Masturbating Vs. Sex

[amyk]

I just recently realized that my boyfriend masturbates at least once a day sometimes twice. He comes home and masturbates to porn on the computer or he will do it in the shower if I am home. This is really starting to bother me. I am a very sexual person, if I he would let I would want to sex at least onces a day. We do have sex 2-3 times a week. He comes every time so I know he is getting satisfied. I thought maybe he was just getting bored so I even tried to spice things up a bit. Nothing changed. I am tired of him turning me down for sex. The only time we have sex is when he asks for it but still he is masturbating EVERYDAY. I mean is that normal. I have talked to him about it before. It is a very sensitive subject w/him. He said that sex has become like a job now and too much thinking involved(such as him holding back from coming to soon) He would rather just masturbate to a girl on the computer since "she wouldn't be able to care how fast he came" He also said that he tired and would just get done and over with so he can relax. I have now quit asking for sex after being turned down so many times. I guess I have couple questions here. Is it normal for him to masturbating so much? How do I get him to stop thinking of sex like a job?

[Mikayla1]

Welcome Mariah!

OK, you have a lot going on in this question. Let me try to answer some questions. First, men masturbate. Period. Men in satisfying relationships masturbate MORE statistically than single men! Why? Well, they have sex on the brain more and they are horny more. True. Second, men look at masturbation as pure stress relief. They can go as fast or as slow as they want. They can fantasize about whatever they want. They can just get it done, have the release and go to bed. The fact that he is doing it when he gets home tells me it is mostly for stress relief. I would not worry about him masturbating.

Now, what I might worry about is his view on sex. Sex is NOT a job - and no one should think of it as such. Sex is adult playtime -and foreplay, sex, afterplay - are all part of it! What is a typical night of sex like for you two? Is it different or the same? Do you spend time having foreplay? If your man is just wanting to "fuck and be done" then he is clearly not looking at sex in the right way. He needs to look at your sex time as satisfying for both of you. Pleasing you is pleasing him. He is not looking at that. He is addicted to the "quick fix" of masturbation. This is not good. As I say, masturbation is great for men and women, but it should NOT replace good sex with your partner!

I suggest you try to talk to him about it. Let him know that you want to have hot, good sex with him. Don;t nag him about the masturbation -but perhaps find a way to integrate yourself into it. For example, when he is in the shower, go in there with him. Men love blow jobs and sex in the shower - so surprise him. If he begins to totally ignore you sexually, you may want to consider dumping him. IF he is unwilling to not only give you time but substance, then he is not worth it in the end!

[SensualWoman]

I don't mean to be, well, mean (I have terrible spelling...) but I think that it is more than that he is used to the "quick fix", I think that he's also not interested in you as his girlfriend anymore. Because my bf didn't loose his virginity until 25, and that was with me, and he had never been intimate with another woman before, and was addicted to porn just before he met me. However, even though he was used to that quick fix, he has tried his hardest to keep me satisfied, and never thought of it as a job, rather something he wanted and enjoyed doing. So I don't see how that is a good excuse... Or maybe it really IS the way he sees it... I don't know. And it is true, my bf and I both masterbate, especially during my menstral cycle. And when I am not here with him, he masterbates like a freak! Like, 4-5 times a day, if I am gone the whole day... But he never does so many times when I am here, because we are doing things.

Have you tried giving him a surprise blow job? Or maybe dressed in uber sexy underwear or pj's? Maybe you could ask him if he wants to try having sex while watching porn...? Like, watching and trying to doing the same positions as they do... Although, I'm sure it would bother anyone to hear that he said that the chick in porn doesn't care when he comes. It's not about that! It's about coming at the same time, to feel that connection! The pleasure of orgasming at the same time is so amazing! It shouldn't be about HIM it should be about US you know? The way he says things sounds selfish, and will not help the neither of you. Talk to him about it, even if he is uncomfortable. Just put it in a sort of secret code, so he doesn't feel too pressured to into talking about it in a outright way.

Just be sure to think about if he's really worth all that time and effort.

[Willow~]

I am tired of him turning me down for sex. The only time we have sex is when he asks for it but still he is masturbating EVERYDAY. I mean is that normal.

Yes, it is. He is enjoying his own body, and he knows what pleases him more than anyone. He wants a quick stress relief cum. And there's nothing wrong with that. You should be masturbating whenever YOU feel the need to also.

He said that sex has become like a job now and too much thinking involved(such as him holding back from coming to soon) He would rather just masturbate to a girl on the computer since "she wouldn't be able to care how fast he came"

Sorry but that's just inconsiderate to say that to you. Sex is not a chore. That part would concern me. Are you voicing to him he's coming to quickly? I'd suggest you getting there a bit ahead of him. Masturbate yourself and please yourself. It's not fully up to him to satisfy you, you have to be in control of your own orgasm.

I use my vibe to pleasure myself while we have sex. I know how much stim I need, and I always manage to cum with him when I do that.

Maybe that will help.

