Oral Sex Issue...

[Lacey607]

Hi,

My boyfriend can't orgasm during a blow job unless he is standing up. He says that it's because he needs his feet to be planted on the ground. Is this problem common? He can orgasm during sex in nearly every position. Do I just suck at giving it to him and he's trying to protect my feelings, or is it just a weird quirk he has? This situation makes me very self-concious, although he says he's had this problem before with other females. He says I'm amazing at it, but I wouldn't put it past him to lie about my "skill". Any insight?

[swoodzy]

Wow, that is a good one. It is probably the fact that he cannot SEE you suck him. Guys are visual. I know when I am recieving, I like to watch. Of course, I'll take it any way I can get it.

[Mikayla1]

I would say it is probably that he does like to watch you sucking him off. Many men are visual, and being able to look down and see you sucking his cock can be the one big thing he likes about it. If he has no other issues orgasming during sex while lying down - then it is nothing more than preference. I wouldn't worry about it. What I am concerned about is how you suggest that he would easily "lie" to you. Does he lie often? Is there a reason you doubt him? That is the bigger picture here.

[Tyger]

I will echo the other poster's sentiments. It sounds as if this is just a personal "quirk" as you put it. For whatever reason, this is how he preferes to have a BJ. I wouldn't worry about it. If you want to switch it up a bit, and see if it's possible to get him to cum while sitting, surprise him with a BJ while he's driving. That may be the way to do it!

[Lacey607]

I guess "lie" may have been too strong a word. Lets say I wouldn't put it past him to "sugar coat" the situation in attempts to save my feelings. Thanks for the advice. LOVE the forum.

[corky]

I have been looking for a site that shows video instruction-not wanting to walk into a video store and hang out in the back room with the pervs.

[Lacey607]

Thanks for your input everyone. Howard, I knew this had some effed up underlying psychological issue, Thanks for clearing that up. He does perform oral sex on me before sex and after if I dont orgasm at the same time as him. I've read all the tricks and put most of them to use, he's only climaxed this way maybe 3 times in our 4 yr relationship (all of which he ended up jamming it down my throat himself, not a happy ending for me needless to say). He's a little weird about anal touching to say the least, but I'm slowly talking him into it. Now, for the past 3 days he has declined BJ's everytime I offer, (I've recently become really interested in it.). I don't know what the problem is. I feel like I'm spending every spare moment of my free time researching how to make him more happy in that way, and to no avail. This is really taking a toll on my self-esteem and I'm half tempted to go give a complete stranger a BJ just to reassure myself. Another complaint he has is that he feels "pressured into finishing" because I used to get tired after about 20 mins. But now I'm really enthusiastic about it and still nothing, he usually gets frustrated halfway through and sticks it in me... I'm so close to just giving up on the whole idea and giving him nothing at all. URGGGHHH.... I tried altoids, mini-vibe on my cheek, mini-vibe on the "million dollar point", deep throating, ball sucking...its endless. I dont know what the heck is wrong!!!! Its really disconcerting to try SO HARD to do something special for him with no results. I'm just going to end up telling him whats really up, "Dick can be replaced with plastic, good luck trying to find a hot wet hole to stick your's in."

[thurisas]

Somehow I don't think you'll find the same connection with plastic that you do with a man and his cock. As far as your problem goes, if it bugs you that much you have to set him down and talk to him about all of your concerns and feelings in a non-accusatory way during a time and a place where there is no sexual tension. He may not realize what he's doing and you may not realize some things you may be doing wrong as well. You both need to communicate and you both need to listen to what the other is saying.

Thurisas.

[thurisas]

Incidentally, Tyger, as one who has had a blow job while driving, I think it is a very very bad idea. It is far too hard to concentrate on the road and the sensation at the same time. I'd really like to see that study that shows how a bj while driving compares to drunk driving.(they did it with cell phones, why not this?)

Thurisas.

[Lacey607]

I really think that we have a mostly normal relationship, i'm begining to think the problem is me. I'm having a hard time letting go of him cheating on me. So, when he declines my sexual advances I get REALLY self-conscious that he's getting it somewhere else. I know he's not by becoming semi-stalker but i still have that little insecurity. We're in the midst of working on re-building trust in the relationship but there are still certain triggers that make me think about it all over again.

[Tyger]

LMAO Thurisas. I've also been the giver of a "Driving BJ", and it makes it that much more thrilling, having the man driving, having to stay on the road, AND get pleasure too. I would recommend doing such a bold move on an open stretch of road though. Especially the first time. I'm sure if they do a study on the effects of driving while getting a BJ, there will be plenty of volunteers to sign up for THAT research!!

Anyway, as far as the cheating thing, and the blow to your self-esteem. Honey, if you don't feel that you can trust this man, then why stay with him? Trust is earned, and once broken, it's very hard to get back. Women take cheating a bit more personally, IMO. We feel that there must've been something that we did or didn't do, and that we are at fault for our man's cheating. When, in fact, it's not US, but the guy's inability to keep his dick in his jeans, zipped up safe and sound.

When we stay with a cheater, we have a tendancy to over-think everything that the cheater does. Why is there no interest in sex, is it because he is sleeping with someone else? Why would he turn down oral sex from me, is he getting it somewhere else? Why does he seem distant? Is it because he wants to spend time with the other person instead of me? All these are not only the natural thoughts that occur, but are really good questions to ask yourself.

