is possible. I know you feel like she is constantly on your back or in your ear but she is worried about you. Your choice to move has taken her out of everything that she considered her norm and she may be having a little trouble with the change. Aside from the guilt trips I'm sure you know she cares for you and loves and misses you. Some parents (dads also) have trouble letting their kids forge their own way in the world. In order to stand on your own two feet you need to find a way to show her that you can do it. It might be a good idea to find just a little more time to talk to her and let her know that you are not moving back but you would like to have a better relationship with her. I hope you fix this before it drives the two of you apart!

[Sunshine Sam218]

I plan on clearing everything up with my mother the next time I call her. I don't want our relationship to fade. The main reason I was upset about everything was cause of what she said to me.... My family drove up to visit me, once she got out of the car she pointed out about how I changed and gained weight. Then right afterwards she asks me why I'm not happy to see her. It really hurt my feelings. We talked on the phone once she made it back home and told her how it made me feel.

I'm sure once she's used to me not being at home, she'll relax.

Thanks for replying to my post!

[Tyger]

It doesn't say how old you are in your profile, but I am assuming you're maybe 18, 19-ish? Fresh out of the nest, so to speak.

Honey, parents, especially mothers, do this. My mother STILL baby's me, only once in a while now though, and I'm 34!!

You just have to, nicely, remind her that she needs to treat you as an adult, please. Many times. I don't know what kind of person she is. Some mothers get it, others don't. My father's mother babied him until the day she died!! And he was in his late 40's when she did! Try not to get mad at her. She is only wanting to know and assure herself that you're ok, even without her being right in her life 100% of the time. If you're an only child, or at least the only girl, this may be harder for her to do.

As far as when you're doing business (like at the bank), I would suggest that you either not take her, ask her to stay in the car, or, if she insists that she go in, that she MUST keep her mouth shut, and opinions to herself. Tell her that you need to do these sorts of things on your own, and you need to learn about these things as an adult. It was disrespectful, in a way, for her to do what she did, however, she was probably just making sure you were taken care of appropriately.

As far as her asking you if you're getting married; it's more acceptable, by today's standards, to live with someone first, before marriage. IMO, this is actually better, since you actually learn to live with someone else's quirks, idiocyncracies, and so on, BEFORE committing to them legally. May I suggest that you do what I did with my first live-in BF and my mother? Tell her that you're not ready for such a LARGE & legally binding commitment, and that you want to see if things work out this way first. And that you would appreciate her not asking that anymore. If she keeps asking, just remind her that you explained yourself, and again, please stop asking.

There is nothing wrong with telling your mother, kindly, to back off and allow you to grow up. But, be kind, because she is going to have a hard time with her baby leaving the nest.

[Sunshine Sam218]

I didn't want to put much info on my profile cause I'm always cautious about things on the net. I'm 24 years old though, I look 19 years old though. I have such a baby face, haha.

Thanks for the advice Tyger, I really appreciate it. My mother has a hard time of letting go of things. I'm her only baby girl so I can understand why it's so hard for her.

I find this forum really helpful and I'm very happy I joined!

[thurisas]

I agree with most of what has already been said save for one thing. Many mothers use guilt to try and keep a modicum of control over their children, that's life. Its when they throw out the "You don't love me anymore" line that really irks me personally. I've never been in this situation but have watched it being done to one close to me and I can only hope that if it ever presented itself I could answer it with "Wow...huh...never thought of it like that, I guess I don't love you." (long pause) "You know that isn't true, are you ready to talk like adults now?" Of course, I'm a slightly sarcastic person by nature.

Thurisas.

[Tricknology]

Being the oldest sibling of two, and there being seven years between us, I've had an interesting viewpoint in seeing how our mother has dealt with each of us "leaving the nest." I really had no major instances of "babying," whereas my sister has had to endure loads of it. I would venture a guess that it's some vague (and sometimes not-so-vague) relationship issue with a lot of mothers/daughters. Might have to ask my sister if she's come across anything in her Psychology studies about this phenomenon.

[pappyld04]

Being the oldest sibling of two, and there being seven years between us, I've had an interesting viewpoint in seeing how our mother has dealt with each of us "leaving the nest." I really had no major instances of "babying," whereas my sister has had to endure loads of it. I would venture a guess that it's some vague (and sometimes not-so-vague) relationship issue with a lot of mothers/daughters. Might have to ask my sister if she's come across anything in her Psychology studies about this phenomenon.

As the oldest of 3 boys I can tell you it also has to do with being the "baby". My mom would bankrupt herself for my youngest brother. I'm not sure all mothers are this way but most that I know are. When the baby tries to take flight they have mama holding them by the tailfeathers.