[Kinky Twinkie]

I can understand his position, I just asked my wife if she had a problem with me masterbating and she said "No, as long as you not doing it with someone else".

He might be caught up in to much technique trying to please that it now feels that it is work and yes that is understandable. He needs to relax and just go with the flow. If he comes early sometimes then that ok just try it again later. Why not having a few orgasms if you can but do not worry about how many. It a nice goal to work on self improvment but sometimes we over do it. Like over training at the gym. We inspired and motivated so much that when we don't get the desired result we want right away (the right now) it becomes work trying when it should be play.

I been trying hard to give my wife G spot orgasms for about two years, progress us slow but we getting there. Is it work, hell yea because we get on the brink so many times and never past that point. My hands and tongue be tired after an hour or so and we just keep getting to that point of almost but not yet. Finally recently we was able to get past the ceiling we was running into. But this is something I wanted to do and there is satisfaction and she now starting to do it quicker and relax more but that the price you pay to make the gains.

But the thinking of it as work is not a great thing, and same for her. She works to hard at trying to please to the point it becomes painful like giving a blow job. when those teeth come out, OUCH! I have to tell her to ease up then she gets upset because she trying to hard to please.

I don't know if he masterbating at something he wants to do but you wont let him( i.e a facial, a BJ, etc) so he caught up in his fantasty which is why he looking at the porn. Maybe it what the gal is wearing( womens idea of dressing sexy to turn their men on is not exactly IMHO the same as us men; in fact what my wife and mother in law thinks is sexy is almost a turn off to me in clothing) and he wants you to wear it and you won't.

Not saying your at fault but this is something not mentioned and might be a factor which is why I throwing this in here.

Hopefully your both making a effort to please each other, three times a week of sex is something I wish my wife and I was doing. I masterbate more because she busy working on work related matters. It used to be almost daily before the baby came. I do need the quicker releif so I can do things withour distraction. Since I have had a regular habit of sex since we got sexually active, I have more appetite for it. But there problems with age so I not as horny as when I was a teen but I didnt have much sex life. In fact I think I do alot less of it then when I was a teen and when I was seeing no one.

[Tyger]

I have to chime in here and agree with pretty much everything else people have said.

Masturbation is normal, for anyone. Men, usually, masturbate probably a bit more than women do. Whether they use mags, porn, internet porn, or anything else, is normal. Men are stimulated more by what they SEE. Hence the popularity of lingerie!

Masturbation is fine, so long as it doesn't replace real sex, which it seems as though he is wanting to do, and if that's true, then something needs to be done quick. In other words, he needs to smarten up and stop thinking of just himself, if he wants this relationship to continue.

As far as him saying that it's more work, well, if he didn't want sex with a real girl, which does require more effort than just plain masturbation, then he shouldn't be in a relationship. That WAS a cruel, selfish, immature, and inconsiderate thing to say to you. And, not to mention just plain rude. It's like saying that your relationship is more work than it's worth! Because, let's face it, relationships and sex go hand and hand. He's use to the quick cum. He's use to the whack'em and cum fast.

Well, if he's in a relationship, he can have that, and learn how to please you better!! Alos, he should teach you how to please him better, and not just quickly! Sex should be adult playtime, something you will read repeatedly here on this forum. And why is that? Cuz it's the absolute truth! It should be as fast or slow as you want it. BOTH of you.

He has to be willing to change his thinking, no one can do that for him. He has to have the WILLINGNESS to learn and to be taught. A good lover is made, not born. Just because a man is born with a dick, doesn't mean that he has te knowledge, experience, or desire to please his lover. This comes in time. Again, he has to be WILLING to learn. Men, especially young ones, think that they know all there is to know about sex cuz they can get a hard on & can ejaculate.

You have to be willing to stop him if he's doing something you don't like, point him in the right direction, praise him out loud and directly when he does something you like. Women have a desire to make their men feel good about their sexual prowess. For some reason, we feel that if we don't make them feel good and stroke their sexual ego, they will leave us. Well, there's a right and wrong way to to so. Saying "cut that out" is a no-no. How about something like "I don't really like that, but I do like it if you do this...." and then show him what you like! Never compare him to any possible past lovers, because he may think that you'd rather be with them than him. But, if you have had past lovers, that have done a good job, show him what you like and what was done, with no mention of who showed you that! After all, you wouldn't want him to say, "well, Jill did suck a mean cock!!" while giving him a BJ, right?

I would suggest reading the forum a bit more, getting some tips, there's a lot of questions similar to yours, with lots of great advise!! Best wishes to you both!

[pappyld04]

Have you caught the research on the number of times a man has a sexual thought of some sort or another? I believe they were claiming that on average it happens about every 8 seconds. If this is true I am really surprised that we ever learned how to wear clothes!! I have no clue about the subjects used for this study but it does seem far-fetched. Just thought you may get some information from this as to the workings of the male mind. Although I have a hard time believing this is the average male I also have trouble with the fact that I'm sure that we the taxpayers funded this research!!!