A truly reformed and sorry cheater will make every effort to make you feel that they made a terrible mistake, and will do anything that is humanly possible (for them) to make it all better. Ones that don't seem to really care, but just say they're sorry, go thru the motions, are insincere, and withdraw into themselves. People also do this if they've confessed, feel really bad, and don't know how to handle trying to make it feel better, OR if you constantly pester them with all of the questions of "where were you?"s and so on. Granted, those are going to happen when it's fresh, but constantly accussing someone of doing what they're not doing (anymore) may be pushing them away too.

It's up to you to ask him which of those it is.

If you feel inept in giving a BJ, what is the big deal, while you're down there, to ask him what he wants? Try different things, and ask him inbetween if he likes that, does he want you to continue, what would he like for you to do? That doesn't make you sound stupid, it makes you sound like you really want to learn how to please him.

Best wishes!

[Lacey607]

Howard, I'm glad you think there is nothing going on outside of the relationship, thank you for your honesty and comforting words. Tyger, he did confess and feels really bad...but I guess i DO keep rehashing the whole thing once in awhile and bring it up and get upset all over again. Just some things trigger me to think about it and bring it up, and then I feel the need to talk about it. I found out about 5 months ago, I don't know if i'm getting over it too slowly or what but... I still think about it every other day and have a full out crying episode maybe once a week. I finally realized it wasn't my fault, but i'm still a little insecure. He has given me truthful answers about every question i've asked him, even down to the gory details. Its just the trust re-building that really needs to get rolling... Although he's made efforts, theres not really good advice anywhere on how to re-build trust. He's printed out his work schedule for me so I know when he is at work, he calls if hes going to be late, and he always asks me if he is allowed to go out without me (although i usually say no, he understands why). Just time I think... and we'll be fine, I'm just going to attribute his lack of drive to stress at work for now. Thanks!

[Tyger]

Lacey, I'm glad that he's being so honest about his whereabouts, and is allowing you to keep tabs on him, in efforts to show that he's worth trusting again. 5 months is a relatively short time to find out and start healing over something like that. It's not like you should be over it in a week or so. He violated your trust. That takes time, and depending on the person, a long time, to re-establish. It's not a quick fix thing.

Howard brought up a good point: your status in the relationship. Is it dating, "going out" which is the term used for "going steady" aka not seeing anyone else, living together (which obviously should mean you're exclusive), engaged? If you're just dating, there really is no "commitment there. However, if you've BOTH agreed that you're exclusive, then, yes, there has been a betrayal here. Women associate sex with love, men don't a lot of times. So, if a woman sleeps with a man, they are usually thinking that they're exclusive, when in fact, the man doesn't think that way at all. Great point Howard!

As far as the honest answers to your questions......there are probably some details that you really shouldn't know about, like the gory ones (overly detailed). Many women are extremely visual in their minds, so you can picture these things. Everyone is curious, but, if you can keep picturing every act that they did, and where, well, that's torturing yourself. When someone cheats, IMO, the only things to know are:

Who

When

Where

How Long was the affair

And, was protection used.

If the answer was NO to the last one, IMO, you should kick his ass to the curb, cuz he didn't care what he brought home to you as far as bacterial infections, and of course, STDs. That shows NO consideration at all (though cheating is a good indicator of not caring) for your health and safety.

Also, if they have the affair and bring the person home to screw in YOUR shared bed, again, kick them to the curb, IMO. Again, lack of consideration.

You will probably know whether or not the affair, if it was ongoing, got emotional. Meaning he grew to have feelings for this girl. IMO, an emotional affair is probably worse than a one-night stand. A bit more going on in it, if you KWIM.

To get over something like this, takes time, and open communication. He should be willing to answer your questions, but you should also try to think about yourself and what you really can handle as far as details go. It almost sounds like you know a bit too much, and have trouble getting those things out of your head.

He may not want to sleep with you out of guilt. He also may not want you to bring up the affair during sex. If you have done this, or burst into tears during sex because of the thoughts running in your head (which is normal when it's still fresh), then he may be a bit discouraged and not want to hurt you at the same time.

I also noticed your 22. And, I don't want to sound patronizing, but you are young. These kinds of things effect your still growing self-esteem a great deal. Only YOU are going to know whether or not you can fully heal over this, with him. Him being there, right now, is a constant reminder. You have to learn to forgive, and let go. But, never forget. If he cheats again, and you actually catch him, then kick him to the curb, cuz he won't stop.

I've been cheated on a couple of times. I have grown to have a philosophy: no matter what you do, if someone wants to cheat, they will find a way to cheat, no matter how tight the reigns seem to be. You have to be willing to allow that person space, give trust, and, if they do cheat, understand that there was NOTHING you could have done to prevent it.

Best wishes.

[Lacey607]

Howard, I apologize for any misconception, we are in a committed relationship and will be married in june of 2009 (after I graduate college), I don't often use the term "fiance". We have also been living together for 4 months. I'm also sorry if I came off as not being truthful, but as the post grew I thought I should probably share the whole story...Since this is an open forum, and not a law office, I guess i was afraid to bare all to a bunch of strangers. Thanks for the input though.

Tyger, Thank you for your insight as well, you've been extremely helpful. I guess I may have said it in another thread, but all 3 incidents occured outside of our home and were drunken mistakes, and he has no interest in talking to any of the women involved. Thanks again everyone.